Svet74 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I know some of you here say Go NC. Unless your completely over your ex, dont talk to them. Ive moved on from my ex and have no feelings for him whatsover. We have been talking for the last couple weeks. I dont want him back or anything and i dont really know how he feels. He just said he agreed to be friends. I want to hear your stories if you have been in a similar situation. What if your ex ends up wanting you back? Could it happen? Thoughts on this topic please!
todreaminblue Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I know some of you here say Go NC. Unless your completely over your ex, dont talk to them. Ive moved on from my ex and have no feelings for him whatsover. We have been talking for the last couple weeks. I dont want him back or anything and i dont really know how he feels. He just said he agreed to be friends. I want to hear your stories if you have been in a similar situation. What if your ex ends up wanting you back? Could it happen? Thoughts on this topic please! if my ex wanted me back it would be for one reason only.....we are friends now as we were in the beginning before we got together.......it cannot do another round..or be sexual in any way..its over....deb
Mack05 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 (edited) "Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing.." To me its a TOTAL no-no. It just doesn't work. For me the term 'friend' means a lot. My mother once told me at 19 if you have 5 REAL friends in your life when you get to my age, you will have had an amazing life. I laughed my ass off at the time. I was in college and thriveing. Fast forward, I am not her age yet but I don't have 5. I have 3, at a push 4. You need to understand what the term 'friend' really means. Ok you decide to stay in contact and be on good terms. Why though? There is nearly always a scenario where one is in a different place then the other. Sometimes you just be no strings attached &&%k buddies. Sometimes you can be both be in the same place and its cool to hang out, but what happens if one or the other meets someone special. There is nothing more annoying then meeting someone amazing only to discover he/she still hangs out with an ex...Then listening to the "we are only friends" bull *****.... Most times in these scenario's one or both are in denial. Save yourself the grief....Will you? No probably not, you probably both think the rules don't apply to you... some lessons got to be learnt the hard way... Edited February 11, 2013 by Mack05
Inviv_girl Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I dont think is a good idea, "friends"? come on...
316 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Being friends with an ex is a very delicate situation but if both parties are true to their feelings and if they're given the proper amount of time to move on from the relationship then it's 100% possible. Like another poster said a good barometer for if you're completely healed is if you can be happy for your ex if you found out they have a new SO. My ex and I have been broken up for about a month and a half with only 5 days of NC so far so I'm not at that point yet. I'm hoping a month or two of NC will be enough time for me to heal. I think it will though cause I'm already beginning to build interest in another girl. 1
316 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Keep in mind OP there's a bit of a selection bias on this site. A lot of people on here have been through some very tough break ups. Don't let them fool you... Being friends with an ex is 100% possible under the right circumstances and with enough time to heal. I've seen it and heard about it plenty of times. 1
H3Drvr Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I'm sorta friends with my previous ex...it's been about 1.5 years since she dumped me and I went nc with her up until last September; she re-added me on FB after I deleted her for 7 months. When I say sorta, I mean I can handle her talking to me about her current bf. she can tell me about their sex life, love life and it doesn't bother me. Maybe I'm too occupied with my recent ex to re-kindle any feelings with her. In fact, I think it bothers her more when I talk to her about my recent ex. Oddly, I have been noticing that sometimes she gets a little jealous when I say that I love this current ex more then her lol...and I believe it's true. But since she's the one who reached out to me to be friends she will have to accept that it. So I wouldn't say with my previous ex, we are "great" friends but are in friendly terms.
