Miss1122 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I've dated quite a few guys in the past. My first boyfriend treated me so well but I broke his heart. I don't cheat and I didnt cheat on him. It was a clean breakup. He wanted to settle down but I wasn't ready so we broke up. After him, everything was a mess. All the guys I've dated ended up breaking my heart. The good ones, I ended up ruining it which lead to my heartbreak. Sometimes I feel like my heart can't tolerate anymore pain but every time a relationship ends I still feel that intense pain that I thought I wouldn't feel again. Because of my bad experiences with guys I became really cautious on who I date. I tried to weed out the players from the good guys but the ones I thought were good was not good at all. They all are players but just hiding it so well. The ones who was genuinely good, I push them away thinking they were like the bad ones who would break my heart. Sometimes I give up on dating. Not to brag but I'm an attractive lady. I stay in shape. I don't have problems meeting guys. Because of my past bad experiences, I tend to overanalyze things and compare the present to the past. I have a tendency to become paranoid and suspicious. I become anxious when I start seeing someone. I'm always scared that he would end up hurting me like the other ones. I met a really cool guy last month. He treated me so well. Even though I never saw any signs that he would be potentially breaking my heart, I got so scared that he would be and would end up leaving me. I pushed to much and I ended up pushing him away. I can't just chill and enjoy the experience of dating. Sometimes, I become really distant. Its my way of protecting myself not to get to attached. Usually it is when the I date a guy who is super attractive and get hit on by girls alot. Then guys think I'm not interested or something. I guess I just needed some feedback. I'm hurting from loosing this guy. He seemed perfect. He was once mine but I messed up and now he's gone .
Author Miss1122 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Sounds like you need therapy. I don't think I can afford to pay for it.
Author Miss1122 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Get a better job. Then seek therapy. But that would be a long term goal. I can't sit here and mess up the relationship I'm involve with. For the meantime, I need to do something about it.
Mary7720 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 "I tend to overanalyze things and compare the present to the past." When you sense that you're comparing to the past, stop and go do something else. No matter who it is, they aren't the ones from your past. Your past is supposed to help you to keep your eyes open for red flags, not completely take over. Remember that first good relationship? Model a new one after that but with years of living to make it different and better. One thing I didn't get: you're dating a really attractive guy but you're also trying to show interest to others? Why? As for therapy, yes go to at least one session. People throw money at stuff like tv, internet, phone, etc, why not this? Therapists typically work with you on a sliding scale, ask about it. Or talk to a professional at your school, church, a parental type of person in your life, and read books. 1
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Sometimes I give up on dating. Not to brag but I'm an attractive lady. I stay in shape. I don't have problems meeting guys. Because of my past bad experiences, I tend to overanalyze things and compare the present to the past. I have a tendency to become paranoid and suspicious. I become anxious when I start seeing someone. I'm always scared that he would end up hurting me like the other ones. I met a really cool guy last month. He treated me so well. Even though I never saw any signs that he would be potentially breaking my heart, I got so scared that he would be and would end up leaving me. I pushed to much and I ended up pushing him away. I can't just chill and enjoy the experience of dating. Sometimes, I become really distant. Its my way of protecting myself not to get to attached. Usually it is when the I date a guy who is super attractive and get hit on by girls alot. Then guys think I'm not interested or something. I'm thinking there is a strong potential this doesn't just come from your dating background. What was your situation like growing up? What is your relationship with your parents then? Now? You clearly have a big emotional problem to deal with. Something similar to fear of abandonment. I don't think it's an easy fix. 2
Archgirl Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Do some research online into "attachment styles in relationships", at least you've identified the problem, everything else comes from that xo
candie13 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 The fact that you rationalize what happened to you or how you react doesn't mean you can automatically take control when it happens to you (again). You just need to learn the hard way, just like everybody else. And you will repeat the same mistakes over and over again, until you've had enough and ready to move on. I know it's sh*t, but that's how it works. I am sure there are other ways around it - like getting a coach or doing serious soul searching, maybe some yoga and meditation, combining that with EFT and even Reiki... The most important thing is to learn to love yourself, your imperfect self, with all your fears and hung ups, with your needs and flows. And when you're at peace with yourself, I find that you attract a totally different type of people. Even when you're not looking. Just don't be blaming yourself, don't think you're damaged goods and most importantly, don't look for quick fixes, no matter how tired you are or how hard you've tried. Patience with yourself and with those around you.
