8radient8 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Ok, first off, hello everyone So, I dated this guy for 3 years, and I ended the relationship after months and months of trying to get him to get a job (we were musicians and had a studio where people paid us to record, but he kept all of the money and blew it on pot or other stupid things and I never saw a dime). Also, he was very selfish and almost a brick wall when it came to emotions. Fast forward almost 4 years later, I am in a relationship with a new guy. We have been together for almost 3 years. This boy worships the ground I walk on. I feel like that he is the guy I have always dreamed of and that every girl deserves! He just moved in my apartment with me about a month ago. About three or four days ago, I dreamt he and I were getting married. All of a sudden, I got cold feet and jumped down this sort of rabbit hole (very Alice in Wonderland) and came out the other end to my ex's imaginary new home (I cut all ties with him about a week after I finally left) where he was sitting on the couch. He looks over at me, smiles, and runs to embrace me. I end up staying with him over my new bf. Point is, dreams are stupid and it probably had no meaning, but all of a sudden I am obsessed with my ex. Like driven mad! I don't know what to do, and I don't want to hurt my new bf, but it's almost to the point that I don't want anything to do with him bc my head is so madly in love with this ex who I haven't had any contact with in years. What do I do? This is so unfair... Has anyone else had this problem?
Author 8radient8 Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 (edited) I have this really strong urge to contact the ex, which I haven't done obviously because I know it's a bad idea. I just can't seem to shake it. Edited February 9, 2013 by 8radient8 Misspell
Author 8radient8 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 I guess I just thought this was a good forum as I have seen so many others receive help and encouragement. It did make me feel a little better to unload all of that, but now I feel worse because no one has replied, so I feel like it's impossible- that no one will ever really get over their ex. It's been at least two years of being thought-free, and now for it to come back and hit me like a ton of bricks is just discouraging. Does this feeling of love and obsession really, truly never leave?!
H3Drvr Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Your current relationship is just moving on to the next level. I'm sure it's a lot of stress an maybe your just getting some cold feet. If the guy your with has been treating you great and he makes you happy, why worry about something that far into your past? I say calm down, think of what you have now and think about what could make it even better. I don't know if you have had any type if contact with your ex in the past years but do you really think reigniting that past flame would improve your life?
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Okay - you're being a bit of an idiot, actually. I think nobody replied because they may all have been thinking... "WTF?? Get the hell outta here! You have one stupid dumb dream and suddenly, you're prepared to put your whole life into turmoil...? Just because of a stupid dumb dream?? Get a grip!!" Or....words..... very much to that effect. It's very rare to dream about the person you're actually with - because you're with them, and you see them, so they often don't appear in your dreams.... as themselves. I've had a dream where I knew the person, without question, without a shadow of a doubt, was my ex husband - but it looked nothing like him. He had someone else's face on, and was a completely different shape. Yet in my dream, it was indubitably him. Did you know, by the way, that our minds cannot 'invent' a face? Any person we dream about, is someone who has actually entered within our field of visual perception. In other words, we must first have seen them, in order to be able to dream about them. Even if only for an instant. A passer-by, a fellow shopper, someone who filled our gas tank.... I dreamt I had sex with a young assistant at a garden centre once. All he did was get me a bag of tulip bulbs from a top hook, they were hanging on. he was much younger than I, a young college kid on weekend work, I would guess.... Young enough to certainly be my son, and someone I would never have given a second glance to. But that night, we were going at it like rabbits. Quit being an idiot.
Author 8radient8 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Yeah, I know.. It sounds pretty stupid. I'm a fairly intelligent girl, and I know it was just a dream. I just wish that seeing that smug grin of his after so many years wouldn't have me so worked up. Is it because I never really got closure? Because the day I left, I LEFT and never looked back? Idk and it all really is stupid...but if I could have come up with some sort of solution to get this jerk out of my head, I wouldn't be posting on an online site about it all :/ I really just wanted to know if this sort of thing was common, whether it be a dream, or a song, or something sentimental, that brings back a rush of emotions like that? And when it DOES happen, how you can force those feelings out of your mind all over again. If I can figure all of this out, then, quite possibly, I could help someone else down the road.