Author Svet74 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 "Why can't we be friends. After a breakup the work each person has to do is lose the couple identity. Each person needs to establish again his or hers identity and no longer see themselves as part of the couple they once were. Therefore being friends in the aftermath of a breakup is a complete NO NO! The atmosphere is too emtionally charged. You both need time to get yourselves together. If you leave each other alone initially you may come back later as saner, more grounded people with a better chance of being friends. But right now you need to concentrate on yourself and your healing.." To me its a TOTAL no-no. It just doesn't work. For me the term 'friend' means a lot. My mother once told me at 19 if you have 5 REAL friends in your life when you get to my age, you will have had an amazing life. I laughed my ass off at the time. I was in college and thriveing. Fast forward, I am not her age yet but I don't have 5. I have 3, at a push 4. You need to understand what the term 'friend' really means. Ok you decide to stay in contact and be on good terms. Why though? There is nearly always a scenario where one is in a different place then the other. Sometimes you just be no strings attached &&%k buddies. Sometimes you can be both be in the same place and its cool to hang out, but what happens if one or the other meets someone special. There is nothing more annoying then meeting someone amazing only to discover he/she still hangs out with an ex...Then listening to the "we are only friends" bull *****.... Most times in these scenario's one or both are in denial. Save yourself the grief....Will you? No probably not, you probably both think the rules don't apply to you... some lessons got to be learnt the hard way... I understand your point and this probably would have applied to me better right after my breakup which i did not do. I was friends with benefits. on and off with NC and therefore took me over a year to get over him. Its been six months now since our last messy breakup over another girl. Ive accepted it and moved on. We just talk, nothing more. I agree with the rest of you, I guess it depends on the situation. I never thought id actually be able to be friends with my ex but surprisingly its not weird at all. I do think that he is trying to see if i have feelings for him or not. He still tries to play games to which i dont respond to with jealousy or anything like that, or get in his personal business, get angry at him or stress. I guess if you get to that point it means alot
veggirl Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 As long as you're fine with listening to your ex gush about the new guy/girl in their life, then friends is great! If you won't be able to deal with hearing that or seeing them with another SO then you can't be friends. It's really the best way to tell.
mike588 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 My ex. and I were friends many many years ago before re-connecting and dating. She had just gotten out of a bad relationship (her words) and I ignored all the red flags that I was possibly a rebound. We dated for a year the out of the blue she dumps me for him...I was blown away and devestated and just couldn't believe it. I went N.C. a few days later and tryed to heal and move on with my life. It's been 15 months now and I'm completely over her and the b/u. A few weeks ago we ran into each other and shortly after that we exchanged e-mails. I let her know that I had forgiven her and wished her well and I hold no anger towards her. We are slowly working on being friends again...FRIENDS ONLY!!!! I don't wish to hang out with her or become best friends but have no problem with just talking with her on ocassion....wishing her a Happy Birthday...a Merry X.Mas etc. etc.
Author Svet74 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 As long as you're fine with listening to your ex gush about the new guy/girl in their life, then friends is great! If you won't be able to deal with hearing that or seeing them with another SO then you can't be friends. It's really the best way to tell. Yes i can handle that, As a matter of fact I would love to give him advice. when he told me he broke up with his new girlfriend. i told him that if he loves her he should fight for her lol. He just laughed. And i was being totally serious lol
Mack05 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 He still tries to play games to which i dont respond to with jealousy or anything like that, or get in his personal business, get angry at him or stress. I guess if you get to that point it means alot Then why be friends? Friendship is not about second guessing or playing games. Friends are people who add a HUGE amount to your life and vice versa. To me an ex is someone you say happy birthday or happy Christmas to. Having an ex in your life just complicates things, even if you are over him/her.
Author Svet74 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 My ex. and I were friends many many years ago before re-connecting and dating. She had just gotten out of a bad relationship (her words) and I ignored all the red flags that I was possibly a rebound. We dated for a year the out of the blue she dumps me for him...I was blown away and devestated and just couldn't believe it. I went N.C. a few days later and tryed to heal and move on with my life. It's been 15 months now and I'm completely over her and the b/u. A few weeks ago we ran into each other and shortly after that we exchanged e-mails. I let her know that I had forgiven her and wished her well and I hold no anger towards her. We are slowly working on being friends again...FRIENDS ONLY!!!! I don't wish to hang out with her or become best friends but have no problem with just talking with her on ocassion....wishing her a Happy Birthday...a Merry X.Mas etc. etc. 15 months is a while. Def think its not problem if your both on the same page about being friends
Author Svet74 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Then why be friends? Friendship is not about second guessing or playing games. Friends are people who add a HUGE amount to your life and vice versa. To me an ex is someone you say happy birthday or happy Christmas to. Having an ex in your life just complicates things, even if you are over him/her. well maybe he is not on the same page if he is trying to play games. I guess i can see your point. But i feel like if i stay friends with him i might be able to help him. He has so many issues in his life and everyone is basically neglecting him. I would never let him use me or anthing. Just talk to him. And i def wouldnt go out of my way and change my plans to hang out with him. I dont know. maybe your right. And what if i end up developing feelings for him again? well then il really be screwed. I dont want to be with him. hes not what im looking for. And what if i end up meeting someone new how would he feel? Your prob right its not a good idea. But he is so happy that i am. He hated that i went NC on him
Mack05 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 well maybe he is not on the same page if he is trying to play games. I guess i can see your point. But i feel like if i stay friends with him i might be able to help him. He has so many issues in his life and everyone is basically neglecting him. I would never let him use me or anthing. Just talk to him. And i def wouldnt go out of my way and change my plans to hang out with him. I dont know. maybe your right. And what if i end up developing feelings for him again? well then il really be screwed. I dont want to be with him. hes not what im looking for. And what if i end up meeting someone new how would he feel? Your prob right its not a good idea. But he is so happy that i am. He hated that i went NC on him I mean just read this post...Two things. Firstly its not in ANYWAY your responsibility to help him, or be in any way a crutch for him. Secondly you are even talking about (the potential) developing feelings for him again before this 'friendship' even starts.... As I said in my first post. You will ignore my advice and this will end up a toxic situation one way or another..Doesn't matter how 'over' him you are. This has train wreck written all over it.
