Why Did I Do This? - Feel Dead

[ForeverGuilt]

I am a single mother of a teenage daughter. About a year and a half ago I moved to a new city for a job. I have always held very high moral standards for my daughter. There have not been many men in my life and the few that were, were never allowed to spend the night.

 

Then... I move here. A MM started texting me. I kept telling him to leave me alone in a nice way because I didn't want to make the mutual friendship uncomfortable. In my heart I knew it was just for physicality. 10 month later, after some really bad blind dates and Match dates, I agreed to meet him for a drink. I was weak, lonely and so happy to spend time with someone I had chemistry with (physically, emotionally and very similar work ethics.) It was such a strong feeling.

 

The roller coaster has caused me to lose 20 pounds in 6 months and recurring mouth ulcers. This situation has devastated me beyond belief. I think I finally realized that he was lying to me and his wife. The guilt is overwhelming. I really don't think he is unhappy at all at home, other than his infatuation with me. I have never been so devastated, but never so conflicted that I don't even deserve any empathy.

 

i ask him why he pursued me for SO long and all he says is it was just magnetic. Why couldn't have had had more moral compass and never have met him. Now my 14 year old knows when his W sent me a text threatening my life. I never threw him under the bus and accepted all the responsibility even though he was relentless. I just wish I could forgive myself, but in the midst heal my heart. I really thought I loved this person. Two weeks ago he said we was looking for homes for us.

 

I fear that I will never recover from this experience. Please be kind in your remarks. There is nothing you could say that I don't already feel about myself. I have read a couple articles that have been very helpful accepting that guilt. It is unfair for the W to completely blame the OW. In my case, he was relentless, saying all the right things for 10 months. Yet, I am the horrible, horrible person.

[WakingUp]

Dont be so hard on yourself. You are not a horrible person.

 

So you believed him... you trusted him. You were in a vulnerable place and you were taken advantage of. And maybe he isnt such a villain either... we are all only human and far from perfect.

 

Focus now on you and your daughter. Allow yourself time to cry, to wish if only, to regret and whatever emotions you need to process to come out the other side of this.

 

But whatever you do, dont let him suck you back into the vortex that is an affair.

 

I wish I could give you a hug. Please keep posting and keep strong. Forgive yourself!

[ForeverGuilt]

Dont be so hard on yourself. You are not a horrible person.

 

So you believed him... you trusted him. You were in a vulnerable place and you were taken advantage of. And maybe he isnt such a villain either... we are all only human and far from perfect.

 

Focus now on you and your daughter. Allow yourself time to cry, to wish if only, to regret and whatever emotions you need to process to come out the other side of this.

 

But whatever you do, dont let him suck you back into the vortex that is an affair.

 

I wish I could give you a hug. Please keep posting and keep strong. Forgive yourself!

Thank you WakingUp. Those kind words of encouragement are greatly appreciated. All I have ever wanted was to be a good role model and I have royally ruined that. Forgiveness will be hard and the humility and tears abound.

 

(hugs) back to you.

[WakingUp]

Dont underestimate your daughter's love for you and her support for you.

 

You have undoubtedly been a good role model over the years... and I believe that part of that is admitting when we make mistakes (which we all do) and then doing what it takes to make things right again.

 

And dont listen to the big old meanies on here... they know who they are!

They are just bullies who imagine themselves on a pedestal.

 

So hang in there sweetheart. Think of all the good things you have done, the strength you have found when the chips were down, and the love and kindness you have within you.

 

All is not lost!

[Gibson_Girl]

FG,

We are very similar and I'm so sorry for you.

 

I never thought my moral compass would spin like compass over the Bermuda Triangle but it did. It happens. You're right, we made a mistake and we aren't the type you spoke about. No one can know until they experienced what you've experienced.

 

Do what you need to do to grieve. Grieve your loss, because it was a loss to you. Then do what you can to put it back together for yourself. Seek counseling. That's what I'm doing. It's a journey for sure and not one I'd wish anyone else to take.

Edited February 21, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Catplates]

You went off the rails ... You are human . Most people do whether they admit it or not.

