kaylan Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 (edited) Decided to redo my POF profile and just free write. You know, be me, but without thinking about it really. I just said what I felt. Not sure if I wanna reorder some things though. Anyways, critiques are requested. Hey all. My friends call me Kay. How goes it? Im a pretty diverse guy when it comes to who I am. Im almost constantly goofing off with an upbeat attitude, but Im also very honest and blunt. Im passionate about the many things in my life that are important to me. Im an avid conversationalist, and super analytical about life. But that doesnt mean Im constantly serious...as having fun is definitely a big part of what Im about. Anyways, Im a native of NYC, but Ive been living in the burbs for the past 5 years. Im a huge soccer fan, with Real Madrid being my favorite team. Im athletic and I like to play any sport, but mainly soccer and basketball. Because of my affinity for athletics, Im an avid gym goer. So girls who are sporty or into the gym get extra cool points. I also am a little into fashion...so I enjoy nice kicks, well fitting jeans, and nice jackets (preferably fitted leather lol). And Im a fan of tattoos and piercings as Ive got a couple tattoos and piercings myelf. I graduated a year and a half ago with a Bachelors in International Business. Im still trying to break into my field, but until then Im just working and having my fun like the rest of us who graduated into a lame economy. I hope to be able to use my education and future job skills to travel the world...or at least this big ole country of ours. Im also a singer-songwriter who mainly plays bass guitar, but also some regular guitar. Id love to be in a successful band soon, but Id be happy just playing fun local gigs on weekends. Musically my taste is all over the place. My music library has alt rock, ska, salsa, hip hop, j rock, metal, hardcore, folk, indie, etc (literally almost anything) But my fave genres are alternative rock and singer-songwriter type stuff...so thats the type of stuff I usually write. I crave connection, but not just any connection. I crave THE connection. That connection with someone where you look in their eyes and it becomes hard to process speech. I desire passion and fireworks (dont we all?), where when you are holding their face in your hands, you feel your heart shaking your body. I want a feisty, witty, smart, and ambitious girl with an edge. Someone whos not afraid to go toe to toe with me in a spirited debate. Someone who backs down from no one. I want to meet someone whos spontaneous...where I can call her up on a Friday and we make a weekend getaway to a nearby city. The kinda girl who makes me want to come up with brand new ways of showing her shes my "it" girl. Id like to meet a girl whos passionate about life and love, and whos not afraid to try new things. I want someone who can go out dancing with me and my pals, but also sit back at home watching nostalgic tv shows and movies from our younger years. All in all, I know what Im looking for, and I know how to make a girl feel special. Maybe youre her SEND ME A MESSAGE FOO'. I PITY THE FOO' WHO DONT! lolz Edited February 11, 2013 by kaylan
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 It's good but way to serious for POF, save it for eharmony. Summarize it and leave the connection stuff for face to face.
Pyro Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Decided to redo my POF profile and just free write. You know, be me, but without thinking about it really. I just said what I felt. Not sure if I wanna reorder some things though. Anyways, critiques are requested. Trim it down some. You want the women to be curious about you and want to learn more about you but it looks like you are laying it all out for them to see. Make them desire more. Good stuff though. 1
Author kaylan Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Trim it down some. You want the women to be curious about you and want to learn more about you but it looks like you are laying it all out for them to see. Make them desire more. Good stuff though. What would you trim? I do really like how I ended it...since it def highlights the chemistry Im looking for.
SmileFace Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 "SEND ME A MESSAGE FOO'. I PITY THE FOO' WHO DONT! lolz" This is about all you need for POF.lol It is really good and if you had decent pics I would read it - however it is POF. This is more OKC length. However like I said someone who is looking for something serious will read it but I think a little shorter will be better - due to how the pof accounts are layed out. Keep paragraph 1, merge 2,3, and 4 to be shorter and consice .... delete 5, keep 6 and 7.
Author kaylan Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 It's good but way to serious for POF, save it for eharmony. Summarize it and leave the connection stuff for face to face. Is it? Ive found be too not serious and aloof doesnt work too well on POF. How would I get face to face if I dont hook the girl with even a little of my personality? I want to stand out with something other than my pics. And tbh, I already stand out considering im the dread head black guy who plays rock music and has a hot body.
