Why lie to someone you claim to love about something so serious?

[hardtolove]

People keep telling me to let this go, but it's hard because I've never been hurt like this before, and I'm confused.

 

My ex, he's told me he misses me, he loves me, he needs me, and he'll always be there for me (even after I asked for space). I still have not responded to him and so the final message I received from him was him saying I hate him. I don't and he knows it. But for now I just can't seem to get past the lies he's told me. Everything he's said about his feelings means nothing to me, and honestly just makes me feel worse about myself. I feel like he has failed to put himself in my shoes in this situation. Our whole relationship seems like it was a lie from the beginning.

 

I can't seem to understand why he would lie to me after trying so hard to get/keep me? After I finally opened up to him and tried to make things work? After EVERYTHING we've been through? It just makes no sense, he had no reason to do that, especially if we were together...

[TaraMaiden]

Can I just point you - ONCE AGAIN! - to the No Contact Guide....?

 

Never, ever ask questions about their behaviour, attitude, comments, responses, actions, words, lies... whatever.

I know you don't even intend to ask him all this, or meet up and discuss things, but:

This is what the Guide explains...

 

Q. What is the best way to get closure from my ex?

A. You will never, ever get closure, from your ex.

Writing letters, or arranging to meet 'one last time' to get closure, is a pointless exercise. For several reasons.

One: Very often, the dumper themselves, cannot really come up with a straight answer. They themselves may be confused about the situation, so you may get one answer one day, and a different one the next....

Two: They will lie. Either to protect themselves, or to protect your feelings. Which of course, is pointless, because they're shattered anyway.

Three: Any answers or responses you do get - will simply serve to prompt more questions on your part. Because deep down, all you want out of closure - is for them to do an about turn and admit they were wrong. You want them to change their minds.

Seeking closure just reeks of 'desperate'. And it will merely serve to break your heart again.

 

Closure, is like Vomit: It comes from within, but you need to get it out of your system.

So you have to face facts, get real and accept matters as they are.

 

Asking questions of his actions, is simply self-defeating.

 

Realise one thing: He was stupid, immature and took you for an idiot.

When people lie to us, it's because they don't deem us intelligent or astute enough to either be able to see the truth, or handle it.

 

Which is a grossly insulting assumption.

he lied to you, because he hoped you'd 'buy it'.

[ScienceGal]

I asked my ex why he could never stop lying to me. He replied "I don't know."

 

Accept that you may never understand "why" anything happens. Just realize it wasn't a good situation to be in. If he lied about so many things I am willing to bet that is more of a reflection on him as a person, and not you. Do not feel bad about yourself.

[ScienceGal]

 

Realise one thing: He was stupid, immature and took you for an idiot.

When people lie to us, it's because they don't deem us intelligent or astute enough to either be able to see the truth, or handle it.

 

Which is a grossly insulting assumption.

he lied to you, because he hoped you'd 'buy it'.

 

It might even be as simple as him being immature/inexperienced.

 

No matter what the reason though, Tara is right. Liars always hope to get away with it. They value their own wants over those of the one they're lying to. And it doesn't matter why. A habitual liar is not someone who you can form a long lasting healthy relationship with. period.

[hardtolove]

Ugh... this all makes me feel worse... I'm so hurt right now, and it sucks. I don't know who else to talk to anymore. I know they don't want to hear it anymore... It's really hard for me to let things go. Especially because I'm so mad at myself for letting it get this far. In my heart I knew something was wrong. I could have stopped everything, instead I convinced myself that everything was going to be fine. I stayed with him even though I didn't trust him and even though I didn't love him. I wanted to be there for HIM because he wanted ME. Who am I to deny someones love right? I would have eventually felt the same; I almost did. I really did care for him. I believed what he told me most of the time and the thought that everything he said could have been a lie is devastating.

 

He said he was never using me or taking advantage of me, but that's how I feel, and it's the worst ever. He used me for everything I had. I gave up so much for him just for him to just lie to me, and act like it was nothing. It's a huge slap in the face. I just can't get over that. I can't get over him thinking I hurt him more. The fact that he is still trying to make me feel bad about my choice and him playing the victim just makes me even more pissed off.

