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why do we still want to be nice to people that are horrible to us

calgary

By calgary
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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calgary Established Member

calgary

Posted
Posted

reading through some threads on this website.. I see so many people trying their hardest to get back together with somebody who is absolutely awful to them.

 

it's like you're begging for their approval.. they don't care about you at all.

 

it's horrible to see how much love a lot of people on here have for their ex's only to see / read that their ex's are taking advantage of their kindness and walking all over them.

 

I'm in the same boat and I can't understand why I still care about this person.

 

I just don't understand how some people can just switch off and stop caring about their ex instantly.. go out partying every night seeing other people and never even calling / texting them again..

 

I find it so weird that that's normal. I think things are a little different with my own situation.. but from what I've read.. people are willing to take back partners who already have new partners, who use them, who are basically having the best of both worlds right now.

 

it's awful to see and I can't understand how people can just laugh at you and destroy you / take advantage of you.. because you care about them and love them so much.. it's probably the nastiest thing on the planet.

KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
Posted (edited)

That's just it. It's the approval factor. No one likes having their ego smashed into pieces. No one likes to be thrown out like garbage.

 

People who are insecure and people who lack confidence and love for themselves ALWAYS run back to those who treat them like crap. They want to be told they're worth more, they want to be shown love, affection, and they will accept whatever little scraps of acceptance from the person they love. To be thrown out says, "Something's wrong with you!" They want to know that there is nothing wrong with them.

 

Women who have boundaries, confidence, who love themselves, would NEVER beg to be with someone who treats them so horribly. Too many people run to another for validation. For love. If everyone could just grasp the fact that all of those things come from WITHIN and that we don't need the opinion or approval of others in order to be worth something, the better off the world will be.

Edited by KatZee
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Amelie1980 Established Member

Amelie1980

Posted
Posted

In my case I was with him for nearly a year and he was sweet, gentle, kind etc.

He went though a lot, illness job loss etc which took its toll on him.

 

He went psycho at the end of the relationship. So it was one hell of a shock for me. I still long for the lovely guy I went out with all that time. it isn't as if I'm yearning for someone who treated me like dirt throughout the relationship.

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KatZee Established Member

KatZee

Posted
Posted
it isn't as if I'm yearning for someone who treated me like dirt throughout the relationship.

 

Then this question doesn't pertain to you. It's for those who still want to be with those who aren't good to us. I would assume lying, disrespect, cheating, jerking around with us emotionally, etc etc.

morichu Established Member

morichu

Posted
Posted
That's just it. It's the approval factor. No one likes having their ego smashed into pieces. No one likes to be thrown out like garbage.

 

People who are insecure and people who lack confidence and love for themselves ALWAYS run back to those who treat them like crap. They want to be told they're worth more, they want to be shown love, affection, and they will accept whatever little scraps of acceptance from the person they love. To be thrown out says, "Something's wrong with you!" They want to know that there is nothing wrong with them.

 

Women who have boundaries, confidence, who love themselves, would NEVER beg to be with someone who treats them so horribly. Too many people run to another for validation. For love. If everyone could just grasp the fact that all of those things come from WITHIN and that we don't need the opinion or approval of others in order to be worth something, the better off the world will be.

 

Exactly. The approval factor clouds people's judgement all the time in the dating game.

 

Honestly, dating is the easiest thing on the planet. It's always pretty obvious what's going on, but insecurity and the need to be wanted always clouds people's judgement.

 

If everyone just learned to be secure and independent, nobody would ever have any issues in the dating game.

Yasuandio Established Member

Yasuandio

Posted
Posted

First, when people talk of the break up, they usually point out all the negatives; and too, while so focused, often overlook their own contributions to the breakdown of the relationship.

 

I think the length of time of the relationship can also play a role. In my case, I was married 27 years before the divorce was final. I still find myself in a recovery mode - even though I have been separated four years. With all his bad points - he was my companion. And now I am alone. But these things happen for a reason. He was not good to me. And I have changed tremendously in a positive direction with him out of my life (even though I do deeply miss him).

Amelie1980 Established Member

Amelie1980

Posted
Posted
Then this question doesn't pertain to you. It's for those who still want to be with those who aren't good to us. I would assume lying, disrespect, cheating, jerking around with us emotionally, etc etc.

 

He wasn't good to me but he only went weird on me st the end. so in a way it does pertain to me. i know what he's capable of but he only do it at the end.

Darren Steez Established Member

Darren Steez

Posted
Posted

Why is it hard?

 

You invest the most precious thing you have in time, trust and your heart for this thing we call love. A person can ran rough shot all over you and yet still the heart dictates.

 

Thinking with our heads is a whole different story. Read half the stuff here, looking at it in the cold light of day without any emotion attached and the conclusions are easy to arrive to. Emotions are just the greys that mess everything up :)

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Amelie1980 Established Member

Amelie1980

Posted
Posted
Exactly. The approval factor clouds people's judgement all the time in the dating game.

 

Honestly, dating is the easiest thing on the planet. It's always pretty obvious what's going on, but insecurity and the need to be wanted always clouds people's judgement.

 

If everyone just learned to be secure and independent, nobody would ever have any issues in the dating game.

 

See the problem is dating is easy as at the beginning you don't know them or love them and walking away is easy and staying secure and independent is also easy.

I was FINE when I met him. No neediness or insecurity ....fast forward a few months I was in lobe and realised I was more vulnerable. I wasn't sure where it was headed his job and family issues were taking up all.his time and I began to get insecure at where I stood. How is it possible to be in love and want and need someone in your life without being vulnerable.....

 

How do you.stay detached when you fall in love.

destroyed4sho Established Member

destroyed4sho

Posted
Posted
reading through some threads on this website.. I see so many people trying their hardest to get back together with somebody who is absolutely awful to them.

 

it's like you're begging for their approval.. they don't care about you at all.

 

it's horrible to see how much love a lot of people on here have for their ex's only to see / read that their ex's are taking advantage of their kindness and walking all over them.

 

I'm in the same boat and I can't understand why I still care about this person.

 

I have the same thoughts often. I have talked with my therapist about it and it basically boils down to your parents. Did you parents have a dysfunctional relationship? Did you have a dysfunctional relationship with your parents? Were you rejected by one of them and always tried to seek approval? We choose people that mirror our parents even if they hurt us because we are familiar with these types of relationships.

 

 

I just don't understand how some people can just switch off and stop caring about their ex instantly.. go out partying every night seeing other people and never even calling / texting them again..

 

They change so that they can better deal with the break up. Others have certain personality disorders/traits that lack empathy.

 

I find it so weird that that's normal. I think things are a little different with my own situation.. but from what I've read.. people are willing to take back partners who already have new partners, who use them, who are basically having the best of both worlds right now.

 

I can see myself taking back my ex if they apologized bc of these reasons:

1. Visualized a future with this person and its hard to let that go

2. Low-self esteem, I feel I will never meet someone like her again

3. Having someone was an escape from other issues I was having

 

However, with that said, I do not think I would ever feel the same about them after breaking up with me and I know eventually I would not want this person in my life.

Once someone breaks up with me, its OVER because just the fact that they risked losing me means I didn't mean that much to them in the first place..

 

 

it's awful to see and I can't understand how people can just laugh at you and destroy you / take advantage of you.. because you care about them and love them so much.. it's probably the nastiest thing on the planet.

 

People that act this way are heartless and lack empathy. They are most likely suffering from a personality disorder such as Narcissistic, Borderline, Sociopathic...etc.

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