CautionaryTale Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I think it's great! You might get something from POF but, I agree with SJC - maybe Eharmony might be better.
Author kaylan Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 "SEND ME A MESSAGE FOO'. I PITY THE FOO' WHO DONT! lolz" This is about all you need for POF.lol It is really good and if you had decent pics I would read it - however it is POF. This is more OKC length. However like I said someone who is looking for something serious will read it but I think a little shorter will be better - due to how the pof accounts are layed out. Keep paragraph 1, merge 2,3, and 4 to be shorter and consice .... delete 5, keep 6 and 7. True. POF makes well written profiles look like freaking essays. OKCs layout has it all broken into labeled sections which seems to encourage people to fill things out and read them.
Pyro Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 What would you trim? I do really like how I ended it...since it def highlights the chemistry Im looking for. I like all the paragraphs but delete some of the details. For example when you mention music just say that you really enjoy listening and playing music. By leaving out all the descriptive details it gives them something to ask you about. For sports: you are athletic and really enjoy soccer. Leaving the other details out will give her something else to ask you about. By being so precise you are making it difficult for the women to have something to ask you about. Hope that makes sense. 1
Author kaylan Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 "SEND ME A MESSAGE FOO'. I PITY THE FOO' WHO DONT! lolz" This is about all you need for POF.lol It is really good and if you had decent pics I would read it - however it is POF. This is more OKC length. However like I said someone who is looking for something serious will read it but I think a little shorter will be better - due to how the pof accounts are layed out. Keep paragraph 1, merge 2,3, and 4 to be shorter and consice .... delete 5, keep 6 and 7. Theres 7? I count 6. I dont count the first sentence or the last 2 sentences as paragraphs. So Im confused lolI like all the paragraphs but delete some of the details. For example when you mention music just say that you really enjoy listening and playing music. By leaving out all the descriptive details it gives them something to ask you about. For sports: you are athletic and really enjoy soccer. Leaving the other details out will give her something else to ask you about. By being so precise you are making it difficult for the women to have something to ask you about. Hope that makes sense. Si Senor, claro. 1
SmileFace Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Theres 7? I count 6. I dont count the first sentence or the last 2 sentences as paragraphs. So Im confused lol Si Senor, claro. Not counting the first and last sentence there is 7. I counted the last sentence since I think it should stay.
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Is it? Ive found be too not serious and aloof doesnt work too well on POF. How would I get face to face if I dont hook the girl with even a little of my personality? I want to stand out with something other than my pics. And tbh, I already stand out considering im the dread head black guy who plays rock music and has a hot body. Not in tone, you come across as a well rounded fun guy who knows when to behave! Serious in that it's long and the paragraph about the connection kind of way. I know you're a deep guy! I'm the same way and even though we disagree on some things here we'd probably hit it off IRL. Summarize the whole thing, except the connection one, nix it!
