Is it time to tell the kids?

[ComingInHot]

Hey all*

So a while back I posted about my friend cheating on her husband and w/your Amazing support, I was able to address the issue w/her head on, stay true to myself and not turn a blind eye to "keep" the friendship.

 

This is next chapter: help please

 

So my son is an early teen and REALLY good friends w/my friends son. They play on-line games (remember we moved a ways away so they don't see each other often), talk on the phone etc.

Well my son has tried to reach this kid but he has been M.I.A. I am sure this boy really doesn't want to talk to anyone right now and he's beginning to struggle at school.

 

So, I was hoping that the two of them would talk and this boy would just tell my son but at this stage nothing has happened.

 

QUESTION: Would it be best for Me to sit my son down and tell him about his friend's parents deciding to D? I feel like if he finds out after the fact, he may think I tried to "hide" it from him... and I think he should have a few "tools" on how to deal/talk t his buddy when they finally Do reach each other.

 

Or, do I just wait & talk to him about it when he finds out?

[Darth Vader]

Hey all*

So a while back I posted about my friend cheating on her husband and w/your Amazing support, I was able to address the issue w/her head on, stay true to myself and not turn a blind eye to "keep" the friendship.

 

This is next chapter: help please

 

So my son is an early teen and REALLY good friends w/my friends son. They play on-line games (remember we moved a ways away so they don't see each other often), talk on the phone etc.

Well my son has tried to reach this kid but he has been M.I.A. I am sure this boy really doesn't want to talk to anyone right now and he's beginning to struggle at school.

 

So, I was hoping that the two of them would talk and this boy would just tell my son but at this stage nothing has happened.

 

QUESTION: Would it be best for Me to sit my son down and tell him about his friend's parents deciding to D? I feel like if he finds out after the fact, he may think I tried to "hide" it from him... and I think he should have a few "tools" on how to deal/talk t his buddy when they finally Do reach each other.

 

Or, do I just wait & talk to him about it when he finds out?

 

I think it may be time to inform your son about his friend's family situation about the possible Divorcing of his friend's parents and the fact you didn't want to risk having the friend find out from elsewhere other than his parents. Of course I wouldn't tell him of the affair his mother's having. However, inform your son to not talk to his friend about the Divorce to his friend, but to let his friend say something about it to him first.

 

I also want to say, chances are your friends son already knows of the D by now.

 

You're doing great!

[BetrayedH]

I don't see any reason not to be proactive with your son.

 

How much of the reason for the divorce you want to share is probably the bigger question. I'm not sure you would want the affair exposed to your friend's son via your son.

 

But letting your son know that his friend is likely struggling because of his parents' pending divorce would probably be a good thing so that he can be more prepared to be supportive. As well, you might be able to better guide your son on how to do it. Perhaps there are some good life lessons you can teach here. Again, I think the big question is about how far you want that conversation to go. It could be a big opportunity or it could be a big, "Oops."

[ComingInHot]

I thought I would tell what he needs to know. Friend's parents are getting a D.

 

Darth & BetrayedH, I am in agreement that there is No reason to disclose the A. I see only ugliness coming from that.

 

My son WILL ask "why". I thought I would just say it's none of our business as to the why of the D, just that it is happening and here are some ways (including not bringing it up to said friend) as to how to move forward w/the info. while being supportive.

 

As for my younger daughter, I really don't think I need say anything. The only reason he'd possibly bring it up is if We were visiting them & se asked where he (the father) is. And honestly, we won't be visiting for a long while*

 

This is god then, right?.?..

[BetrayedH]

I think you're on target. I don't know if I'd specifically say to your son not to bring it up first. I think he could consider being proactive in reaching out as a supportive friend. Maybe your son's friend could use someone that says, "Hey, I know things are tough for you right now. I'm here if you need to talk."

 

I'd recommend talking thru those kinds of scenarios with your son and try to help him determine the best way to support his friend.

[ComingInHot]

MFH;

I see what you're saying. Let me give a bit more information then let me know if your opinion stands

 

Facts about the husband:

- He is EXTREMELY un-motivated

-won't go back to school to learn something to help financially w/family

-drinks excessively

-smokes illegal substance Not for medicinal purposes

-doesn't fufill when it comes to sexual intimacy (no reason to cheat though!)