 

Just be aware that is is easy to slip up when you are lonely and vulnerable. It doesn't mean your life is ruined forever.

 

Those who do not understand have as you said, never walked in those shoes. Many of us here have lived incredible lives and we are strong women.

 

We come out the other side of the A and pick ourselves up again. You are not damned to hell forever. Most people here are gentle, wise and helpful.

 

Warm wishes,

Cat

[Hope7]

ForeverGuilty I am so sorry you are hurting!! Please try to take it easy on yourself, you are NOT a bad person! I'm glad to see you're in counseling, I really think it will help you to have someone to talk to and navigate you thru this tough time...you deserve happiness!! EVERY ONE of us has done things in life that we are not proud of/would do differently if given the chance. So please don't be so hard on yourself! You have obviously taken responsibility for your role in this, now you need to start taking steps to help yourself heal and move forward. This man doesn't deserve any more of your tears, you can tell from your post that you are a good woman and I'm sorry you're going thru such a hard time!

 

MFH70, for once I would like to see someone who's come to this site for help/support not get immediately pounced on by you. I'm sure you have a lot of good advice to offer the people here.. but the way you go about giving it makes people dismiss what you're saying as hostile bitter words from a judgmental woman. It would be far more effective if you didn't try to shame people into seeing your point...just something to think about! Sorry about the t/j Forever

 

Hope7

Edited February 10, 2013 by Hope7

[hissunshine]

I am a single mother of a teenage daughter. About a year and a half ago I moved to a new city for a job. I have always held very high moral standards for my daughter. There have not been many men in my life and the few that were, were never allowed to spend the night.

 

Then... I move here. A MM started texting me. I kept telling him to leave me alone in a nice way because I didn't want to make the mutual friendship uncomfortable. In my heart I knew it was just for physicality. 10 month later, after some really bad blind dates and Match dates, I agreed to meet him for a drink. I was weak, lonely and so happy to spend time with someone I had chemistry with (physically, emotionally and very similar work ethics.) It was such a strong feeling.

 

The roller coaster has caused me to lose 20 pounds in 6 months and recurring mouth ulcers. This situation has devastated me beyond belief. I think I finally realized that he was lying to me and his wife. The guilt is overwhelming. I really don't think he is unhappy at all at home, other than his infatuation with me. I have never been so devastated, but never so conflicted that I don't even deserve any empathy.

 

i ask him why he pursued me for SO long and all he says is it was just magnetic. Why couldn't have had had more moral compass and never have met him. Now my 14 year old knows when his W sent me a text threatening my life. I never threw him under the bus and accepted all the responsibility even though he was relentless. I just wish I could forgive myself, but in the midst heal my heart. I really thought I loved this person. Two weeks ago he said we was looking for homes for us.

 

I fear that I will never recover from this experience. Please be kind in your remarks. There is nothing you could say that I don't already feel about myself. I have read a couple articles that have been very helpful accepting that guilt. It is unfair for the W to completely blame the OW. In my case, he was relentless, saying all the right things for 10 months. Yet, I am the horrible, horrible person.

 

 

Hey,

 

You sound a lot like me and seem to be experiencing the same emotions I have been for the past little while. I have been a single mom for almost 7 years now. The few times that I have brought a guy around for my son to meet, it was only once or twice. The same as you, no one has spent the night either when he was around.

 

For the 5 years before MM came along, I have had countless terrible dates (many threads can be created on this subject, LOL) and I had built a nice emotional fortress up around myself. I am a very strong and independent woman with a very good career and I have chosen to be very picky about who I invite into my life.

 

Much like you, my MM pursued me for some time before I "gave in." He managed to break down my walls, say the right things and have me fall maddly in love with him only to end up being a great big disappointment.

 

As much as I blame him and have a lot of anger towards him, I feel like stupid a lot of the time. How could I have not seen this coming? I think I did but I guess there must have been a huge void in my life that I had been ignoring.

 

So....I really understand how you feel this is your fault but it really isn't. I suggest that you get counselling. I have been avoiding this for a good year but I finally made the call this past week as I realized that I cannot handle this alone. My first appointment is Tuesday. It felt good just to make a positive step towards feeling better. I suggest maybe you should consider doing the same?

