chaser0195 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Hi all, I am a long time lurker and a first time poster. I had an affair and I would tell you my story but it is the same story that everyone else has. I use to think my affair was different but after reading many of the story's on here, I realized that it just isn't the case. It is the same game just different players. My affair was an on again off again relationship. Right now it is off again by my MOMs doing but he has called it off before and came back so I don't know what his future plans are. Anyway, I would always go back to him because I thought I loved him and maybe part of me does but I am beginning to think I went back to him because it felt good being pursued and it bruised my ego when he would reject me. Every time he would come back I would be on such a "high" and then when he would call it off I would be on such a low. I would mourn the end of the relationship for a while and feel like I would never get over him and then feel better after some time had passed. Then he would come back and I would go back to him (like an IDIOT). Then, once again, it would end and I would be back to square one. With that said, I know I can't put myself through that up and down again so IF he comes back, I will be calling it off for good. Through all of this, he has had the control of the whole relationship and I don't want him back but I would LOVE LOVE LOVE for him to contact me again and try to pursue me just so I could tell him that it is over. To me, that would be so liberating and would be the ultimate closure that I never got. Does anyone understand where I am coming from? It is such a blow to the ego to be "dumped" and feels great to be pursued and through all of the emotional lows I have experienced, I always felt better knowing he still wanted me. I was like, even if we weren't together, I just wanted him to want me, IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE. I hope everything I just typed is being articulated correctly. I understand what I am trying to convay, I just hope you all do too.
Realist3 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 So, what you are saying is that for you own satisfaction you would like to stick it to him so he knows how you have felt? 1
Author chaser0195 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 So, what you are saying is that for you own satisfaction you would like to stick it to him so he knows how you have felt? Not exactly. Although there are times in life when that would be nice to do. What I am saying is, I felt like he had all the control on how, when, and where this relationship would happen. I knew it would end again at some point but I wish I would of been the one to end it instead of him. And the bruised ego part comes from being dumped. I don't think I really want him or love him. Its just nice to be "wanted". I would feel less used if I knew someone felt that way about me.
Pierre Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I don't think I really want him or love him. Its just nice to be "wanted". I would feel less used if I knew someone felt that way about me. Welcome to the club! Most folks are simply looking for external validation because they have very low self esteem. You are correct, it is always the same story and same personality traits even if the characters are different. Why do you want to be wanted. I have seen women pick the most awkward and illogical mate just because he wanted them. Most be difficult to live your life in that manner. Putting your own happiness in the hands of others.
Realist3 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Not exactly. Although there are times in life when that would be nice to do. What I am saying is, I felt like he had all the control on how, when, and where this relationship would happen. I knew it would end again at some point but I wish I would of been the one to end it instead of him. And the bruised ego part comes from being dumped. I don't think I really want him or love him. Its just nice to be "wanted". I would feel less used if I knew someone felt that way about me. I can understand that feeling. Just move on.
Author chaser0195 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Why do you want to be wanted. I have seen women pick the most awkward and illogical mate just because he wanted them. Most be difficult to live your life in that manner. Putting your own happiness in the hands of others. I don't want to be wanted by just anybody. That's not what I am saying at all. It would make me feel less used to know HE, as is AP, wanted me, desired me in the same way I felt about him.I wanted the man that I fell for to feel the same way about me. I wouldn't feel like such a piece of meat that got used and thrown away. I couldn't care less if some other man desired me or not. But I don't know of too many people who would say " Oh, I don't care if the person I just had sex with likes me" and even though it happened, I am not okay with being used for his own satisfaction. In the beginning I though he genuinely liked me and had feelings for me but I don't think that's the case anymore. I think he wanted sex on the side and I fell for him and he used me.
Pierre Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I don't want to be wanted by just anybody. That's not what I am saying at all. It would make me feel less used to know HE, as is AP, wanted me, desired me in the same way I felt about him.I wanted the man that I fell for to feel the same way about me. I wouldn't feel like such a piece of meat that got used and thrown away. I couldn't care less if some other man desired me or not. But I don't know of too many people who would say " Oh, I don't care if the person I just had sex with likes me" and even though it happened, I am not okay with being used for his own satisfaction. In the beginning I though he genuinely liked me and had feelings for me but I don't think that's the case anymore. I think he wanted sex on the side and I fell for him and he used me. OK, that is better. But, you meed to work on your self esteem. Most women with good self esteem do not allow this. In fact, many don't pay any attention to MMs. Giving sex to a MM is not a good plan.
