Very Sad, I need !

[Broken Inside]

Hello there!

I dont even know how to start this.

Im a 30 years old woman married with a 52 years old man. We have been together for 7 years now, married for 3 years, no mutual kids (he has 2).

Im very unhappy in this marriage, I feel lonely and verbally abused every single day and with that you would think it's easy to make the decision of letting him go but it isn't. My husband has a pornography addiction AND he is cheating, also he shows he has no issues with me knowing about this and suffering.

How can I let go? How can it be so difficult when Im broken inside? I cant even blame him for this because I knew how he was and did marry him anyway. I feel like I know I have to divorce him but I don't know how to deal with it, how to start, how to tell my family (who all of them live in my country, Im by myself here).

He was divorced before because he is a womanizer and not just that he wants to be with other women but they are all married as well, he told me once that I was the only single woman that he had been with. My husband is a very unhappy person, very negative and he brings me down. I feel like Im loosing my desire of happiness because I'm with him.

Im sorry Im not even reading what Im writing because I just want to post anything to break the ice and hear some advices. Also sorry if I don't write well, english isn't my first language. Feel free to ask questions please.

Thank you all

[TaraMaiden]

Thank heaven you have no children.

 

First of all, do you have any close friends at all, a work colleague, or someone you can trust?

I think part of the difficulty is that because you are away from your own family and country, you feel out of your depth, and do not know what to do or where to turn.

 

I don't want you to give too much of yourself away, but where are you from, and what country are you in?

it would be easier to give you a perspective of your options, if we can tell where you are operating from.....

 

There are professional organisations which exist to help people in your situation - both men and women.

Things like this do not only happen to wives/girlfriends - many men are also in emotionally abusive relationships....

 

Has he ever hit you?

[Broken Inside]

Thank you for answering TaraMaiden!

I know its good we don't have kids together.

I do have some friends but not many since he is a lot older than me I don't even have my own friends, just a few. Unfortunately we also work together, we have (or he has as he says) a business. I do help him a lot since Im bilingual and we hire a lot of spanish people even tough, he says he doesn't like us.

Im from Peru and live in Usa, PA to be exact.

He did hit me once, 6 months after we got married. I had a black eye for about 3 weeks and when his mother saw me she said "he didn't meant to do it".

I just need to know who to talk with, how to break out of this circle that is killing me slowly. I don't mean the drama, I'm just expressing myself as much as I can since I dont talk about this with nobody.

Thank you again

[jf2good]

Get some counseling for yourself, not to save the marriage. Yes he is the problem but you need the counseling help to let go. Please leave this marriage for yourself as verbal abuse is abuse, it hurts and scars like physical abuse yet there are no marks.

[Mack05]

Its amazing how many times relationships with big age gaps (where the guy is older) are abusive. The guy tends to be domineering, controlling, judgemental and abusive. The girl tends to lack self esteem and is looking for a 'father' figure.

 

Agree with jf2 above. You need counselling to help you come to terms with the abuse and to help you build some self esteem.

 

You need to get out of this marriage. I know how scary that must feel. Is there anyway you could go back to Peru? If not, the first thing I would do is start applying for jobs.. This will help you financially. If you have saved money of you own, maybe you could research into moving States (if you want to stay in the US)?

 

You are still young with your whole life in front of you. While this is incredibly scary, its also an incredible opportunity. You can reinvent yourself in a new place, make new friends and meet the right kind of guy. Lots of amazing places in America. California, Florida, New York, Boston, Chicago, Washington, Colorado etc etc. I could go on and on but this really could be an amazing opportunity for you. You just need to find the courage to grab it.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you for answering TaraMaiden!

I know its good we don't have kids together.

I do have some friends but not many since he is a lot older than me I don't even have my own friends, just a few.

Consider thse friends. Which one do you like the most, adnmire the most, enjoy being with the most? Go to her.

 

Tell her you need to speak with her and that what you want to say is totally confidential, totally private but absolutely true.

 

Don't be too emotional. That is to say, try to not dress it up too much with personal comment, but explain how frightened and alone you feel, and that you need help to get out of this situation.

Tell her everything you have told us.

If she has a computer, show her this thread, even!

But you don't know where to turn, or how to handle it. All you know is that you have to get out.

It's time you stood up for yourself.

 

Unfortunately we also work together, we have (or he has as he says) a business. I do help him a lot since Im bilingual and we hire a lot of spanish people even tough, he says he doesn't like us.

Sounds like he hires them to probably pay a low wage.... As his wife, you would be entitled to support - half his business, even!

 

 

Im from Peru and live in Usa, PA to be exact.

Then you're in a good place. There are laws in place to protect you from situations like these....