Author Miss1122 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 "I tend to overanalyze things and compare the present to the past." When you sense that you're comparing to the past, stop and go do something else. No matter who it is, they aren't the ones from your past. Your past is supposed to help you to keep your eyes open for red flags, not completely take over. Remember that first good relationship? Model a new one after that but with years of living to make it different and better. One thing I didn't get: you're dating a really attractive guy but you're also trying to show interest to others? Why? As for therapy, yes go to at least one session. People throw money at stuff like tv, internet, phone, etc, why not this? Therapists typically work with you on a sliding scale, ask about it. Or talk to a professional at your school, church, a parental type of person in your life, and read books. No I didn't show interest to others. When Im in a relationship, I'm really faithful and loyal.
Author Miss1122 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 I'm thinking there is a strong potential this doesn't just come from your dating background. What was your situation like growing up? What is your relationship with your parents then? Now? You clearly have a big emotional problem to deal with. Something similar to fear of abandonment. I don't think it's an easy fix. Growing up, I was very independent because both my parents were working and I only saw them at night. But I was close to them. My dad passed away a year ago. I took care of him for a year when he was sick. A month later after my dad died, me and my ex broke up. It was an unexpected break up so I was terribly hurt because I was dealing with two different kind of losses.
eleanorhurting Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I have had a similar experience to you and seeing my therapist has helped
Author Miss1122 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 I have had a similar experience to you and seeing my therapist has helped Just wondering what are the important things that your therapist has said the helped you alot. Maybe you can share it. Thanks.
todreaminblue Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 the baggage that you carry around is there, accept it, you cant unlearn what you know, electric shock therapy isnt even a long term fix for that.....it simply cant be done...... you have to look at the relationship for what it is now, the destination is more important than the luggage you have to take.....where you want to go is far more important than where you have been....therapy isn't a fix it all, it has to be in you, how much you want what you have now will determine whether it works or not, because the effort you put in is what is important, i understand the distance, its far easier to retreat than move forward.....far easier to step back in your footsteps you have already walked than to walk a different path.....its scary, and uncertain........but you only have three choices, move forward or go back,or freeze in limbo.....two of them are the death of your new relationship......one of them is progression...in that progressive one, you dont have to jump and leap, you can take small steps into the new life.......one step at a time, just let go of the baggage for a while its not going anywhere, you can look at it later if you want to...but today one step for you do something you havent done before in any relationship...to show you care...give your new relationship a memory that is good and smile worthy, and step from there, one step at a time as slow as you want to go ..be honest with what you feel good o rbad with yrou new partner...and best wishes from me to you....take them with you..good luck...deb
Author Miss1122 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 the baggage that you carry around is there, accept it, you cant unlearn what you know, electric shock therapy isnt even a long term fix for that.....it simply cant be done...... you have to look at the relationship for what it is now, the destination is more important than the luggage you have to take.....where you want to go is far more important than where you have been....therapy isn't a fix it all, it has to be in you, how much you want what you have now will determine whether it works or not, because the effort you put in is what is important, i understand the distance, its far easier to retreat than move forward.....far easier to step back in your footsteps you have already walked than to walk a different path.....its scary, and uncertain........but you only have three choices, move forward or go back,or freeze in limbo.....two of them are the death of your new relationship......one of them is progression...in that progressive one, you dont have to jump and leap, you can take small steps into the new life.......one step at a time, just let go of the baggage for a while its not going anywhere, you can look at it later if you want to...but today one step for you do something you havent done before in any relationship...to show you care...give your new relationship a memory that is good and smile worthy, and step from there, one step at a time as slow as you want to go ..be honest with what you feel good o rbad with yrou new partner...and best wishes from me to you....take them with you..good luck...deb Thanks for your help. The problem is even taking small steps is a huge thing for me. I worry. I get anxious. I want to get to the destination quick and fast. I want to have this validation that the person won't just disappear. Or I become really distant. Detaching myself to avoid the hurt of being abandoned. I also do things that push them away, so I know when it's coming or I break up with them so they can't leave me.
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