ForeverGuilt Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I am feeling your pain!!!! Our stories sound identical and I 100% understand what you are feeling. I haven't talked to him since last Monday and have ignored 5 texts since then. I am in such pain, but holding strong. Hearing and seeing the other posts here makes me stronger. I wish I had found the site earlier. I had no idea what I fool I had been. Totally had been played. He is a very good game player. The rejection is really hard. He kept breaking it off and coming back as well. Like 8 times. I know we will get through this but the pain is nearly breaking me.
Author chaser0195 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 I am feeling your pain!!!! Our stories sound identical and I 100% understand what you are feeling. I haven't talked to him since last Monday and have ignored 5 texts since then. I am in such pain, but holding strong. Hearing and seeing the other posts here makes me stronger. I wish I had found the site earlier. I had no idea what I fool I had been. Totally had been played. He is a very good game player. The rejection is really hard. He kept breaking it off and coming back as well. Like 8 times. I know we will get through this but the pain is nearly breaking me. Thank you foreverguilt. I'm really glad that you understand what I am saying.
Author chaser0195 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 I'm trying to follow your logic here. You're saying that if he comes around one more time it will some how prove to you that he felt the same about you that you felt about him. Okay but he has already dumped you numerous times and then come back around to see you if he does that one more time how will that prove his motives any more than all the other times? If he was using you for sex on the side then all it means if he asks for you back is that he wants to use a little more. It won't mean his feelings have suddenly deepened. Also as long as you're having this fantasy about turning the tables on him and how good that will make you feel , you are not over him or over needing his validation, which means if he does come back you are very likely to just get back in the affair if he asks you to. I've had my own revenge fantasies about turning an ex down when he comes begging me back so I understand the feeling but if I was still entertaining these ideas when the guy actually did come back (what is it with guys always coming back? Laziness I suppose) I ended up getting back into the relationship. When I was really and truly over the guy I didn't entertain those thoughts anymore and then when the guy came back and I did have to reject him because I really didn't want to be with him, it wasn't a nice feeling at all. Instead I felt bad about having to reject someone and wished he had just never contacted me and put me in that position. I see you called him the MOM. So you are married? How does your husband and marriage figure into this? Do you care at all about your marriage or the damage you are doing to it? No, I'm not saying that his return will prove he has any sort of feelings for me. I am sure that he just used me for sex and his own gratification and that he did not have any of feelings for me. I am saying that if he returns and I get to be the one who says "I'm done" then I will feel like I have some like I have closure and to me that will be liberating. You are correct in saying that I am not completely over him. If I was I wouldn't care about closure. The one thing I am sure of is that I am tired of the lows I feel when he calls it off. The lows I feel outweigh the highs I get when we are together. I can't deal with the lows any longer and the fleeting highs are not worth the emotions the lows bring out in me so if he were to come back I would have to tell him no just for my own sanity. As far as MOM, I'm sorry its MM. Mistype on my part. I was thinking He's the MM and I was his OW and I just typed it wrong. 1
Pierre Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 No, I'm not saying that his return will prove he has any sort of feelings for me. I am sure that he just used me for sex and his own gratification and that he did not have any of feelings for me. OK, you want to know if he loved you. Yes, he loves you or loved you. Most of these men love the OW. The problem is that the love is within the affair bubble. But, yes he really loves you. That is why he is so convincing. His love for you is quite real as long as this love is confined to the affair bubble.
jwi71 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 No, I'm not saying that his return will prove he has any sort of feelings for me. I am sure that he just used me for sex and his own gratification and that he did not have any of feelings for me. I am saying that if he returns and I get to be the one who says "I'm done" then I will feel like I have some like I have closure and to me that will be liberating. No. You just get to feel good for rejecting him instead of feeling crappy as you feel rejected by him. Its a revenge thing - you just want to hurt him. You are correct in saying that I am not completely over him. If I was I wouldn't care about closure. What is "closure"? Is it some place? Some words spoken or not spoken which free you? An action perhaps? A question unanswered? What is YOUR closure? If you don't know what it is - how can you get there? The one thing I am sure of is that I am tired of the lows I feel when he calls it off. The lows I feel outweigh the highs I get when we are together. I can't deal with the lows any longer and the fleeting highs are not worth the emotions the lows bring out in me so if he were to come back I would have to tell him no just for my own sanity. What makes you so certain "this time"? Outside looking in - what makes this "the end" and not just another round in this immature game?
