PoppyK Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 My ex boyfriend and I broke up Nov 2011. I have dated one guy since then for about 6 months but I felt literally nothing - negative or positive - so thought it was best for his sake not to mess him around. I was - and still am - totally in love with my ex boyfriend. I know it is up to me to make myself happy - I have a great job I love, my health, friends, family etc for which I am very grateful - but I wish I just could feel something again. The only time I do is when I dream about my ex and it is so vivid - I can speak to him, touch him, smell him - that i wake up in tears and it makes the entire day difficult. This happens about twice a week. We have had no contact apart from a couple of quick chats when we have seen each other out. Which I love and hate in equal measure. I have no idea what he is doing in his life- I don't ask around as I don't want to know - but at times he is mentioned in passing due to friendship links and I have to leave the room as it makes my stomach knot up and I don't want to cry about it. I know that it is just time and keeping myself busy but I can honestly say in terms of 'getting over him' I have made absolutely no progress at all. There is no way I can continue like this. I feel like my only option is to quit my job and live overseas but I also know that to do it for that reason would probably mean I wouldn't enjoy it. I feel that I am destined to be alone - not in a pity me way, just accepting of it - but I just cannot bear this constant replaying in my heart of how much I miss him and love him. All the while I know he has no interest in me as that is why we broke up - he admitted he wasn't able to have any feelings for anyone so I had to break up with him as it made me so unhappy. Being with someone you love so much who you find out you mean nothing to (I was better than nothing essentially) has totally messed my head up. Any ideas?
8radient8 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I'm somewhat in a similar situation myself. I think that we, as girls, are designed to nurture. I think that the relationship we put the most heart and soul in to is the one where the other person never truly seems to harbor the same emotions back. I think that we want to be loved, and when someone doesn't love us back, we do everything in our power to sort of MAKE them love us. So, eventually, after we are all drained and exhausted and simply cannot continue this lifestyle (maybe it clicks how unhealthy it is), we give up. I left, personally, thinking that if he thought he was really losing me instead of just being threatened with it, he would feel SOMETHING. Didn't really work. I think that it's human nature to want the one thing we cannot have. In your mind, his love and warmth is that very thing. But honey, you and I both would be miserable to once again chase after such emotionless men. Do you remember the hurt of that unrequited love? How you tried and tried and tried only to get nowhere? Guys like that are selfish, and will take and take as much as you will give, and every now and then you may get a smile. I don't know if they get some sick satisfaction from it or what, but girl, you CANNOT let him have any more of you. Soon there will be nothing left to give (as is the case with your latest bf).
8radient8 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 He took a lot away from you, and as repetitive as it may sound, you have got to find YOU again. It will probably take some time, but you are exhausted and almost a shell. I know, Hun, believe me. What sort of things did you enjoy BEFORE the relationship that you had to let go of for him? Find those things. Here's a simple one: I grew up listening to rock music. My ex HATED anything but rap and outright refused for me to be able to listen to what I wanted. After three years of HIS music, it felt fantastic to pull out some old CDs from my past. What I'm trying to say is, get back to YOU.
Author PoppyK Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Thank you so much for your reply. Is so good to know someone understands what it feels like; my friends, although lovely, don't really get it. You are definitely right about the nurturing aspect. It's funny how you say that you give and give and now every now and then you would get a flash of something - almost bait to keep you going. That is exactly what happened. I had said that I was finding it hard but when it was evident that I was (not eating etc) he would say things like "we can go on that weekend camping trip you wanted to go on soon" or " x and y might be inviting us over for dinner" which in retrospect I grasped on to like they were marriage proposals. He said to me that I ticked all the boxes and I was eveything he ever wanted. But that he would also never love me. I have recently got into cycling which keeps me going but everything I do is with a heavy heart, although like you say, I think back to that unrequited love feeling, knowing that everything Iwas doing was really in vain; a very lonely and sad time, in a way much worse than how I feel now. I hope you find that whatever you are doing works well and thank you for your time and advice.
Jingle14 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I can absolutely agree and empathise with everything you have said, I am in the exact same position and for a similar (although slightly longer by several months) period of time. I feel nothing but numbness, like I have turned the tap off on all feeling and put an icy brick wall around my heart. I don't feel excitement or happiness - although I do try and force myself - just this constant sadness and sorrow which is underneath everything I do (as you will see if you look up any of my other posts, in particular one I posted a couple of weeks ago about it being worse in sunny weather) even when I have a smile on my face and am laughing and joking. Tears of a Clown is a very true saying. I hope that by keeping busy with work, my son (the only time I feel anything remotely like happiness) and social life, currently supporting 2 friends through a break up and potential break up respectively. I can't talk to anyone now about how I feel, or mention 'his' name as they are all completely over it and long since bored senseless by it all. They all think I'm 'recoverd and over it'. I've even regressed recently and shed tears - even yesterday - and sometimes they strike from nowhere. All this Valentine's Day rubbish doesn't help (nor does it help that it's my birthday on that day). I am both sorrowful that I am not special to anyone (him) and appalled at the idea of being with anyone else. What's the answer though? I don't know, wish I did. But I will send you a hug as I know you will probably be in need of one.
Author PoppyK Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Your words are very kind and thoughtful, thank you. Hug much appreciated You are right about there not neccessarily being an answer; I try to keep busy, like you. I wonder why we torment ourselves about it so much; the dreams are the worst. I'm sorry you are also struggling; my friends are totally ex boyfriended out too so I just keep it to myself. I know I must have sounded like a broken record. I hope things get back on track for you too soon; hopefully with spring and summer approaching it will make it a bit better.
8radient8 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Really, I know that it gets easier over time to forget. But also, that stupid phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" stands true. There will be times I will think back to when we were together and completely forget how miserable I was, and remember small things like his stupid smug smile or (coincidently lol) those camping trips we took. He took such a huge part of you, and for whatever reason, he will still hold on to a piece of you. Maybe because he IS so selfish haha. I just had to tell myself that he had his own demons to work out, and that there was nothing I could do for him. He got a girlfriend the same time I got a new boyfriend, and I though for the longest time i was very jealous, i now know that girl has to be just as miserable as I was. Because no one can change anyone. They have to change themselves. Maybe they just keep a girl around so they don't have to wallow in their own self pity. It's easy to make a relationship last when you don't have to do a thing. I don't really know where I'm going with all of this rambling today lol, it's just nice to have other people who understand who you can vent to
8radient8 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 But dear, never say that you are not making progress. Because every day you wake up and do not give him the satisfaction of getting to see himself suck the life out of you is an improvement! Hold your head high, and if you do ever see him (which thankfully I moved to the other side of the state after the breakup), you play it as cool as possible. What is a tormenter, if he can't torment you ? Absolutely nothing, which is how he wanted you to feel like. Don't let him steal another day from you girl!!
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