Day 2 and Hurting

[Gibson_Girl]

I got an email last night letting me know he's okay and he loves me, no elaboration on my goodbye. I was okay until that email then the pain amped up a notch.

 

I know we can't/ shouldn't do this for many reasons, but I certainly wish I could throw a switch to turn my brain and heart off for a

While. I'm committed to sticking with staying apart even though everything else about me is kicking and screaming just to hear his voice and take it all back.

 

Helpful words anyone?

[Spark1111]

you have to block him, totally, unequivocally, now and forever, from having any means of contacting you ever again.

 

Anything else is a slow form of torture.

 

Then you have to get busy, real busy, filling all that time, headspace and energy that MM formerly occupied.....starting now.

[Catplates]

I agree with Spark.

 

You need to get out and do something, anything. Volunteer at an old people's home.

 

You will soon start to feel blessed when you see what kind of lives some of them have.

 

Just go out and get involved in life. I don't mean just as a fill in in case he comes back, I mean wholeheartedly.

 

Cat.

[Gibson_Girl]

Thanks, Sparks & Cat. I do need to move and keep busy.

Since I was alone today I just grieved, cried and slept off and on today.

I don't like to throw pity parties but today felt like a day to just be still and take it in. It didn't help much and I was repeatedly tempted to text or email but I didn't; instead I re-read our emails. Not a good choice, but it's what I did.

 

I've been a "crumb-eater" for nearly twenty years and starved emotionally. I made the choice, along with my guy's encouragement along the way, to not be that person anymore. It's all I know, it's familiar to me. But I want more.

And I recognize I'll never have more if I sit around someone else's table waiting for a handout. He was as good to me as he could be under the circumstances.

 

One thing for sure, I will never regret loving this man. I regret the pain and suffering that's been inflicted on everyone. I don't want her to find out then his kids will find out and then he'll lose face with them.

I am 100% confident that neither of us will ever seek solace outside of marriage ever again. In spite of our friendship, that is now probably never going to be able to flourish because it's been "tainted" by this. Any chance we may've had to end up together... Anyway, lesson learned.

 

Too many regrets... I still love him and probably always will. I just hope the hurt goes away.

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

Gibson Girl,

 

I think you should look up GreenEyedLady's posts. I hope that you will gain strength from them.

 

Be strong. Decide what you want you want for your life, and do not depart from it.

 

Men will come and go. But you have yourself for a lifetime. Live your life without regrets.

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

If you don't regret it then you don't really get how much damage you have caused. The pain is BECAUSE of you "loving" him. Because of acting on it. An even if she never knows her marriage is scarred by this. It beggars belief that you have been betrayed and don't get that. You must have been one of the "it's nt equal it's all his fault" wives, who I believe are actually quite rare.

 

Your friendship was never really friendship is was a destruction pact for families and innocent people. No friend wants someone to hurt someone else by being with them. That's acquisition not friendship.

 

I think if you don't "get" what harm you've caused you WILL end up in a PAC within or someone else to harm another woman. And I find that indefensible. I can only hope that next time the woman in question smells it a mile off and acts accordingly.

 

The harm here is that other innocents are hurt. What is indefensible is that men don't have boundaries and feel entitled to do as they will. It is not the OW's fault; it is the committed partners fault. They don't care that they hurt their spouse, their children. They are entitled, right? And until they are held responsible for their actions, nothing will change.

 

BTHE

[BehindTheseHazelEyes]

No they are both responsible. Equally. Here's a woman who knew what it felt like apparently yet did it to another woman. Nice.

 

Of course he is also responsible. If he were here I'd say that. But the interloper isn't absolved just because the spouse was bad too. If anything she had more insight into the damage.

 

Well, it's nice to think that. The "interloper" is more responsible? ARKM? Your spouse was the one who vowed better or worse. Not until something sexier...easier, fill in the blank came along. And until that is enforced, the WS will continue to betray.

 

BTHE

[Gibson_Girl]

GibsonGirl, you are sacrificing your heart to do the right thing. That is honorable, and now you are being a hero.

 

I'm no hero. I hurt like I've never hurt before, and it was/ is killing me.

I did it for myself because I couldn't survive yet another devastating end. This is bad, but had I stayed as I said I would and desperately wanted to stay, it would have been much worse for me had he chosen to stay married. I didn't want to harm his kids or my kids. Even though I've never met them, they're part of him and I was willing to love them as much as they'd have let me.

I also did it for him. It broke my heart to hear the sadness in his voice and to know he was hurting.

 

I miss him so much. Just when I think I've cried all I can, I imagine his laugh or how he looked at me when we were talking. He really is my best friend and half my heart is gone now.

