Sabian Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Confidence is always said to be a highly attractive feature for men to have when it comes to attracting women. I understand why, and am not arguing against it in any way. It's basic and evolutionary. What I'm wondering is how important is it and can any lack of confidence no matter how brief harm the attraction? Men are human. With that comes emotion and thoughts that can't always be strong and positive. All men have doubts about themselves, and while hiding it works in the short term, eventually cracks will appear. What happens then? -Women. Say you're dating a guy and everything is going well, but for whatever reason (be it financial, personal, etc.) the guy starts to get down on himself. He starts self deprecating, stops doing things he normally would out of fear of failure, he is less dominant in the bedroom, starts to question your attraction to him, etc. If this goes on long enough would it be enough to kill your feelings for him? Would you think about leaving fairly quickly if possible? Would you feel pity and if so how would that affect your attitude towards him? I'm asking this because it seems like a lot of women crave confidence so much that any lack of it can kill an attraction. I know I'm speaking generally, and don't mean to stereotype at all. However, I've seen so many men dropped because they were shy or gun shy that it has me questioning things. This is a terribly worded post so I guess what I'm getting at is whether or not a mans lack of confidence can be attractive at all? If your normally strong man expresses secret or hidden doubts about himself are you immediately turned off? Do you want him to feel better for himself or do you want him to feel better for you? I don't view a lack of confidence as a negative at all, but I'm a man. To me, that doubt in a person humanizes them and can allow me to get to know them better and/or relate. Again, I don't want to generalize, but it seems like a lot of women would rather dump and run than to stick around. Ugh, it's late and I don't feel like I've described this in the best way, but I hope it's enough to get the basic question across.
Quest Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 A male friend of mine always says that confidence is the most important asset a woman can have, as far as he's concerned. He loves woman who have no self doubt. But that goes along with also liking women who don't chase him and remain evasive/elusive. Basically (although he wouldn't put it like this himself) he doesn't like any neediness in a woman and finds that off-putting - the less they need and want him, the more he wants them. This means he's always having crushes on unavailable women - or so it seems to me. As I woman, I do find confidence in a man attractive but I'm fairly lacking in confidence myself, which is probably why it appeals so much if someone else is offering it. On the other hand, I don't think it's a good thing really as it usually goes along with arrogance and lack of empathy. To be super confident you've got to kind of eliminate being bothered about other people and what other people think/feel. So ... I get attracted to confident, successful men, date them and then hate their ruthlessness and lack of compassion etc. My problem .... I'm beginning self doubt and a caring dispostion which might well come across at first meeting as a bit less appealling that super confidence is probably better partner material ... for me at least, and probably for most women. Think of the all the successful Alpha male men in the public eye - most of them do whatever they want and get whatever they want - and if their wives come in the way of that that's no obstacle. Final thoughts - a less confident person, with less that perfect self esteem might well grow in confidence KEEPING their basic compassion and understanding if they find themselves in a loving, supportive relationship. That person would then be confident, grounded AND empathetic, understanding and generally nice to be around.
Quest Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Previous post has some text missing - here's what should be there: I'm beginning to think self doubt and a caring dispostion which might well come across at first meeting as a bit less appealling that super confidence is probably better partner material ... for me at least, and probably for most women. Think of the all the successful Alpha male men in the public eye - most of them do whatever they want and get whatever they want - and if their wives come in the way of that that's no obstacle.
animalover Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I am sorry but if you don't have confidence in yourself.. you can't demand it from someone else...!
chex Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I find it sexy when a man or woman is confident and doesn't take any **** from anyone. Self doubt is just unattractive in anyone. 1
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Women do like confident men but some if them talk about conifidence as if that's the only thing that matters. I'd be weary if such a woman, it would leave me guarded in that I'd be affaid that I'm gonna be shown the door at the first sign of vulnerability.
Ruby Slippers Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I appreciate when a man feels close enough and trusts me enough to let down his armor. I have my own armor, and I keep it up close and tight until I feel pretty sure he won't get freaked by me showing more of the vulnerable underbelly. It's a HUGE relief when you show more of your inner self and the guy still likes you - and it's awesome when he likes you even more for it. With my last boyfriend, it was a relief when he started revealing more of his doubts and fears. I was pretty starstruck by him at first, and I was glad to know that he really was human, too. 1
neveragain34 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 (edited) Confidence is so important! Even the most physically unattractive people can attract anyone if they have confidence. Ask yourself this, as a man, would you want to be with a woman with the qualities you described? Doubt it. It's the same for both genders. Edited February 11, 2013 by neveragain34 Typo
Green Light Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Women like confident men because the confident man is more likely to provide more material gain and security for HER and her children. The confident male is a slave just like everyone else.
TheGuard13 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Confidence is important. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to it. However, there's a difference between confidence and arrogance, which is where a lot of people get into trouble. 2
Keenly Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I find it sexy when a man or woman is confident and doesn't take any **** from anyone. Self doubt is just unattractive in anyone. confidence and assertiveness are two different things.
