How to stay positive and not wonder whats wrong with oneself?

[kaylan]

I really dont know what it is lately. Normally when I have lulls in my dating life, I take it in stride and am rather optimistic. Personally I think Im still shell-shocked how things ended around New Years with that girl I really liked. Like, dating should be fun, and exciting, and as an intelligent, passionate, educated, funny, and decent looking fellow...Id have expected my post college 20s to be my prime dating years.

 

But tbh...how much longer can I blame my suburban location, or wonder if somethings up with the women around here. As of now Im just wondering whats wrong with me. I used to just think I was simply not much attractive to many girls, sometimes Ill till wonder if Im ugly to many people...or what I could do to make myself look better physically.

 

But then I date a girl in December who makes me feel spectacular about how I look...and I always have my friends telling me what great shape Im in...or finding out about a gal here or there who finds me cute. One really cool chick in particular that I didnt really pursue when I could have because the age gap (6 years younger) bothered me.

 

But anyways, when things failed with December girl, Im left wondering if I really do look weird...or if its not that...what is it about my personality and character that makes me unable to have a girl really like me and stick by me. If she told me Im a catch, whyd she bail? My ex said and did the same thing.

 

Sometimes I just feel hurt thinking no one wants me...because even when people do want me, I get tossed aside.

 

I just feel super confused by it all. Either I feel rejected as not being attractive enough for someone to hook up with. Or Im good enough to hook up with and Im rejected and not taken a bf material. Or Im told Im sexy and would make a great bf, but Im still rejected anyways. Im usually so optimistic about these things...and always figured Ive got a lot going for me and its those girls loss....but how long must I deal with this crap.

 

Its really worn down my armor. Im tired of not being good enough for whatever reason. And its started to make me feel cynical about all this. That even if I find someone who I like and who likes me, that it wont last long anyways.

 

And using OLD hasnt really helped. Its only gotten me bad dates, talks with dumb or flaky girls, or straight up ignored by a lot of women. So if I cant get any attention there, and Im supposedly a cute dude, in good shape, whos got a good head on his shoulders and knows how to treat gals....am I really any of that if Im doing to lamely in dating....esp when Im supposed to be in my young dating prime?

 

It makes me sad, but at the same time very angry...like no one values me...and the people who do, only selfishly value me and toss me aside. I just need to find a way to get back into my optimistic mindset. Id like to think a change of scenery will make things different for me...but its hard to feel like itll do any good. Plus, its kinda like admitting defeat.

[lovesickpuppy]

I feel that way sometimes, honestly it's one of the worst. I swear sometimes I let it get to me so bad that I look like that forever alone meme. Anyway, I guess the best way to stay positive is to start thinking positive, appreciating the finer things in life. You need to be happy with yourself and to be quite honest, it doesn't seem like you are.

I know it's hard, but you need to try and stop thinking so negatively, stop focusing on what might be wrong with you and focus what is right!

How old are you? You seem pretty young, don't worry I've been told many a times that life takes you on a million journeys and I'm pretty sure, somewhere along the way you'll find someone that will stay with you, appreciate you, and make you truly happy. In the mean time, get out there and enjoy yourself.

Mmm yeah, you can tell I'm in one of those good moods tonight where I think '**** yeah, I love my life, to hell with dating, I'll find someone later on'!

Ha well, I hope this post made you laugh/smile/feel better about the fact that you're not a loser like me!

[normal person]

If she told me Im a catch, whyd she bail? My ex said and did the same thing.

 

 

You sound like a great guy. I actually admire your proactive approach to the problem, it's kind of refreshing when most of the other threads I see are just complaints about why people don't like them.

 

Here's the thing, it's common to be a great catch and still not be right for someone. You can't just sit a male doctor and a female doctor down at the dinner table and assume they're going to hit it off and get married. I look around and I see tons of girls with amazing qualities but if she doesn't have a sense of humor, have a similar outlook, values, etc, I know it's not going to work so I don't bother.