 

It was the right thing, but for selfish reasons. I have nothing bad to say about him. I just want to be mentally and emotionally healthy. I want to love with all of my heart and all of my might and to be loved in return. I don't want to borrow, share or be lonely any longer. I'd rather be alone than lonely any day of the week.

 

You know what else doesn't make me good? If he called me right now and said, "Let's go, I choose you", I'd be G. O. N. E.

[ForeverGuilt]

I am dealing with the exact same situation. How did it progress? I have had a week of completely being unable to function. I am praying for the heartache to be lifted. To be able to move on. Right now it is such a dark place I can't see the light. I know it was wrong and wouldn't have worked because of the situation, but I have never felt love like that before.

 

Praying you have good news

[Gibson_Girl]

I am dealing with the exact same situation. How did it progress? I have had a week of completely being unable to function. I am praying for the heartache to be lifted. To be able to move on. Right now it is such a dark place I can't see the light. I know it was wrong and wouldn't have worked because of the situation, but I have never felt love like that before.

 

Praying you have good news

 

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "progress". Will you clarify, please?

 

I think you're right about being in similar situations in that I too, have never experienced love like that before. Given or received. It makes me sad to not know what might've been.

What's your relationship dynamic? I'm so sorry you're hurting; it's a terrible feeling to be in the dark and want so desperately to see your way out.

 

I hope some will understand this, if not that's okay, but he and I knew the way we each felt about our SO. They are indeed our other's but they were no longer significant in that the relationships were all but over except on paper.

I hope to be single by this summer. Knowing how we each felt about it, we didn't factor them into our relationship. And TBH, I still haven't completely factored her in. I ended it for our sakes, not hers or my H. I hated the thought of him feeling ashamed and losing face with his children and not wanting him to resent me, even though he knew what our risks were, I still feel very protective of him.

 

He messed up a lot, didn't do right all the time, neither did I. But that's not why it has turned out this way. I've been gimping along since the holidays. I had moved on with my heart and mind but my body is stuck here and now. Living in two places (future and present) was terribly difficult. He seemed to manage well enough, but I couldn't compartmentalized like he could. I'm an all or nothing kinda girl in some regards, my heart being the primary topic now.

 

I can't confess that I wouldn't go back to him; I'm a blink away from calling or however it strikes me... But then I'd be opening us up to more hurt. I want him to be happy, but I want him to be happy with ME. I know he loves me and I love him.

 

I've heard some say "love isn't enough". For me it is, 100%. I've never had it so I crave it. Not sex, not the butterflies, LOVE. I accepted him for good, bad, happy, sad, rich or poor. I was all-in. Sadly, I'm still all-in. I want him back, the right way. I don't dare hope for much longer... I'm trying to lay the hope aside, but hope is all that has kept me alive for years and it's all I have now.

 

I wish you the very best, FG. Please, lose the guilt. It doesn't benefit you to carry it around, it's like carrying around a corpse. Learn from it and try and move forward. And for what it is worth, I hope that the love you've felt will be yours one day for good.

 

GG

[ForeverGuilt]

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by "progress". Will you clarify, please?

 

I think you're right about being in similar situations in that I too, have never experienced love like that before. Given or received. It makes me sad to not know what might've been.

What's your relationship dynamic? I'm so sorry you're hurting; it's a terrible feeling to be in the dark and want so desperately to see your way out.

 

I hope some will understand this, if not that's okay, but he and I knew the way we each felt about our SO. They are indeed our other's but they were no longer significant in that the relationships were all but over except on paper.

I hope to be single by this summer. Knowing how we each felt about it, we didn't factor them into our relationship. And TBH, I still haven't completely factored her in. I ended it for our sakes, not hers or my H. I hated the thought of him feeling ashamed and losing face with his children and not wanting him to resent me, even though he knew what our risks were, I still feel very protective of him.

 

He messed up a lot, didn't do right all the time, neither did I. But that's not why it has turned out this way. I've been gimping along since the holidays. I had moved on with my heart and mind but my body is stuck here and now. Living in two places (future and present) was terribly difficult. He seemed to manage well enough, but I couldn't compartmentalized like he could. I'm an all or nothing kinda girl in some regards, my heart being the primary topic now.

 

I can't confess that I wouldn't go back to him; I'm a blink away from calling or however it strikes me... But then I'd be opening us up to more hurt. I want him to be happy, but I want him to be happy with ME. I know he loves me and I love him.

 

I've heard some say "love isn't enough". For me it is, 100%. I've never had it so I crave it. Not sex, not the butterflies, LOVE. I accepted him for good, bad, happy, sad, rich or poor. I was all-in. Sadly, I'm still all-in. I want him back, the right way. I don't dare hope for much longer... I'm trying to lay the hope aside, but hope is all that has kept me alive for years and it's all I have now.