[ForeverGuilt]

Hey,

 

You sound a lot like me and seem to be experiencing the same emotions I have been for the past little while. I have been a single mom for almost 7 years now. The few times that I have brought a guy around for my son to meet, it was only once or twice. The same as you, no one has spent the night either when he was around.

 

For the 5 years before MM came along, I have had countless terrible dates (many threads can be created on this subject, LOL) and I had built a nice emotional fortress up around myself. I am a very strong and independent woman with a very good career and I have chosen to be very picky about who I invite into my life.

 

Much like you, my MM pursued me for some time before I "gave in." He managed to break down my walls, say the right things and have me fall maddly in love with him only to end up being a great big disappointment.

 

As much as I blame him and have a lot of anger towards him, I feel like stupid a lot of the time. How could I have not seen this coming? I think I did but I guess there must have been a huge void in my life that I had been ignoring.

 

So....I really understand how you feel this is your fault but it really isn't. I suggest that you get counseling. I have been avoiding this for a good year but I finally made the call this past week as I realized that I cannot handle this alone. My first appointment is Tuesday. It felt good just to make a positive step towards feeling better. I suggest maybe you should consider doing the same?

 

I actually went to an appointment Friday. It did not go as well as I had hoped. I had the referral from my general practitioner. He was very cold and unemotional. I cried most of the time and all he said was 'well, at least you feel bad'. Since that appointment I have spiraled downward.

 

So your affair has been over for a year and you are still struggling? I have anger at him too. Mostly just for his selfishness regarding everyone involved. It was never anything more to him than sins of the flesh. I, too, think I saw all the signs, but chose to ignore them.

 

Thanks for sharing your story. I really hope that this pain for you is fresh and not something you have had to harbor for a year now.

[Pierre]

I think this post shows that many good nice women end up as OW when they meet a sleek smooth charming cheating MM.

 

The reasons are multifactorial:

 

1. 1. KIds at home and not being young anymore.

 

 

2. Frustration with the singles date scene. Single men do not hold a candle to cheating MM in terms of knowing how to court a woman. IN addition cheating MM have a knack for finding women that are in that vulnerable stage where the single men are just not doing it for them.

 

3. Coming off a bad marriage and slowly deciding marriage is underrated. Or deciding they don't believe in marriage which is a form of rationalization to be with a MM.

 

4. Some men and women simply lose the ability to reason when they are emotionally involved.

 

In any event: The fact that she had an affair is moot at this point. The important thing is that OP seems to be a very good woman with empathy and now will do the right thing. What really counts is what she does afterwards.

[hissunshine]

OMG...your counsellor said that????? That really sucks. I hope I have a different result on Tuesday! I don't think I could handle something like that. I can totally understand how horrible that made you feel.

 

My A started almost 2 years ago. If you go back and read my threads, you will get the whole story. It has been on and off. MM's W is dying of cancer. We have been in communication this past week and it certainly looks like the end is near for her, unfortunately. I still love him and he still says his feelings for me have not changed either but I would love to be able to get over him and move on. Right now, I am very stuck.

 

When is the last time you had contact with your xMM? You mentioned something in your post about him looking for a place for you. What did you mean by that? How did his W find out? Did he tell you that he loved you?

 

Honestly, I find posting on here makes me feel better. If you can ignore certain people who are just out to get their vengeance on anyone that they can, there are some really good people on here.

[Pierre]

I actually went to an appointment Friday. It did not go as well as I had hoped. I had the referral from my general practitioner. He was very cold and unemotional. I cried most of the time and all he said was 'well, at least you feel bad'. Since that appointment I have spiraled downward.

 

 

YOu wanted a pop psychologist. They can make you feel good regarding your mistake, but I am not certain it is the best therapy. Hang in there and go 100% NC. YOu are not a bad person. However, I believe you are naive and gullible. As someone else said, you were just easy prey for the MOM.

 

YOu need to work on your self esteem. A woman with high self esteem does not give a MM one second of her time.

