Getting on that plane

February 11, 2013

Boarding a plane today for the Keys to begin my next chapter.

What is hard is knowing that I am doing this alone. I will be doing extended dive training at a dive center down there. Hopefully get hired down there to instruct. And hopefully truly begin to heal.

I keep wanting to get in my car, drive to my ex's and just pretend this breakup never happened and we are together. Sick, I know, because he is not a good man for me, not an empathetic person, and selfish. I need to stop emotionally doing this to myself and really let him go.

Hopefully this step forwards will do me good towards getting my life back on track and finding happiness - first with myself and then perhaps with someone else.

I'm TERRIFIED and feel nauseous right now! I should be excited! WTF!!

February 11, 2013

Hey! I'm going to be in Marathon Key in June! I did the same thing! Well, she was supposed to go with me on the vacation but I'm not going to let that spoil it! Maybe I could get a lesson from you!

February 11, 2013

That's the most difficult thing that you're doing, right now, physically removing yourself from your "normal" life. The next big step will be to not "think" about him or your past.

Getting busy with a new activity and a new life can do wonders to keep you busy. You are brave for doing this, well done, CONGRATS !!!!

February 11, 2013

Hey! I'm going to be in Marathon Key in June! I did the same thing! Well, she was supposed to go with me on the vacation but I'm not going to let that spoil it! Maybe I could get a lesson from you!

If I'm instructing in Key Largo in June (which most likely I will be), then sure thing! Discovery SCUBA's are good if you have never dove before and want to get a feel for it!

I'm glad you are still going on your vacation. It's so easy to just let yourself wallow in self pity and feel that life is not worth living anymore...but that's silly. I am still kicking myself for that first month when I would struggle to even get out of bed. I look back and don't even recognize that pathetic person I was. And for what? A man who doesn't want me because I don't fit into his world?

February 11, 2013

Hope: Is there an age limit for kids? I have two that will be going with me, 11 and 8. We'd like to scube near a reef or something where fish are! I snorkelled at Grand Tortuga island and the nurse sharks scared the bejesus out of me!

Anyway, the trip was scheduled for the summer and as in any relationship, when I made the plans I figured I would be single anyway (self fullfiling profecy?) but held out hope that she would be there. I've never taken a woman on trip before, since my divorce. I've never had that 2 or 3 year relationship. So I live my life in the short term and on my terms. I can't plan on someone wanting to be with me so my kids and I will go on our first vacation ever together and it will be spectacular. And I'll be in better shape than most of your dive instructors! hahah! Kidding..I'm old, and not in my 20's anymore.

February 11, 2013

Hope: Is there an age limit for kids? I have two that will be going with me, 11 and 8. We'd like to scube near a reef or something where fish are! I snorkelled at Grand Tortuga island and the nurse sharks scared the bejesus out of me!

If it's a PADI shop which I'm assuming, the age limit is 10.

February 11, 2013

CDT76 - Dr.Pepper is correct, the minimum age is 10, and that includes doing the Discover SCUBA. Before age 15 kids can get certified in open water as a Junior Open Water Cert which upgrades to an Open Water cert once they are 15 (being a junior pretty much means they need to always have an adult with them).

Snorkeling is great for kids of all ages though, as long as they can swim :-)

I'm excited for you and your kids that you are going to go on this fab trip. Well done getting back out there in the dating world after getting divorced. I have never been married, so I have no idea how hard a divorce would be...although in this last relationship we were pretty much living like a married couple (I just didn't have the security of the marriage contract - and since he was the one financially supporting us I ended up more lost then ever when things ended - NEVER again will I ever let myself become so dependent on any man).

Anyhow, CDT76, if I see you in June it would be fun to take you all snorkeling and perhaps get your older kid into SCUBA!

