MissLY Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I've been on 2 dates with this guy. He's tall, good looking, extremely sweet, very outgoing. But for some reason, I'm just not "feeling" it. I mean, there's a slight attraction that I feel, but it's not intense or major. So I was curious, how many dates would give somebody you're not sure about? I'm actually at a point where I don't feel like reaching out to him, but I'm also wondering if that would be a mistake on my part, because I could be "missing out" on something good. Another reason why I'm probably not super into him is because the last guy I dated was pursuing me hardcore from the jump. With this new guy, he seems to be playing it cool (hasn't called, texts me every two days). I guess I want someone who is SURE about me. He may like me, but something is missing. He could be seeing other people, I don't know. Let me not overthink this. LOL. Thoughts?
curlygirl40 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Well, it depends on a lot of things. I have done this in the past. Wasn't really sure, but something kept drawing me to him, etc. If you're somewhat attracted and there are other things you like about him, then I would give it one more date at least. Sometimes it's as simple as asking yourself 'do I like him enough to see him one more time...' and then just do it one date at a time until you 'know' one way or the other. Have you kissed? For me if I'm not sure, and/or lukewarm, the kiss will usually make or break. The last guy that I wasn't sure about completely had me once we finally made out. If I feel nothing during a kiss, then it's the kiss of death for me. Good luck!! 2
serial muse Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I've been on 2 dates with this guy. He's tall, good looking, extremely sweet, very outgoing. But for some reason, I'm just not "feeling" it. I mean, there's a slight attraction that I feel, but it's not intense or major. So I was curious, how many dates would give somebody you're not sure about? I'm actually at a point where I don't feel like reaching out to him, but I'm also wondering if that would be a mistake on my part, because I could be "missing out" on something good. Another reason why I'm probably not super into him is because the last guy I dated was pursuing me hardcore from the jump. With this new guy, he seems to be playing it cool (hasn't called, texts me every two days). I guess I want someone who is SURE about me. He may like me, but something is missing. He could be seeing other people, I don't know. Let me not overthink this. LOL. Thoughts? Well, I kind of feel like after two dates (although I guess it depends on how long they were and what you did) you would know whether you'd be "missing out" if you ended things. The only question in my mind is how much of this has to do with the expectation of a certain intensity of pursuit and whether it's fair to translate that into him really not being interested. Expectations about stuff like that can really color perceptions. But that aside, it still sounds like he's not for you. Right? If you want to be thorough you could do one more date, I suppose. But it sounds kind of like you've already made up your mind... 1
candie13 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I usually know after one date. If I am not "feeling" it, I won't go on a second date... or maybe I would, if I think the guy is a nice person but it's the attraction that's missing. Anything more than a two dates isn't fair - to me, firstly and then to the guy. Oh, and noooo kissing, please! 2
Author MissLY Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Well, I kind of feel like after two dates (although I guess it depends on how long they were and what you did) you would know whether you'd be "missing out" if you ended things. The only question in my mind is how much of this has to do with the expectation of a certain intensity of pursuit and whether it's fair to translate that into him really not being interested. Expectations about stuff like that can really color perceptions. But that aside, it still sounds like he's not for you. Right? If you want to be thorough you could do one more date, I suppose. But it sounds kind of like you've already made up your mind... I mean, I'd go on at least one more date with him, but I'd want HIM to reach out to me about it. I'm not interested in him enough to contact him and ask if he'd like to hang out again. I'd rather he say it, then I'd accept. And yeah, I think if he called and texted me more, my interest would grow. But he's playing it so goddamn cool that I just....don't really care. So you're right, I guess I made up my mind already.
Pinky777 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Sometimes it's hard to tell from one date. People get nervous, or maybe don't want to put too much of themselves out there, or want to be sure they like you. There's a lot you seem to like about him so give him a second date, I say. My sister met a guy online and really didn't click with him on the first date. But she gave him a second date for whatever reason and that went so much better. They're getting married next month. It doesn't sound like you're all that excited about him honestly, but give it one more chance. If you still feel the same way after date two, you know.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Have you kissed? For me if I'm not sure, and/or lukewarm, the kiss will usually make or break. The last guy that I wasn't sure about completely had me once we finally made out. If I feel nothing during a kiss, then it's the kiss of death for me. Good luck!! So true!! The first kiss has always been a very clarifying experience when I can't get off the fence. How frequently he calls (every other day vs. multiple times a day) is a matter of style, not interest level or intent. I told one guy he needed to call/communicate more often. (We had been on one date at the time.) He picked it up. Communicate your needs to him! BTW, you're selecting for players when you require hot and heavy pursuit upfront before he really knows you. For those guys, it's sweep you off your feet, pump, then dump. You have to work much harder to discern genuine interest vs. playing you. In some ways, this guy is easier to read. The issue is interest or lack of interest. Either he asks you on dates or he doesn't. Easy to figure out. Try not to hold his dating style against him. Sometimes slow and steady wins the race. 2
kaylan Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 (edited) I've been on 2 dates with this guy. He's tall, good looking, extremely sweet, very outgoing. But for some reason, I'm just not "feeling" it. I mean, there's a slight attraction that I feel, but it's not intense or major. So I was curious, how many dates would give somebody you're not sure about? I'm actually at a point where I don't feel like reaching out to him, but I'm also wondering if that would be a mistake on my part, because I could be "missing out" on something good. Another reason why I'm probably not super into him is because the last guy I dated was pursuing me hardcore from the jump. With this new guy, he seems to be playing it cool (hasn't called, texts me every two days). I guess I want someone who is SURE about me. He may like me, but something is missing. He could be seeing other people, I don't know. Let me not overthink this. LOL. Thoughts?If theres no chemistry, sometimes you have to accept that there is none and move on. Although I do agree you guys need to kiss and stuff first to make sure. However, that even being said...me and my ex had great personality chemistry and a reallllly awkward first few kisses. Once we communicated what we each liked and meshed that together, we really created something very passionate that we both liked. Edited February 10, 2013 by kaylan
