Terminal-Ice Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I'm writing today to ask about how to deal with men who normally would *not* get a reply from me because all they say in their messages is, "How was your weekend?" or "How are you?" I don't even like these questions in real life because I really don't like telling people how my weekend went. Seriously, give me something funny or off the wall! (Before you interpret this as a crabby comment, realize that it is not. It is simply me knowing who I am...and please read on.) This weekend, two guys of average attractiveness--meaning, I can see how I could be *very* attracted to these guys given the right personality type--contacted me with very mundane messages: "How are you?" "How is your weekend going?" That's it. Hmmm...the one guy has a noble profession of modest means and has a hobby that is *very* important to me, because that hobby is a large part of who I am. My social life revolves around that hobby. He might be a good match. The other guy has an okay profession, most likely of modest means, in a field that I do not like, so any attempts on his part to further his education and find a new career would be wholeheartedly supported by me. So, we have two men who I find generally attractive who also could be very average, nice guys. I'm cool with that. I like average guys. However, I'm really wondering about their ability to keep up with me. I'm an introvert who *loves* quiet time and would totally eat up silent cuddling, but I also enjoy the occasional philosophical or scientific discussion. My profile has give plenty of men something to be curious about, but neither of these guys asked me anything. To the one, I replied, "It's going well," and left it at that. I know he read it, but he has not replied. Of course not! I didn't give him anything to work with, but he also put me in the same spot. I'm considering salvaging it, but that's why I'm here. I'm thinking about saying something like, "I'm curious: what about my profile got your attention? What are your thoughts?" To other, I have yet to reply. So, people of LoveShack.org, given the typical situation, how I am considering turning both of these instances into the atypical by replying, and given my needs, what do you suggest? Should I drop the ball? Or should I try to prompt them to give me something more? BTW, neither of their profiles really gives much information. They're both rather generic. As I said before, I normally wouldn't reply to the generic messages, nor would I be able to craft decent first messages give their profiles.
carhill Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I'm writing today to ask about how to deal with men who normally would *not* get a reply from me because all they say in their messages is, "How was your weekend?" or "How are you?" Welcome to LS Sounds like a 'canned' response. I would support your first instinct and move on to a person who offers a more personalized and insightful message. 1
FitChick Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 They are probably sending the same non-message to dozens of women, hoping for a hit. If you think one sounds promising, reply with questions of your own to elicit information you don't find on their profiles. 1
Casablanca Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Probably just a mass cut and paste message
phineas Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Because, as a man who has done OLD I can tell you crafting a personal message to each woman is a waste of time & energy because 9/10 times it goes ignored anyways. I can walk into a bar & say "hi" to a woman. Does she turn her back on me because I didn't address her like the unique special snowflake she believes herself to be? Not usually. Mostly because only online do I meet women who think they are unique special snowflakes even though their profile reads like every other profile on the site & If I approach a woman it's because she showed some interest in me. Online they are just the same basic profile with the same basic words only with a different picture. I've actually hung up my profile because I just get more women showing interest in me in person. 5
Author Terminal-Ice Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Because, as a man who has done OLD I can tell you crafting a personal message to each woman is a waste of time & energy because 9/10 times it goes ignored anyways. I can walk into a bar & say "hi" to a woman. Does she turn her back on me because I didn't address her like the unique special snowflake she believes herself to be? Not usually. Mostly because only online do I meet women who think they are unique special snowflakes even though their profile reads like every other profile on the site & If I approach a woman it's because she showed some interest in me. Online they are just the same basic profile with the same basic words only with a different picture. I've actually hung up my profile because I just get more women showing interest in me in person. To be fair, the one guy winked at me, so I simply winked back. I figured if he were really interested and had a paid account so he could really connect with me, he would. He did, but his message and his profile left nothing for me to work with. So, we both indicated that we were interested, now please try to recognize the issue and advise accordingly rather than comparing me to that "special snowflake" that I am not. I am no snowflake. Nor am I a princess. I think I proved that with the fact that I am here asking for advice. I'm not trying to rule guys out for stupid things. I also don't have the "same basic profile." The guys who I absolutely would not date who have sent me interesting messages have gotten replies from me. I even had a good conversation with an atheist simply because he wanted to tell me that I shouldn't rule out atheists. You know why? Because I value people, and I enjoy a good conversation. I am that woman who has conversations with all sorts of people about everything because I actually have a genuine interest in other people's experiences. Your response tells me that your interpretation of my post has more to do with your negative past experiences rather than what I actually said.