 

I wish you the very best, FG. Please, lose the guilt. It doesn't benefit you to carry it around, it's like carrying around a corpse. Learn from it and try and move forward. And for what it is worth, I hope that the love you've felt will be yours one day for good.

 

GG

He pursued me relentlessly for 10 months before we met for a drink. We laughed, compatible intellectually. Just easy. In previous relationships I have felt as though I was settling (never married them because of that). I didn't feel like I was settling with this man. I know he is flawed (shoot I am flawed) but I was willing to take all that on.

 

He told me he loved me and couldn't image life without me. Truth be told I think his W knew we were still talking and that is when he claimed his breakdown. You are lucky that you have that trust in his love for you. I desperately loved him, but can't believe it likewise. My gut tells me it was sexual infatuation. A need that wasn't being filled. Acknowledging that gives me a pit in my stomach.

 

I just don't know why he would still continue to try to reach out to me when he told me he can not leave. ;-((

 

Thanks for replying. I just got on this forum. First time on a forum, period. Pain drives new behavior.

[Gibson_Girl]

FG,

 

Pursuing someone for 10 months for a drink doesn't sound like sexual infatuation to me. But, I have extremely limited experience with men and the entire time I've been married I never paid attention to anyone else.

I dated a little before I married and knew the dogs from the good ones. The dogs give up after a short chase, the good ones stick. <I just noticed I used dog and stick in comparing men. lol! No punn intended!>

 

You said he had a 'breakdown', did he suffer from depression? How did she find out?

 

I think, in some cases, people have affairs as a form of escape from their lives--a distraction or way to make their current situation tolerable. Not cool.

When you make a decision to get involved you also make a decision to believe what you're told. I did anyway.

 

I'm rambling... Headache from all the crying and dodging H.

I have zero desire to be touched, especially from him. So sad and it is heartless on my part but, it is what it is. <---I hate that phrase.

[Eggplant]

Please, lose the guilt. It doesn't benefit you to carry it around, it's like carrying around a corpse.

 

I think our brains make us feel guilty for a good reason. It serves you well when it prevents you from chosing to hurt people and yourself. In my case it saved my ***. If I hadn't felt it, I'd be lost. My advice is to lose the corpse-guilt, but after you've gotten away.

 

Your heart will grow back after this loss. It will get better.

[Gibson_Girl]

Thanks, and you're right. Guilt is a good thing when it puts us on the right path.

 

I've read posts on here where people seemingly drown in guilt, unable to move on. Feeling guilt and being regretful and repentant about things allows one to move on. Continuing to carry guilt afterwards is bad because it

Permeates every aspect of one's life--guilt complex.

 

How are you doing today, Eggplant?

[spice4life]

Thanks, and you're right. Guilt is a good thing when it puts us on the right path.

 

I've read posts on here where people seemingly drown in guilt, unable to move on. Feeling guilt and being regretful and repentant about things allows one to move on. Continuing to carry guilt afterwards is bad because it

Permeates every aspect of one's life--guilt complex.

 

How are you doing today, Eggplant?

 

This is so true and guilt and remorse are a very important part of the healing process. I am a firm believer that holding onto it though means a person is stuck and not able to move forward. Just like some people believe that WS needs to hate and feel disgust for their AP, but holding onto that forever means the WS is holding onto hate and disgust about themselves. To me, true healing brings a person to acceptance and forgiveness. If you can't achieve that then you remain stuck and what ever you are holding onto inside will come out in other unhealthy ways. Maybe the person won't embark on an affair again, but unresolved anger will manifest itself in other ways.

[Gibson_Girl]

I have certainly learned a lesson. The emotional roller coaster has left me feeling punch-drunk. I've gone from fear, anxiety, anticipation, excitement, elation, disappointment, surge down three notches from that, anger, back up to elation, happiness, anticipation, contentment, wash, rinse, repeat, grief and back to anger.

All aboard the crazy train!

 

I went on the infidelity forum and read stories from there and refreshed my memories of being the BS myself. I'm so ashamed of myself. I actually thought my name could be karma for a minute. My H is a cheater, his W is a cheater, and this was our first time. That's arrogant of me to think that way so then I was back to remorseful for not thinking about her and our children.

 

H is in the room, signing off.

[stevie_23]

Too many regrets... I still love him and probably always will. I just hope the hurt goes away.

 

This is how I feel about my situation and ex-MM.

 

I know now 100% that we cannot be together the way we were. And we can’t be together in any “real” way in person either. Our relationship, strictly in terms of each other and our interactions and feelings, was very loving and happy for both of us. But our relationship, in terms of how it impacted on us and our stress levels, our abilities to live our real lives, and more and more time forced apart, was not healthy or happy for us. It had become dysfunctional.

 

This does not mean I can’t still love him. I think I always will. I am slowly getting to a place where, more and more, I am losing and letting go of the feelings of desire and longing to BE with him. I can love him, care about him and all that, without feeling that need to be with him.

