veryhappy Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Pot...Kettle I find it odd that you don't see the irony of your comments. You find it odd because your idea of who I am is wrong. Not my cup of tea to explain myself to BWs around here, but I will. I did experience the other side of the coin, feeling extremely negative about exMM W. I was never delusional enough to believe that if they had sex, she was forcing her into it...i also knew all along that my feelings were irrational and not normal. Feeling intensly against her was actually one of my cues that the A was over. Everything had gotten too insane. A few months after ending the A my anger shifted completely to exMM shoulders. And there's a lot of anger. I did have revenge fantasies all along, but the big difference is that haven't acted on any of them. Still do and right now I wouldn't act on them because I don't see the point in hurting his W. No, I don't love and adore her, but I have moved beyond the negative feelings for her. Most of it was fueled by exMM who was finding his wqy to the best bet from both of us. The irony is the OP can't even imagine that the things her remoresful H are feeding her might be bs. The one with her convincing him not to wear a condom is the most flashing piece of bs of all. I hope now it's all clear where I am in the process. I don't blame exMM W for anything. I don't toruture myself either for what I've done to her, as some would like to see. I'm out of her life and she's out of mine, and that's the way it's supposed to be. No ironies. I'm sure exMM feels the same way about my H. Hardly in his thoughts, regrets or best wishes list. If you around here believe the cheating is about the cheater, and not the M, why not make the natural jump and realize the cheating is about the cheater, and not the OW?
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 You find it odd because your idea of who I am is wrong. Not my cup of tea to explain myself to BWs around here, but I will. I did experience the other side of the coin, feeling extremely negative about exMM W. I was never delusional enough to believe that if they had sex, she was forcing her into it...i also knew all along that my feelings were irrational and not normal. Feeling intensly against her was actually one of my cues that the A was over. Everything had gotten too insane. A few months after ending the A my anger shifted completely to exMM shoulders. And there's a lot of anger. I did have revenge fantasies all along, but the big difference is that haven't acted on any of them. Still do and right now I wouldn't act on them because I don't see the point in hurting his W. No, I don't love and adore her, but I have moved beyond the negative feelings for her. Most of it was fueled by exMM who was finding his wqy to the best bet from both of us. The irony is the OP can't even imagine that the things her remoresful H are feeding her might be bs. The one with her convincing him not to wear a condom is the most flashing piece of bs of all. I hope now it's all clear where I am in the process. I don't blame exMM W for anything. I don't toruture myself either for what I've done to her, as some would like to see. I'm out of her life and she's out of mine, and that's the way it's supposed to be. No ironies. I'm sure exMM feels the same way about my H. Hardly in his thoughts, regrets or best wishes list. If you around here believe the cheating is about the cheater, and not the M, why not make the natural jump and realize the cheating is about the cheater, and not the OW? Because we are astute enough to realize that sometimes it just may be the marriage. And sometimes, it just may be the OW/OM.
nofool4u Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 It is still his fault, all the way. She made no commitment to me. He did. While I believe also that the cheating spouse is the most to blame, the OW/OM is not blameless. Its like saying I can piss on your shoes because I don't know you and have no ties to you. It is, however, your H that needs to be held accountable for what he has done. His other woman can simply piss off. (However I'll digress if OW didn't know he was married) After several conversations and question and answer sessions, I have found out many things that shed a new light on what a bimbo this tramp really is. She is the one who gave him her number and when he told her that he was married, she said she didn't care. This right here, while no need to quote the rest, says that you do think she has a roll to play in the blame. Of course she does. Even if she wasn't the aggressor, they all have a roll if they knew beforehand they were getting involved with someone who is married. My anger has grown for her though. I hate her and if I saw her in person, I would have a hard time not punching her in the stomach. I am not a violent person. I am a peace loving hippy chick. I just feel like I need revenge so bad. Husband took me to their spot by the river. I want to print pictures of her and write "WHORE" on them and post them to the trees all over "their spot". I am tired of being the bigger person! That's all I have ever been! It sucks!!! And there is nothing wrong with the anger you feel towards her. But remember, your H involved himself with this whore, and don't fool yourself if you think he didn't know the kind of little slut he was involving himself with. He knew, which is why he did it. An easy piece. If she is a whore, and he knows this, what does it make him for sleeping with her? Don't get me wrong. You are DEFINITELY justified in being angry with her. Everyone is justified in being angry at an OW/OM that knowingly gets involved with their spouse. But I'm wondering if your H is getting off too easy here. But I'll digress. Ceasing to be the bigger person when in your same situation isn't a bad thing. 1