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I've noticed that many women are ok with lukewarm or casual interest with men in the beginning...I'm not sure if this is something some people are conditioned to or they think "giving someone a chance" is the way to go. I'd argue that you can develop interest in someone if you really try to regardless...you might not feel that spark and chemistry but I'm not too sure if humans aren't necessarily wired to fall for someone that they can maintain some interest in...it seems weird to "try" and establish a connection with someone you don't otherwise feel something with...it makes me wonder what level of expectations or emotions people expect out of these engagements with the opposite sex and is establishing a relationship with someone more important than chemistry, passion and a truly strong and unique connection...but from my general view of things, I'd have to say it's more for the wrong reasons than the right ones...or anything that really has to do with any significant emotion. I've known far too many people to be in relationships where they weren't even sure they were in love with their long-term partner, or never even really felt a strong sense of chemistry and emotion...yet maybe even married and popped out a few kids. I don't know...I think some of it comes with youth and some of it comes with peoples own desire to fill that void in themselves and think this person can do it. I'm going way too deep for a first date but I've just seen a weird pattern on these forums and consistently surprised the lack of any real significant emotions expressed...especially having a relationship and not saying things like "I love you" or expressing any strong emotional connection that is on that level...it's just highly awkward to me so many people just kind of go with flow, not really knowing what they're doing or even what to expect out of a romantic relationship. Therefore from my perspective the expectation is high...for at least a relationship. If I'm not feeling a significant amount of chemistry with the person by the first date that person isn't going to be relationship material for me...it's pretty cut and dry. Because I really don't believe or see how you can build that chemistry and intensity with someone and I guess in that regard maybe we value different things...or maybe all the people you feel that way with end up being the wrong guy...but then I'd say it's more important for you to work on yourself at this time then with the kind of men you are attracted to and interested in. However, In my opinion you just seem to need a guy who is very interested in you to feel comfortable in being with him, that way they are transparent and you feel in control. So you just want the power, and the attention....so since he isn't giving you what you want, you probably won't want to let this guy go until he is "won over". ::sings:: What's love got to do...got to do with it. 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I've noticed that many women are ok with lukewarm or casual interest with men in the beginning...I'm not sure if this is something some people are conditioned to or they think "giving someone a chance" is the way to go. I'd argue that you can develop interest in someone if you really try to regardless...you might not feel that spark and chemistry but I'm not too sure if humans aren't necessarily wired to fall for someone that they can maintain some interest in...it seems weird to "try" and establish a connection with someone you don't otherwise feel something with...it makes me wonder what level of expectations or emotions people expect out of these engagements with the opposite sex and is establishing a relationship with someone more important than chemistry, passion and a truly strong and unique connection...but from my general view of things, I'd have to say it's more for the wrong reasons than the right ones...or anything that really has to do with any significant emotion. I've known far too many people to be in relationships where they weren't even sure they were in love with their long-term partner, or never even really felt a strong sense of chemistry and emotion...yet maybe even married and popped out a few kids. I don't know...I think some of it comes with youth and some of it comes with peoples own desire to fill that void in themselves and think this person can do it. I'm going way too deep for a first date but I've just seen a weird pattern on these forums and consistently surprised the lack of any real significant emotions expressed...especially having a relationship and not saying things like "I love you" or expressing any strong emotional connection that is on that level...it's just highly awkward to me so many people just kind of go with flow, not really knowing what they're doing or even what to expect out of a romantic relationship. Therefore from my perspective the expectation is high...for at least a relationship. If I'm not feeling a significant amount of chemistry with the person by the first date that person isn't going to be relationship material for me...it's pretty cut and dry. Because I really don't believe or see how you can build that chemistry and intensity with someone and I guess in that regard maybe we value different things...or maybe all the people you feel that way with end up being the wrong guy...but then I'd say it's more important for you to work on yourself at this time then with the kind of men you are attracted to and interested in. However, In my opinion you just seem to need a guy who is very interested in you to feel comfortable in being with him, that way they are transparent and you feel in control. So you just want the power, and the attention....so since he isn't giving you what you want, you probably won't want to let this guy go until he is "won over". ::sings:: What's love got to do...got to do with it. Out of my group of friends (10 couples), only one couple that married were truly in love. Others were all lukewarm, gave it a chance, got used to the other person etc. I have known them for years so I know how their relationships started/progressed. It's disappointing for me that so many people fear being alone and sell their soul just to be in a relationship..But it's so common, that I am the odd one out. As for OP, if I met a guy through OLD, I would give it 2 dates max. I never really grew attracted to someone in time, but since OLD is such a weird setup, they can be very nervous on the first date so... If I met someone at work, through friends and was exposed to them in real life, I wouldn't go on a single date if I didn't feel strong chemistry.
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