Turning something casual into more. Experts lead me.

[AverageCat]

I have been seeing this girl for ~8 months now and from the beginning I made it clear that I didn't want anything serious. In fact we became close enough that we started sharing details of our lives like the people we were seeing, etc.

 

I honestly always thought that she was really into me... and so I started developing a stronger bond with her. She told me about other guys she was seeing and about this guy-friend that had been obsessed with her for ~8 years and they had hooked up (this was 6 months ago). But now he lives away. I didn't really pay too much attention.

 

One day she left her facebook open on my computer on the messages screen and I noticed this guy-friend was messaging her 24/7. Bf and gf kinda thing. He's telling her how she's gonna be his wife one day and she is jokingly telling him she wants to take a shower with him. All cheesy "doormat" kind of guy talk.

 

I also noticed that she likes the attention from these guys who are into her and a lot of times baits them into showing her more attention.

 

Lately we had a heart to heart talk and we both said how we were casual at the beginning and now things are developing a bit and she's happy we're on the same pace. When the convo started being about our "other people" she said that she would have probably gotten in a relationship with this "guy-friend" 6 months back if they didn't live away from each other, but she's also made it clear to him that when they see each other (once or twice a year), they can have fun and whatever, but nothing serious is gonna come out since he lives away.

 

I am honestly confused. Idk if to try to up the contact (and compete with this guy) or just keep doing my thing and **** her twice a week. (I am the only guy she's sleeping with right now)

 

She's pushing for us to do stuff together (hit the gym, grab food, go on a short road trip), but Idk if that is because she's bored (let's say my life is more fun and filled with adventures than hers), or because she's genuinely into me.... and I am honestly afraid to get more emotionally involved..

 

THANKS FOR THE LONG READ!

Edited February 10, 2013 by AverageCat

[Eternal Sunshine]

So you want more because you saw there is competition? Hmm

[AverageCat]

So you want more because you saw there is competition? Hmm

 

I swear not. I am just really reserved. So I grew feelings without ever telling her. Then this is probably what is making me take more action

[mesmerized]

I thinks she likes you more than a fwb too. Go for it.

[AverageCat]

I thinks she likes you more than a fwb too. Go for it.

 

I will. I just don't know how. Should I maintain my frame of "coolness" or should I up my contact. I sometimes feel like if I up my contact she will just see that I am so into her and lose interest.

[Archgirl]

I will. I just don't know how. Should I maintain my frame of "coolness" or should I up my contact. I sometimes feel like if I up my contact she will just see that I am so into her and lose interest.

 

Well if she does lose interest just because you show more , then shes hardly a keeper is she? Thus no great loss. Go for it!

I've said this somewhere else but the electronic realtionship thing with the other guy could just be getting romance/emotion/affection from someone else because you don't provide it coz you're just being a fb. I wouldn't worry about it too much if you want to have that side of things with her as it will probably stop if you start to fill those needs.

[AverageCat]

Well if she does lose interest just because you show more , then shes hardly a keeper is she? Thus no great loss. Go for it!

I've said this somewhere else but the electronic realtionship thing with the other guy could just be getting romance/emotion/affection from someone else because you don't provide it coz you're just being a fb. I wouldn't worry about it too much if you want to have that side of things with her as it will probably stop if you start to fill those needs.

 

Thanks! This is in the lines of what I am thinking.

However, I am feeling like it will just be too one sided.

 

I.e - we hung out wed and thur... had a really really good time both nights. And the mornings after I texted "Good Morning" (first time ever I do that with a girl), to show her that I care. we texted on and off throughout the days with 30mins-2 hr intervals btw txts. (whereas with this guy they answer each other promptly about how he's becoming fat and just ripped his jeans through.... LIKE WTFF?). Then 3rd day comes and I didn't txt her anymore. Nothing from her. Like Idk, sometimes I feel like Im just giving too much.

[velvetunderground]

Or maybe you're thinking too much. She might be sitting there on some other forum asking why you didn't text her today, and asking should she text you because she's worried about putting you off after you guys decided it was casual.

[AverageCat]

Or maybe you're thinking too much. She might be sitting there on some other forum asking why you didn't text her today, and asking should she text you because she's worried about putting you off after you guys decided it was casual.

 

I obviously think too much about this since I AM IN A ****ING FORUM TRYING TO TALK ABOUT IT.

 

Just can't get her off my head goddamn it.