PhoenixRysing Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I sympathize with Phineas' response as I had the same experience reaching out to men online. My carefully thought out emails went largely ignored and it was frustrating to say the least. That said, in your particular circumstance, I found the same to be true in reverse. The men who only sent me "How are you?" type messages never turned into anything even when I replied back giving them something to work with. For instance, replying that I was well, expanding on something in their profile, and including something witty about our commonalities..."birds chirping" zero response. My experience were that these guys were never all that interested in the first place and their half-hearted emails were just symptomatic. I actually gave up on OLD because I got no responses, "wassup" emails, and waisted a ton of time texting folks who never really wanted to get together. I don't understand this mentality at all and found it to be disheartening. If you do have interest, it's worth a shot a commenting on the hobbies and such, but I would not invest overly as from my experience the "how are you doing" guys won't go much farther than that. Good luck. 1
superb Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I'm not a fan of generic messages like that either. I usually ignore them. I'd like to hear from someone who has something to say, of value...or a joke...something original.
Casablanca Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Because, as a man who has done OLD I can tell you crafting a personal message to each woman is a waste of time & energy because 9/10 times it goes ignored anyways. I can walk into a bar & say "hi" to a woman. Does she turn her back on me because I didn't address her like the unique special snowflake she believes herself to be? Not usually. Mostly because only online do I meet women who think they are unique special snowflakes even though their profile reads like every other profile on the site & If I approach a woman it's because she showed some interest in me. It doesnt take that long to craft a personal message, it should be short, but show that you not only read their profile, but that you two have some sort of shared interest as well. A decent amount don't get returned, but it doesn't take too long to craft the message. I get better response than 10%. I'd say closer to 40%, but I don't message people who we don't have any common interest. A cute girl mentions she loves fishing, camping and hunting, I'm okay with the first two, but don't want to do it but once or twice a year. So I don't message her, I'm more of a city guy. Also, you're comparing approaching a women who has given you a sign of interest, perhaps a lot of looking your way, smiling, etc to basically a cold approach where you haven't gotten any sign of interest. Apples and oranges. Also women get probably at least 30 messages a day, so if yours doesnt stand out, its going to fall through the cracks. Show her you're above the rest and are unique.
Author Terminal-Ice Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Are there any women here who actually get 30 messages per day on Match or OKCupid? I don't. No, I'm not ugly. I might get one message per day, and views and messages might go up a bit if I update my profile. For example, on OK, I got: * Feb 8 - 0 * Feb 9 - 2 (+1 reply to an initial msg I sent) * Feb 10 - 1 (+1 from a guy who I exchanged msgs with a couple of weeks ago who is *not* for me, but he really, really wants to go out with me--he was just checking in) I'm averaging one unsolicited message per day. Match is less so. Most of the guys who message me have actually read my profile and are possible matches. This really leaves me asking where the 30 msgs comes from. I think there's more to it than a pretty face. Perhaps lack of substance draws more emails?