 

You will get there soon too, Gibson Girl. (I love Gibson guitars by the way. Gibson Les Pauls are my favourite)

[Gibson_Girl]

I'm on the hunt for a Martin Archtop.

[Gibson_Girl]

We planned on being together. It was just a matter of time. I'm still sad about how it's played out. I really wish we'd done things the right way and ended our current M's and chilled for a bit then picked up where we'd left off.

What may have been a wonderful thing for both of us has

Now been overshadowed by pain and hurt.

about?

Edited February 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stevie_23]

Ah, Martin Archtops are very nice indeed.

 

I totally agree about the way you and your ex, and the way my ex and I, went about things (either by relative choice or because there was no other choice), being the reason why we are no longer together. I truly believe in terms of the personalities involved, the love and all of that stuff, that under different circumstances, we would’ve been very happy and stable.

[stevie_23]

No, his wife’s pain and hurt wouldn’t have been the basis for their “new” relationship. The basis would have been the love they felt for one another throughout this whole difficult time, and a downside would of course be the pain and guilt for the MM’s wife.

 

Also, my own ex-MM said that when we would be together “properly”, he would need to leave his current situation / partner and be on his own for at least a brief time first, because he didn’t want to go from her to me, and have ME as the reason he left / hurt her.

[stevie_23]

Well, no, not really. I didn’t want to hear that he felt the need to live alone for a while before coming to me any more than I wanted to hear he wanted to come straight TO me.

 

I knew that part of his reasons for not being happy in the first place, part of his reasons for being ABLE to develop feelings for me the way he did was because he had been unhappy and unfulfilled for quite some time in his living situation and relationship.

 

But of course I also know that he most likely would actually have made the leap to LEAVE because of me. I would have been the catalyst.

 

I also don’t believe anyone can “break” a marriage that one of the parties involved in that marriage (man / woman) has not already wanted to break, even in a small way.

[stevie_23]

But I wouldn’t MIND if it was my “fault” because even if he did leave her directly for me, I wouldn’t feel that it was my fault. Or even A fault. It would be his choice.

 

If I left my partner for him, I wouldn’t consider it HIS fault and I would hope he wouldn’t either.

[stevie_23]

No, it doesn’t mean the marriage is broken, but it does point to the fact that if someone is ABLE to cross boundaries and BE careless or to RISK moving forward enough in that situation so as to cause damage and move away from their bond with their wife, then SOMETHING is amiss with regard to that person and their feelings about their spouse and marriage.

 

And I personally wouldn’t mind being the catalyst. If a MM falls for another woman and decides to leave their wife and be with the OW, I don’t consider it the OW’s fault for being the catalyst (this is if they have not actually acted on their feelings, and the MM is leaving the marriage more because he’s unhappy in it, and sometimes that happens no matter how good it may be in general, but he’s also leaving partly because he can see he wants more than the marriage is able to give him and this OW is what he now wants). It just happens sometimes. It’s only when the MM prolongs the marriage and has BOTH the wife and the OW at the same time, either because of greed, uncertainty, fear, laziness, arrogance, carelessness, whatever, that it becomes dishonest and extra hurtful. It is ALWAYS hurtful for someone to be left by their husband or partner though, so even if a MM left his wife for another woman and there was no cheating involved, it’d still be painful. And the OW may still be the catalyst, but again I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault.

[stevie_23]

It is pretty common to become disillusioned with the AP after a while and throw back "look what I left, what I lost, for you!". It means the AP is required to be perfect, to never have those normal ups and downs. To be an unreal relationship permanently otherwise it wasn't worth leaving another real relationship for it.

 

Some will come and say no, not us...but plenty are like that even if it takes a while.

 

Oh, I know this too. My ex-MM and I did discuss it at some length way back in our relationship.

 

In our case, it would have been HUGE pressure to be “perfect” to justify and compensate us both leaving our existing relationships.

 

For him, it would mean him leaving his wife (which he always maintained would not be a problem), leaving his entire country, leaving his family (who he never sees anyway, but it includes leaving behind his 4 adult children which, even though he hardly sees them, would still be a difficult concept to grasp), leaving his job, leaving everything familiar, and coming over here to everything completely UNFAMILIAR and being completely alone except for just ME.

 

For me, it’d mean leaving my partner and my domestic stability and then being with someone who could probably not find a job here where I live because of his age, it’d mean being a carer for a 75 year old man when I’d only be almost 50, and most likely being a widow at age 55 when he’d be about 80, if he made it that far. So when I would then be alone in the world, would I regret my choice? Most likely in a way. But also not. Who can know?

 

Anyway, my point is that yes, there is added pressure and complication when you choose to be with someone and in order to do so, you must sacrifice something important to you.