[ForeverGuilt]

Thank you WakingUp! It is so strange because you reach out to a group of people to help you understand your pain because you truly don't even feel you deserve it and then to be kicked again makes me regretful I exposed myself again.

 

And yet... I deserve it. Every day is a painful reminder of the mistake I made. I wish everyone on this site the very best and the hope that the pain of these situations minimizes with each day.

[ForeverGuilt]

I think this post shows that many good nice women end up as OW when they meet a sleek smooth charming cheating MM.

 

The reasons are multifactorial:

 

1. 1. KIds at home and not being young anymore.

 

 

2. Frustration with the singles date scene. Single men do not hold a candle to cheating MM in terms of knowing how to court a woman. IN addition cheating MM have a knack for finding women that are in that vulnerable stage where the single men are just not doing it for them.

 

3. Coming off a bad marriage and slowly deciding marriage is underrated. Or deciding they don't believe in marriage which is a form of rationalization to be with a MM.

 

4. Some men and women simply lose the ability to reason when they are emotionally involved.

 

In any event: The fact that she had an affair is moot at this point. The important thing is that OP seems to be a very good woman with empathy and now will do the right thing. What really counts is what she does afterwards.

 

Pierre, thank you for you comment. I agree about what really matters is how you handle an already bad situation. My husband had an affair and left me for a woman 20 years younger. I never blamed her, ever. Nor him for that fact. Our marriage was broken, what I did tell him was how he handled it moving forward which was terrible. He abandoned every responsibility as an ex husband and father to his child financially and emotionally. I am going to do everything I can to handle this as best as can be done.

 

Again, thank you Pierre, for not making me feel like a complete disgrace.

[ForeverGuilt]

YOu wanted a pop psychologist. They can make you feel good regarding your mistake, but I am not certain it is the best therapy. Hang in there and go 100% NC. YOu are not a bad person. However, I believe you are naive and gullible. As someone else said, you were just easy prey for the MOM.

 

YOu need to work on your self esteem. A woman with high self esteem does not give a MM one second of her time.

 

You know what is interesting Pierre? Most people would be shocked to know I have a low self esteem. I am a relatively attractive, successful woman. I have raised a strong, smart daughter by myself and have a very good career. What the heck is wrong with me? Your earlier post is dead on. The single life is very tough and this man was successful and very charismatic. Flattery got him everywhere. The loneliness took over my common sense. That scares me very much.

[William]

Minor thread cleanup. Keep the language conforming and please be civil and respectful in your comments. Thanks.

[Pierre]

You know what is interesting Pierre? Most people would be shocked to know I have a low self esteem. I am a relatively attractive, successful woman. I have raised a strong, smart daughter by myself and have a very good career. What the heck is wrong with me? Your earlier post is dead on. The single life is very tough and this man was successful and very charismatic. Flattery got him everywhere. The loneliness took over my common sense. That scares me very much.

 

Don't feel bad about low self esteem. Most people have a hole in the self esteem department. You will also be surprised to know that the cleaning lady may have better self esteem than the lady owner of the house who is an accomplished lawyer or physician. Achieving a high socioeconomic and educational status is not always a cure for low self esteem. Sometimes, I feel you are either born with it or not.

 

The issue with low self esteem is that some folks take it differently. Some may overcompensate by inappropriately demanding the best whereas others accept too little. One way to achieve better self esteem is to have an impeccable personality. If you do this you will slowly feel much beter about yourself. As of now this MOM did a number on your self esteem by making you cross the line.

 

As to why you crossed the line. I have read this forum and others for years and men and women that yearn external validation become very much like addicts and eventually do the wrong thing. Picture a drug addict stealing money from his grandma whom he loves very much. The addiction trumps everything. Your affair was an addiction because you craved validation.

 

Welcomed to the human race!

 

As to why cheating men are so charming and charismatic? That is like asking why the tallest basketball players are better at the sport. But, in the end philandering men are just like you. They also crave validation and have low self esteem. They deal with this issue by making a romantic conquest. If you respond then they get as validated.

 

Beware of excessively charming men.

[Gibson_Girl]

What your counselor said seems very cold and analytical. Is that the type C you need? Can you find another?

