Quest Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Been dating a guy a few weeks who I really like. Last week we had a great night out and it was romantic - we had a good time. Since then he's been distant. Today he had me round to his place for food and then we out to something. But the whole time he was completely unromantic and avoided touching me at all. It felt like I was being put into the friend zone. I left and he didn't bother to see me out - it was just like I was some neighbour who had dropped in. Later he sends a warm text with a kiss (doesn't normally do that). I left feeling like I'd messed around and I didn't want to see him again because of it. A male friend tells me he was trying to end it and didn't have the guts to do it properly so just tried to relegate me into being a friend. I'd really liked it to have continued as a relationship. Is my friend right and do I just walk away? (I don't think I could be this guy's friend at the moment as I'm too hurt.)
ja123 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that this guy is blowing cold on you. It does sound like he's put you in the friend-zone. I'd not contact him. If he sends a text you can perhaps briefly respond. But, I'd withdraw and see if he comes forward with an offer of a date. I wouldn't hold my breath, however. Look for other men to meet. Men who show genuine and consistent interest in you. Men who will return your affection and romantic desire.
Author Quest Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Thanks. Worst thing is wondering why he's suddenly doing this when last time we met it was really good. Why the sudden change? But will back off as feel really angry - as if he set the whole thing up today to make this point to me.
ja123 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 That's one of life's wicked mysteries, to know what's in another's mind! How many times I've wondered why a someone didn't return my affections. If it's early days, I try not to ask myself that anymore. If it's been longer, then I might actually ask. Now, I try to accept, and have faith that when I'm ready then the right person will come into my life. Hang in there! 1
Author Quest Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 I was cautious to begin with because I've had this happen before and wanted to be sure he was really interested before things got too involved. I've kept texts and calls fairly short and friendly and now I'm wondering if the problem was I was too distant and that's put him off. But it seems the minute I showed I was interested he's gone off me altogether. It happened early on too but that time he backed off and then became all romantic again when I didn't make a fuss about it. Today it was if he'd engineered the whole date to let me down without actually saying it in so many words. Then he goes and tops the whole thing off by sending a fairly warm and loving text after letting me leave his place like some old friend who'd dropped by for a coffee. I haven't responded to the text but do you think the problem is I was fairly casual for a long time? I just can't get this stuff right ... in the past I've been a lot more up front and got dumped. This time I took my time and still got the cold treatment. Aargh.
Author Quest Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 I'm beginning to wonder if I was too cautious to begin with and that's what's put him off. But it seems like when I began to think he's genuine and to start being a bit more available he's backed off completely. He did this early on but when I didn't make a fuss about it he became all romantic again. This time it was as if he'd engineered the whole date to 'show' me he wasn't interested in me romantically - and then he went sent a warmer text than he usually does after he'd let me leave his house like a casual friend who'd dropped by for coffee. (This after a really romantic, fun date the last time we met.) I was only cautious because I wanted to be sure before getting involved and all I did was keep texts and calls friendly and fairly short but maybe this was the problem?
ja123 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 No, I don't think you've been too distant. You had a nice, romantic time with him last time, and he knows you are interested. You want to have your needs met, and that does not include being treated like a friend who dropped by for coffee. You want to know that he feels the same about you, as you do about him before you invest anymore time and emotion. And so you should! Being upfront isn't always bad, even if you got dumped, as you got a clear answer. What's confusing about this is that he sends you a lovey-dovey text afterwards. So, yes, he's messing with you; though, he's probably not conscious of it. Here a couple of articles on guys who blow hot-and-cold. I hope it helps. Why do men blow hot and cold? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Why There?s No Point Being With Somebody Who Blows Hot & Cold | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue
veggirl Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 If it's only been a few weeks, I see nothing wrong with keeping your calls shorter and whatnot. It's gradually getting to know someone, not jumping in blindly with both feet. it's a smart idea. It was just one night. It could be lots of things, I wouldn't write him off because of one night. If it becomes a pattern then you have a problem. But just one night? The follow-up text makes it seem like he felt bad about how he treated you, regretful in a way, so he was trying to make up for it. I would try to relax, how often do you guys talk? if it is daily, see what happens tomorrow. Leave the ball in his court for now, see what he does now before you jump to any conclusion. eta: do you know what he is looking for? (relationship?)