February 11, 2013

To be honest with you, the divorce wasn't as hard to get over as the first girlfriend I had After being divorced. That relationship happened 2 years after the divorce. She cheated on me with a co-worker of my own. I was hunting fugitives and not trusting someone you work with about ended me. But HUGE, THICK and SUSTAINED walls were built around my heart. I wanted a life with this girl but she made the decision I wasn't in her plans for the long term. Yes, it hurts like crazy but I'm not as destroyed as the first time. Dating is nothing more than keeping your walls up but forcing yourself to transcend them for the someone of your choosing. Once they hurt you, you hunker down behind your walls until the pain is gone. The key is not to build BIGGER walls.

I will look you up when I get down there. My daughter is the older one and she is a little girly girl so I doubt she would do it alone or without her brother. I love snorkeling and it's going to be an awesome 5 days. The hotel I got is supposed to be a top notch Time share from a buddy here at work. The pictures look amazing.

And Hope....if you are moving to the keys, starting fresh, in a land they call paradise, I'm pretty sure you got the better end of the relationship!

February 11, 2013

Slight update - not leaving until tomorrow.

One of my flights was delayed, and this messed up my connecting flight to Miami. UGH...I was all ready, bags packed - everything.

Now another day and night to dwell...OK...so I'm going to just read posts on here and respond...

To be honest, it really helps being amongst others going through heartbreak now, or who have gone through it and can advise...it really makes me feel so not alone and that it will get better!

I have moments I feel fine, and then all of a sudden am missing this ex of mine...or wanting him to hold me and take away the pain - pain caused by his absence and this break. I need to realize he is no longer there for me in that sense...he is no longer the person I turn to when I need emotional support. And really, he was never able to really provide emotional support anyways...he was an emotional taker, not giver (unless it was physical, hugging, kissing, cuddling, all that he was great at - but more for him then me since he loved to cuddle).

February 11, 2013

To be honest with you, the divorce wasn't as hard to get over as the first girlfriend I had After being divorced. That relationship happened 2 years after the divorce. She cheated on me with a co-worker of my own. I was hunting fugitives and not trusting someone you work with about ended me. But HUGE, THICK and SUSTAINED walls were built around my heart. I wanted a life with this girl but she made the decision I wasn't in her plans for the long term. Yes, it hurts like crazy but I'm not as destroyed as the first time. Dating is nothing more than keeping your walls up but forcing yourself to transcend them for the someone of your choosing. Once they hurt you, you hunker down behind your walls until the pain is gone. The key is not to build BIGGER walls.

I will look you up when I get down there. My daughter is the older one and she is a little girly girl so I doubt she would do it alone or without her brother. I love snorkeling and it's going to be an awesome 5 days. The hotel I got is supposed to be a top notch Time share from a buddy here at work. The pictures look amazing.

And Hope....if you are moving to the keys, starting fresh, in a land they call paradise, I'm pretty sure you got the better end of the relationship!

Sorry you had to go through such pain. Cheating is the worst, I don't know what I would have done if my ex had cheated. I am definitely building bigger walls around my heart...I just hope that I can love again, or trust to let someone in again. It's so scary, I don't want to go through this type of pain again! It's terrible!

As for me getting the better end of the relationship - perhaps. My ex is a successful physician heading to Seattle to join his buddy in private practice...so he has a pretty good deal too. Although his last two jobs (in university practice) ended poorly since he had issues with colleagues and both his bosses in both places (the chairman of both institutions). My ex's problem is he is always right in his eyes. He is stubborn, he feels entitled and he feels he is better then everyone. Yes, he is a great physical med. and rehab doc, I get that. But he truly does lack empathy and so when he conflicts with people he really conflicts. He has burned a lot of bridges and is leaving his current job on bad terms. I am curious if he makes it in private practice with his friend - but then I should not even be curious, who cares right???

I kind of feel bad for his buddy - he has no idea what he is getting himself into...and any future girlfriends my ex has - they'll love it at first but in the end I know they'll end up broken hearted too most likely. His last serious relationship before me was 3 yrs...and they were engaged. He left her 6 wks. before the wedding...and told me she was a "crazy" b****. THAT should have been a red flag!!

