Author chaser0195 Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 I understand how you feel and have felt that way before. But ironically, although it seems liberating and like you're powerful, you're not. Essentially you're still waiting for this person to come back so you can reject them...and if they don't, what? You can't move on, because your "closure" rests in their hands. I think it's fairly normal to have these fantasies and desires but you want to get to a place where you can cut him off and move on for YOURSELF and you don't have to wish he comes back so you can reject him. The best revenge is to move on and be genuinely happy and not to be worried about his validation of your ego.Wanting to reject him is still saying he has power to validate you and you can only feel powerful if you interact with him to reject him. You shouldn't even need that. Simply get off the roller coaster and leave it at that. He may respond and you may get your validation or he may not. But in the end you'll still be moving on happily. Miss Bee, you are a wise person. Ive read your responses to other posters and I find your words to be knowledgable and comforting. I don't know your story but you seem to be very versed in giving great advice. 1
veryhappy Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 People don't change. If he's come back 10 times, and things haven't changed, he'll come back again and you can live your desired moment. Two things can happen. First off, it might take a while( what's the longest he stayed away?) and you may not feel as good as you thought it would. Secondly, if twice the longest period of time he's been away passes move on and don't expect him to comeback. Although some of them randomly pop up years later. You don't want to wait years holding on to the anger.
Gibson_Girl Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 OK, you want to know if he loved you. Yes, he loves you or loved you. Most of these men love the OW. The problem is that the love is within the affair bubble. But, yes he really loves you. That is why he is so convincing. His love for you is quite real as long as this love is confined to the affair bubble. That line of thought is like a punch in the chest...ugh. Truth: It hurts.
MissBee Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Miss Bee, you are a wise person. Ive read your responses to other posters and I find your words to be knowledgable and comforting. I don't know your story but you seem to be very versed in giving great advice. Thank you. I try
stevie_23 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Not exactly. Although there are times in life when that would be nice to do. What I am saying is, I felt like he had all the control on how, when, and where this relationship would happen. You say he had all the control in this relationship? I beg to differ. He had control only on a superficial basic level. YOU let him have that control. You GAVE him that control because you allowed him to control YOU. But ultimately, if you did not like where he was steering you / the relationship, YOU had the final choice of leaving – and that is the ultimate control.
Pierre Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Wanting closure is just another version of external validation and a serious manifestation of low self esteem.
stevie_23 Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 That’s true. To feel the need for closure from another person, it is attempting to get external validation.
Catplates Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 Because I am tired of the lows. Because no matter how many times I let him back into my life, I will never be more than a side piece and it will never be more than an affair. Because I refuse to be at his beck and call anymore. And because if I continue down this back and forth road with him, I will completely loose my sanity and no person is worth that. Yes you will lose your mind and your life, because you will be on call for him. Believe me, he is not on call for you. You will be slotted into whatever spare moments he can spare. One day, when you are too sad and in too much pain, you will decide it's not worth it.
Pierre Posted February 13, 2013 Posted February 13, 2013 That’s true. To feel the need for closure from another person, it is attempting to get external validation. I am impressed!!!!!!!!!!:D Stevie: I just gave you some external validation. Seriously: If a relationship is 100% over the so-called closure is moot.
Ester Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 There are so many of us with the same story. I just found this forum, I guess I am new, but not to an affair world. My roller coaster is on for 4 years now. He misses me and wants to be with me, then it is all over, in a month of NC he is back and I belive now it will be all different....then another crash because nothing is different, he pulls away again. I tried to break it off too but would always come back. In short, I am married, two kids, still in love with with him, he is married, two kids, both happy to be in the bubble of an affair BUT....he just can't decide what he wants! He loves me, he loves me not, and on an off again. Guys anyone can explain what is it? I raised the bar and said I no longer want his dissapearances, he said - you need to manage your expectations to be happy. We agreed to meet and chat. Any thoughts?
Cali408 Posted February 15, 2013 Posted February 15, 2013 Sure. He's not going to abandon his kids and leave them. Do you really want to hitch your wagon to a guy who will A. Be broke due to child support and alimony B. Has kids who will resent you because he left their Mom for you. Think evil stepmother from Cinderella C. Both of you going through the pain, trials and tribulations of divorce D. Feeling secure enough that you trust this man who can't make up his mind to follow through? E. Deal with his guilt of abandoning his kids. So you can do 3 things. You both leave your spouses and deal with the above which will be horrible. Pressure and strain will severely impact your sunny days and champagne nights relationship. 2. Keep up the affair and enjoy it until you get caught. or 3. Break it off entirely.
Recommended Posts