 

I'm in C as well and chose to return to one I was angry with for not telling me what I wanted to hear. She gave me advice and I just wanted her to tell me how to fix things between my H and myself. Two years down the road, it turns out she was right. I went back to her for counseling, admitted my anger and told her that I am open-minded now and willing to take anything she threw at me for advice. I opened up about my A and she helped me and didn't judge or condemn.

 

I hope you find the right outlet to help you work through this. It seems there are many good people on this forum who have sound advice and are card-carrying members of the Been-There-Done-That Club.

It's been a relief to find others who can empathize and encourage you to do what's right for you. I'm finding that it's an ebb and flow recovery for me. One minute I'm dying and want to call and an hour later I realize I'm doing the right thing for both of us. There will be ups and downs, I wish you strength for your journey, peace for your aching heart and love that you desire.

[ComingInHot]

Foreverguilt;

From your opening post, it sounds as if you are holding yourself responsible for your choices, so no need to expand on that.

I encourage you to turn this into a real life teaching opportunity to both yourself And your daughter. It sounds like she found out in a horrible way about your transgresion regarding the A.

I would be mortified, literally scared for my mother's life if I had ever read a message w/such content!

 

She NEEDS your reasurance that you won't be harmed. It also is the opportunity for you to show her that by your example, cheating is wrong & damaging to all who are affected.

 

Then you can once again Lead her by example how never to engage in this type of destructive behavior ever and how to avoid such situations & temptations.

 

You are already doing this by her knowing you are seeking professional support and by NC* This is a good thing.

 

I understand you are struggling w/the effects of your A but having the privilage of the responsibility to teach, lead and care for your daughter will hopefully allow you to pull from that internal reservoir of strength that so many women & mothers have.

 

Use this strength to help both you & your daughter through this difficult time.

Wishing you swift healing & strength**

CIH

[ForeverGuilt]

What your counselor said seems very cold and analytical. Is that the type C you need? Can you find another?

 

I'm in C as well and chose to return to one I was angry with for not telling me what I wanted to hear. She gave me advice and I just wanted her to tell me how to fix things between my H and myself. Two years down the road, it turns out she was right. I went back to her for counseling, admitted my anger and told her that I am open-minded now and willing to take anything she threw at me for advice. I opened up about my A and she helped me and didn't judge or condemn.

 

I hope you find the right outlet to help you work through this. It seems there are many good people on this forum who have sound advice and are card-carrying members of the Been-There-Done-That Club.

It's been a relief to find others who can empathize and encourage you to do what's right for you. I'm finding that it's an ebb and flow recovery for me. One minute I'm dying and want to call and an hour later I realize I'm doing the right thing for both of us. There will be ups and downs, I wish you strength for your journey, peace for your aching heart and love that you desire.

 

GibsonGirl, your words are helpful. I am dying inside from minute to minute. I came on here to selfishly get some empathy and understanding from people who have walked in these shoes. Unfortunately, there are many people that feel the need to judge. I will have my day of judgement and they can rest assured that I suffer every day. My life is a living hell that I would prefer to not endure or wish on anyone. I am not sure how I am going to get through this week. I just want to run away. I am a terrible example to my daughter and most people in society if they knew my transgression would despise me. I feel more unworthy than ever. Taking this public was not the best thing for me.

[Pierre]

GibsonGirl, your words are helpful. I am dying inside from minute to minute. I came on here to selfishly get some empathy and understanding from people who have walked in these shoes. Unfortunately, there are many people that feel the need to judge. I will have my day of judgement and they can rest assured that I suffer every day. My life is a living hell that I would prefer to not endure or wish on anyone. I am not sure how I am going to get through this week. I just want to run away. I am a terrible example to my daughter and most people in society if they knew my transgression would despise me. I feel more unworthy than ever. Taking this public was not the best thing for me.

 

No point in putting yourself down. The important thing is what you do now and what you learned from this.

 

Go 100% hermetic NC so you can heal. Never ever communicate with MOM again. Throw away all old emails and photos.

 

If you go into absolute NC you will get through the pain faster even if it is severe right now. Do not linger on what ifs. This was an accident going nowhere, no need to ponder what ifs.

