Happily married but had an affair anyway?

[WiseOwl]

Has anyone been totally devoted and in love with their spouse but had an unexpected affair whether an old flame or new friend, etc.?

[spice4life]

Nope. The only way I would get remarried is if I were totally in love and no I would not cheat.

[Furious]

Has anyone been totally devoted and in love with their spouse but had an unexpected affair whether an old flame or new friend, etc.?

 

Are you happy in your marriage?

 

Do you have an old flame who is happily married?

[WiseOwl]

I am not happily married but am not in a position health-wise to have an affair. I think it would be easier and more relaxed for me to get a divorce when the time is right and begin a new life with someone without complications.

 

I have a few old flames that are happily married and only one of them I love. I love him in a friendly way and would not want to go into the past as it would be too painful. It does bother me that my old boyfriends are happily married and I am not but it's an immature thought and I can move on.

 

I like to go forward and not backward.

 

I have two girlfriends that are having affairs and one is unhappily married and the other is mostly happily married.

 

I think anyone is capable of an affair.

[Lillyfree]

i agree that anyone can have an affair, my own experience has taught me to look at these things differently.

 

however, i don't think that a person can be completely happy, devoted, committed to their spouse and look elsewhere at the same time.

there has to be something missing in their primary relationship.

[Furious]

I am not happily married but am not in a position health-wise to have an affair. I think it would be easier and more relaxed for me to get a divorce when the time is right and begin a new life with someone without complications.

 

I have a few old flames that are happily married and only one of them I love. I love him in a friendly way and would not want to go into the past as it would be too painful. It does bother me that my old boyfriends are happily married and I am not but it's an immature thought and I can move on.

 

I like to go forward and not backward.

 

I have two girlfriends that are having affairs and one is unhappily married and the other is mostly happily married.

 

I think anyone is capable of an affair.

 

 

 

I'm sorry that you're dealing with health issues and that you're unhappy in your marriage. it must be a very difficult time in your life.

 

Sometimes when life gets really hard it's easy to get nostalgic about the past when things were simpler and you're whole life is ahead of you. Knowing that your past flames are happy doesn't mean you envy that but just you wish it were the same for you.

 

I agree that no one is immune to an affair, but in the end it's about boundaries and it's not something that just happens, it's a choice, it's one small choice at a time and whether sub-consciously or not, it's usually a sign that there are unresolved issues that are not being addressed.

[stevie_23]

I think that you can definitely be in a happy marriage and still have an affair. It depends on your own character mainly, in this case I think. Like some people will only cheat when they’re very unhappy, and after a long time of being very unhappy. Other people will NEVER cheat no matter how bad it gets. They may or may not ever leave the marriage either. Some other people will be prone to cheating even when in a happy marriage, not because they don’t care for their spouse, and not because they didn’t think they were devoted to her. They either don’t really apply “devotion” the same as the people that would never cheat, and/or they no longer have the IN-love feeling going on.

 

I strongly believe when you are IN-love with your partner, you have ZERO interest in being with anyone else. And by not being IN-love, it doesn’t mean your marriage isn’t happy (to some people anyway).

[2sunny]

I am not happily married but am not in a position health-wise to have an affair. I think it would be easier and more relaxed for me to get a divorce when the time is right and begin a new life with someone without complications.

 

I have a few old flames that are happily married and only one of them I love. I love him in a friendly way and would not want to go into the past as it would be too painful. It does bother me that my old boyfriends are happily married and I am not but it's an immature thought and I can move on.

 

I like to go forward and not backward.

 

I have two girlfriends that are having affairs and one is unhappily married and the other is mostly happily married.

 

I think anyone is capable of an affair.

 

No, anyone/everyone doesn't choose affairs.

 

You need new friends that make more balanced and honest choices.

[waterwoman]

I think that maybe the word that I have trouble with is 'happy'. IME no-one can be 'happy' all the time - you might be contented all the time but happiness tends to come in bursts, it isn't constant.

 

In that way it's a lot easier to understand that people in 'contented and sometimes happy marriages' cheat. Because there are going to be periods when life isn't all roses and rainbows - and that is when a temptation might be too great for someone without the right safeguards in place.

[angie2443]

however, i don't think that a person can be completely happy, devoted, committed to their spouse and look elsewhere at the same time.

there has to be something missing in their primary relationship.

 

 

I know this is hard for many to understand, but there are people out there who don't need a deep, honest connection with someone else to be happy. I've seen this more with men, but I'm sure there are women out there who are the same. Many of these men just want someone either younger, differant, without the hastles of kids, ect. on the side while they have someone at home keeping the home cozy. They can live the single life, in a sense, and have the security of having a home life to. These people feel no pain for the pain they cause. They get what they want and are perfectly fine. I've known so many people like this, and the vibe I get from them, is that they are not unfullfilled, they are not unhappy, and life seems to be good for them. The funny thing is, that it is the people who have feelings for these type of cheaters who seem to feel the most pain. By people, I mean the wife, OW, children and sometimes siblings.