 

He did hit me once, 6 months after we got married. I had a black eye for about 3 weeks and when his mother saw me she said "he didn't meant to do it".

Unacceptable. Totally unacceptable. And for his mother to make excuses for him is utterly deplorable and unforgivable.

When my elder brother, many years ago, slapped his wife, our mother gave him merry hell. She wiped the floor with him.

He has never, since that awful day, laid a finger on anyone, ever.

 

Physical abuse is totally intolerable, and there is no right, no excuse and absolutely nothing to warrant such an action.

 

I just need to know who to talk with, how to break out of this circle that is killing me slowly. I don't mean the drama, I'm just expressing myself as much as I can since I dont talk about this with nobody.

Thank you again

 

Look on the internet for local associations which help victims of abuse.

 

I don't know how good you are with computers, but make sure you delete your 'browsing history' so that he doesn't see what you have been doing.

 

Hopefully, he would not find this either.

 

But seek help from a friend. In times like these, your 'girlfriends' will support you.

 

But one final thing; try to not make it anyone you work with.... if at all possible.

 

Keep in touch. Let us know how you get on.....

[Broken Inside]

Thank you all for the replies. This is exactly what I was looking for.

 

Jf2good: I read some of your threads and you do have a lot of similarities with my husband. Of course I don't know what your situation is but my husband tells me a lot of the things you tell your wife (from what I read) and he also has something with asian ladies. So it's kind of weird for me the kind of advice you give me, meaning, I wonder what my husband would advice me if he was here and read my story. Im sorry, I hope I'm not being disrespectful here. Thank you for the advice.

 

Mac05:I agree about maybe I'm looking for the father figure. I have such a amazing father and miss him so much. My parents had been married for 59 years! It's so hard for me to tell them about how my marriage is going plus they are old and I would feel selfish giving them this kind of pain at this age.

Because of the business we do travel a lot and I've been in a lot of nice places. I dream about starting fresh and reinvent myself. I do have some savings but the other issue I have it's that my husband owns me money. Last year the company grew and he needed extra cash so I did let him use my savings. Many times he asks me to leave the house when we fight but he knows I can't because he has my money. I do work a lot and I mean it when I say a lot! He even tells me I work more than he does; he does pay for everything at home and I get my pay as an employee which I use for my own stuff (clothes, helping my family back home, etc). I know that if he would have to hire an outsider to do what I do, he would pay him/her double of what I get but I'm ok with that since I take it as my share as a wife. On the other side, the company is doing well right now and I don't get 1 extra penny for it.

 

TaraMaiden: I agree about him hiring hispanic employees to pay lower wage rate. I know as a wife half of his stuff is mine BUT I don't want anything from my husband. Ive worked very hard for my money since i came to this country. He always tell me I'm with him because of money but I don't understand what money because he doesn't give me any money besides my pay as an employee. I do help my parents back home because they are very old, but once again, that's with my own money.

I couldn't believe it when his mother told me that! I felt so terrible that another woman would think that way! I've tried to speak with her trying to get help but she doesn't believe anything I say. One time I did grab his phone to show her mother proof of what I was talking about and then she didn't know what to tell me.

 

I going to start looking for help, I know I can do this! I have to! I have so many dreams. This is definitely not what my parents did dream for me when I was a child.

Thank you very much everyone!

[TaraMaiden]

TaraMaiden: I agree about him hiring hispanic employees to pay lower wage rate. I know as a wife half of his stuff is mine BUT I don't want anything from my husband. Ive worked very hard for my money since i came to this country.

This is completely immaterial. In any separatiuon/divorce, you would be legally entitled to that proportion, particularly in light of what you say your work investment and contribution is. Whether you would 'want' it or not, it would be yours by right....

 

He always tell me I'm with him because of money but I don't understand what money because he doesn't give me any money besides my pay as an employee. I do help my parents back home because they are very old, but once again, that's with my own money.

Emotional blackmail/bribery is a sure-fire sign that he is a weak bully.

All bullies are weak.

Aggression is how they pretend to be strong.....

 

I couldn't believe it when his mother told me that! I felt so terrible that another woman would think that way! I've tried to speak with her trying to get help but she doesn't believe anything I say. One time I did grab his phone to show her mother proof of what I was talking about and then she didn't know what to tell me.

It's highly possible she suffered abuse at the hands of HIS father. He must have got it from somewhere.....

"We teach our children the behaviour to copy....."

 

I going to start looking for help, I know I can do this! I have to! I have so many dreams. This is definitely not what my parents did dream for me when I was a child.

Thank you very much everyone!

Hang on to those dreams, and don't lose hope.

Keep posting.

We want to know you get out of there safely.....