I kind of do think my ex is crazy (a lot of my friends and parents both think so)...he thinks I am the overly sensitive emotional person...but then...I didn't get like that until a year into the relationship after we moved in together...and I believe it's because he sucked me dry. He just took and took and took from me emotionally...argh! FRUSTRATING!!!

February 11, 2013

he has no idea what he is getting himself into...and any future girlfriends my ex has - they'll love it at first but in the end I know they'll end up broken hearted too most likely. His last serious relationship before me was 3 yrs...and they were engaged. He left her 6 wks. before the wedding...and told me she was a "crazy" b****. THAT should have been a red flag!!

I kind of do think my ex is crazy (a lot of my friends and parents both think so)...he thinks I am the overly sensitive emotional person...but then...I didn't get like that until a year into the relationship after we moved in together...and I believe it's because he sucked me dry. He just took and took and took from me emotionally...argh! FRUSTRATING!!!

I can't believe people who do this type of sh*t can get away with things so easily. I am sorry you are hurting, but... OMG, 6 weeks into the wedding and he backs of, jesus, I'd hunt him down like a dog with rabies !!!

February 11, 2013

I can't believe people who do this type of sh*t can get away with things so easily. I am sorry you are hurting, but... OMG, 6 weeks into the wedding and he backs of, jesus, I'd hunt him down like a dog with rabies !!!

He used to talk about his ex fiancé and how horrible a person she is, etc etc etc. He will probably do the same about me... Except only big difference is his friends (childhood friends, family) were not fond of his ex fiancé (except his mom loved her). All his friends, current, childhood, school etc, including his family adore me. His best friend from childhood once told me he was amazed I even put up with my ex and that my ex was lucky to have found me.

I do think I am a great person. I also think I deserve someone as caring as I am. I know I am lucky that I am not with my ex and it only lasted 2 1/2 yrs without us getting married with kids- but my silly heart still disagrees and still wants him. Our hearts are so strange and confusing, and mine still aches tremendously by the pain caused by this man.

February 11, 2013

OHHHHHH, he's a doctor. Ok, you already know this but doctor's are NOTORIOUS cheaters! Additionally, they are narcisistic, controling, selfish, uncompromising and of course, NEVER WRONG about anything! Unless they have a business manager, they are going to knock heads constantly because each knows best how to do the job. So he will get run off. My guess is he will end up doing research because he isn't a people person! But Seattle is no comparison to where you are going. Not to mention the lifestyle there! Oh if I could quit my job and move! In a freaking hearbeat!, wait I have kids, nevermind!

February 11, 2013

OHHHHHH, he's a doctor. Ok, you already know this but doctor's are NOTORIOUS cheaters! Additionally, they are narcisistic, controling, selfish, uncompromising and of course, NEVER WRONG about anything! Unless they have a business manager, they are going to knock heads constantly because each knows best how to do the job. So he will get run off. My guess is he will end up doing research because he isn't a people person! But Seattle is no comparison to where you are going. Not to mention the lifestyle there! Oh if I could quit my job and move! In a freaking hearbeat!, wait I have kids, nevermind!

Haha, yeah, he is a doctor - MD PhD. Incredibly intelligent and funny- he did/does have a dry sense of humor that I loved. Very witty and personable too. However also all those other wonderful attributes you mentioned!

Being with my ex would have been a safe life- in the sense I would have been a doctor's wife and would never struggle financially. However I would have been stuck under his umbrella and the longer I was with him the more I would have lost myself.

I am a smart person. I was able maintain a 4.0 with my graduate degree. I grew up all over the world as an expat (Africa), people usually like me, I am a natural leader (or was prior to my ex), I was confident and independent (prior to my ex), had a zest for life... I like the person I am. I did not like the version of myself I was becoming while with my ex.