Lonely Ronin Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 confidence and assertiveness are two different things. yes, but it takes confidence to be assertive. 1
TheGuard13 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Nope, you can be assertive without actually having confidence.
ThaWholigan Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Nope, you can be assertive without actually having confidence. I actually disagree with this slightly. That assertiveness I refer to as "fake dominance"
Lonely Ronin Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Nope, you can be assertive without actually having confidence. lol disagree Confidence https://www.google.com/search?q=confidence+definition The feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust: "we had every confidence in the staff". The state of feeling certain about the truth of something. Assertive https://www.google.com/search?q=assertive+definition Having or showing a confident and forceful personality confident is actually used in the definition of assertive. Most people can see through fake assertiveness, because it's a really bad bluff. You can have to much of both as well. I'm actually that way, and some times come of as shy, because I'm holding back trying not to intimidate a woman.
ThaWholigan Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 There is nothing real about the dating game and those who play in it. Go away Little Prince
RogerWallace111 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 You raise some interesting questions OP, and you worded it much better and more reasonably than what I was expecting. I don't think it's as one-sided as many of the responses here portray it to be. Being confident & self-assured is great. A significant lack in that area is unattractive, understandably. But the differentiation I'll bring up is between those who are ignorantly confident and those with an intelligently self-aware type of confidence. I'm proud to be the latter... There are plenty of "confident", self-absorbed dumbasses who have a certain oblivious bravado about them and are able to attract women with that. The type of guys who will seem unphased by anything because they aren't perceptive or aware enough for that to be an option. And yes, you won't often find these types of guys expressing self-doubt or vulnerability. But with that comes a lack of understanding for others and a lack or realness. I personally think it's better to be confident, but reasonably self aware. These types are more likely to have real input in conversation (and not just spout stupid ass bullsh*t - even if it's smart-sounding bullsh*t). They'll make better eye contact. They will connect with their romantic partners on a deeper level. I am confident as f*ck, but I expose certain types of vulnerability to girls I've been with, and, lo and behold, they've always seemed to become even more attracted to me. And I don't mean that in some cliche, "he talks about his feelings he's so sweet & cute" way. Because my vulnerability is not personal insecurity. I'm not telling females "I just don't know if I'm cooool enough" (because I am). But I am exposing my humanity as far as things that might be on mind or pain me. Whether it's more existential ****, deaths of loved ones, etc... Confidence doesn't mean being devoid of pain. Think of how many perfectly confident notable actors, musicians, etc, who pull tons of women, have also been known to have some level of inner turmoil... 1
kaylan Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Confidence is only an added bonus after the girl has decided she finds you physically appealing.
RogerWallace111 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 ^ I spoke truth in that post I hope some of you actually read it...
kaylan Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Also, same thing goes for men when it comes to women. If a girl is already someone I find attractive....her being feisty, confident, and assertive is sexy as fvk.
Lonely Ronin Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Also, same thing goes for men when it comes to women. If a girl is already someone I find attractive....her being feisty, confident, and assertive is sexy as fvk. For me, if she isn't confident/assertive/outgoing it really diminishes her in my eyes. The first thing that comes ti mind is usually, "we can't date, my personality will steam role hers."
TheGuard13 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I actually disagree with this slightly. That assertiveness I refer to as "fake dominance" Having or showing a confident and forceful personality Keywords: Having OR showing. Faking assertiveness is still a type of assertiveness. If people only responded to people who were ACTUALLY confident and assertive, instead of those who show they are (faking it much of the time), a lot of people wouldn't get any response, period.
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I don't care that much for confidence. In fact, I prefer guys that are not very confident - confidence can annoy me. But I am weird. I would say that not being that confident myself, it's no 1 thing that ruins dating for me. I have been working on it but I don't think I will ever be where I need to be. The bad thing is that I see women with not nearly as much to offer as me, having easier time with dating.
Lonely Ronin Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Keywords: Having OR showing. Faking assertiveness is still a type of assertiveness. Well yea, but fakers can't fake it forever, eventually they crash and burn.
pteromom Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Confidence isn't about being assertive. And you absolutely CAN be assertive without being confident. I know many women who deal with crushing insecurity and instead of dealing with their own issues, they judge others very aggressively and are quite mean. Actually, I would describe ALL bullies as being assertive without being confident. But back to the OP - when you say "attraction to confidence" is shallow, it depends on the definition of confidence. Some people use "confident" to describe a person who is outgoing, cocky, arrogant, or outspoken. But someone can be any of those things without being truly confident. To me, confidence means liking who you are, living your life in an authentic way, and taking control of that in your life you can control, while letting go of that you cannot control. It doesn't mean you never have a bad day. It doesn't mean you are perfect or think you are perfect. It doesn't mean you have no fear. It doesn't mean you don't continue to grow as a person. It simply means you accept yourself. And I don't think it is shallow at all to want someone like that.
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