Day 2 and Hurting

[Lillyfree]

I got an email last night letting me know he's okay and he loves me, no elaboration on my goodbye. I was okay until that email then the pain amped up a notch.

 

I know we can't/ shouldn't do this for many reasons, but I certainly wish I could throw a switch to turn my brain and heart off for a

While. I'm committed to sticking with staying apart even though everything else about me is kicking and screaming just to hear his voice and take it all back.

 

Helpful words anyone?

 

when you feel weak, when it hurts too much, keep in mind that you wrote the above words for a reason.

 

block him, stick to NC, after a while it will get easier.

 

i'm so sorry you're hurting.

[stevie_23]

Yes. I find a productive way to try to think is that you can’t go back to what you had…you just can’t. It isn’t a possibility anymore and even if you somehow COULD go back, it wouldn’t be the same, not now. So the only way forward is…forward.

[stevie_23]

I’m not like that. And neither are many other OW.

 

I never wanted his wife to find out about us. I was terrified she would, and it’d be the end of us even though he said it wouldn’t be. I don’t equate her throwing him out with me “getting” him. I would be happiest, when I was still with him, for him to leave voluntarily.

[Lillyfree]

You don't think most are subconsciously pushing to get to the point where the wife makes staying too unpalatable (ie rightly holds him to account either for the affair or the bad treatment of her that goes with it even unknown to her)? You don't think that they really think "well the M is spoiled now, only thing to do is move on"...convenient for them as they wait in the wings? I think deep down that's glee at spoiling and it's kind of despicable.

 

I think with some introspection most OW subconsciously push for that reason.

 

And I don't believe there is pure volition once a third party is involved. It's always partly because of the third party.

 

I find this quite interesting.. .care to start a separate thread?

[Gibson_Girl]

when you feel weak, when it hurts too much, keep in mind that you wrote the above words for a reason.

 

block him, stick to NC, after a while it will get easier.

 

i'm so sorry you're hurting.

 

 

Thank you, Lilly. You're right, I did what I did for a reason.

[Gibson_Girl]

Good point lilyfree. Sorry for the t/j. Feel free to, I'm going to be tied up for a while.

 

MFH,

 

I owe you an apology. I got angry and lost my temper and posted a rude remark. I regret having offended you and lashing out. I should have taken what you said and gleaned whatever good there was in your statement.

This is not an excuse though it certainly seems like it, but this whole ordeal has left me highly emotional and I'm floundering to find my footing again.

Again, I'm so very sorry.

[Gibson_Girl]

It is pretty common to become disillusioned with the AP after a while and throw back "look what I left, what I lost, for you!". It means the AP is required to be perfect, to never have those normal ups and downs. To be an unreal relationship permanently otherwise it wasn't worth leaving another real relationship for it.

 

Some will come and say no, not us...but plenty are like that even if it takes a while.

 

 

You're right, I'm sure many end up that way, most in fact. But not everyone can be lumped into the same category. I think it's presumptuous to assume all A's end that way because not all circumstances are the same.

[Gibson_Girl]

I think our brains make us feel guilty for a good reason. It serves you well when it prevents you from chosing to hurt people and yourself. In my case it saved my ***. If I hadn't felt it, I'd be lost. My advice is to lose the corpse-guilt, but after you've gotten away.

 

Your heart will grow back after this loss. It will get better.

 

I felt very guilty in the beginning, so much so that I didn't want him to feel that way either so I tried (unsuccessfully) to break things off. I knew what it felt like to be the BS so I knew what kind of pain it would inflict should it go further than a friendship. We'd both come to the conclusion our marriages were over and that our relationship would not be a catalyst in our divorces. i couldn't handle that kind of guilt and wonder if he'd regret me and he didn't want that for me either. Obviously, we made the wrong decision and kept going.

 

It feels pointless at this juncture for me to keep thinking about it. We both learned an extremely hard lesson. We should have checked it at friendship, handled our business then got in contact again as friends.

 

I don't want to be a bad memory and I don't want him to be one for me. I know what we felt/ feel is real, but the reality is, we just didn't do it right.

 

I feel horrible for everyone involved and couldn't be more sorry to have been part of such a painful thing. Yes, we love each other, but what did we get? Broken hearts and broken lives.

[stevie_23]

You don't think most are subconsciously pushing to get to the point where the wife makes staying too unpalatable (ie rightly holds him to account either for the affair or the bad treatment of her that goes with it even unknown to her)? You don't think that they really think "well the M is spoiled now, only thing to do is move on"...convenient for them as they wait in the wings? I think deep down that's glee at spoiling and it's kind of despicable.

 

I think with some introspection most OW subconsciously push for that reason.

 

And I don't believe there is pure volition once a third party is involved. It's always partly because of the third party.

 

Did I want him to get to the point where staying was so unpleasant he chose to leave on his own? Of course I did! But I’d never have expected or hoped for that if he hadn’t constantly talked about it himself. He hated living in what he felt was a dormitory, with his wife’s 3 adult kids who took over the house. It wasn’t actually his wife who was the issue, it was her kids. She wanted them living there for as long as possible (they’re in their early-mid 20s) and he wanted them out so he could have his space back. He always wanted his wife to be out so we could have time together, but apart from that, they got on ok. No real interest on his behalf, but they were ok in general. Domestic partnership.

 

Did I ever PUSH him and somehow make his living situation worse so he’d jump ship? No. How could I? I had no influence over his life there. I of course could make OUR interactions as enjoyable as possible in comparison to his situation, but I knew that wouldn’t really make a difference. I supported him as much as I could through his issues living there in that life he didn’t want. I was fairly impartial too. I didn’t JUST commiserate or sympathise with him. I was rational. Almost too analytical at times. I often said to him, if it’s truly THAT bad, how come you’re still there? I did not do anything to coerce him into leaving.

 

I would have NO glee or joy in him being kicked out of that house, even back when we were together. Why would I want to never know if he’d have left of his own accord and been with me? Why would I want to always wonder if he only chose me as the back-up option? That I was only worth being with if there was no better alternative?

 

And yes, of course when there’s a third party involved, it changes the whole dynamic of how you feel in your current living and relationship situation. I think it’s about feeling negatively and unhappily in your relationship to begin with, and if this grows (as opposed to settling into neutrality, or improving somehow) you may begin to intend to leave at some point. When something comes along that pushes you to make that change. Something that shows you there is something to make leaving worth it. A positive reinforcement (someone you want to actually be with) as opposed to just the absence of negativity (leaving an unhappy marriage).