stevie_23 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 In my case, back in 2001 my partner of 4 years (we’d been best friends for 8 years in total by then) broke up with me. It was very hard and painful. We never intended NOT to continue being best friends though, and it got much easier after about 2 weeks of mild awkwardness. She already had a new girlfriend and so obviously there was no chance of her wanting me back. And I knew I couldn’t have HER back either. After those first 2 weeks of adapting, I didn’t want her back anyway. We were much better just being friends. And we’ve been best friends ever since. 1
Author Svet74 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 That is not a good reason, though. If you're going to be friends, be friends because he adds something to your life, not just because he wants you in his. A real friendship is two-sided. He prob just wants to be friends with me and feel wanted. I can now understand why he is trying to pull games. I dont think he understands that i actually just want to be friends. and that is prob because the last 3 times i tried to be friends in my heart i couldnt handle it because i still loved him. He adds nothing to my life. He is a low life. I feel bad for him
na49 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I wonder about this at times. What if I ever tried to be friends with my ex? What would she say to me if I reached out to her and asked about that? Could I handle hearing "I'm happy in my relationship but I wouldn't mind being friends" Will I ever become friends with her or is this really how it ends? I go NC, block her everywhere, and never hear a word from her again as we both live completely opposite lives? She's already asked about being friends before I blocked her. I had to decline the offer of course. I miss her because she was my best friend and I don't have very many friends at college right now. No one's feeling sorry for me though, and she isn't either. I've gotta put my big boy pants on and keep going with or without her. as difficult as it is for me at times.
Mack05 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 In my case, back in 2001 my partner of 4 years (we’d been best friends for 8 years in total by then) broke up with me. It was very hard and painful. We never intended NOT to continue being best friends though, and it got much easier after about 2 weeks of mild awkwardness. She already had a new girlfriend and so obviously there was no chance of her wanting me back. And I knew I couldn’t have HER back either. After those first 2 weeks of adapting, I didn’t want her back anyway. We were much better just being friends. And we’ve been best friends ever since. See that ***** would drive me mad...Say I was the guy that hooked up with Stevie's ex after they broke up. We have a big fight six months in. I mean seeing your partner going to an ex for advice, after you have had a fight is one of the most annoying things....... There are two different view points here. For me, no way in hell I would be friends with an ex or want my new partner to be friends with an ex. It actually has nothing to do with insecurity (despite others saying otherwise). Its about respect and boundaries. Indeed if a new girl I met was close with her ex, I would exit stage left. Relationships are hard enough to make work without extra baggage and complications. Falling in love is special. Why risk a future relationship on a guy who probably won't make a good friend for you anyway?