 

And yeah, like you said, it's possible you could be limited by suburbia or other stuff like that. The smaller the pool, the smaller your chance of success. But really my advice is not try not to see your successes/failures as indicators of your worth. Everyone fails and has bad relationships or struggles at some point. I can tell you're a sensible person with a good head on his shoulders. I would encourage you to look through the lens of trying to find someone who's "right" for you (who meshes with your personality), not merely "good" or accomplished. You're going to get a skewed image of yourself if you let the subjectivity other people be the judge.

Edited February 9, 2013 by normal person

[ThaWholigan]

When my dad taught me how to meditate, it had the added effect of being able to monitor my emotions without completely succumbing to them and letting them dictate my being.

 

I have an underlying impulsive nature that betrays my normally analytical stance on life. It can lead to ones emotions dominating over a balanced perspective. So I would probably learn how to do that so that you can objectively.

 

Outside of that - it's easy to get caught up in the doubts that your own mind creates about yourself, I know that much. You know yourself what your strengths are and what any weaknesses you do have and are probably on your way to learning how to work with them if you haven't already. The key, as I often say, is acceptance. You know that you have lulls in dating, or that occasionally someone who should see you as a catch doesn't for some reason that goes beyond conventional reasoning. You accept that, and even accept that you have doubts, you will go some way to attaining perhaps not a "positive" mentality, but a balanced one .

[Mrlonelyone]

I wish I could tell you how to become positive. Here are two suggestions.

 

Purposefully take a long dating hiatus. Just don't date. Don't even try to date. Don't even think about dating. Completely accept that right now it's just not working for you.

 

Make a drastic change of scenery. Change jobs, change states, even consider a new country. A clean fresh start only keeping contact with family and really truly close friends. Otherwise just make a clean break with the hurtful past.

 

 

 

Taking a dating break for so many months or years allows you to heal and for new people to enter your area. Maybe one of those new people will be more right for you. Making a clean break and moving brings you a whole new slew of people to get to know. The act of looking for new friends might lead you to finding a good girlfriend.

 

If what I've got going for myself now doesn't work that's all I'm going to do. I'll just stop dating for a while and/or find a job someplace far away and move.

[Ruby Slippers]

First of all, if you're still feeling down after your breakup, I recommend doing something to get those emotions out - writing, playing music, running, working out, venting, whatever you need to do. It's very therapeutic, and it always amazes me how just a little bit of emotional purging can get me unstuck fast.

 

From your post, I gather that a girl's feelings about you can strongly influence how you see yourself, good or bad. I relate to that, because I used to have pretty weak self-esteem without the attention and validation of a man. I'm sure you're aware that being in that state only distorts clear decision-making. You can't rely on women to make you have a good self-image. That only ever comes from within.

 

I think one of the healthiest ways to build self-esteem is to have people in your life who truly value you as a person - friends who respect you, turn to you for advice. Volunteering for a while can be a great way to get in touch with your real inner qualities. I used to work with homeless kids, and those kids see through all the bull crap and have an uncanny way of identifying what's unique and good about people.

 

I've found that all the time I spent feeling sorry for myself, down on myself, negative about life, is basically wasted time. Nobody's made of iron, and we've all got to wallow sometimes. But don't do it for too long. All it does is keep you right where you are, and make it worse because you're obsessing over it. I'm sure you could make a long list of sterling qualities about yourself as a human being right now - external and internal qualities. I think when you feel and express gratitude for all the good things in your life, they expand and multiply. I have tested this over and over, on many different fronts - money, health, sex appeal, career success, and on and on.

 

Try something new, even something small. Every time I push myself out of my comfort zone, even if it's scary and even if it's awkward, it is ALWAYS worth it. I always grow as a person and build my confidence. And EVERY time I ask myself, "What was I waiting for?! What was I so afraid of?"

 

It's so true that the only thing we have to fear... is fear itself.

[kaylan]

Thanks everyone for the advice.

 

And Ruby, Im over that breakup for the most part...it was just kinda icing on a bad tasting cake for me. And I was totally surprised by the whole thing. I thought I was in control of that situation and in the end I wasnt.

 

I am gonna try doing new things now to kinda diversify my life experiences and see what happens. Its just sometimes hard not to wonder about these things--I just always kinda thought things would be easier...especially when Im not a toolbag and know what I want in a woman. Just seems to be a shortage of people I click with out there I guess.