butterfly1968 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Background: I am in a 3.5 year relationship where I put my feelings on the backburner to avoid any type of conflict; never expressed how I feel unless it was in a joking manner. We had not seen each other for 3 weeks because of work and other obligations. I finally built up enough courage to ask my boyfriend (maybe ex) about the direction our relationship was heading. I told him that I did not want to be in a one-sided relationship or be strung along. He stated he understood how I felt but did not want to talk about it. Then he started nitpicking about irrelevant things I did that he did not like. I asked why does he keep things in and never talk about them then bring them up weeks later. I asked how can a relationship grow if, there is no communications. He said I do not see the big picture. I asked what was the big picture. He stated he did not know but said he could not take it and left. We have talked about where we wanted to live in the future and he even told his family. Was that the big picture? Did I move too soon? I just wanted for him to verbally tell me how he felt. Was I wrong? Why do I feel so bad? I want to call him. Should I?
Toddbt12y1 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 No, you weren't wrong. He is. Communication is utmost important in the proper function of any relationship. Without it, our needs and emotions remain expressionless. We then, are unsatisfied. No one should be stuck in an unsatisfactory relationship. Communication,time, love making, trust. These are utmost important in long term relationships. That is what he was referring too, by future: marriage. Yet, he lacks communication; a key function in a working marriage. That is something he must work on; if say you get married. Something serious comes up: you have to talk about it. What is he going to do: Stormout? That is immature. He should and you should both talk about it in a mature way. He should work on his communication of how he feels: the longer he holds it in, the worse it will be.
coloradogrl Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 My recent ex (of many years) never wanted to talk about feelings or have conflict. Multiple times, I tried to talk to him about how our relationship was growing, and he shut me down. He believed that the "right one" meant that there would never be any need to have disagreements, serious talks, etc., because it would just happen. Todd is right -- communication is key. Someone who does not have the maturity to tell you how he feels is not being honest with you or himself. You deserve to be with someone who can communicate. I know I do -- and after years of putting my feelings on the backburner, I hope I can find someone who wants to hear me out. Good luck!
Hopeful714 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 He believed that the "right one" meant that there would never be any need to have disagreements, serious talks, etc., because it would just happen I think many people see things this way and I think it is very immature, lazy and self centered. Like living in fantasy land. Ditto..without trust, honesty and communication...you have nothing. 2
KatZee Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 My recent ex (of many years) never wanted to talk about feelings or have conflict. Multiple times, I tried to talk to him about how our relationship was growing, and he shut me down. He believed that the "right one" meant that there would never be any need to have disagreements, serious talks, etc., because it would just happen. Todd is right -- communication is key. Someone who does not have the maturity to tell you how he feels is not being honest with you or himself. You deserve to be with someone who can communicate. I know I do -- and after years of putting my feelings on the backburner, I hope I can find someone who wants to hear me out. Good luck! Same with my ex. I dated him almost three years and he did the same thing all the time. Always avoided "conflict" when it wasn't even fighting. We never fought unless I tried to bring up how I was feeling and then he'd twist it around on me and make me out to be the bad person; when all along my reactions were based on his actions. But he'd never see it that way. He'd shut me down, ice me out, refuse to talk, then come back 2 days later acting like nothing ever happened. He never told me how he felt, he never told me if something I did angered him, he would just keep it all inside and then explode this word vomit all over me weeks or months later. He would come up with the most ridiculous s.hit sometimes and then he'd say "we weren't meant to be together" or "things had to change or else." Meanwhile I'm not a mind reader and I did everything I could to make him happy, etc. He's the one who lied from day one, cheated, held in his real feelings. The relationship died on my end because of the lack of communication. We had nothing. Our relationship was so shallow on an emotional level. I always stayed hoping it would change and it never did. Don't waste years of your life on someone who does this to you. I used to compare it to having the rug pulled out from under you. All is seemingly well and then comes the fall out, and it happens over, and over and over. 1
Recommended Posts