Cali408 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 He loves you he just doesn't know what the heck he wants. Stop with the mental torture. Make a clean break and don't ever be in contact with him again. If you want revenge, it's best served cold. He'll call again. In the meantime are you married? If so, focus on your husband. If not find someone else!
veryhappy Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 What were the reasons for the multiple endings on his part? Would you have continued the A if h hadn't dumped you and made you want him back because of that?
Author chaser0195 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 No. You just get to feel good for rejecting him instead of feeling crappy as you feel rejected by him. Its a revenge thing - you just want to hurt him. What is "closure"? Is it some place? Some words spoken or not spoken which free you? An action perhaps? A question unanswered? What is YOUR closure? If you don't know what it is - how can you get there? My closure would be if I ended it. Who knows, maybe I would feel worse by doing that, maybe I will feel better. No one know for sure how they will feel or react until they are faced with that exact situation. What makes you so certain "this time"? Outside looking in - what makes this "the end" and not just another round in this immature game? Because I am tired of the lows. Because no matter how many times I let him back into my life, I will never be more than a side piece and it will never be more than an affair. Because I refuse to be at his beck and call anymore. And because if I continue down this back and forth road with him, I will completely loose my sanity and no person is worth that. 1
Author chaser0195 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 What were the reasons for the multiple endings on his part? Would you have continued the A if h hadn't dumped you and made you want him back because of that? He stated that his reasons were guilt and it was wrong to do and I understood his feelings behind that. When he came back he would say he missed me. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I think in reality he came to me when he wanted some and left me when he got his fill. I'm not sure how long I would of let it go on if he would not have ended it. Maybe forever or maybe I would of got tired of him. I can't honestly answer that because I was never put in that postion.
Author chaser0195 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 What is "closure"? Is it some place? Some words spoken or not spoken which free you? An action perhaps? A question unanswered? What is YOUR closure? If you don't know what it is - how can you get there? I also want to add that, for me, closure would be the spoken words that free me from from all of this. It would be like me saying to him that I am done with all of this and I am not going to be there for you when you feel like coming back into my life. I am not a toy to do with as you darn well please and that you (he) don't hold that power over me to make me give in to your sweet words.
Author chaser0195 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 OK, that is better. But, you meed to work on your self esteem. Most women with good self esteem do not allow this. In fact, many don't pay any attention to MMs. Giving sex to a MM is not a good plan. I now know this. I learned a valuable lesson. I guess I wasn't thinking about the bad parts when I entered into this.
Author chaser0195 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 OK, you want to know if he loved you. Yes, he loves you or loved you. Most of these men love the OW. The problem is that the love is within the affair bubble. But, yes he really loves you. That is why he is so convincing. His love for you is quite real as long as this love is confined to the affair bubble. What exactly is an affair bubble? And what makes you think the OM loved their AP? How do you know they didn't use them and lead them to believe they had true feelings so they could get what they wanted from them?
Pierre Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 (edited) What exactly is an affair bubble? And what makes you think the OM loved their AP? How do you know they didn't use them and lead them to believe they had true feelings so they could get what they wanted from them? How do I know this? Many affairs have a heightened emotional component. The ILYs flow like water in Niagara Falls. The plans for the future are plentiful, the romance is intense, and there are instances where the lovers text hundreds of times a day. Phone conversations can last 6 hours. This is true love. However, if there is a d-day the OW often gets thrown under the bus. If I had a dime for witnessing the above on this forum I would be a very rich man. Sure, there are cheating MM that are acting to get sex. This works well on the very naive OWs with low self esteem. However, there are many cheating MM that are truly emotionally involved. So why do they throw OW under the bus with a d-day? Because the love only works inside the affair bubble. You may ask what is the affair bubble? If you are a single OW for you there is no bubble. The affair is the only reality you have. If you are the cheating person then you have to live in two compartments. The affair compartment (the bubble) and the marriage compartment. Hope that helps! Edited February 11, 2013 by Pierre 1
promises Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Because I am tired of the lows. Because no matter how many times I let him back into my life, I will never be more than a side piece and it will never be more than an affair. Because I refuse to be at his beck and call anymore. And because if I continue down this back and forth road with him, I will completely loose my sanity and no person is worth that. bingo. I wish you the best.