SmokeRat Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I'll chime in on this one, as I also posted the OM on cheaterville. I do not regret it. At all. 22,000 people from the town/city I live in saw that posting. His children saw that posting, his wife saw it, his parents, co-workers, friends...everyone. I made damn well sure of that. I also posted, in his profile post, my wife's contact with me. Pictures of them together, pictures of their emails, texts and all that jazz. Did it nearly end my marriage. Yup, my wife nearly walked out on me after that because she was so angry and humiliated. But I didn't back down, I left it up for another week. Wife and I are still together, and we're working hard on our marriage. What it did show my wife, is that I have a backbone and I'm not going to back down. She humilitated me for 2 years of our relationship, now she has to live with everyone in my town/city knowing what her and the OM did. Do not apologize for what you did, do not apologize for your anger. Let it out, but also hold your husband accountable. Post a picture of them together, let your husband and the OW feel the shame they brought on you. The problem with our society is that there are no long term negative reactions to infidelity. The internet can change that very easily, so use it. 2
Furious Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 You find it odd because your idea of who I am is wrong. Not my cup of tea to explain myself to BWs around here, but I will. I did experience the other side of the coin, feeling extremely negative about exMM W. I was never delusional enough to believe that if they had sex, she was forcing her into it...i also knew all along that my feelings were irrational and not normal. Feeling intensly against her was actually one of my cues that the A was over. Everything had gotten too insane. A few months after ending the A my anger shifted completely to exMM shoulders. And there's a lot of anger. I did have revenge fantasies all along, but the big difference is that haven't acted on any of them. Still do and right now I wouldn't act on them because I don't see the point in hurting his W. No, I don't love and adore her, but I have moved beyond the negative feelings for her. Most of it was fueled by exMM who was finding his wqy to the best bet from both of us. The irony is the OP can't even imagine that the things her remoresful H are feeding her might be bs. The one with her convincing him not to wear a condom is the most flashing piece of bs of all. I hope now it's all clear where I am in the process. I don't blame exMM W for anything. I don't toruture myself either for what I've done to her, as some would like to see. I'm out of her life and she's out of mine, and that's the way it's supposed to be. No ironies. I'm sure exMM feels the same way about my H. Hardly in his thoughts, regrets or best wishes list. If you around here believe the cheating is about the cheater, and not the M, why not make the natural jump and realize the cheating is about the cheater, and not the OW? The irony in your situation is that your husband is in the dark, and you've chosen to stay married to him. The irony is you have no idea how your husband may feel about you and your ex-married man if he were to discover the truth. 2
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I'll chime in on this one, as I also posted the OM on cheaterville. I do not regret it. At all. 22,000 people from the town/city I live in saw that posting. His children saw that posting, his wife saw it, his parents, co-workers, friends...everyone. I made damn well sure of that. I also posted, in his profile post, my wife's contact with me. Pictures of them together, pictures of their emails, texts and all that jazz. Did it nearly end my marriage. Yup, my wife nearly walked out on me after that because she was so angry and humiliated. But I didn't back down, I left it up for another week. Wife and I are still together, and we're working hard on our marriage. What it did show my wife, is that I have a backbone and I'm not going to back down. She humilitated me for 2 years of our relationship, now she has to live with everyone in my town/city knowing what her and the OM did. Do not apologize for what you did, do not apologize for your anger. Let it out, but also hold your husband accountable. Post a picture of them together, let your husband and the OW feel the shame they brought on you. The problem with our society is that there are no long term negative reactions to infidelity. The internet can change that very easily, so use it.[/QUOTE] I wonder if societal changes are taking place as exemplified by you Smoke Rat and a few other....I'll call them hardliners for lack of a better word...who are now posting here at LS. Is it possible that the internet which fuels and can cause affairs, is now being used as a tool to expose them also? Could it be that society, in general, is taking a harsher stance against infidelity in general? Perhaps that warrants it's own thread. Sorry for the t/j.