Life will improve. I learned a lesson- never put all my eggs in one basket and never depend on anyone to make me happy. I have to be happy with me and on my own.

Now if this heartbreak will only go away...

February 11, 2013

My ex is a people person though oddly enough. He just doesn't work well with people who don't worship him. His patients love him for the most part... Although he had had some patients hate him. One patient's husband threatened a lawsuit towards him once.

I am realizing that for so long I was always on my ex's side and believed all these people/colleagues were in the wrong. My thoughts have changed on that.

February 11, 2013

The rosy glasses are coming off and you are starting to see him for who he truly is. The emotions cloud our minds and thinking because our hearts are telling us, THIS IS THE ONE! Well, after awhile, there is only the cognitive left. Emotions will fade because they will not be fed. But don't think of it as putting all your eggs in one basket. Think of it as you fell it love, it didn't work with that one. Allow your heart to heal and try again. You should not give up who you are for another. Be your own person. Have your own opinions and do things you like to do. But you have to be able to risk you heart again. Not anytime soon mind you. You don't want to rebound because those never work out. But risk being hurt for love. I am the same as you. I gave it all away the first go around. This time, not so much. Am I angry it's over? YES! Do I miss her? Like I miss the air! But I don't want to let myself be destroyed because she isn't smart enough to see what a catch I am. Somone will....hopefully. Take your time down in Key west. I'm sure you will find some amazing guys down there. And soon, his memory will be like the feeling you get when you take a drink of a terrible cocktail and you will just dismiss it. By the way, drink a Margaritta for me! OH how I would love a beach swing and stiff margarita right now!

February 11, 2013

The rosy glasses are coming off and you are starting to see him for who he truly is. The emotions cloud our minds and thinking because our hearts are telling us, THIS IS THE ONE! Well, after awhile, there is only the cognitive left. Emotions will fade because they will not be fed. But don't think of it as putting all your eggs in one basket. Think of it as you fell it love, it didn't work with that one. Allow your heart to heal and try again. You should not give up who you are for another. Be your own person. Have your own opinions and do things you like to do. But you have to be able to risk you heart again. Not anytime soon mind you. You don't want to rebound because those never work out. But risk being hurt for love. I am the same as you. I gave it all away the first go around. This time, not so much. Am I angry it's over? YES! Do I miss her? Like I miss the air! But I don't want to let myself be destroyed because she isn't smart enough to see what a catch I am. Somone will....hopefully. Take your time down in Key west. I'm sure you will find some amazing guys down there. And soon, his memory will be like the feeling you get when you take a drink of a terrible cocktail and you will just dismiss it. By the way, drink a Margaritta for me! OH how I would love a beach swing and stiff margarita right now!

This is true. I always try to see the best in people. The problem with this past relationship is that I let myself believe I was the problem. My ex is bipolar 2 - he believes I am too...which not that I am no longer under his wings I am seeing that I am actually not. I do have a therapist who doesn't think I am bipolar 2 either, neither to my parents or friends who have known me for decades (I'm 33 btw). My ex firmly believed I needed to be medicated (he is really into taking pills - anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, a million vitamin pills a day, etc etc etc...except for narcotics. As a phys med doc he REFUSES to prescribe any narcotics to anyone. He always loved to preach to his patients that were overweight about how fat they must lose weight. I agree with him on that...but here's where you can sense a lack of empathy from him - he would tell me how fat people need to be made fun of more, need to feel as though they are not acceptable in society due to their weight. I would argue that some people struggle more then others...and yes they need to lose weight, but you don't have to be nasty about it. Those were usually the patients who would go elsewhere - b/c they would feel humiliated obviously.

I'm going off on a tangent, sorry...but yes, those rose colored glasses are no longer there, or at least I am able to take them off now (at times I still think I am seeing through them, but then I am still healing). I am seeing now how much my ex is a manipulator. Sadly he doesn't manipulate on purpose, it's just who he is. He really does think he is God's gift to the world. It's kind of pathetic and I don't think he'll ever truly find happiness with the direction he is heading in.