Author Quest Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 No, I don't think you've been too distant. You had a nice, romantic time with him last time, and he knows you are interested. You want to have your needs met, and that does not include being treated like a friend who dropped by for coffee. You want to know that he feels the same about you, as you do about him before you invest anymore time and emotion. And so you should! Being upfront isn't always bad, even if you got dumped, as you got a clear answer. What's confusing about this is that he sends you a lovey-dovey text afterwards. So, yes, he's messing with you; though, he's probably not conscious of it. Here a couple of articles on guys who blow hot-and-cold. I hope it helps. Why do men blow hot and cold? | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Why There?s No Point Being With Somebody Who Blows Hot & Cold | Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue Thanks ja. It wasn't so much a lovey-dovey text as untypical and completely inconsistent with the rest of the day. It was untypical in that he signed it with a kiss and inconsistent with the rest of the day in that he did not touch me more than about once and spent a fair bit of time backing out of arrangements we had talked about and saying he wasn't keen to do things I mentioned. It wasn't that he wasn't saying he wouldn't do anything ever again with me, more that he was unenthusiastic and a bit disinterested, plus if he was interested at all it was in a 'let's be friends' way. I would definitely have preferred it if he'd just been upfront but it felt like he didn't have the nerve for that and didn't want to fall out with me - why else wouldn't he just have pulled out of the date altogether. We have acquaintances in common, I guess, which is part of the reason maybe? And probably he just felt bad about it? Thanks for those links - a bit depressing but do recognise the traits.
Author Quest Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 If it's only been a few weeks, I see nothing wrong with keeping your calls shorter and whatnot. It's gradually getting to know someone, not jumping in blindly with both feet. it's a smart idea.?) I kind of thought so too but even with a bit of caution it still feels rough when he cools off. It was just one night. It could be lots of things, I wouldn't write him off because of one night. If it becomes a pattern then you have a problem. But just one night? ? Well, he did the same a previous time we got more romantic. He got all distant, didn't get in touch as much etc. Then we went out again and had a good time. All very romantic again. That was last week. Since then he's been pretty cool but kept in touch and then today just treated me like an old college friend or something and barely even kissed me as I left, despite all the romance last week. The follow-up text makes it seem like he felt bad about how he treated you, regretful in a way, so he was trying to make up for it. A male friend said it was probably just his conscience - he felt bad because he hadn't been nice, not that he regretted putting me in the friend zone, which was what he set out to do. Does that sound right to you? I would try to relax, how often do you guys talk? if it is daily, see what happens tomorrow. Leave the ball in his court for now, see what he does now before you jump to any conclusion. eta: do you know what he is looking for? (relationship?) Never talked daily - just randomly and last week hardly at all. All very short texts with increasing time between his. Hadn't had much of a chat about what he was looking for except that he would see how it went (said when we first started dating). At that point that was fine by me. But since then he has dropped the odd thing into the conversation that he is 'enjoying his freedom' which apparently means from his past relationship.
SJC2008 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Did yall meet online? Have yall slept together? It doesn't look good but it could me a million things, including rejection too unfortunatley. On my 3rd date I was VERY distant on our date I didn't even make physical contact with her until the end when we were walking to our car. And when I dropped her off and we got out I said "Give me a kiss" in a "Oh yeah" manner. BUT in my situation it was in my head becuase I didn't want to scare her away because she wasn't looking for anything serious so there IS a reason to his behavior but hopefully it's not that he's not into you. I'd back off for a couple days then contact him.