Cali408 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 How do I know this? Many affairs have a heightened emotional component. The ILYs flow like water in Niagara Falls. The plans for the future are plentiful, the romance is intense, and there are instances where the lovers text hundreds of times a day. Phone conversations can last 6 hours. This is true love. However, if there is a d-day the OW often gets thrown under the bus. If I had a dime for witnessing the above on this forum I would be a very rich man. Sure, there are cheating MM that are acting to get sex. This works well on the very naive OWs with low self esteem. However, there are many cheating MM that are truly emotionally involved. So why do they throw OW under the bus with a d-day? Because the love only works inside the affair bubble. You may ask what is the affair bubble? If you are a single OW for you there is no bubble. The affair is the only reality you have. If you are the cheating person then you have to live in two compartments. The affair compartment (the bubble) and the marriage compartment. Hope that helps! Pierre absolutely nails this 100% Chaser. He is 100% correct. Or at least in my situation it was true. The guilt I had for throwing my OW under the bus after she got caught is almost as much as I have today of stepping out on my wife. And I loved her so much it hurt.
RickFox Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Let's not forget that it ain't just the men who will throw their AP under the bus on a Dday.....goes both ways. Although I doubt my ex mw has any guilt over doing it.
Pierre Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Let's not forget that it ain't just the men who will throw their AP under the bus on a Dday.....goes both ways. Although I doubt my ex mw has any guilt over doing it. Many MW are fully capable of behaving like any MM------and more. I agree!
MissBee Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Hi all, I am a long time lurker and a first time poster. I had an affair and I would tell you my story but it is the same story that everyone else has. I use to think my affair was different but after reading many of the story's on here, I realized that it just isn't the case. It is the same game just different players. My affair was an on again off again relationship. Right now it is off again by my MOMs doing but he has called it off before and came back so I don't know what his future plans are. Anyway, I would always go back to him because I thought I loved him and maybe part of me does but I am beginning to think I went back to him because it felt good being pursued and it bruised my ego when he would reject me. Every time he would come back I would be on such a "high" and then when he would call it off I would be on such a low. I would mourn the end of the relationship for a while and feel like I would never get over him and then feel better after some time had passed. Then he would come back and I would go back to him (like an IDIOT). Then, once again, it would end and I would be back to square one. With that said, I know I can't put myself through that up and down again so IF he comes back, I will be calling it off for good. Through all of this, he has had the control of the whole relationship and I don't want him back but I would LOVE LOVE LOVE for him to contact me again and try to pursue me just so I could tell him that it is over. To me, that would be so liberating and would be the ultimate closure that I never got. Does anyone understand where I am coming from? It is such a blow to the ego to be "dumped" and feels great to be pursued and through all of the emotional lows I have experienced, I always felt better knowing he still wanted me. I was like, even if we weren't together, I just wanted him to want me, IF THAT MAKES ANY SENSE. I hope everything I just typed is being articulated correctly. I understand what I am trying to convay, I just hope you all do too. I understand how you feel and have felt that way before. But ironically, although it seems liberating and like you're powerful, you're not. Essentially you're still waiting for this person to come back so you can reject them...and if they don't, what? You can't move on, because your "closure" rests in their hands. I think it's fairly normal to have these fantasies and desires but you want to get to a place where you can cut him off and move on for YOURSELF and you don't have to wish he comes back so you can reject him. The best revenge is to move on and be genuinely happy and not to be worried about his validation of your ego.Wanting to reject him is still saying he has power to validate you and you can only feel powerful if you interact with him to reject him. You shouldn't even need that. Simply get off the roller coaster and leave it at that. He may respond and you may get your validation or he may not. But in the end you'll still be moving on happily. 2
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