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Still hurting big time and very very confused over all of this


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Posted

I sent in a post a while ago regarding the breakup of my relationship with the biggest love of my life. Since then, we have had little contact, when we have, it has ended in arguing, both her and I. But it seems she wont let go - i asked her to say goodbye to me, she wont do it. I have tried to get her to say this to me many times, she just wont do it. I told her i was meeting another girl the other day, she wanted to know who she was, where we were going, etc. Then she said "cool". And asked if the other girl speaks good english (we live in China). Since then, she has avoided me big time. However, today, she paged me on my cell phone and told me her dad wanted me to come there for lunch with him. He speaks no english at all, she is away out of town. I find this weird. She also paged me the other day and told me that my dad, who lives in Canada, said hi to me - she had been chatting with him on the msn messenger!

 

Well, the other day i saw her, and I talked nicely. I told her that if she has a change of heart i am here, no problem. She was a bit stunned i think. I then kissed her on the cheek and said got to go, love you, this was when i was leaving to meet the other girl i have met. And i simply walked off.

 

So, maybe some of you can tell me what your thoughts are here - why is she still doing what she is when in fact she has told me it is over for good, she will never be back? She gives me the impression that she cares not for me, that she does not think of me, etc, etc. Is she kidding me, herself, or both of us? Cause if she is truly forgotten about me and has no feelings, why would she even consider allowing her dad to invite me to have lunch with him alone? Am i just nuts here or what? Sure could use some hearty advice. Thanks

Posted

From your post, I'm not certain why she broke up with you. What's clear is that she's doing her best to ensure that friendship / continued connection. This may be to assuage her guilt (likely part of it). But, it may also be because she genuinely cares for you (also likely part of it).

 

She doesn't seem to be pressing for any return to a romantic connection. That's certainly very painful for you. It's always confusing when someone we love and want to be with -- and have been with -- only wants or allows friendship in return.

 

For now, assume that's all she's after. Act accordingly. If the friendship is too painful because you are not over her, then put some distance between you and, if you're ready, pursue other women. Don't respond to anything she's doing, inwardly or outwardly, as a romantic gesture, unless she definitely makes such a move.

 

-- uriel

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Posted

Thanks for your reply. As I mentioned, I have met another very nice woman here in China and we are dating and having a great time, but it is very hard for me to get the proper sense of what i am doing, having not gotten over the ex girlfriend. We broke up, by the way, or so i am told, because i got mad at her when i was away in Canada last month and she says i will not allow her to see her friends (not true) and that i am always asking her where she goes, etc, etc. And hey, if she feels pressured, then i understand, but she should have maybe talked to me about these concerns before deciding to pull the plug. Where i come from, when someone says it is over and that they will never return to the other person, then acts towards them like they are bad people, and avoids them whenever possible, it has always been my assumption that they are asking for total closure. I have asked her numerous times if she wants me to leave her alone and not bother her at all, and she always says of course not, you think too much. Her actions just dont convince me that she is wanting me to disappear if you know what i mean. We will see how she now is having found out that i am seeing another girl. And, yes, i will avoid the nonsense with her and have been doing that for a few days, no need to prolong the hurt. I saw her the other day, was going to meet the other girl and she knew that, we talked a bit, i told her if she ever has a change of heart, i will be here waiting for her. She said she did not know that - yea, right, sure she didn't. Then i simply kissed her on the cheek, told her i loved her and then said goodbye. What effect might that have had on her, in your opinion? Also, interestingly, I have asked her a few times to just say goodbye to me, say goodbye and end it. Each time she refuses to say the word goodbye to me. What is that all about? I just find it very weird that she would be in favor of me having lunch with her dad, who speaks no english, after she has decided that we are done for good. Why would anyone even consider that to be ok? Anyhow, again, thanks for your reply. If you have any interesting thoughts about what i have written just now i would love to hear them.

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