veryhappy Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 (edited) The irony in your situation is that your husband is in the dark, and you've chosen to stay married to him. The irony is you have no idea how your husband may feel about you and your ex-married man if he were to discover the truth. irony - definition of irony by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia. Too hard to edit on my phone. Please take the meaning you are using for irony which I can only assume to be 2a and explain how my words and what you see as the irony of it connect from a logical point of view. Edit: 1. a. The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning. b. An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning. c. A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect. See Synonyms at [COLOR=#1d4994]wit[/COLOR][sIZE=1]1[/sIZE]. 2. a. Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs: [COLOR=#226699]"Hyde noted the irony of Ireland's copying the nation she most hated"[/COLOR] [COLOR=#226699](Richard Kain).[/COLOR] b. An occurrence, result, or circumstance notable for such incongruity. See Usage Note at [COLOR=#1d4994]ironic[/COLOR]. Edited February 11, 2013 by cutedragon
jwi71 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I'll chime in on this one, as I also posted the OM on cheaterville. I do not regret it. At all. 22,000 people from the town/city I live in saw that posting. His children saw that posting, his wife saw it, his parents, co-workers, friends...everyone. I made damn well sure of that. I also posted, in his profile post, my wife's contact with me. Pictures of them together, pictures of their emails, texts and all that jazz. Did it nearly end my marriage. Yup, my wife nearly walked out on me after that because she was so angry and humiliated. But I didn't back down, I left it up for another week. Wife and I are still together, and we're working hard on our marriage. What it did show my wife, is that I have a backbone and I'm not going to back down. She humilitated me for 2 years of our relationship, now she has to live with everyone in my town/city knowing what her and the OM did. Do not apologize for what you did, do not apologize for your anger. Let it out, but also hold your husband accountable. Post a picture of them together, let your husband and the OW feel the shame they brought on you. The problem with our society is that there are no long term negative reactions to infidelity. The internet can change that very easily, so use it. I think the problem is less her posting it but the fact she guessed at the name. If you're gonna post this info at least bother to get the basic facts straight - making a mistake (the name) could have dire repercussions for a purely innocent party. 4
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I made it invisible. I am happy to hear that. There is so much going on in your life right now it is hard to think straight. But do not take any action you may regret at a later date, and I think you may have come to regret this in time. Excuse me if I am remiss in not knowing your back story. Have you ever spoken to the OW in your sitch? Would she return a phone call from you if it was made? It is very easy to hate the nameless, faceless, person and it is very similiar when we see OW and OM who hate the BS yet never once made an attempt to contact us. So right now, is all your information regarding her from your spouse and only him? I think you need to tell him what you did, why you did it, and how you then undid it. I think you are angry, enraged, and frustrated and that is normal right now. But please make sure you have, to the best of your ability, the truth of the situation and that may include contacting her again and hearing her side too.
SmokeRat Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 My wifes affair started at work, and used the internet to hide it and plan for the next meeting. The internet is helping expose affairs as easily as it generates them. But what the internet allows, is for people to expose those affairs to a limitless amount of readers. This alone, should scare most people away from infidelity, however, it does not seem to scare them all away. What the OP did, was show there are dire consequences to having an affair. And I said good on you. As a hardliner, I assume you mean, taking an aggressive stance against infidelity? If that's the case then yes, after reading a bunch of posts about my original forum thread, I decided to stop being a doormat. After taking the affair to the lovely internet, it kind of nuked it into the ground. Turning his own children against him also helped that. Keep your head high, and burn his/her affair to the ground. Sift through the ashes and see if there is anything to save. My wife risked our marriage and health for a lover. In turn, I put her career and the OM's career over the fire (no pun intended), along with the OM's eldest son's career with the Fire Dept being done. Consequences, your WS and the OM/OW need to learn them. 1
Spark1111 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I think the problem is less her posting it but the fact she guessed at the name. If you're gonna post this info at least bother to get the basic facts straight - making a mistake (the name) could have dire repercussions for a purely innocent party. Is it me? Or are men much more vengeful than women? Again, sorry for the t/j.