Financially he was great - he gave me a credit card, bought me everything I wanted, took me on exotic vacations to Guatemala and St. John, Denver, Estes Park, San Francisco, Adirondacks, Cooperstown (3 times since he loves baseball - I don't)...list goes on and on and on. Physically he was great. He would give me affection and cuddles - physical affection, but the compassion and empathy, the manipulation, the not caring about my life before him.... not good at all.

February 11, 2013

We should introduce him to my ex girlfriend. She wouldn't care how he treated her as long as the money keeps coming!

February 11, 2013

We should introduce him to my ex girlfriend. She wouldn't care how he treated her as long as the money keeps coming!

hahaha...would she worship him though? Oh, and he likes to be tucked into bed at night...that's important. He's a weird bird my ex. Also, she would have to make sure she feeds his ego and let's him know how impressed she is with his athleticism (since he truly believes he was an athlete and still is)...HE isn't btw. He is clumsy and well...not good at any athletic thing - well, he is ok at kayaking. He got me into road biking (which he had done for over 15 yrs. and claimed to be such a great cyclist). Within a month I was better then him - and any sprint triathlon we did together I always had better times then him on the bike and run (we had very similar swim times - which is odd since he was a "swimmer" in his hay day, as was I, but male swimmers are always meant to be way faster then females).

SIGH, sorry for the put downs of this man, I just can't help it, and it feels good to make fun of him to be honest.

February 11, 2013

hahaha...would she worship him though? Oh, and he likes to be tucked into bed at night...that's important. He's a weird bird my ex. Also, she would have to make sure she feeds his ego and let's him know how impressed she is with his athleticism (since he truly believes he was an athlete and still is)...HE isn't btw. He is clumsy and well...not good at any athletic thing - well, he is ok at kayaking. He got me into road biking (which he had done for over 15 yrs. and claimed to be such a great cyclist). Within a month I was better then him - and any sprint triathlon we did together I always had better times then him on the bike and run (we had very similar swim times - which is odd since he was a "swimmer" in his hay day, as was I, but male swimmers are always meant to be way faster then females).

SIGH, sorry for the put downs of this man, I just can't help it, and it feels good to make fun of him to be honest.

God Hopeful79, it always makes me shiver to see how similar our exes were in many ways - right down to the tucking in at night and loads of physical affection stuff. V manipulative and narcissistic, no empathy etc. oddly my ex is a real people person too, but occasionally people just loathe him. I always took his part before, but now I wonder if really they could see the SOB beneath the charm...

Sorry you've had to wait around for an extra night. I know it's frustrating when you've psyched yourself up. I still think this is such an exciting time for you! I'm so jealous, stuck in grey and miserable England

Big hugs xx

February 12, 2013

hahaha...would she worship him though? Oh, and he likes to be tucked into bed at night...that's important. He's a weird bird my ex. Also, she would have to make sure she feeds his ego and let's him know how impressed she is with his athleticism (since he truly believes he was an athlete and still is)...HE isn't btw. He is clumsy and well...not good at any athletic thing - well, he is ok at kayaking. He got me into road biking (which he had done for over 15 yrs. and claimed to be such a great cyclist). Within a month I was better then him - and any sprint triathlon we did together I always had better times then him on the bike and run (we had very similar swim times - which is odd since he was a "swimmer" in his hay day, as was I, but male swimmers are always meant to be way faster then females).

SIGH, sorry for the put downs of this man, I just can't help it, and it feels good to make fun of him to be honest.

Yeah she is a whore so whatever it takes for the money! My ex is a piece of work! She'd believe his bullshot as long as the shopping and vacations keep coming! So ridiculous! So creaking mad! So I went to the gym and beat up a couple guys in boxing!!!! F her. So sick of being used and I was all in. As soon as it came to commitment she bolted! F that! I'm worth more and want someone long term. It's not her so she can go be someone else's trampoline!

