was he a bad guy? i need you guys to knock my ex off his pedestal!

February 10, 2013

Ok, so I'm a nightmare - I can't help but put my ex on a pedestal - when we were together I didn't give him this much praise! But now that he's gone, he's become the perfect man I can't have.

So, I'm going to list the things I think make him not so perfect - but I need you guys to tell me if you think they're bad enough for me to get him off that pedestal - even though I know they are pretty bad, my mind does not listen!!

Here goes:

1. He would make me feel guilty if I didn't text him 30 times a day.

2. He would psycho-analyse me and tell me that I wasn't that great at relationships (just because I had been hurt before and told him this)

3. I found a girl's face wipes in his bathroom and he lied and said his sister had left them there and when I said I didn't believe him he confessed that a friend (girl) had crashed over in his bed - he slept on the sofa (apparently) - I gave him the benefit of the doubt at this point because he seemed so into me...

4. He wouldn't let me change the radio station in the car

5. If we had a row he would just leave and not really contact me for a couple of days

6. When he broke up with me he kept sleeping with me even though he knew deep down he didn't want me, but he would let me spill my heart out and hold me - then he'd sleep with me and I'd feel a little bit of hope...killer

7. The morning after we broke up he refused to drive me home even though I was in bits - finally he agreed to and didn't speak to me the whole 20 minute drive.

8. I found pictures of his exes on his computer

February 10, 2013

They all sound terrible apart from number 8. I still have pictures of exes in albums and on my computer. Its part of my life. Why shouldn't I keep it.

The rest though he's an a$$clown. You are well rid.

February 10, 2013

thanks Amelie - I probably should have clarified that and put 'naughty' pics of his exes - at least he could have hidden them!

February 10, 2013

1. He would make me feel guilty if I didn't text him 30 times a day.

2. He would psycho-analyse me and tell me that I wasn't that great at relationships (just because I had been hurt before and told him this)

3. I found a girl's face wipes in his bathroom and he lied and said his sister had left them there and when I said I didn't believe him he confessed that a friend (girl) had crashed over in his bed - he slept on the sofa (apparently) - I gave him the benefit of the doubt at this point because he seemed so into me...

4. He wouldn't let me change the radio station in the car

5. If we had a row he would just leave and not really contact me for a couple of days

6. When he broke up with me he kept sleeping with me even though he knew deep down he didn't want me, but he would let me spill my heart out and hold me - then he'd sleep with me and I'd feel a little bit of hope...killer

7. The morning after we broke up he refused to drive me home even though I was in bits - finally he agreed to and didn't speak to me the whole 20 minute drive.

8. I found pictures of his exes on his computer

I agree... all the acts of a total moron - although #6 is as much your fault as his.

I mean really, what you did was ludicrous. If you know he's a jerk - and you're broken up - you do NOT SLEEP WITH THE MAN!!!

#8... Meh... on its own, not big deal. Coupled with all of the above?

Yeah. He's a moron.

February 10, 2013

I agree... all the acts of a total moron - although #6 is as much your fault as his.

I mean really, what you did was ludicrous. If you know he's a jerk - and you're broken up - you do NOT SLEEP WITH THE MAN!!!

#8... Meh... on its own, not big deal. Coupled with all of the above?
Yeah. He's a moron.

I agree - no 6. - I knew I was being a fool and if a friend had been in the same situation I would have told them to run for the hills - but he said all the right things blah blah - stuff like "I still miss you, this is hard for me too, it's our RL that isn't working my feeling for you haven't changed" I was so broken that I clung to all of that thinking that he'd change his mind - but yes, you are right - thinking back now - ludicrous!

How did you get over your ex?

February 10, 2013

I shot him and threw his body into the river.

No Contact became much easier after that.

February 10, 2013

ha ha - sounds like a great way to solve the NC dilemma...

February 10, 2013

picture his pedestal like one of those boxing tubes. we are going to kick that sh.it right over.

1. He would make me feel guilty if I didn't text him 30 times a day.

what a clingy needy little weirdo. tell him to get a job as a traffic warden/parking attendant if he needs to validate things that frequently.

2. He would psycho-analyse me and tell me that I wasn't that great at relationships (just because I had been hurt before and told him this)

and who is he, oprah? if he has hurt you then he ain't exactly great at relationships.

