So very

[in-limboland]

Ok, my life is completely screwed up! I've been married almost 10 years, have a 4 year old daughter and am currently a SAHM. H and I have had sex about 15 times since 2005, when we found out we couldn't have children due to H issues. I would initiate most of the time and be shot down because he was too tired or busy or whatever. He works about 50-65 hours a week because he's a doctor, so I also felt like a single parent. He doesn't really like to go anywhere together and our main intertainment is going to dinner nearly every night. Finally last February we had huge blow up over all of this with him saying everything he does is for me, he loves me so much, etc. So, I started going to visit my family about once a month and did that all last year. I had been looking at places to rent and jobs in the same city where my family lives, 4 hours from our home. We went to 3 marriage counselors, who all asked if we'd thought about separation. I've been so lonely for so long. In October I met a guy at a sports bar in the town where my family is. Long story short, we went back to his place the night we met and the physical stuff started and we started texting all day, every day after that. We would get together when I was visiting my family. I'd already been agonizing over whether to stay with H for 9 months, when I met other guy. So, other guy found out he was going to have to move for a job in May and basically ended it last week to protect both of us from getting more hurt. My H found out through texts, consulted with an attorney and we are on the path to separation. But, I am totally freaked out and don't know if this is really what I want now. I'm scared to death to actually be a single parent. I haven't worked in 9 years and am terrified of going back to work. I've been in limbo land for so long, and now he made the decision for me and I am totally confused about what I really want! H and I still love each other very much and I'm still living at home. Please help me! I think I'm going to lose it!

[revitup]

Lose it?Nope,I think sadly,You made a decision to throw it away.

 

It seems there is much more to the lack of affection and intimacy between you and H.

 

I see a woman who has been cared for and now wishes she hadn't went to the cookie jar one time too many.I say this because I believe my STBXWW did the same thing,but for a different reason,a mental disorder.

 

You may want to come absolutely clean with the Dr and hope he and yourself are really as "in love" as you say.If he loves you and you love him,counseling can't hurt.If you simply want to feel better by confessing here to us,I doubt that will help at home.

 

I wish you the best.

[Yasuandio]

I do understand a marriage without sex. 15 times since 05. that is basically 7 and half years - twice a year? Not enough. Certainly not enough for a man. This was a fact I had to eventually get into my head.

 

In the last two years of my marriage there was no sex at all. The rest of the years averaged out about like yours did. My husband abandoned me in a foreign country, and by pure chance, I met someone else. I did not come home for the entire winter. And when I did appear - I was a different person. Our marriage has ended in divorce because of my addressing my needs once I recovered after being left on the seaside without my medication and glasses.

 

This is what I can tell you about when I got home. My husband suddenly wanted me. HE wanted what had been taken from him, really. I cross-examined him - and told him I was aware of him seeng someone during the marriage - and I was just waiting for him to come clean. His response: It was my fault, because I did not tell him to stop seeing her. Then he added, I didn't have any proof.

 

Proof or no proof - a man does not go without sex. Get that in your head. Here is another thing to get in your head. No matter if you were denied sex at home - what you did was wrong - accept that. I understand your physical needs more than you do - as I was married 27 years in a situation like this - but you were wrong and I was wrong. You must accept that. You must apologize and ask for forgiveness at some appropriate time.

 

My marriage is over due to my conduct (but I am better off, my husband did not treat me kindly at all). Yours may be over too, due to your conduct. I didn't make his conduct an issue - until mine was an issue. That was my choice. I have to live with that. You have to live with same. You must just bite the bullet and eat it. Because a man is not going to admit screwing around until he wants you back, and believes he is in danger of losing you. So, your only choice is to get in the business of getting lost, and not wanting him. That's all ya got. Other than getting another boyfriend that will keep you happy.

 

"Single woman are happy women, married woman are married to the boss." Homer McDonald (I suggest you look this author up, he has some taped interviews that might help you).