 

Facts about wife:

-Very motivated

-hard working

-hard playing

-selfish

-Social

-craves physical intimacy

 

These are mainly the qualities that have lead to wife wanting D.

 

I'm leaving out her A ONLY for your retrospection in telling my son what reasons for D. I am having difficulty saying the above listed reasons because I don't like speaking badly of anyone. That's just me.*

 

I am not sure that the A is the main reason for the D. I tend to believe her when she told me she had already made the decision to D then immediately began behaving as if she were "available". The A started and is now giving her a "soft landing" in her own mind.

It sickens me w/regards to her callousness and it is TOTALY WRONG& inappropriate. However, I can't say for sure that it IS the reason for the D.

 

Okay, so what do you think? Same thing?*

[jwi71]

Hey all*

So a while back I posted about my friend cheating on her husband and w/your Amazing support, I was able to address the issue w/her head on, stay true to myself and not turn a blind eye to "keep" the friendship.

 

This is next chapter: help please

 

So my son is an early teen and REALLY good friends w/my friends son. They play on-line games (remember we moved a ways away so they don't see each other often), talk on the phone etc.

Well my son has tried to reach this kid but he has been M.I.A. I am sure this boy really doesn't want to talk to anyone right now and he's beginning to struggle at school.

 

So, I was hoping that the two of them would talk and this boy would just tell my son but at this stage nothing has happened.

 

QUESTION: Would it be best for Me to sit my son down and tell him about his friend's parents deciding to D? I feel like if he finds out after the fact, he may think I tried to "hide" it from him... and I think he should have a few "tools" on how to deal/talk t his buddy when they finally Do reach each other.

 

Or, do I just wait & talk to him about it when he finds out?

 

I wouldn't tell your son anything.

 

He is 13 or 14 and its time for him to start learning the life isn't always easy or nice or clean - it can get messy and sometimes for reasons one had nothing to do with or control over.

 

I would sit back and let your son learn, process and handle this on his own. If he wants help or advice - he can ask you.

 

The biggest fear is really your son broaching this and the other boy not wanting it known (to your son). If the other boy wants to talk about it with your son let the other boy decide. Not YOU.

 

Its how I would handle it.

[whichwayisup]

Hey all*

So a while back I posted about my friend cheating on her husband and w/your Amazing support, I was able to address the issue w/her head on, stay true to myself and not turn a blind eye to "keep" the friendship.

 

This is next chapter: help please

 

So my son is an early teen and REALLY good friends w/my friends son. They play on-line games (remember we moved a ways away so they don't see each other often), talk on the phone etc.

Well my son has tried to reach this kid but he has been M.I.A. I am sure this boy really doesn't want to talk to anyone right now and he's beginning to struggle at school.

 

So, I was hoping that the two of them would talk and this boy would just tell my son but at this stage nothing has happened.

 

QUESTION: Would it be best for Me to sit my son down and tell him about his friend's parents deciding to D? I feel like if he finds out after the fact, he may think I tried to "hide" it from him... and I think he should have a few "tools" on how to deal/talk t his buddy when they finally Do reach each other.

 

Or, do I just wait & talk to him about it when he finds out?

 

Don't get involved. I know you're trying to do a good thing but if your sons friend hasn't approached him to talk about this, let it go. You don't owe your son the truth about this as it's not his business to know about his friends parents and their personal life. Maybe the friend won't talk, maybe he just wants to be left alone, that is if he knows about his own parents..

[whichwayisup]

The biggest fear is really your son broaching this and the other boy not wanting it known (to your son). If the other boy wants to talk about it with your son let the other boy decide.

 

Also, if these kids are barely teens, 13 or 14, they probably don't 'talk' about stuff like that anyway. Most teen boys aren't really into discussing how they feel and opening up.

 

What you can do, just thought of this, talk to your friend and ask her what she thinks? Better she on board with you talking to your son about this than not.

[skylarblue]

Has your son mentioned the change/MIA of his friend?

 

If you feel it's necessary to inform him (I see no harm in doing so), I would only mention the D not the reason. If he asks why just say something like "because sometimes couples go through problems that they can't seem to work out so they decide the best thing to do is D. It's an emotional time and the reasons and factors behind the decision is usually very personal and private between the couple. We must both try to understand and be respectful that. Your father and me as (names) friends and you as (name) friend."