Casablanca Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Are there any women here who actually get 30 messages per day on Match or OKCupid? I don't. No, I'm not ugly. I might get one message per day, and views and messages might go up a bit if I update my profile. For example, on OK, I got: * Feb 8 - 0 * Feb 9 - 2 (+1 reply to an initial msg I sent) * Feb 10 - 1 (+1 from a guy who I exchanged msgs with a couple of weeks ago who is *not* for me, but he really, really wants to go out with me--he was just checking in) I'm averaging one unsolicited message per day. Match is less so. Most of the guys who message me have actually read my profile and are possible matches. This really leaves me asking where the 30 msgs comes from. I think there's more to it than a pretty face. Perhaps lack of substance draws more emails? I just threw a number out there, but I've heard numbers like that before. I guess it varies on the area too....people around NYC will get more messages than people say in Cleveland
PhoenixRysing Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 (edited) Are there any women here who actually get 30 messages per day on Match or OKCupid? I don't. No, I'm not ugly. I might get one message per day, and views and messages might go up a bit if I update my profile. For example, on OK, I got: * Feb 8 - 0 * Feb 9 - 2 (+1 reply to an initial msg I sent) * Feb 10 - 1 (+1 from a guy who I exchanged msgs with a couple of weeks ago who is *not* for me, but he really, really wants to go out with me--he was just checking in) I'm averaging one unsolicited message per day. Match is less so. Most of the guys who message me have actually read my profile and are possible matches. This really leaves me asking where the 30 msgs comes from. I think there's more to it than a pretty face. Perhaps lack of substance draws more emails? Actually you are getting even more than me. I average maybe one to three contacts a week...and that's only if I include the "Sup" and "Hey prty girl" messages. If you're talking substance, where a guy actually took the time to read my profile and comment substantively, maybe 2 a month. Of those, most are people well outside my desired specifications (for instance 65 years old with two generations below him) who want to convince me that "even though they are nothing like the man I am looking for, I should go out with them." And before someone accuses me of waiting for men to contact me - I make it a point to reach out to 2-3 men a week via email or at least comments on their photos. So far, not one of my initial contacts has resulted in a response. ETA - this is my experience on Match. It was worse on Eharmony. Of course I am an agnostic in the South...I think there were 6 men within 50 miles... Edited February 10, 2013 by PhoenixRysing
Author Terminal-Ice Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 I just threw a number out there, but I've heard numbers like that before. I guess it varies on the area too....people around NYC will get more messages than people say in Cleveland Good point. I'm in the Detroit Area. I'm sure you all are familiar with our population issue over the past 10 years. ;-) I had to ask because I'm always reading about how women are getting tons of messages per day, but I need to remember that a lot of these writers are from NY and LA. Totally different situation.
Author Terminal-Ice Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Actually you are getting even more than me. I average maybe one to three contacts a week...and that's only if I include the "Sup" and "Hey prty girl" messages. If you're talking substance, where a guy actually took the time to read my profile and comment substantively, maybe 2 a month. Of those, most are people well outside my desired specifications (for instance 65 years old with two generations below him) who want to convince me that "even though they are nothing like the man I am looking for, I should go out with them." And before someone accuses me of waiting for men to contact me - I make it a point to reach out to 2-3 men a week via email or at least comments on their photos. So far, not one of my initial contacts has resulted in a response. ETA - this is my experience on Match. It was worse on Eharmony. Of course I am an agnostic in the South...I think there were 6 men within 50 miles... Agnostic...you would do well here. I was thinking about eHarmony, but I heard not-so-good things about it. It's a shame, because I wouldn't mind trying something new after my three months of Match just to switch it up. OKCupid, I thought, was a dry well after a few weeks, but it surprised me yet again. I'm meeting someone on Thursday.
PhoenixRysing Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Agnostic...you would do well here. I was thinking about eHarmony, but I heard not-so-good things about it. It's a shame, because I wouldn't mind trying something new after my three months of Match just to switch it up. OKCupid, I thought, was a dry well after a few weeks, but it surprised me yet again. I'm meeting someone on Thursday. Eharmony was not a good experience for me, several of the men I met on there had commitment issues - so severe it was evident by the end of the first date. One was completely open about not being ready to date anyone seriously due to a recent divorce (after I drove an hour to meet him) and another broke out the crazy on me when I had to cancel a phone conversation due to strep throat. He panicked and thought I was ditching him and sent me a a wall of texts about how I should be more honest if I wasn't interested. I actually was interested until he questioned my integrity rather than sending me a get well wish. I do think if I were Christian my pool would have been larger. You can't search on there and you have to wait for them to match you. After the first three weeks I literally was getting sent maybe one or two matches a week. Too be fair, it is hard to get to our age without some baggage, but I am starting to question if OLD has a uniquely high number of those who are oddly turned.