Author kaylan Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Revision based on the advice I received Hey all. My friends call me Kay. How goes it? Im a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, draped in chocolate sauce….lol no. Im a pretty diverse guy when it comes to who I am. Im almost constantly goofing off with an upbeat attitude, but Im also very honest and blunt. Im passionate about the many things in my life that are important to me. Im an avid conversationalist, and super analytical about life. But that doesnt mean Im constantly serious...as having fun is definitely a big part of what Im about. Anyways, Im a native of NYC, but Ive been living in the burbs for the past 5 years. I like many sports, but Im definitely a huge soccer fan. Im an also avid gym goer so girls who are sporty or into the gym get extra cool points. I also have a slight love affair with fashion. And Im a fan of tattoos and piercings as Ive got a couple tattoos and piercings myself. I graduated a year and a half ago with a Bachelors in International Business and I hope to be able to use my education and future job skills to travel the world...or at least this big ole country of ours. Im also a singer-songwriter who mainly plays bass guitar, but also some regular guitar. Id love to be in a successful band soon, but Id be happy just playing fun local gigs on weekends. Musically my taste is all over the place. I want to meet someone whos spontaneous...where I can call her up on a Friday and we make a weekend getaway to a nearby city. The kinda girl who makes me want to come up with brand new ways of showing her shes my "it" girl. Id like to meet a girl whos passionate about life and love, and whos not afraid to try new things. I want someone who can go out dancing with me and my pals, but also sit back at home watching nostalgic tv shows and movies from our younger years. All in all, I know what Im looking for, and I know how to make a girl feel special. Maybe youre her SEND ME A MESSAGE FOO'. I PITY THE FOO' WHO DONT! lolz
Pyro Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Revision based on the advice I received Sounds like a winner. 1
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 (edited) Kaylan it's still too much no offense. They're not going to need to ask you anything, it's already in your profile. I came up with the below as an example for you. It uses my "format" and I tried to cater it to you. You can tweek it to your personality and writing style. Hey I’m X, let’s get the cliché meter going! Like everyone else online, I have a great sense of humor and am down to earth too! In all seriousness, I’m a well rounded person and can relate to most people well. Being an upbeat person, I like to joke around and enjoy life! I’ve lived here for the past 5 years now after moving from NYC to go to college, which I finished about a year ago. I’m a pretty athletic guy so I enjoy going to the gym and playing sports, especially basketball and soccer. Bonus points if you workout or play sports too! I have other hobbies and like to try new things and can have fun doing pretty much doing anything as long as I’m with good company. I like all types of music but lean toward alternative rock. I’m a singer songwriter and would like to be in a band one day. If you play your cards right I may sing a song for you:) SEND ME A MESSAGE FOO'. I PITY THE FOO' WHO DONT! lolz Edited February 11, 2013 by SJC2008 edit
Author kaylan Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 (edited) What wont they need to ask me? They can ask me what Im doing for work with my degree or what style of music I play. The version Im using doesnt give that away. Or the girl can ask me what are my favorite nostalgic tv shows and movies. Its fine the way it is. Im not dumbing it down any further. I want to be short but unique. The edits youve made make me short and make my profile similar to every uninteresting profile on POF. I want to stand out just a little dude. The edit you wrote up makes me sound like every lame, typical, and lazy profile on POF. And prefacing the profile with the "cliche-o-meter" comment wont make girls close my profile any slower. Edited February 11, 2013 by kaylan 1
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 What wont they need to ask me? They can ask me what Im doing for work with my degree or what style of music I play. The version Im using doesnt give that away. Or the girl can ask me what are my favorite nostalgic tv shows and movies. Its fine the way it is. Im not dumbing it down any further. I want to be short but unique. The edits youve made make me short and make my profile similar to every uninteresting profile on POF. I want to stand out just a little dude. The edit you wrote up makes me sound like every lame, typical, and lazy profile on POF. And prefacing the profile with the "cliche-o-meter" comment wont make girls close my profile any slower. I literally lol'd when I read the bold. Your edit looks good but IMO it's too deep/serious for POF that's all. Go with what you feel comfortable with. As we all know with OLD it really won't matter what you have written or how good your messages are if she's not attracted to you. The same goes if the genders were reversed.
Author kaylan Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 ^Youre right. Hot pics > everything else.
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 ^Youre right. Hot pics > everything else. BTW the cliche joke was in my profile and it never stopped women (the ones that did) from responding to me. Or did it cut down my response rate lol!
Andy_K Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 What wont they need to ask me? They can ask me what Im doing for work with my degree or what style of music I play. The version Im using doesnt give that away. Or the girl can ask me what are my favorite nostalgic tv shows and movies. Its fine the way it is. Im not dumbing it down any further. I want to be short but unique. The edits youve made make me short and make my profile similar to every uninteresting profile on POF. I want to stand out just a little dude. The edit you wrote up makes me sound like every lame, typical, and lazy profile on POF. And prefacing the profile with the "cliche-o-meter" comment wont make girls close my profile any slower. I agree. I thought your original and the edit were both good (and I don't often say that about profiles). I'd give them a whirl and see what sort of response you get. There are plenty of girls on PoF who will be happy to see a guy who knows how to write without getting 'bored' reading the profile or 'not having anything to ask'.
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