 

On the issue of your son bringing it up to his friend first, I would not advise of that. To continue convo from the above "Keeping that in mind, I don't it's a good idea for you to mention that you know of the D to your friend. I know you might want to help him as his friend, but again you must try to respect and understand that he is dealing with a very difficult and personal situation. I'm only telling you about the D because I could see your confusion over what's been happening, and I just wanted you to know what the problem may be. You're a good friend. Just let him know and remind him that you're his friend. It seems like something is bothering him and you're concerned and just want to help him. If he ever wants to talk about it, you're there. Just give him some time right now to deal, and don't take it personally."

 

I would also tell my son to keep engaging in the friendship even though his friend has been unresponsive to his attempts. You never know how much that may help someone. At some point his friend may feel totally alone and desperate to reach out to someone, and your son might become that only hand that's trusted to reached out to just because of it.

[Steen719]

My son was 20 and he did not tell his friends for quite a while. That was his decision. I don't see any reason to tell your son. Let the other boy tell him when he wants. It is not for you to tell the other family's business.

 

I say don't ever tell someone something (even a child) that you don't want known. It just happens.

 

My 2 cents.

[ComingInHot]

Thank you for all te replies ! All Very good points.

My son is a devoted friend and will keep reaching out. As a matter of fact they spoke last night. Nothing of the D came up.

 

I will think about and pray about All the responses.

 

Funny how as a parent I so easily want to jump in even when there is no need. There Are many things that kids need to learn on their own. It's knowing which things that gives me a headache*

 

I always thought I'd be the coolest most laid back Mom.

 

I'm so not.

[skylarblue]

If your son and he have resumed talking, I would not bring it up. I would only consider mentioning it if your son comes to you or you see he is really confused or affected by it.

 

Come to think of it, you wouldn't even have to say D. If the conversation felt needed, you could just say dealing with a "private issue/matter" instead of bringing up D at all.

[Act Two]

I like the idea of telling your son so that he can lend support, but really it's no one's business as to WHY the parents are getting divorced, including your kids.

 

I think a good lesson from that would be the only two people who really know what goes on in a marriage are the two people in the marriage. Why they are actually getting divorced is still speculation on your part so if it were me I wouldn't feel comfortable offering up speculations to my child.

 

I think it's fantastic though to prepare him to be a good and supportive friend.

[angie2443]

I like the idea of telling your son so that he can lend support, but really it's no one's business as to WHY the parents are getting divorced, including your kids.

 

.

 

The problem I see here is that while we can say it's no ones business, the divorce is going to turn some lives upside down, and I'm not talking about the parents here. The truth is, IMO, if someone's actions affect your life, there actions become your business. I guess the differance here is that it is the parents of the son's friend who are getting divorced, not OP's son. I would say to talk to him about it. I say this because children (teens included) do much better when they have an adult helping them to understand some of the more painful or tramatic events in life. I believe kids know a lot more of what goes on than many adults give them credit for. At the same time, the boy who is more directly effected here, may want the matter kept private. Still I don't think things like this stay private for long. It is a hard choice.

[Act Two]

The problem I see here is that while we can say it's no ones business, the divorce is going to turn some lives upside down, and I'm not talking about the parents here. The truth is, IMO, if someone's actions affect your life, there actions become your business. I guess the differance here is that it is the parents of the son's friend who are getting divorced, not OP's son. I would say to talk to him about it. I say this because children (teens included) do much better when they have an adult helping them to understand some of the more painful or tramatic events in life. I believe kids know a lot more of what goes on than many adults give them credit for. At the same time, the boy who is more directly effected here, may want the matter kept private. Still I don't think things like this stay private for long. It is a hard choice.

 

Right, but we are not talking about the children of the parents getting divorced here, we are talking about OP's son knowing why the parents are getting divorced.

 

IMO, it's not really his business even if it affects his friend. This relationship in particular seems a little complicated.

 

If you would want to explain that the woman had an affair, while reprehensible, are you going to go into all of the reasons why she wanted to divorce her husband including financial irresponsibility, drug abuse, sexual issues etc.?

 

That seems awfully ugly and messy to explain to a teenager not living in the home.