Author Quest Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Did yall meet online? Have yall slept together?. Hi. No and no. We met through friends and we haven't slept together. I was really sure I didn't want to rush into anything and now it seems like he doesn't even want to get physical at all. It doesn't look good but it could me a million things, including rejection too unfortunatley. On my 3rd date I was VERY distant on our date I didn't even make physical contact with her until the end when we were walking to our car. And when I dropped her off and we got out I said "Give me a kiss" in a "Oh yeah" manner. BUT in my situation it was in my head becuase I didn't want to scare her away because she wasn't looking for anything serious so there IS a reason to his behavior but hopefully it's not that he's not into you. I'd back off for a couple days then contact him. I'm definitely backing off but I'm not sure I want to contact him and get more rejection. He made it really clear yesterday he didn't want to touch me or kiss me, other than a quick peck on the lips, but last week it was completely different. It feels right now that he just wants to have me around - otherwise why see me at all - but not be involved, maybe because he wants to see other people, I don't know. Maybe I was a bit too cool with him, but I didn't want to rush into it as that's never worked for me before, and anyway, I liked him and wanted to get to know him as a person first. Seems like he wants to know me as person and not much else!
SJC2008 Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 How many dates have yall been on? What did was yalls first kiss? When he had you over his place on your last date was it your first time there? If it was there's a good chance he was nervous and that's why he sen that kiss text later. He might of thought he blew it.
Author Quest Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 How many dates have yall been on? What did was yalls first kiss? When he had you over his place on your last date was it your first time there? If it was there's a good chance he was nervous and that's why he sen that kiss text later. He might of thought he blew it. When we met on Saturday it was the fifth time we'd met up - he was away for some of the past month and so was I. We first kissed on our third date, I think, and that was the first time I'd been to his place. So it was very different this time when I went to his place - no attempt to kiss me at all. Plus, it was daytime this time, not evening. He didn't seem nervous and didn't seem very anxious for me to stay late - he was kind of expecting me to have other plans for the evening so I just went. It felt horrible.
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 So it was very different this time when I went to his place - no attempt to kiss me at all. Plus, it was daytime this time, not evening. He didn't seem nervous and didn't seem very anxious for me to stay late - he was kind of expecting me to have other plans for the evening so I just went. It felt horrible. Ouch, sounds painful, I feel for you. I've been in a similar situation in the past, and I can tell you if it starts off bad, it ends even worse. You could spend another 2, 3 months doing the whole push-pull routine, but why..? This thing you've got going with this guy doesn't sound like it's worth the time and effort to be fair
Author Quest Posted February 12, 2013 Author Posted February 12, 2013 Ouch, sounds painful, I feel for you. I've been in a similar situation in the past, and I can tell you if it starts off bad, it ends even worse. You could spend another 2, 3 months doing the whole push-pull routine, but why..? This thing you've got going with this guy doesn't sound like it's worth the time and effort to be fair Thanks RebelWithoutACause. That kind of sums hp how I'm feeling about it right now. He left two messages last night - finally. One on my home, one on my cell - straight after eachother. Just said, "Wondering how you're doing ... can't remember when it is you're going away ..." (I am out of town at the end of the week as he well knows - we discussed the dates a few times.) I haven't replied because I think that's just going to be sending the signal that I'm up for more of this push-pull routine and I'm not. Like you, I've been here before, but not so early in a relationship. If it's like this now, I can't see any hope at all. And I don't want to feel like I did on Saturday again. I'm still angry about it. Previous date, all romantic, dinner, show, drink, kissing ... then this. Can't see why he wanted to meet up with me again at all, or why he's even bothered to phone but I guess it's all part of his hot-cold routine. I'm out of there. But thanks for all your support everyone!
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 12, 2013 Posted February 12, 2013 Yes, the begining of a relationship is when they are supposed to be on their best behaviour. If he's displaying this kind of inconsistency, this early on, it's time to bail. I didn't listen to my own advice in the past, and hung around for months, only to receive more of the same treatment. I hope you are strong enough to walk away from this unhealthy dinamic now. BTW, if he finds out you are planning to jump ship, don't be surprised if he starts persuing you again. Don't give in. It's not a genuine interest, it's more of the same hot-cold bull he's been pulling before. Good luck.