SmokeRat Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 We're totally more vengeful. Blame genetics. =p 1
jwi71 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Is it me? Or are men much more vengeful than women? Again, sorry for the t/j. I don't think its gender based - anything more goes WAY off topic - not being curt or anything - just trying to stay as "less off topic" as I can.
sweet_pea Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 THIS! responders are arguing if she should or shouldn't post the info, which really isn't even the subject matter. Everyone is forgetting that she doesn't even know the ow's name for sure and she posted 2 other names, that MIGHT be her. To do damage to an innocent person is not right, no matter how you slice it. At least 2 of those people, maybe 3 are innocent. I guess my confusion with this is: if she included a picture of the OW, how would innocent people be affected? It's not like she just said "Sally Mae or Sarah Mae did it!," but instead she said "This is a picture of the OW. Her name may be Sally Mae or Sarah Mae." If there is photographic evidence, so to speak, then how are innocent people in trouble? They have a face, just not the name rather than having a name and no face. 3
SunshineToday Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I don't really think it's a huge deal. First, most people don't even visit or read cheaterville. It doesn't even seem like a legitimate site (I know it is) but I mean it's not like they GUARANTEE their stories are checked out. So if you have a picture of the real cheater and the possible name of the cheater and you state you are not sure of the name. I don't see the problem. 2
sweet_pea Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 The problem with this, is search engines search words. They then attach words (names) to a picture. Also let me be clear.......I am not defending the ow. I am defending the innocent people who could forever be hurt by such an act. Ok, just wondering. I know you're not defending the OW, I was genuinely confused but I understand where you're coming from 1
SunshineToday Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 LadyGrey, With respect, if someone is using cheaterville--for a reference check, you don't want to work for them. ANYONE can put ANYTHING on that site. It is not verified. So for an employer to use it, speaks volumes about the employer. And if my name & photo ended up on cheaterville--and I was a cheater, well what could I do? Part of my karma for cheating, right? At least that is how I would feel. And if my name & photo ended up on cheaterville--and I was NOT a cheater, well then I guess I would have to contact the site admins or my lawyer or whatever to get if off. 2
SidLyon Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 (edited) I support putting the APs on Cheaterville if the BS so desires, although I think it's important to get the name right and not implicate an "innocent" person. Some people have quite common names anyway, so a photo is probably essential. My own name is quite common and probably appears on Cheaterville, but on the other hand an on-line or Facebook search of me is difficult without additional information. I apparently am a Life Coach, a dermatologist, a movie star, a motivational speaker, a musician and many more including a specialist counselor in infidelity! In my instance I had no hesitation in putting the OW's name on Cheaterville but it didn't "take" because she is not in the USA. She has a very uncommon name - no others in this country and only one other in the world that I could find. Anyone searching the internet for her name will find some of the raunchy photos (not pornographic, but embarrassing I imagine) she sent to my H knowing he would use the family's computer to view them. I put them out there last year but will eventually remove them. Edited February 12, 2013 by SidLyon 1
freestyle Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 It's about false, damaging info getting put on the internet about someone. I agree with this wholeheartedly. If you're going to call someone out on the internet---you'd better be 1000% certain you have the right name. Another potential repercussion for an innocent party being slandered-- what if--- That innocent party had/has an unstable significant other who does check sites like that? And it causes them to react violently? If they're that unhinged--they're NOT going to listen to reason. They could become convinced that "they were right all along" and the possible consequences could be dire. I"m sorry---but you don't just *guess* at a name, and *hope* that you're right, if you're going to post someone's name on a site like that. It's like raping someone's reputation. It's like lobbing a grenade, when a dart is required. 1
Realist3 Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Cheaterville seems to be a dud. There simply are not enough people entered to be effective. When you type in any of the major cities in the US you come up with one maybe two names.