[Got it]

For myself, no. I am not going to gamble on something that I am afraid of losing.

[Survivor12]

A marriage is inherently flawed if one of the partners is incomplete/unfulfilled whether or not they seek completion outside of the marriage.

[Pierre]

I think that maybe the word that I have trouble with is 'happy'. IME no-one can be 'happy' all the time - you might be contented all the time but happiness tends to come in bursts, it isn't constant.

 

In that way it's a lot easier to understand that people in 'contented and sometimes happy marriages' cheat. Because there are going to be periods when life isn't all roses and rainbows - and that is when a temptation might be too great for someone without the right safeguards in place.

 

I agree with this post.

 

The ongoing mantra in pop psychology and in the OW manual is that men cheat because they are unhappy in the marriage. The concept of lacking honesty is not mentioned that often.

 

The term happy is relative and some people have such a gargantuan need for external validation that they will always be unhappy. In other words they are bound to look for others to keep them happy regardless of the quality of the marriage.

 

Quite often these married philanderers have low self esteem and they look for validation with multiple romantic conquests. The projected image of confidence is generally a front to cover up how insecure they really are.

[jwi71]

Has anyone been totally devoted and in love with their spouse but had an unexpected affair whether an old flame or new friend, etc.?

 

Well you kinda changed the constraints a bit.

 

The thread topic "Happily married and had an affair" - I totally agree with. There are several examples here on LS - you shouldn't have to look to hard...but off the top of my head look up user MyBrownEyedGirl. She was happy in her M, had an A, her H left her and the MOM never left his W. She routinely referred to her M and her H as happy.

 

However, you then say, in the body of the post "totally devoted and in love". With that - I would not say its possible to have an A - as one is, as you say, totally devoted and in love.

[thomasb]

i agree that anyone can have an affair, my own experience has taught me to look at these things differently.

 

however, i don't think that a person can be completely happy, devoted, committed to their spouse and look elsewhere at the same time.

there has to be something missing in their primary relationship.

 

 

That's where you are wrong. I did. There was nothing missing in my marriage. Just one big disgusting mistake.

[Lillyfree]

That's where you are wrong. I did. There was nothing missing in my marriage. Just one big disgusting mistake.

 

as i said, i was going by my own experience, and those of people i knew who had affairs

 

it is hard for me to imagine having all your needs fulfilled, being completely happy and content yet still needing more. saying that you made a mistake is even more confusing - why would you risk a perfect relationship?

[stevie_23]

I know this is hard for many to understand, but there are people out there who don't need a deep, honest connection with someone else to be happy. I've seen this more with men, but I'm sure there are women out there who are the same.

 

This is the opposite of my ex-MM. He and his wife are happy most of the time. They have their issues, as all couples do, but generally they’re stable and happy in a casual, domestic partnership way.

 

But despite having a fairly happy marriage, my ex-MM is not happy within himself if he doesn’t have a deep, intimate, emotional / mental / spiritual connection. Deep, philosophical discussions, similar viewpoints and attitudes to things, a very open mind and an introspective, deep thinker are things he needs to feel fulfilled.

 

On the other hand, his wife is happy within this marriage because she doesn’t feel the need for that kind of connection or relationship in order to be happy within herself. She wants a stable partnership and a pleasant family life.

 

So yeah. Individual internal happiness and fulfillment / satisfaction do not necessary come from a happy marriage.

[Lillyfree]

It's one thing to be happy and completely content *with the marriage* but you can still have issues and deficiencies in yourself that lead to affairs and have nothing to do with the state of the M. The key difference between As and other coping crutches is the A requires dishonesty.

 

Also there's an inconsistency. Happily married people don't *look* for affairs but they can cross boundaries and end up accepting them. Don't tons of Ow protest they were not *looking* for an affair? Well the same can be true of the Mm/W.

 

 

i will disagree. marriage/committed relationship is made out of two people. if one of them has 'issues and deficiencies' then the marriage itself can't be happy and perfect, now can it?

 

it could be more that those people who believe they are in a happy, perfect marriage then end up straying are in fact lying to themselves.

[Sarabi]

It's one thing to be happy and completely content *with the marriage* but you can still have issues and deficiencies in yourself that lead to affairs and have nothing to do with the state of the M. The key difference between As and other coping crutches is the A requires dishonesty.

 

Also there's an inconsistency. Happily married people don't *look* for affairs but they can cross boundaries and end up accepting them. Don't tons of Ow protest they were not *looking* for an affair? Well the same can be true of the Mm/W.