phineas Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I sympathize with Phineas' response as I had the same experience reaching out to men online. My carefully thought out emails went largely ignored and it was frustrating to say the least. That said, in your particular circumstance, I found the same to be true in reverse. The men who only sent me "How are you?" type messages never turned into anything even when I replied back giving them something to work with. For instance, replying that I was well, expanding on something in their profile, and including something witty about our commonalities..."birds chirping" zero response. My experience were that these guys were never all that interested in the first place and their half-hearted emails were just symptomatic. I actually gave up on OLD because I got no responses, "wassup" emails, and waisted a ton of time texting folks who never really wanted to get together. I don't understand this mentality at all and found it to be disheartening. If you do have interest, it's worth a shot a commenting on the hobbies and such, but I would not invest overly as from my experience the "how are you doing" guys won't go much farther than that. Good luck. My experience also. Women contacting me then disappearing. Women who just wanted to forever text. I'd ask them when their free & they would just stop responding then the next morning text "have a nice day" REALLY?!?! Are you fricken retarded? I asked for your availability & you wait a day then text me something completely unrelated?!?! Ain't nobody got time for that.
phineas Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 It doesnt take that long to craft a personal message, it should be short, but show that you not only read their profile, but that you two have some sort of shared interest as well. A decent amount don't get returned, but it doesn't take too long to craft the message. I get better response than 10%. I'd say closer to 40%, but I don't message people who we don't have any common interest. A cute girl mentions she loves fishing, camping and hunting, I'm okay with the first two, but don't want to do it but once or twice a year. So I don't message her, I'm more of a city guy. Also, you're comparing approaching a women who has given you a sign of interest, perhaps a lot of looking your way, smiling, etc to basically a cold approach where you haven't gotten any sign of interest. Apples and oranges. Also women get probably at least 30 messages a day, so if yours doesnt stand out, its going to fall through the cracks. Show her you're above the rest and are unique. Dude. I sent 30 messages highlighting common interests & mentioning something in their profile my first 2 weeks on the site. ZERO response. Guess what, when only 1 out 10 women actually get back to you and that is just getting back to you. May not go anywhere. It becomes a huge investment in time for very little return. So I just sent out a generic copy paste to 10 women at a time. And my point to real vs. OLD was that real life works better for most men since women on OLD are very picky.
phineas Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 To be fair, the one guy winked at me, so I simply winked back. I figured if he were really interested and had a paid account so he could really connect with me, he would. He did, but his message and his profile left nothing for me to work with. So, we both indicated that we were interested, now please try to recognize the issue and advise accordingly rather than comparing me to that "special snowflake" that I am not. I am no snowflake. Nor am I a princess. I think I proved that with the fact that I am here asking for advice. I'm not trying to rule guys out for stupid things. I also don't have the "same basic profile." The guys who I absolutely would not date who have sent me interesting messages have gotten replies from me. I even had a good conversation with an atheist simply because he wanted to tell me that I shouldn't rule out atheists. You know why? Because I value people, and I enjoy a good conversation. I am that woman who has conversations with all sorts of people about everything because I actually have a genuine interest in other people's experiences. Your response tells me that your interpretation of my post has more to do with your negative past experiences rather than what I actually said. You opened your post with this: "I'm writing today to ask about how to deal with men who normally would *not* get a reply from me because all they say in their messages is, "How was your weekend?" or "How are you?" I don't even like these questions in real life because I really don't like telling people how my weekend went. Seriously, give me something funny or off the wall! (Before you interpret this as a crabby comment, realize that it is not. It is simply me knowing who I am...and please read on.) This weekend, two guys of average attractiveness--meaning, I can see how I could be *very* attracted to these guys given the right personality type--contacted me with very mundane messages: "How are you?" "How is your weekend going?" That's it." I'm an average guy. This is how the majority of women view us on these sites. I'm willing to bet if an above average looking guy messaged you "what's up" you'd respond & wouldn't even complain about it.