whichwayisup Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Thank you. He is remorsful and in counseling and marriage counseling. He is not pinning it on her. I originnally put no blame on her. I am just now realizing how manipulative she was. That is not an excuse for his behavior. He knows it and I know it. It takes two. There are some OW who genuinally fall deeply in love and they aren't out to screw over the BS or not care at all. Most do care and feel bad but their love and belief in what MM tells them overrides/overrules their head and better jugdement. So yeah, your H just happened to pick an OW who couldn't give a crap about who she hurts, she sounds self absorbed and quite a user. It's a real bloody shame that he did this to you - ALL for what, a hot roll in the hay with someone who meant nothing and sounds a bit wacky as well. DO take care of yourself first and continue with counseling. 1
SidLyon Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I understand where you are coming from and while I'm not so sure how I feel about that, I recognize that it's your call and I wouldn't ever stick my neck out and say you had no right to do that. The thing is.........you are absolutely sure what the ow's name is. That's a whole different ballgame from what the op was saying she did. I understand that not everybody is as militantly exposure oriented as I have been, and I expect some OWs could feel threatened by the prospect of having their own participation in an affair exposed. I actually think it's "good" for OWs who post here to consider what any consequences to them might be if their MM's BW decided to do some of the things I've done. Also just because a BW decides to expose an OW, doesn't mean she's going to expose her WH in the same way. As everybody knows there's no symmetry or fairness when it comes to affairs. In my case I exposed my WH to his family and some friends and I exposed the OW more widely, including to her adult son, her parents in law, employers, and to her new partner (who was a MM) and his BW. A BS with exposure on his/her mind has to be prepared for any adverse consequences and also have an understanding about how far s/he can go without breaching laws. As it happens there haven't been any significant adverse consequences to me, my family or our marriage reconciliation from my actions in exposing the OW or my fWH. 5
BetrayedH Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 The thing is we wouldn't any of us just accept any other kind of injustice would we? So how do you make a virtue of accepting being screwed over? I don't like that concept. I wonder what the alternatives are. I respect and understand this position. I wrestled mightily with trying to find a way to balance the scales. In fact, I went so far with twisted logic to justify having my own affair. It was not to hurt or punish my wife but to allow me to relinquish the moral high ground that so fed my anger and to give me the solace of feeling desirable again. Frankly, not the wisest of posters here could not talk me out of it. Because of the fact that I can't hide that level of dishonesty, I confessed and did hurt my wife. And the ego boost was all too temporary. As for my anger, I still had it at a nice high level since her actions had precipitated taking our marriage to such disasterous place. But of course, I could no longer express that anger since I had done such an effective job in ceding the moral high ground. The fact is that there is no balancing the scales. It remains an injustice. There is no making it up to us, at least none that I've seen. And if you truly love your wayward spouse, you can't justify inflicting punishment on them to get that justice. The formula for reconciliation remains that the wayward is remorserful and the betrayed finds it within them to forgive (or in the terms we've been using, accept that this is a permanent part of their marital history). I would also look toward the other betrayed spouses who managed to reconcile to chime in because my effort clearly failed. If you have another solution, I'm sure that many would like to hear it. As far as I can tell, finding justice through any form of punishment or revenge is fleeting and usually causes more harm to the marriage (and the betrayed partner) than one ever anticipates. 2
TigerCub Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 The thing is we wouldn't any of us just accept any other kind of injustice would we? So how do you make a virtue of accepting being screwed over? I don't like that concept. I wonder what the alternatives are. But isn't every BS that stayed with a cheating spouse accepting it? I mean, yeah I'm sure most want to know that the WS is sorry and making changes so that they never screw the BS over again - but in the end, isn't it an act of accepting what they did by staying with them and not divorcing? 2
SmokeRat Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 I will chime in from BetrayedH's post. I managed to get my revenge on my wife and OM. By outing their affair to everyone I know, they know, and the people that know the people that know x infinity. It was satisfying, it was liberating and it made a strong statement. It also showed my wife that I can be vengeful and vindictive. This can either drive your wife/husband into the arms of their lover, drive them simply away from you, or open their eyes. Luckily (depending on your opinion), it opened her eyes. I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought about having a revenge affair, because I have. And I agree with BetrayedH that this moral high ground I am on, feeds my anger and hurt 24/7. But I wouldn't be me, without standing on this moral highground, I wouldn't be able to wake up in the morning (or evening) go to work and have people thank me for doing my job. I could never allow myself to sink to the level of depravity that my Wife has, and many other WS's have. Even after outing the affair, and seeing the shame, guilt and self-loathing my wife had for herself when she finally ended it, it doesn't change what she did. It doesn't change that another man was with my wife in the most intimate setting. Nothing you do, to yourself or to her/him, will change that.
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