 

I gave him the benefit of the doubt against what everyone was saying, and even against what I saw with my own eyes it hurts soo bad I can't even focus. I'm so confused, and I'm so angry. I should have listened to myself, because now I just feel like a fool

[TaraMaiden]

hardtolove get a grip....!

 

It was only 4 months - what would you be like if it had been 4 years - ?!

 

Stop wallowing.

Really, read your previous post -

 

It's really hard for me to let things go. Especially because I'm so mad at myself for letting it get this far. In my heart I knew something was wrong. I could have stopped everything, instead I convinced myself that everything was going to be fine. I stayed with him even though I didn't trust him and even though I didn't love him. I wanted to be there for HIM because he wanted ME. Who am I to deny someones love right? I would have eventually felt the same; I almost did. I really did care for him. I believed what he told me most of the time and the thought that everything he said could have been a lie is devastating.

 

This wasn't even love.

This was something you desperately wanted to BE love.

You were fabricating a scenario you yearned for. You were artificially manufacturing a relationship because you were desperate to be in one, to be loved to be cared for - so in a way, you were deceiving yourself as much as he was deceiving you.

 

The reason you're so mad, is not only that he lied to you - but that you lied to yourself. And you fell for it.

 

Stop dwelling on it, because really, the one creating this state you're in - is you.

[Yamcha]

Why lie to someone you claim to love about something so serious?

Cause the person in question is lying about loving said someone, and is probably incapable of love in first place. They are worthless.

[TaraMaiden]

Cause the person in question is lying about loving said someone, and is probably incapable of love in first place. They are worthless.

 

Have you any idea what he lied about.....?

[hardtolove]

Ohhh, if it were 4 years I would have been a train wreck... I'm not good at this stuff in the first place. I've never been able to keep bonds with others from a young age, which makes me feel more like I failed. But beyond that I do understand what you're saying.

 

In this situation I didn't know what I wanted at all. I liked the attention I was getting, I liked the way it made me feel to be wanted by someone. I liked that he was actually trying. He put me on this pedestal to everyone. He talked about me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. In turn, I felt like I owed him in some way. That's where I went wrong. I did things in order for him to stay (which I recognize now). I didn't want to lose that love, I liked feeling needed by someone. THAT is what made me feel good about myself. THAT is my self esteem issue.

 

I think this is hitting me harder because I went into it the wrong way from the beginning. I did it for him and not for me and we rushed things. If I was confident about myself and knew my worth, I would have never even had a boyfriend.

 

Instead now I have conflicting emotions. Yes, he hurt me and yes, I'm mad at him for lying to me, but at the same time I feel bad because what I know I was not being true to him either. I too feel guilty about this mess. I definitely played my part in this.

[hardtolove]

@TaraMaiden I just wanted to say thank you for responding once again!

 

I really appreciate it

[TaraMaiden]

Well, it kinda looks like you sat down and evaluated.

Now you know, (although sure, it takes nothing away form his behaviour, which was completely wrong, no denying that) you know that part of this pain is self-inflicted, because you keep kicking yourself in the butt.

 

Okay.

You need to stop that.

There's only so much self-flagellation a person can take.

 

You probably feel a little better about things coming to that realisation, anyway.

Finally admitting to yourself that he goofed, you goofed, goes some way to revealing where the issue lies....

 

Relax.

 

Address what makes you behave in that way.

And examine your own intentions.

Why would you make such efforts to 'create' a relationship when really, your heart's not in it?

 

Leave when you should, not when it's too late....

[hardtolove]

I do feel better, especially after writing it all out. I've been thinking about it over and over for a while now. And perhaps that's a bad thing (thinking about it so much), but I feel like if I can make it right in my head and understand what happened and what led up to it, that I can move past it. But that's just for me personally.

 

But I agree that no contact also does go a long way. I am able to reflect through that. Though it was more difficult to read those messages he sent. It just sent me spiraling backwards into confusion. However, since then I have deleted everything that has to do with him, his number included. And from that last message I don't think I'll hear from him again for a long time.

 

We're better off that way.

[marty7]

you have no vested interest in this relationship, so i would move on. easier to do that now before you vested more time and perhaps kids are involved.