[animalover]

 

One day she left her facebook open on my computer on the messages screen and I noticed this guy-friend was messaging her 24/7. Bf and gf kinda thing. He's telling her how she's gonna be his wife one day and she is jokingly telling him she wants to take a shower with him. All cheesy "doormat" kind of guy talk.

 

I also noticed that she likes the attention from these guys who are into her and a lot of times baits them into showing her more attention.

 

 

Do you really want to have something serious with this woman??? well guess who will become the next "dormat" kind of guy...

[Archgirl]

I obviously think too much about this since I AM IN A ****ING FORUM TRYING TO TALK ABOUT IT.

 

Just can't get her off my head goddamn it.

 

Yeah coz you're nuts about her

Only two ways to go: keep overthinking and doing nothing and staying nuts about her or man up and go after her and risk rejection (in which case you can just move on)

Get it together dude!

[AverageCat]

Yeah coz you're nuts about her

Only two ways to go: keep overthinking and doing nothing and staying nuts about her or man up and go after her and risk rejection (in which case you can just move on)

Get it together dude!

 

LOL I am going after her. But asking for anything serious right now would be a fools gambit.

 

I am just keeping building up the connection and opening up to her bit by bit.

[Archgirl]

LOL I am going after her. But asking for anything serious right now would be a fools gambit.

 

I am just keeping building up the connection and opening up to her bit by bit.

 

Fraidycat!

Nah sounds sensible, but be careful coz of the other dude giving her all the romance - you might have to up your game

[AverageCat]

Fraidycat!

Nah sounds sensible, but be careful coz of the other dude giving her all the romance - you might have to up your game

 

But that's the thing, I feel like I cant give her all the talk 24/7 that this guy does. IMO this guy has no life besides her. Spends every night texting with her (while she's at work bored). I have stuff to do. I can call her and text her here and there but that's it.

 

But I mean to my advantage I actually do stuff with her in person and I can do some romantic stuff

[velvetunderground]

But that's the thing, I feel like I cant give her all the talk 24/7 that this guy does. IMO this guy has no life besides her. Spends every night texting with her (while she's at work bored). I have stuff to do. I can call her and text her here and there but that's it.

 

But I mean to my advantage I actually do stuff with her in person and I can do some romantic stuff

 

IMO this will work to your advantage. Girls may like attention but if they feel some guy's putting them on a pedestal and turning her into his entire life she'll get bored pretty quick.

[animalover]

IMO this will work to your advantage. Girls may like attention but if they feel some guy's putting them on a pedestal and turning her into his entire life she'll get bored pretty quick.

 

I think it turns in her advantage... she has the best of the two worlds... nice deal!

[pteromom]

You like this girl. You are already sleeping with her, so you know she likes you.

 

Instead of playing games or worrying about this other dude, you need to be open with her and tell her the truth. Tell her that your feelings for her have grown, and you want to try having an exclusive relationship with her. Preferably with a romantic gesture - flowers, a piece of jewelry, a romantic restaurant. Make it special for her.

 

One of two things will happen. Either she'll light up and be all-in with you, or she'll balk and hem and haw. In which case, you decide whether you want to keep up the FWB thing or just walk away.

 

If you just hang back and don't let her know your true feelings, it won't be long before you watch her walk away with this other guy who is open and vulnerable with her. This is your opening - go for it.

[HitMeNow]

Lol I'm in the same boat kind of.

 

I am just positive and think things will fall into place. Take your time and show her your affection.

 

They say actions speak louder than words!

 

And yes don't worry if she's "talking" with some other guy. Think about this. If you could have a girl "all over you" with you not doing much effort, would you keep it up just to receive the attention and boost your confidence?

 

SHE IS SLEEPING WITH YOU. DONT FORGET THAT

[pbjbear]

You need to just flat out tell her.

 

My past FWB's did romantic, emotional stuff occasionally. I never read anything into it. One of them did like me as a girlfriend and I never really thought much of his actions looking back.

 

Its my personal belief a FWB cannot be trusted- they do whatever they can to get the sex. This includes feigning emotional interest. Guys are smart- they realize by feigning emotional interest they can get what they want from women. This happens all the time

 

I have had a few male friends doing FWB's purposefully act more interested in their FWB's wellbeing than they actually cared, because it led to more benefits (both sex and food-wise) for them.

[HitMeNow]

You need to just flat out tell her.