3. I found a girl's face wipes in his bathroom and he lied and said his sister had left them there and when I said I didn't believe him he confessed that a friend (girl) had crashed over in his bed - he slept on the sofa (apparently) - I gave him the benefit of the doubt at this point because he seemed so into me...

niiiice. patronising and a cr.ap liar? lovely. does he teach that technique in his "great relationships 101" class by any chance?

4. He wouldn't let me change the radio station in the car

that's a Y chromosome thing. see also the TV remote. it still sucks though.

5. If we had a row he would just leave and not really contact me for a couple of days

sooo.... childish, drama queen, not in touch with his emotions, unable to admit he might be partly to blame, emotionally manipulative and a sulker. what a prince.

6. When he broke up with me he kept sleeping with me even though he knew deep down he didn't want me, but he would let me spill my heart out and hold me - then he'd sleep with me and I'd feel a little bit of hope...killer

so we can add "horny" and "selfish" to his list of attributes. his parents must be SO proud.

7. The morning after we broke up he refused to drive me home even though I was in bits - finally he agreed to and didn't speak to me the whole 20 minute drive.

see above, childish etc etc etc.

8. I found pictures of his exes on his computer

this depends on where. it's reasonable to keep nice photos, tbh. to have a creepy stalker file of his ex's in s.ex poses or something would be different.

if you listen carefully, you can hear a whooooosh. hear it?

that's the bullet that you just dodged...

February 10, 2013

Jerk.....dick.....frog face.......take a baseball bat to the pedestal........

February 10, 2013

picture his pedestal like one of those boxing tubes. we are going to kick that sh.it right over.

Thank you!!! You've made me laugh and feel better - even though I know he had major faults, my mind has been doing that thing were you think they were amazing etc and forget these things - I won't let that happen again!!

February 10, 2013

Jerk.....dick.....frog face.......take a baseball bat to the pedestal........

done! this has definitely helped me feel better!!

February 10, 2013

just know that you'll be knocking him right back down again soon.

we all do it. i forget that my ex was in therapy for 9 years, had issues in bed, was terribly depressed (the number of emails i got that said "i am struggling. everything is black. blah blah. why did i not counsel him just to end it all, eh?!), had mummy issues, girl issues, work issues, was socially retarded..... somehow in my head he's the most brilliant catch ever! urgh!

February 10, 2013

Ok, so I'm a nightmare - I can't help but put my ex on a pedestal - when we were together I didn't give him this much praise! But now that he's gone, he's become the perfect man I can't have.

So, I'm going to list the things I think make him not so perfect - but I need you guys to tell me if you think they're bad enough for me to get him off that pedestal - even though I know they are pretty bad, my mind does not listen!!

Here goes:

1. He would make me feel guilty if I didn't text him 30 times a day.

He sounds needy and constantly wanting your attention to feed ego and insecurity A narcisstic trait

2. He would psycho-analyse me and tell me that I wasn't that great at relationships (just because I had been hurt before and told him this)

He did not want to hear about your hurt and did not empathisize. A narcisstic trait.

3. I found a girl's face wipes in his bathroom and he lied and said his sister had left them there and when I said I didn't believe him he confessed that a friend (girl) had crashed over in his bed - he slept on the sofa (apparently) - I gave him the benefit of the doubt at this point because he seemed so into me...

He cheated and lied. Typical behavior of an Ahole.

4. He wouldn't let me change the radio station in the car

Selfish, does not care about your needs only his. A narcisstic trait

5. If we had a row he would just leave and not really contact me for a couple of days

Did not care about your hurt pain and did not want to discuss. He left so he can punish you since you were not giving him his narcisstic supply.

6. When he broke up with me he kept sleeping with me even though he knew deep down he didn't want me, but he would let me spill my heart out and hold me - then he'd sleep with me and I'd feel a little bit of hope...killer

Using you for his own selfish reasons, not caring about your feelings. Typical behavior of a narcissist.

7. The morning after we broke up he refused to drive me home even though I was in bits - finally he agreed to and didn't speak to me the whole 20 minute drive.

Selfish again, did not want to drive you because he didnt need you anymore, was not going to get anything out of driving you. Typical behaviour of a narcissist.

8. I found pictures of his exes on his computer
Collecting porn/nudes of his exes to remind himself how great he is and so others can admire him. yep, NARCISSIST

sounds like a narcissist

February 10, 2013

just know that you'll be knocking him right back down again soon.

we all do it. i forget that my ex was in therapy for 9 years, had issues in bed, was terribly depressed (the number of emails i got that said "i am struggling. everything is black. blah blah. why did i not counsel him just to end it all, eh?!), had mummy issues, girl issues, work issues, was socially retarded..... somehow in my head he's the most brilliant catch ever! urgh!