[hardtolove]

I thought I was okay until I saw him the other day. We walked by each other as if we'd never met. I wanted to say hi for some reason, but he didn't look at me this time. I've been ignoring him in public so I guess he's finally got the message to do the same now. Valentines day was icing on the damned cake, I couldn't talk to anyone, I felt like ****. I guess this situation is uglier than I wanted it to be. But I told him we 'could' be friends; that I wanted space(first), why didn't he just listen? Everything would have been okay. Instead he kept contacting me. So now he thinks I hate him because ignored him and don't want to talk to him. He doesn't get it. I'm trying to help 'us'. No contact is the only way. But he doesn't understand. I wish he did because I don't hate him, and everything I ever told him about my feelings was true. I hope he doesn't think I was lying.

 

And I was just thinking and thinking and thinking... I don't think he was trying to hurt me. Maybe he just didn't want to bring up his ex, maybe he thought he WAS telling the truth. He DID get tested (in June, not Jan that was an error), just not after his ex I guess. He obviously trusted her, he didn't think she cheated on him. I think I get it now. But that's no excuse. He really dropped the ball on that one and with me at that. I know I have every right to feel hurt, about our whole situation (how he even acted when I was scared). He was so inconsiderate of the fact I was a virgin. Of course I'm going to be scared and worried, especially knowing your sexual past with an exception of your exes. He would choose that time out all times not to listen to my concerns; to tell me "not to worry about". He listened to me EVERY other time. Not that time. But maybe I should have kept bringing up my concerns, instead of acting like I was okay and avoiding the situation.

 

And maybe I didn't ask enough questions? All I said was:

Did you get tested?

When did you get tested?

 

Maybe he didn't think we were going to do anything like right after that. But then again he initiated it, but then again I wanted it too. Everything happened so fast. I wish we would have waited, but if we did he might still have an STD.

 

I don't know... I guess either way this is just a lose lose for everyone involved. I'm okay now because I feel like he wasn't trying to hurt me, but I'm not trying to hurt him either. But I feel like I've done that, he really did care about me a lot and everyone knew that. He was trying to do all of the right things. But everything is ruined. I wish it weren't, just for his sake because I know he's a good guy, and I didn't give him enough credit and I kept making mistakes. But deep down he should've known I really wasn't ready. I told him so many times. He was so happy when he thought he'd changed my mind. And i was happy because i made him feel like that. But he didn't change my mind. I knew even though I was trying to get serious with him, that I wasn't ready. I cant express my appreciation for him regardless of this situation because he helped me through so much. He was always there for me. That's probably why I miss him a lot now. He'd be helping me get through this right now.

 

I can't get over the way he looked in my eyes the last night we were together. It was that long gaze you see in movies. And he was smiling. He looked so happy then. I haven't seen him smile in so long it hurts. I just wish I could be there for him, I wish I could see him smiling again.

 

Ughh, I thought this was going to be easier to get over because I know how I am, but it's not. This situation is just so twisted that I can't get past it right now. I'm sad and it sucks

[oneofakindguy]

oh oh this sound like what im in rite now....

 

thou im the the guy that who lie to her from the start, but never want to hurt her in anyway. Fast forward, now she been calling daily like were together and such and tell me about her more. and say she really me and want do i miss her too.

 

well i lie to her again about things to make me look good. Thats why she maybe want to know me slowly and start to be friendly with me. Thinking i wont do the same mistake again. Yeah reason i lie her again just to be with her again. I really want someone like her for company and thats the only way there to lie again.

 

Yeah im not asking to be her bf or husband, just want to be in her life and care for her, she really do need someone close to talk about her things, her dad got cancer and schools, running a cafe and many more

 

i want to be the man to support her in anyway. I lie in the 1st place just to meet her, if i didnt lie anything we wouldnt even know each other. We both really happy and love the sex with each other.

 

 

Yeah now she treating me like her bf and last friday we had sex, and want get to know each other slowly. I really dont mind not being her anything. As i said just want to care for her. Yeah if we ever get to a point to get serious and i'll sure disappoint again

 

 

Yeah im lost into it, well i rather her not miss me or anything so i'll stop trying and hope she good. But things have gone my way again. So now i just want to stay on her side for her down times, since she need someone, so much things is happening at moment in her parts so i cant just leave her.