Author Svet74 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 I mean just read this post...Two things. Firstly its not in ANYWAY your responsibility to help him, or be in any way a crutch for him. Secondly you are even talking about (the potential) developing feelings for him again before this 'friendship' even starts.... As I said in my first post. You will ignore my advice and this will end up a toxic situation one way or another..Doesn't matter how 'over' him you are. This has train wreck written all over it. No i promise it wont and if it starts getting that way i will run away before it happens. I just wished he changed. I want him to be happy. Even if its with someone else. Your giving me realistic advice but your right. and he will prob pull off something so stupid and piss me off just like he did before. why put myself through all that
Author Svet74 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 I wonder about this at times. What if I ever tried to be friends with my ex? What would she say to me if I reached out to her and asked about that? Could I handle hearing "I'm happy in my relationship but I wouldn't mind being friends" Will I ever become friends with her or is this really how it ends? I go NC, block her everywhere, and never hear a word from her again as we both live completely opposite lives? She's already asked about being friends before I blocked her. I had to decline the offer of course. I miss her because she was my best friend and I don't have very many friends at college right now. No one's feeling sorry for me though, and she isn't either. I've gotta put my big boy pants on and keep going with or without her. as difficult as it is for me at times. Sounds like you still have feelings for her. Keep NC and def dont be friends, thats my advice
Author Svet74 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 See that ***** would drive me mad...Say I was the guy that hooked up with Stevie's ex after they broke up. We have a big fight six months in. I mean seeing your partner going to an ex for advice, after you have had a fight is one of the most annoying things....... There are two different view points here. For me, no way in hell I would be friends with an ex or want my new partner to be friends with an ex. It actually has nothing to do with insecurity (despite others saying otherwise). Its about respect and boundaries. Indeed if a new girl I met was close with her ex, I would exit stage left. Relationships are hard enough to make work without extra baggage and complications. Falling in love is special. Why risk a future relationship on a guy who probably won't make a good friend for you anyway? I agree with you. I would not be happy if my new boyfriend was friends with his ex. If i met someone new, I would no longer continue to talk to my ex.
Author Svet74 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Then run away from him, fast! Do people change? I still have hope for him. And that he finds God.
Mack05 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I agree with you. I would not be happy if my new boyfriend was friends with his ex. If i met someone new, I would no longer continue to talk to my ex. So he is a low life (your words). If you meet someone new you will discard him anyway, so why put yourself through the extra hassle? cause you feel sorry for him? cause he is neglected by people who have absolutely no relevance to you? HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Worry about you, your family, your friends...He is gone, no longer part of your life and/OR your future. End of...
stevie_23 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 See that ***** would drive me mad...Say I was the guy that hooked up with Stevie's ex after they broke up. We have a big fight six months in. I mean seeing your partner going to an ex for advice, after you have had a fight is one of the most annoying things....... There are two different view points here. For me, no way in hell I would be friends with an ex or want my new partner to be friends with an ex. It actually has nothing to do with insecurity (despite others saying otherwise). Its about respect and boundaries. Indeed if a new girl I met was close with her ex, I would exit stage left. Relationships are hard enough to make work without extra baggage and complications. Falling in love is special. Why risk a future relationship on a guy who probably won't make a good friend for you anyway? HAHA! I hear ya! Let me tell you something - my best friend, her new girlfriend after we broke up, and me were ALL close friends. I was friends with the girlfriend even before we broke up! So it was VERY awkward for a while there, but I decided that if I were truly going to continue my best friendship with this person, then I couldn't have her girlfriend between us. It was not HER fault that we didn't last forever. However, my best friend and I went away on a trip we booked before we broke up, and we slept in separate beds in the hotel and were PURELY just friends, but her new girlfriend called every single day in tears, and would stay on the phone for HOURS, so insecure that we were hooking up. We couldn't convince her that we were like sisters now (lesbian relationship, this was). So anyway...yeah, remaining friends with an ex CAN cause issues, but we refused to end a friendship that was over 8 years long over the new girlfriend's insecurity. She adjusted after a while and we were really close. She saw finally that my best friend was with HER and had NO interest in being back with me. GOD NO! In terms of the respect or boundaries thing about if they had a fight and my friend would come to me and stuff for advice, yes, she often did. And actually, they had a HUGE fight very early on in their relationship (not about me) and I was still feeling lonely and strange about not being with her anymore in a relationship, and she called me in tears, and I was very non-judgmental and very understanding about both their points of view. It was not about my feelings on things at that point - just their's and their relationship. So I think she knew that no matter what, I wouldn't hold anything I learned about the relationship and the new girlfriend against either of them.
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