Author Quest Posted February 13, 2013 Author Posted February 13, 2013 Yes, the begining of a relationship is when they are supposed to be on their best behaviour. If he's displaying this kind of inconsistency, this early on, it's time to bail. I didn't listen to my own advice in the past, and hung around for months, only to receive more of the same treatment. I hope you are strong enough to walk away from this unhealthy dinamic now. BTW, if he finds out you are planning to jump ship, don't be surprised if he starts persuing you again. Don't give in. It's not a genuine interest, it's more of the same hot-cold bull he's been pulling before. Good luck. So got a text day asking if I was okay. Had accidently called his cell yesterday and maybe he saw the call. Damn. Anyways, just texted I was okay - so that he doesn't keep texting or making me out to look like some damsel in distress. Have not replied to his calls and don't intend to. I have bailed as far as I am concerned. Just got to make sure sure I don't get drawn into any of his 'hot phases'. Like you, I know the drill. It is hard, though, to keep strong with these guys. They are master manipulators. But I think he's probably got others on the go, which hurts in one way, but means he might too busy to bother the push - pull with me.
spiderowl Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Yes, walk away if he's treating you like that. Whatever his reasons are, the end result is the same - you feel hurt and messed about. Trust your feelings; they are telling you something important about him.
SJC2008 Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Yall had only been dating a few weeks and he went out of town for a while and now you're out of town. Yall didn't kiss till the 3rd date and haven't had sex yet so I don't see a "hot/cold" game here. He was distant on his last date that's 1 out of 5 dates. I'm not sticking up for him, I'm not in the situation. I'd return his call and tell him you felt he was distant on the last date and let him give his side of the story. You both seem busy and you admit to not wanting to come on strong (in other words) so for all we know you may be ships passing in the night right now. If you think it's worth it to try and clarify things call him back and ask him about the 5th date.
Author Quest Posted February 14, 2013 Author Posted February 14, 2013 Yall had only been dating a few weeks and he went out of town for a while and now you're out of town. Yall didn't kiss till the 3rd date and haven't had sex yet so I don't see a "hot/cold" game here. He was distant on his last date that's 1 out of 5 dates. I'm not sticking up for him, I'm not in the situation. I'd return his call and tell him you felt he was distant on the last date and let him give his side of the story. You both seem busy and you admit to not wanting to come on strong (in other words) so for all we know you may be ships passing in the night right now. If you think it's worth it to try and clarify things call him back and ask him about the 5th date. Aargh. This makes me think I've done the wrong thing. Have thought of all this but I'm really reluctant to give him a chance because of past experience of this sort of thing. I know it's only a few dates but I came out of his apartment feeling horrible after last Saturday. I've backed right off now although I did text him back a brief 'I'm okay thanks' yesterday. He mentioned a few times when we were out that he's really enjoying being 'free' after a long relationship ended a year or so ago. That has also been playing on my mind. Just feel if I keep seeing him I'll be saying it's okay to be hot one day and cold another. Help!
RebelWithoutACause Posted February 14, 2013 Posted February 14, 2013 Aargh. This makes me think I've done the wrong thing. Have thought of all this but I'm really reluctant to give him a chance because of past experience of this sort of thing. I know it's only a few dates but I came out of his apartment feeling horrible after last Saturday. I've backed right off now although I did text him back a brief 'I'm okay thanks' yesterday. He mentioned a few times when we were out that he's really enjoying being 'free' after a long relationship ended a year or so ago. That has also been playing on my mind. Just feel if I keep seeing him I'll be saying it's okay to be hot one day and cold another. Help! Yeah, the "being free" thing is a red flag. Doesn't sound like a guy who's particularly bothered to be your boyfriend. If he's so lukewarm now, I doubt he'll get any hotter. Of course you can see how this plays out. Just don't get your hopes up.
Author Quest Posted February 16, 2013 Author Posted February 16, 2013 Yeah, the "being free" thing is a red flag. Doesn't sound like a guy who's particularly bothered to be your boyfriend. If he's so lukewarm now, I doubt he'll get any hotter. Of course you can see how this plays out. Just don't get your hopes up. Surprise, surprise - he got in touch, anxious that I was annoyed and then when I told him I was a bit confused by pushing he said he wanted to be my buddy but wasn't ruling out romance in the future. The kissing had been a mistake, didn't mean anything, he got caught up in the moment ... Thank goodness I got onto this early and didn't spend months being driven crazy. The thing is ... I wouldn't even want romance with him now anyway, or a friendship because there's no trust ... Hurts a bit but less than it did.
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