I know - why do we do it! sometimes I don't even recognise myself! if i heard these things from a friend I'd be able to see it all clearly - just need to take all of this advice and actually believe it!

February 10, 2013

Your are putting him on a pedestal because in the beginning of the relationship that is what narcissist do...they manipulate there way into your mind by posing as the most perfect, giving, loving individual..your knight in shining armor. So you have this memory in your head of who he is...but its not real. When you "found him out" he dumped you.

But you are holding on to this memory because it made you feel so great and now there is no hope of ever feeling that way again.

There is hope, hopefully.

February 10, 2013

sounds like a narcissist

I'd thought about this! I didn't know that much about narcissists - apart from the vain/need for attention thing - it all makes so much sense!

He also did this:

He would send me pictures of himself - naked/muscles on show/him in new clothes - wanted my opinion

He bought new clothes constantly, went to the gym all the time, sunbed once a week

He would talk about stuff he was interested in - for hours - but wouldn't really ask too many questions about what I was up to

If I went away on holiday without him (girls trip etc) he would have to go away at the same time

He is now on a dating site (he's 42) and is looking for girls aged 20 (!!!) to 36 - after telling me he'd have nothing in common with anyone under 28!!

Grrr - douchebag!

February 10, 2013

I'd thought about this! I didn't know that much about narcissists - apart from the vain/need for attention thing - it all makes so much sense!

He also did this:

He would send me pictures of himself - naked/muscles on show/him in new clothes - wanted my opinion
He was looking for flattery and compliments from his #1 narcissistic supplier

He bought new clothes constantly, went to the gym all the time, sunbed once a week

Omg, sunbed too, damn narcissist. I hate the term metrosexuals..more like narsexuals..

He would talk about stuff he was interested in - for hours - but wouldn't really ask too many questions about what I was up to

Yep, my gf did this!!!!, and I confronted her about it...and she would always look at me like she had no idea what I was talking about....there so deep into their narcissism that they have no idea how to listen to others.

If I went away on holiday without him (girls trip etc) he would have to go away at the same time

Narcissistic Jealousy - He wanted to act like he wasn't missing out on the party if he is having a party of his own

He is now on a dating site (he's 42) and is looking for girls aged 20 (!!!) to 36 - after telling me he'd have nothing in common with anyone under 28!!

Yeah, sounds like he wants a youngling to admire him.

Grrr - douchebag!

Douchebag is right!

February 11, 2013

Ah yes, the desire for what we cannot have is always the strongest.

You say you didn’t praise him much while you were together…why was that? Just not the way you naturally do things? Or he wasn’t quite so “perfect” back then so you didn’t notice the things you now appreciate about him because of the distance you now have in not being together anymore?

Meaning, you can appreciate the good aspects fully because you don’t have to be negatively affected by the not so good aspects. That combined with the natural tendency to want what you cannot have makes you feel like he’s on a pedestal now.

He seems, based on your points referring to his not so good points, to think of himself as a bit of a psychologist when it comes to you. (regarding your past relationships and the fact that he thought you were “not good” at relationships. Wow). He sounds controlling.

He wanted you to be more devoted (in terms of the number of texts you sent per day). More control stuff going on there. Guilt tripping.

I don’t know if he ever did cheat on you (the face wipe thing you mentioned), but he did lie and just because you thought he was “so into you” back then does not mean he couldn’t have been attracted to someone else and act on it.

He also seems immature and unable to cope with conflict and adult issues, with regard to him walking away and going silent after a fight. Not being allowed to change the radio station in the car? Control issues again.

In terms of him continuing to sleep with you after he broke up with you, well…he may care about you and let you down “easier” or something by doing this, or he may have just been behaving selfishly and wanted to keep having sex with someone he DID care about and enjoy being with, but he didn’t want the whole thing of a relationship. Either way, this is at best immature and misguided and at worst, selfish and cruel.

The morning he broke up with you he refused to drive you home. This is fairly heartless. Maybe he thought it’d be an unpleasant and awkward drive, and he’d of course be right. This fits with the thing I said above about how he seems to avoid conflict and is immature in that way.