February 12, 2013

God Hopeful79, it always makes me shiver to see how similar our exes were in many ways - right down to the tucking in at night and loads of physical affection stuff. V manipulative and narcissistic, no empathy etc. oddly my ex is a real people person too, but occasionally people just loathe him. I always took his part before, but now I wonder if really they could see the SOB beneath the charm...

Sorry you've had to wait around for an extra night. I know it's frustrating when you've psyched yourself up. I still think this is such an exciting time for you! I'm so jealous, stuck in grey and miserable England

Big hugs xx

I think for a long time I confused the physical affection (cuddling, hand holding, sex, etc) with the emotional affection I wasn't getting. I also really enjoyed the physical attention, and the fact my ex found me so beautiful and perfect physically. Sari...did your ex like to have the two of you dress the same? Mine always wanted to match my outfits...like we'd wear matching cycling jerseys when we went cycling, or the same color outfits at functions, etc. It was odd...I found it cute though.

I am excited about embarking on a new chapter in my life and going off to really have a go at something I love. It's just still so scary because I will be on my own, in a new place, away from family and friends...and yes, away from my ex. But i have started over before, traveled a lot and have been on my own many times...I can do it again - I have to!

February 12, 2013

Yeah she is a whore so whatever it takes for the money! My ex is a piece of work! She'd believe his bullshot as long as the shopping and vacations keep coming! So ridiculous! So creaking mad! So I went to the gym and beat up a couple guys in boxing!!!! F her. So sick of being used and I was all in. As soon as it came to commitment she bolted! F that! I'm worth more and want someone long term. It's not her so she can go be someone else's trampoline!

Wow, sounds like your ex was pretty horrible. My ex probably wouldn't put up with that though. He would buy me whatever I wanted, but then I am not a huge shopper. Most of the clothes I buy for myself I always get on clearance, or at Costco, or thrift shops, etc...so he was always happy with how I didn't just spend his money. He got me a credit card, etc...but that was also b/c we were living together and I was pretty much doing all the grocery shopping, etc...as well as taking care of the home.

Anyways, don't want to defend my ex...since that's what I often did when we were together...he was a jerk in so many ways. I just don't think he was a jerk on purpose...it's just in his makeup as a person unfortunately.

February 12, 2013

Wow, sounds like your ex was pretty horrible. My ex probably wouldn't put up with that though. He would buy me whatever I wanted, but then I am not a huge shopper. Most of the clothes I buy for myself I always get on clearance, or at Costco, or thrift shops, etc...so he was always happy with how I didn't just spend his money. He got me a credit card, etc...but that was also b/c we were living together and I was pretty much doing all the grocery shopping, etc...as well as taking care of the home.

Anyways, don't want to defend my ex...since that's what I often did when we were together...he was a jerk in so many ways. I just don't think he was a jerk on purpose...it's just in his makeup as a person unfortunately.

The point that hurts the most in my situation is that I didn't want to realize she was using me. I didn't want to think that someone could do that to me, when I was so honest and upfront. There were days when I wanted to be with her so bad that I cried. But she was never there for me like that. She was never there to provide that emotional security that I needed and in the end I realize that I was just an option in her life. Just someone to take care of things and help get her on the right path and then when the stakes became too high, she didn't commit. Today, I'm really angry. I'm so angry and sick of what has turned out to be my life. I worked for 3 years to get myself right and in 8 months she destroyed all that work! And she left without so much as even fighting to keep me. Just threw me away as though I was a piece of trash all because I have to work for a living and though make decent money, I can't support her and her kid. So yeah, I'm trash. I'm worthless and she is a whore! UYUYYGYLKLYOIYO*UF(*DHGF:UIODHFIPUSDYFP(IEHDF(P*SDFYUPIASDUhfb

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