Author 8radient8 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 I am fairly happy with this new guy- he's cheated a few times and it's something we have worked on. Other than infidelity, and occasionally hd has put his hands on me (he has seizures and tends to be violent before one, though very rare) he's been great. But, as strange as it sounds, I began dating him because he was 100% the complete opposite of my ex...everything. I can't explain it really.. But I fell in love along the way, and I truly believe he is the one I am supposed to be with. I KNOW it. I just can't seem to shake the ex all of a sudden. And to me, these thoughts make me feel unfaithful. I have never cheated on him, not so much as a fleeting thought of someone else while in the bedroom, a "fantasy" if you will. I'm just so confused by it all. I don't necessarily want to leave my bf, no matter how intense my feelings get for the ex. I sort of just want to check up on my ex...but even that feels like cheating to me. This sort of "what if" or "what might have been" game has really got me messed up. Today, I was in my car driving and the song that got me over the breakup came on, and I literally imagined my ex was sitting next to me and I was singing the song to him. I thought it would help. But halfway through the song, I realized I no longer hold that resentment towards him. I barely remember even feeling that way or the emotions that held menso close to that song. I'm being so stupid, I know. So, so stupid. Maybe it's just something that will pass with time. I just have no one here to talk to, and it helps me to sort out my mind just by putting it all into words. I am too stubborn to contact my ex anyways. No matter how much I may think about it. I just want him gone...:/
H3Drvr Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Ummm infidelity and abuse is a pretty important piece if information you left out from the current bf. Efff the love!!! No man that loves you should be laying a hand on you! If this type if behavior is continuing you should reconsider your current relationship. I'm not saying you should go back to your ex, but maybe you should seriously consider leaving the current one.
Author 8radient8 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 I know.. I have been around abusive relationships my whole life, and always said "never me". It's not very often, and like I said, is seizure related. I have a very low tolerance for abusive men, after years of struggle with my mom, and if I thought I was in danger for one instant, I would not be here today. When he has seizures, for about an hour prior to the seizure, he's almost a completely different person. It's like he shuts off and his brain goes into autopilot, and as he is trying to fight it, little things frustrate him. The first time I experienced it, I asked him to count change on a table, and when I came back from the shower, he still had the first quarter in his hand and looked very confused. I asked him how much was there, and got no answer. I was a little aggravated because we were in a hurry, and asked him what his problem was, and it was like he just snapped and he grabbed a handful of change and threw it as hard as he could, and it cut my face. Well, that was an emotional day.. I called his mom and told her to come get him because I guess he snapped out of it and realized what he did, and refused to leave until I listened to him. When his mom got there she sat me down and explained it all to me. Now, three years later, I have personally monitored his medicine and I know when he is going to have a seizure. They are very rare now, going from twice a week when I met him to not having one in almost three months after having his medicine "upped". I know this is a long post about him, but I do not want anyone getting the wrong impression. I have had absolutely no tolerance for domestic violence in my adult life. I stated it earlier only to show that we have worked through a lot together. The cheating, well, that one I don't understand. But my ex cheated, as well as practically every guy that I am currently friends with. I almost believe that to be normal.. I have yet to meet a guy who has not cheated, even if it was as innocent as talking to some girl on the Internet whom they would have never met. I do not condone it, and it hurts beyond measure, but I feel like it is something that will come up in every relationship. Maybe that sounds crazy...and it probably is. I just have yet to be proven wrong there.
H3Drvr Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 The cheating, well, that one I don't understand. But my ex cheated, as well as practically every guy that I am currently friends with. I almost believe that to be normal.. I have yet to meet a guy who has not cheated, even if it was as innocent as talking to some girl on the Internet whom they would have never met. I do not condone it, and it hurts beyond measure, but I feel like it is something that will come up in every relationship. Maybe that sounds crazy...and it probably is. I just have yet to be proven wrong there. Well...I guess I really can't comment on whether the incidents you mentioned can be construed as intentional physical abuse. But in any case, I still believe that doing anything intentional that might physically harm a loved one is inexcusable. As for cheating, by your definition I've cheated on ALL my relationships. AND I've prided myself for never having cheated on anyone. Even when I'm in a relationship, I've fantasized about other girls, watched porn and maybe the occasional flirting. But I've never acted on any of them. I strongly believe that if you feel that you need multiple partners in a relationship to satisfy ones needs, then don't be in one, be single and satisfy your brains out with as many people as you want. Lol Cheating when you're in a commited relationship should be the exception (if even) and not the norm. As for getting your ex out of your mind...maybe it's something deeper then actually a sign of you wanting him back. Maybe it's your mind telling you to re-evaluate your current situation. It's not necessarily a sign that means you should make contact with him again. And even if you did, I probably wouldn't consider it cheating...unless of course you acted on it.