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 One thing I have noticed about all the men I have dated. They are creative and entertaining via text. I hate those bland generic "How was your day?" Boringggggggg. I think that is why I love my boyfriend so much, he takes a simple "how was work?" and transforms it to "Hey pretty face! Hustling that money like the player you are?" Much better! It gives the opportunity for fun banter rather than the "It is going ok."
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 On dating sites, I can honestly say I ignore the "how are you?" questions right off the bat no matter how attractive you are. Be clever, make me giggle, give me a reason why I should read yours out of the hundreds of messages I get. 1
Author Terminal-Ice Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 I'm an average guy. This is how the majority of women view us on these sites. I'm willing to bet if an above average looking guy messaged you "what's up" you'd respond & wouldn't even complain about it. I said that I like average guys. Seriously, what's so hard about this? I think that the one average guy in particular might have potential, but his inability to communicate tells me he does not. That is my major concern. An "above average" guy did do the same thing and I *did not* reply to him. Why? Because I read his profile and he didn't seem right. Go figure. You are assuming that I'm just another shallow woman. I started this thread because I've obviously wondered about the whole "move on" principle when guys send super simple messages. My question is, WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE? You've failed to deliver. Seriously, do you have good advice. Is this guy just fishing for confidence-building replies, or is he actually interested and needs help breaking out of his shell? I've been messaged by guys who were actually interested, and they had a lot more to say than, "How are you?" I came here for advice. Don't give me crap for not fitting into your ideal. Steer me in the right direction! BTW, you're not the only one who has taken the time to craft good emails only to have a very poor return. It happens to all of us. Yes, it's frustrating when I don't get replies from guys who say things that I've often said myself, but such is life in OLD. 1
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 My advice is give the benefit of the doubt (looks like you did) and see if he gets the ball rolling with more in depth convo! If he doesn't it's on to the next one. SOOO MANNNNY women totally miss the boat with OLD. Many want well thought, personalized emails and will ignore ice breakers and call them "bulk" or "spam". Sure an ambiguous amount will be but don't tell me there's no chance a guy who sends better emails won't hit and quit! If you want to be swept off your feet by correspondence join a romance writing club. 1
phineas Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 I said that I like average guys. Seriously, what's so hard about this? I think that the one average guy in particular might have potential, but his inability to communicate tells me he does not. That is my major concern. An "above average" guy did do the same thing and I *did not* reply to him. Why? Because I read his profile and he didn't seem right. Go figure. You are assuming that I'm just another shallow woman. I started this thread because I've obviously wondered about the whole "move on" principle when guys send super simple messages. My question is, WHAT IS YOUR ADVICE? You've failed to deliver. Seriously, do you have good advice. Is this guy just fishing for confidence-building replies, or is he actually interested and needs help breaking out of his shell? I've been messaged by guys who were actually interested, and they had a lot more to say than, "How are you?" I came here for advice. Don't give me crap for not fitting into your ideal. Steer me in the right direction! BTW, you're not the only one who has taken the time to craft good emails only to have a very poor return. It happens to all of us. Yes, it's frustrating when I don't get replies from guys who say things that I've often said myself, but such is life in OLD. You need me to tell you to ask them for their number if you like their profile or their picture when they contact you? Seriously? Maybe you should stop looking for reasons to disqualify guys who contact you and meet them in person or at least talk to them on the phone so you can see what they are really like. You can't get an idea of someone's personality from messaging. Not when they can take a day to come up with something witty to say.
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