Pictures of exes on his computer, eh? I wonder why that is. It may not mean much. I wonder if he now has YOUR picture on his computer.

Obviously he has good points or you wouldn’t have been with him in the first place and you wouldn’t be ABLE to place him on a pedestal at all, but…from what I can see, he was somewhat controlling and immature.

February 11, 2013

The only pics of ex's i have is naked pictures for my own entertainment. There is no real reason why one should keep pictures of ex's in their computer.

Why would I keep a pic of an ex that I am not attached to emotionally?

If I found the right girl, there would be no girls in my contact list let alone picture of ex's. I just haven't found anyone worth going that far for.

February 11, 2013

Douchebag is right!

You are brilliant! needed a bit of a wake up call - seems like you have some experience in this stuff - was your ex the same?

February 11, 2013

Ah yes, the desire for what we cannot have is always the strongest.

You say you didn’t praise him much while you were together…why was that? Just not the way you naturally do things? Or he wasn’t quite so “perfect” back then so you didn’t notice the things you now appreciate about him because of the distance you now have in not being together anymore?

Meaning, you can appreciate the good aspects fully because you don’t have to be negatively affected by the not so good aspects. That combined with the natural tendency to want what you cannot have makes you feel like he’s on a pedestal now.

He seems, based on your points referring to his not so good points, to think of himself as a bit of a psychologist when it comes to you. (regarding your past relationships and the fact that he thought you were “not good” at relationships. Wow). He sounds controlling.

He wanted you to be more devoted (in terms of the number of texts you sent per day). More control stuff going on there. Guilt tripping.

I don’t know if he ever did cheat on you (the face wipe thing you mentioned), but he did lie and just because you thought he was “so into you” back then does not mean he couldn’t have been attracted to someone else and act on it.

He also seems immature and unable to cope with conflict and adult issues, with regard to him walking away and going silent after a fight. Not being allowed to change the radio station in the car? Control issues again.

In terms of him continuing to sleep with you after he broke up with you, well…he may care about you and let you down “easier” or something by doing this, or he may have just been behaving selfishly and wanted to keep having sex with someone he DID care about and enjoy being with, but he didn’t want the whole thing of a relationship. Either way, this is at best immature and misguided and at worst, selfish and cruel.

The morning he broke up with you he refused to drive you home. This is fairly heartless. Maybe he thought it’d be an unpleasant and awkward drive, and he’d of course be right. This fits with the thing I said above about how he seems to avoid conflict and is immature in that way.

Pictures of exes on his computer, eh? I wonder why that is. It may not mean much. I wonder if he now has YOUR picture on his computer.

Obviously he has good points or you wouldn’t have been with him in the first place and you wouldn’t be ABLE to place him on a pedestal at all, but…from what I can see, he was somewhat controlling and immature.

Thanks for taking the time to respond in such detail - I really appreciate it - was having a bad day yesterday!

I did praise him - I mean I told him he looked good in certain clothes, told him I loved his beard, his body - lots of times - sometimes when he would send me a pic of him posing with his muscles out I would send back a jokey text like "Poser xx" but he didn;t like that. I think I told him he looked good more than he told me I guess.

I'm definitely seeing the good points (although that's changing) I met him a few months after my 12 yr RL had ended and he was completely the opposite of that ex - he was older, had his **** together and looked after me in many ways - I needed that and that's why I stayed with him - he wasn;t a complete a-hole - I mean he did some lovely things for me but alot of the time he made me feel guilty about things I did or didn;t do - stored them up and bought them up in rows weeks later.

He did try to analyse me and it actually got me believing that I was crap at RLs - he used to be a psychiatric nurse...he was def slightly controlling and could be very petty/mean - i.e. with the radio station thing.

I'm pretty sure he did cheat on me - that's prob because in his eyes I wasn't giving him enough attention etc.

I'm feeling better today - thanks to some good advice x

February 11, 2013

He is a human. He has good points and bad. Strengths and flaws. I'm sure there were some ways he was a wonderful person.

It isn't necessary to paint him as a bad guy in order to acknowledge that he wasn't the right guy for YOU.

YOU want a guy who doesn't keep naughty pics of his exes on his computer. Who shares his radio with you. Who is honest with you. Who communicates and deals with problems instead of running away when things get challenging.

You deserve someone who is all of those things. This guy isn't him.

So don't worry about defining him as good or bad - just keep moving forward.

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was he a bad guy? i need you guys to knock my ex off his pedestal!

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