RogerWallace111 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 (edited) Im curious, just for kicks: Set aside factual, "logic" based issues of compatibility, treatment, etc, and being completely honest with yourself, is the connection/love deeper with your current boyfriend than it was with the ex ? Really, deep in your heart... It often seems a person will leave someone who they have a uniquely special bond with and love for reasons along the lines of yours with your ex- lack of career/financial success, or they feel the person's less mature than them, whatever it might be. Then they'll find someone new, who on paper seems like a huge upgrade, and is often the "opposite" of their former love. Yet, it seems that often times the love, "spark", connection, chemistry, whatever you want to call it, just doesn't measure up. The new guy/girl is often more stable, dependable, etc, but at the end of the day it's lacking something the old relationship had. Don't get me wrong- compatibility, being treated well, etc are crucial. But the love should be just as deep and special as what you had with your last partner, otherwise you're just kind of lying to yourself. The best of both worlds is worth looking and waiting for. Going for someone who's more stable and compromising on the actual love is not wise in the long run. It sounds like, in your case, you really legitimately know your current man is the one for you, but I just thought I'd ask... People are able to convince themselves of things and lie to themselves for years so it's worth really looking inside yourself. Edited February 11, 2013 by RogerWallace111
Author 8radient8 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Hmm, you know, you make a good point. I do know that I love him. But during the first year and a half, when that spark would start to fade, I would tell myself that I was never going to find better. I was also really his first gf, and there were a lot of kinks to work out, but I believe that we have a very strong foundation and mutual appreciation for each other. It's almost that storybook romance everyone wishes for. We make a great team in almost every obstacle. A friend's comment- "the perfect team". The love I felt for my ex, who was my first co-habitation, I firmly believe was really just an obsession with trying to get him to love me. I grew up believing that I would find Prince Charming, and that as long as I did my part he would love me forever- and as much as I wanted to believe that was him, it was not. He had been "babied" his whole life, and I assume that that's why he kept me around..I was a perfectly obedient servant. But back to your post, I asked my grandmother once about life lessons. She told me to find a rich man because you can learn to love anyone. Now, as harsh as it sounds, the older I get it seems to make more sense. I'm not saying I agree with the rich part (my bf and I work at the same place, and I have a higher title). But I do believe that you can learn to love anyone, with a little time and patience. Whether or not this is true in my case, well I couldn't really tell you. But I found a man that has evey quality that I dreamt about as a child, and he says I'm everything he wanted. I don't know if you believe in fate, but I honestly do. After I left my ex, I moved to the other side of the state. I don't even know why, just a spur of the moment move. One night, I met him at a mutual friend's party and on the very first night we were finishing each other's sentences. I hadnt felt well leading up to the party, and he had almost gone on a date that night, but we both felt compelled to go for some reason. And though I had been on a ton of blind dates after the breakup, it was meeting him that ignited something in me, that woke up the soul that was sleeping after all of my heartache. I may sound crazy, but I do believe that maybe I was supposed to be with my ex to appreciate what was about to be given to me. I do believe that God or whatever power there may be intended for me to meet him...fate.
Author 8radient8 Posted February 11, 2013 Author Posted February 11, 2013 Sorry, as I go back and read through all of this, I realize that I sometimes tend to write novels, lol. There are just so many complex things that play into all of this, and I'm a pretty insightful person. It's hard to take something so dimensional and explain it in one tiny post. So again, I apologize to whoever actually took the time to read all of this something I thought of after I posted: There was an element of excitement with the ex that i don't currently have. He was the boy from the wrong side of the tracks, always in trouble..bad boy if you will. My current boyfriend is the sweetest, most genuine person you would ever meet. No law-breaking, only a helping hand. Maybe I am just missing the carefree craziness of my youth. I met the ex when I was 18, fresh out into the world, and left after my 21st birthday. I have been with my current guy from 22-25. It might not seem like much, but there is a drastic change in maturity in those age groups. Like I said, maybe all of this stuff being stirred up about my ex is just part of adjusting to settling down. Hmm...so many thoughts!
H3Drvr Posted February 11, 2013 Posted February 11, 2013 Funny you mention fate and higher power. I was born catholic and my mom was fairly religious in that she used to drag me with her to church every Sunday when I was a child. I even attended a Christian private school where we were basically forced to attend mass. After I became an "adult" and able to make my own decisions, the only time I would be in a church was either for a christening, wedding or funeral. I always believed that there is a higher power but my logical and scientific outlook in life took over and has made me believe more in the theory of evolution. I haven't stepped into a church for many years. I've been a "bad boy" for many of those years and have made some questionable decisions and choices; overall I would say that I've tried to keep my immoral actions in line as much as possible. So with my recent breakup, I've been at a loss. I needed some peace in my head and heart. So for the past 3 weeks I've been finding myself in a church. I don't even know what denomination it is, all I know is that it's a church, it's peaceful and I can talk with the man one on one. I don't even go when there are people there, I prefer the quiet solitude. I ask all the usual requests, "please bring her back...let us fall in love again...I promise I'll be good...I'll do anything you ask me too". But now I've added a simple request of just wishing that my head and heart finds some type of solace and that i get some help to find some inner strength to get me through all this. It's done a ton of wonders in easing the death of my relationship. I don't know if this is a direct intervention from the man or maybe the fact that I've come to terms with myself and that the failure of the relationship wasn't my fault. Am I religious nut? Far from it...Sometimes i think i might burst into flames because of what I've done in the past lol. I guess I kinda like to think of it as an "ethereal psychotherapist". But I'm with you regarding faith. If I'm supposed to be with my ex (or anyone), then somehow she will show up at my door one day. Am I banking on it? Nope...because things happen when we least expect them to... I didn't expect to have met my ex, nor did I expect to fall in love with her AND certainly didn't not know she would dump me. I know I can't control what happens around me...I can only control my inner demons /end religious rant 1
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