 

It's not all stereotype of predatory MM poor little OW.

 

I don't disagree with your post ...

...except its not all evil OW leading those poor little lambs known as MM away from their shepherdesses to the slaughterhouse...

[2sure]

I'm positive it happens. Midlife crisis and insecurities make fools of many.

[Pierre]

This is the opposite of my ex-MM. He and his wife are happy most of the time. They have their issues, as all couples do, but generally they’re stable and happy in a casual, domestic partnership way.

 

But despite having a fairly happy marriage, my ex-MM is not happy within himself if he doesn’t have a deep, intimate, emotional / mental / spiritual connection. Deep, philosophical discussions, similar viewpoints and attitudes to things, a very open mind and an introspective, deep thinker are things he needs to feel fulfilled.

 

On the other hand, his wife is happy within this marriage because she doesn’t feel the need for that kind of connection or relationship in order to be happy within herself. She wants a stable partnership and a pleasant family life.

 

So yeah. Individual internal happiness and fulfillment / satisfaction do not necessary come from a happy marriage.

 

Stevie you think highly of MM and MM loved the attention you gave him. You filled his need for admiration quite well.

 

OTOH, the wife already knows the defects and shortcomings of MM The MM cannot be a gifted thinker and philosopher in front of his wife because he cannot BS her anymore. However, at one point his wife saw MM in a different light and probably admired him as much as you do now.

[stevie_23]

Yes, I did indeed fill that need in him. As he filled it in me. BIG TIME filling going on.

 

Nah, he’s not a “gifted” anything in my opinion. His views didn’t “open my eyes” or “enlighten” me or anything. We happened to share a lot of opinions and attitudes towards things and are both “thinkers” so we were compatible in that way.

 

And he doesn’t NOT share his “gifts” or preferences for those things with his wife because he can’t “bull****” her anymore. It’s because he NEVER shared those with her simply because she isn’t interested in that stuff. She is only interested in family and her kids and gossip about people in the town. And that’s fine. He never said that was a BAD thing. He just said he wants different things from a relationship, that’s all.

 

In terms of his wife seeing him in a different light and admiring him at one stage, yes, I assume so. Way back before they got together, they knew each other as his landscape company did some work for a friend who went to her church. My ex-MM heard through this friend that the woman’s ex-husband’s company was having problems and in debt, and after quite some time of consideration, my ex-MM decided (after his own company began to dwindle) to offer this woman his services to manage the company and get it back on the straight and narrow, and she said yes, so then he went to this church friend (who’s rich) and offered him the option of lending this company the money they needed to get out of debt for a share of the profits. The guy accepted, and blah, blah, the company was saved. Then my ex-MM worked his butt off for no income for the next 3 years trying to save this company. The now-wife’s ex-husband ran it into the ground cause he was mentally ill. He lives on the streets in another state now apparently.

 

So ANYWAY, the wife would’ve viewed my ex-MM as her knight in shining armor for saving the company, and allowing her to pay for her kids to go to college. Unfortunately, she never ended up paying him back the $20,000 the company owed him when it went bankrupt last year. She considers everything that comes in as “family money” and most of it goes on her adult kids. He always found this frustrating as any money he managed to make, even large amounts, would be gone quickly and he didn’t get to see any of it. But hey…his choice to live in that situation with a family that’s not his and that he doesn’t want.

[Got it]

Stevie you think highly of MM and MM loved the attention you gave him. You filled his need for admiration quite well.

 

OTOH, the wife already knows the defects and shortcomings of MM The MM cannot be a gifted thinker and philosopher in front of his wife because he cannot BS her anymore. However, at one point his wife saw MM in a different light and probably admired him as much as you do now.

 

Not entirely true. For many BS, once dday hits they realized that they too may have been living with the facade and see their spouse for who they truly are. I think many a BS thinks back questioning whether they actually ever knew this stranger that lived with them.

[Got it]

Of course it can be both genders. I totally agree that the MM my MW relation had an affair with is exactly the type to pounce on a relationship where one party has non marital issues purely in herself.

 

Single OW are also both kinds. Some MM are predators and some OW are and some MW are and some SM are. But you find me an acronym that covers all that ground when we are talking here mostly to women.

 

No they dont force them to cheat. But like predatory MM they take advantage without conscience of what is often a temporary situation. Eg grief, depression, midlife crap.

 

The appropriate acronym is commonly known as OP (Other Person) and MS (Married Spouse) if you want to attempt to be gender neutral.

[HappyAtLast]

I can only answer for myself, but before doing anything I always considered the risks and consequences. I have been very happily married for a very long time. Certainly there have been ups and downs throughout the years, but I never once considered stepping out on my wife. I would sooner cut off my right arm than risk hurting or loosing her.

 

So for me, no. Cheating is not a possibility when I am in love with someone.