 

My past FWB's did romantic, emotional stuff occasionally. I never read anything into it. One of them did like me as a girlfriend and I never really thought much of his actions looking back.

 

Its my personal belief a FWB cannot be trusted- they do whatever they can to get the sex. This includes feigning emotional interest. Guys are smart- they realize by feigning emotional interest they can get what they want from women. This happens all the time

 

I have had a few male friends doing FWB's purposefully act more interested in their FWB's wellbeing than they actually cared, because it led to more benefits (both sex and food-wise) for them.

 

im sorry for your bad experience.. BUT no. this is not how all the FWB relationships work. Most of the time both are being honest with their gestures and the guy is usually the one who tries to not overly show interest and keep the aloofness in order to maintain it that way. FWBs DO NOT do romantic stuff for each other. That's the #1 rule of the relation.

 

Also the fact that FWB cannot be trusted... Idk, just get to know the person. Some people can be trusted some can't. Doesn't have to do with your relationship to them, btu rather their values.

 

Lastly, I ll say that you put it so negatively. You're saying guys would do anything for sex. But when you're a FWB they're already having sex with you (and the desire is mutual I assume), so they wouldn't have to do anything FOR YOU.

[AverageCat]

When you're together, and you're having some ordinary conversation, just look her in the eyes and don't say anything during some pregnant pause when she's maybe expecting you to say something. She'll probably say, 'What?'. Go over to her, hold her face gently in your hands, kiss her softly and meaningfully. Then look straight into her eyes and tell her that you tried to be cool about her, and tried to not let yourself care, but she's so incredible that you just melt inside when you're around her. Look straight into her eyes the whole time, hold her face gently. Be open and honest.

 

I'm sure every guy here, especially animalover, is going to scoff at this move, but you're not trying to get a guy, right?

 

We've had a lot of "meaningful" intimate moments. Stuff like me looking into her eyes. Holding her, cuddling her softly, etc.

 

Also we've talked a bit about US and how we're getting a bit serious. I've implied many times that my position right now is that: I care about her a WHOLE LOT but I am afraid to get emotionally attached too much.

 

And I plan on turning that bit by bit into: I care about you a WHOLE LOT and I am willing to invest all in you.

 

She honestly doesn't seem like "head over heels" fallen for me, (or else she would have asked me to be exclusive) but she's also very rigid so who knows.

[Archgirl]

When you're together, and you're having some ordinary conversation, just look her in the eyes and don't say anything during some pregnant pause when she's maybe expecting you to say something. She'll probably say, 'What?'. Go over to her, hold her face gently in your hands, kiss her softly and meaningfully. Then look straight into her eyes and tell her that you tried to be cool about her, and tried to not let yourself care, but she's so incredible that you just melt inside when you're around her. Look straight into her eyes the whole time, hold her face gently. Be open and honest.

 

I'm sure every guy here, especially animalover, is going to scoff at this move, but you're not trying to get a guy, right?

 

Oh.my.god!

I think I just fell in love!

Seriously do this Mr Charming-cat!

[pbjbear]

im sorry for your bad experience.. BUT no. this is not how all the FWB relationships work. Most of the time both are being honest with their gestures and the guy is usually the one who tries to not overly show interest and keep the aloofness in order to maintain it that way. FWBs DO NOT do romantic stuff for each other. That's the #1 rule of the relation.

 

Also the fact that FWB cannot be trusted... Idk, just get to know the person. Some people can be trusted some can't. Doesn't have to do with your relationship to them, btu rather their values.

 

Lastly, I ll say that you put it so negatively. You're saying guys would do anything for sex. But when you're a FWB they're already having sex with you (and the desire is mutual I assume), so they wouldn't have to do anything FOR YOU.

 

No, most FWB's do NOT lead to a relationship. Most end up with someone getting HURT. Just because you want something more from her, doesnt mean MOST MEN in this situation would. (Most men wouldnt...FWB's rarely lead to relationships)

 

My experiences were not bad. I had one want me as a girlfriend but I rejected him. I didnt have FWB's that I really liked- they were usually hot men with personalities I didnt like so I never got burned they just fizzled out

 

Yes FWB's involve situations with sex, but men will feign emotional interest to get more out of the situation without committing (emotional support, cooking and so on...) Also when the sex starts to wane down theyll act interested so it can start up again.