 

MOM will contact you again weeks or months from now to resume the affair. make sure you ignore him.

[2sure]

My own life experiences have taught me that secure, confident, stable women date available men. Women that are at a vulnerable point in their lives often end up dating unavailable men.

 

An unavailable man says all the right things and makes all kinds of hints or even promises. He thinks you're wonderful and makes you feel great. Because he can and because it poses no risk to him and because you make him feel wonderful.

An available man isn't jumping to do everything right, isn't makng promises because...he is actively involved in searching for a partner and is living in reality.

 

A vulnerable woman , a woman with a void , having an affair feels fulfilling. She falls in love, he is everything she wants except ...married. It seems that way but most times you've just filled the void with what turns out to be rubbish. Whatever made you vulnerable is still there, the affair didn't solve that.

 

How come you've dated so many available men but not found one you love and that loved you? There is a reason.

 

Also, until you are emotionally free of MM you won't meet anyone, no one will seem attractive to you because you are emotionally unavailable.

 

Most MM don't exist as you see them , the man you get is someone he makes up as an escape.

[Pierre]

My own life experiences have taught me that secure, confident, stable women date available men. Women that are at a vulnerable point in their lives often end up dating unavailable men.

 

An unavailable man says all the right things and makes all kinds of hints or even promises. He thinks you're wonderful and makes you feel great. Because he can and because it poses no risk to him and because you make him feel wonderful.

An available man isn't jumping to do everything right, isn't makng promises because...he is actively involved in searching for a partner and is living in reality.

 

A vulnerable woman , a woman with a void , having an affair feels fulfilling. She falls in love, he is everything she wants except ...married. It seems that way but most times you've just filled the void with what turns out to be rubbish. Whatever made you vulnerable is still there, the affair didn't solve that.

 

How come you've dated so many available men but not found one you love and that loved you? There is a reason.

 

Also, until you are emotionally free of MM you won't meet anyone, no one will seem attractive to you because you are emotionally unavailable.

 

Most MM don't exist as you see them , the man you get is someone he makes up as an escape.

 

Great post. I have said the same thing from day one, but I am not as eloquent as you.

[RainDown]

I think you are much too hard on yourself, sweetheart. You did not molest a child, boil a bunny, rob a bank, kill the liquor store owner in a robbery, murder your husband for money, burn down the neighbor's house or some other equally heinous thing.

 

You were lonely, met a man with whom you had chemistry, had a relationship and consensual sex with said man, and said man happened to already be married. I'm in no way making light of infidelity, but it's hardly the worst thing (or even remotely close to the worst thing) you could have done. It does not make you a terrible or worthless person - it just makes you a person who made some decisions that you now regret and feel guilty about. I think we've all been there in one way or another. None of us is perfect, we all make mistakes, some of us feel badly about those mistakes (like you), and we learn what not to do in the future.

 

I get where you're coming from though. I come down pretty hard on myself too when I fail to live up to my own standards. I think you should try to be a little kinder to yourself; you're not a bad person. You're a human person.

 

I hope you start feeling better soon.

[egalew]

Forever - Your story is my story. I am an attractive, single mom with a pretty high profile job. I was seen as strong, independent, with very high moral standards, until.....

 

Because of my age, I get hit on by a lot of MM, but until the ex avoided them like the plague. But the ex-MM knew exactly what to say and do, and he kept at it until I succumbed. (It's a game with these guys, really.) I too thought he absolutely adored me. After all, I have 4,000 e-mails / texts to prove it. But, then he dropped me so fast it was devastating.

 

I've had so many bad dates I've lost count. In the last week, I met with a guy who looked like a stroke victim (no joke), another that gave one word answers and a third who told me he was used to dating prettier women, but still wanted to f---. Oh, and two guys asked me out, to go MIA and never follow-up.

 

Having this happened again and again and again chips away at one's self worth, and I think a married guy sense this. Also, my therapist pointed out, married guys are more "domesticated." They know what to say or do.

 

I understand and feel your pain. But, honestly, don't beat your self up. These guys are on the prowl. The wife wants to blame someone. But, if it wasn't you, he been focused on someone else.