 

Look I had 3 guys FLAT OUT tell me they did this. I didnt need them to. I am observer of human nature and people will milk what they can without committing sometimes. None of these guys wanted to be with these girls either. Sorry if my experiences dont mesh with yours but I tell it how it is on here. Being realistic does not mean im negative

 

FWB's dont do affectionate stuff...maybe some dont. But certainly several I have seen between others and within my own personal experience, yes.

 

Look for kaylan's posts on here, he is a good example of a guy who is affectionate with a casual sex situation. Not all guys are like you

Edited February 12, 2013 by pbjbear

[HitMeNow]

No, most FWB's do NOT lead to a relationship. Most end up with someone getting HURT. Just because you want something more from her, doesnt mean MOST MEN in this situation would. (Most men wouldnt...FWB's rarely lead to relationships)

 

My experiences were not bad. I had one want me as a girlfriend but I rejected him. I didnt have FWB's that I really liked- they were usually hot men with personalities I didnt like so I never got burned they just fizzled out

 

Yes FWB's involve situations with sex, but men will feign emotional interest to get more out of the situation without committing (emotional support, cooking and so on...) Also when the sex starts to wane down theyll act interested so it can start up again.

 

Look I had 3 guys FLAT OUT tell me they did this. I didnt need them to. I am observer of human nature and people will milk what they can without committing sometimes. None of these guys wanted to be with these girls either. Sorry if my experiences dont mesh with yours but I tell it how it is on here. Being realistic does not mean im negative

 

FWB's dont do affectionate stuff...maybe some dont. But certainly several I have seen between others and within my own personal experience, yes.

 

Look for kaylan's posts on here, he is a good example of a guy who is affectionate with a casual sex situation. Not all guys are like you

 

I never said FWBs lead to relationships. I said frequent emotional intimacy + sleeping leads to one.

 

I think I have my **** down pretty well. AND - while you're obviously affectionate with a FWB, you never exceed certain boundaries. For example you never hang out with her more than once a week (or 10 days) and you never EVER call her, or txt her to ask her about her day.... AND obviously YOU NEVER EVER EVER take her out on a date.

 

Otherwise girls will usually start wanting more and say good-bye to your casual sex and you're gonna have to make an ALL or NOTHING decision..

 

And honestly you don't seem to have been with guys who're that great or smart. They admitted to pretty much lying to women to get in their pants..... Even if I did that, I would never admit it. It's like saying to a store owner... YE I shoplift all the time.... WTF?

 

Lastly what was the situation with the guy who wanted to get exclusive with you and you didn't want to? And why did you not want to?

[kaylan]

No, most FWB's do NOT lead to a relationship. Most end up with someone getting HURT. Just because you want something more from her, doesnt mean MOST MEN in this situation would. (Most men wouldnt...FWB's rarely lead to relationships)

 

My experiences were not bad. I had one want me as a girlfriend but I rejected him. I didnt have FWB's that I really liked- they were usually hot men with personalities I didnt like so I never got burned they just fizzled out

 

Yes FWB's involve situations with sex, but men will feign emotional interest to get more out of the situation without committing (emotional support, cooking and so on...) Also when the sex starts to wane down theyll act interested so it can start up again.

 

Look I had 3 guys FLAT OUT tell me they did this. I didnt need them to. I am observer of human nature and people will milk what they can without committing sometimes. None of these guys wanted to be with these girls either. Sorry if my experiences dont mesh with yours but I tell it how it is on here. Being realistic does not mean im negative

 

FWB's dont do affectionate stuff...maybe some dont. But certainly several I have seen between others and within my own personal experience, yes.

 

Look for kaylan's posts on here, he is a good example of a guy who is affectionate with a casual sex situation. Not all guys are like you

Haha, yep. I was the one who got hurt in my last situation. Lol no biggie though. I was kinda delusional about the whole thing when I look back at it. She seemed upset at things ending too, but she had her own things to figure out.

 

Sometime I feel she kinda used me as someone who she thought was hot but didnt really like me. Even though she acted all girlfriendy with me, and always told me how awesome I made her feel. In the end she wasnt over someone else...so I cant compete with that.

 

Oh and Im not a guy who feigns affection. There is an emotional aspect of sex for me. Even if Im just casually seeing someone whos not the most compatible with me, Im not gonna treat them badly or lie to them. I like to sleep with girls I like.

Edited February 12, 2013 by kaylan