Ex girlfriend's issues ended our story.

[Bando89]

Hello everyone,

 

this is my first post here. I felt the urge to register to this website to share my story becaue I really need help and I saw a lot of competent people are here (especially a guy called Desensitized).

 

First part - Background

 

It all goes back to junior high. In Italy it lasts three years, when you are 12-14 years old. At that time you are just a kid and start to wonder about love and other magic things. I saw this girl who attended the same school: I fell in love (or whatever a 13 years old boy can feel). We started talking and texting in a very shy way. I idealized her way too much and I started to build castles in my head, things like 'she is too pretty to hang out with me or even consider me as a boyfriend'. We even went out together one day, a strange afternoon where I hold her hand but in the end she refused to kiss me. That was the last piece of the puzzle: I assumed that she did not want me and I moved on. The fact that junior high ended that year and we went to different high schools 'helped' the task.

 

I did not see her for all of the high school, which is 5 years. Then we started university and I casually saw her one day working at a pizza store. We talked for 3 minutes and that was all: for other 3 years I did not see her again. Then, during 2011 Christmas holidays, I went to this club with my friends and I saw her. I stopped her and we talked a bit: she was beautiful as always, but I was still thinking that she did not want me. Destiny wanted us to meet again some days later in a pub, where we talked a lot, from 22 pm to 3 am. It was me, her, a friend of mine and a (girl)friend of her. We agreed to meet again the next week, and there I discovered that she was actually in the middle of a study programme in Spain. She was just home for Christmas and in few days she would have returned back to Spain until June.

 

I did not think much about that: we went out all together another evening, and there I decided to go all in and invite her out the next day (2 days before her departure). Well, we went out and we kissed, so that we went out again the last day before she left. We were shocked: in love, completely. We decided to meet for Easter, but one week later I booked my tickets to visit her and so we did, seeing each other one week each month. It was crazy, and my parents were so mad at me but it was fantastic. I discovered that she liked me a lot back in junior high: she showed me her diary where she wrote things like 'I love him', but she said that she was stupid back then and aimed for older boys. Perfectly normal, I would say.

 

In april we did one of the craziest thing of our lifes: we rent a house together in Spain and we moved there until the end of her study period. 2 months of living together after being together for 20 days or less. It was a challenge, but we did it. I was so crazy and in love to choose to drive to her: yes, I went there by car, alone, driving from 6 am to 23 pm in a single day, just to see her. 1800 km that I will never forget.

 

We lived wonderfully in our little house. At the end of the two months, we drove back to Italy but this time we stopped two times, so that the trip could be easier.

 

Everything went wonderfully until december.

 

Part two - The breakup

 

I've always had troubles with accepting her past (the way she treats her past relationships, the way she has been with more people than I did) but that was my problem of the relationship. Her was jealousy: she would get mad even at friends' girlfriends and we would argue literally for nothing. It was ok: couples have their fights and no one is perfect. In the beginning of december she told me that she felt things were not ok: she believed we were not compatible. She wrote me a list of those problems she considered huge:

 

1-the past

2-the way I behave with people

3-we laugh for different things

 

While the last two points are ridicolous, and we discussed about that, the problem was with the main one. Basically, one time we fought harshly and I told her something similar to 'I don't like your slutty past.' She got terribly mad at this and, according to her, from that day things changed. I did everything in my power to explain her that when people fight, they often say things they don't believe! This is so common. How many times did she offend me when we fight? How comes I always forgive her? Because it's NORMAL. You have to be mature enough to understand that.

 

After that fight, we had a pause of 2-3 days, after those she wrote me 'I miss you too much' and we got back together. Things were going perfectly then, after another 10 days, she started with all the same stuff again and left me. She didn't even want to meet me in person to say goodbye: I had to force her (because I also wanted to give her my speech). This is so ridicolous... I've always been in good relationship with her family and her friends. Her family tells me 'we have really no idea.' Her sister told her 'stop behaving like he's the only one suffering: you're suffering too, because you like him. that's stupid.'

 

I spoke with her best friend, a girl who studies psychology, who was more on my side rather than on hers. She told me that my ex gf has some problems, derived from her parents divorce, and that she is completely immature at 23 years old. She always ended all of her previous relationships: she just can't seem to be happy and everytime she is in a relaxed state, anxiety devours her.

 

Third part - January

 

This is the messiest part. We 'officially' broke up on december 24th. I started no contact to see if something could come out of it. I thought that I was having success, because she started posting sad things on facebook:

 

She posted a part of a poem about love. The whole poem talks about the dangers of love, that even if love makes you suffer, you have to go for it or your life will be empty. She posted a part of the poem which was: 'And when it envelopes you, fall for him. Even if between its feathers, its sword may wound you.'

 

-She posted this terribly sad song, where some lyrics were 'our love is one of a kind / if I'd fall, would you fall for me? If you want to check it out, the song is Ed Sheeran - Fall.

 

-She posted Aerosmith - What could have been love - and commented 'it's a DRUG. a drug...' The lyrics of this song are incredibly meaningful. I'll paste just one stanza and you can check the rest out if you want.

 

I wake up and wonder how everything went wrong.

Am I the one to blame?

I gave up and left you for a nowhere-bound train.

Now that train has come and gone.

I close my eyes and see you lying in my bed.

And I'm still dreaming of that day.

 

So I took my courage off and after 4 weeks I asked her to go out for a drink. She replied 'no...sorry but no.'

Confused by her behaviour, I contacted a friend of her just out of curiosity. Her friend told me that my ex was not talking about me to her nor to her friends.

My ex than discovered that I called her friend and called me on the phone. We argued, badly. She told me that I was a child in asking her friend and that I should have asked her directly (to which I replied that I did, but she refused to go out). She then hung up the phone and I wrote her an angry text. She replied:

'you misunderstood my updates, my words, everything. Since september I don't love you anymore, I'm not thinking about you at all. Also, I'm starting to see someone else. I'm happy and I hope you are.'

 

It's a mess, guys. I deleted her off facebook, deleted all her friend trying to move on, but I just can't seem to. I know that she is dating this guy who is 30 (we're both 23), a failed rockstar who still plays in our little town and considers himself the next slash or something...this is so sad.

 

She has issues: she left all her past boyfriends, she has anxiety, insomnia, her relationship with her father is messed up, she is jealous of her sister, of her mother... My dream was that together we could solve her problems so that she could have been happy. She chose the easy road, throw away the boyfriend and **** others. As she always did

 

Sorry for the long post, but it was nearly impossible to summarize. If someone will read this wall of text and reply, you'll have my gratitude. Thank you all guys.

[meeji]

It seems like you need to let her go. Once an ex is in a new relationship ( even if you think it is a rebound) you should just forget about getting back together. She has sealed the deal.

[Bando89]

Well, she is not dating him. As far as I know they just went out 2-3 times, no introduction to friends, etc. I think he's more of a **** buddy :/

 

What you say has its sense, but it's nearly impossible for me to think that way right now.

[lovecutsrightthruu]

I would go 100% NC and see what happens. Don't be too hopeful though.

 

I'd stop trying to have any communication with her in ANY way for the time being - its driving her away.

 

You're young - don't let this drive you to despair!

[Bando89]

I have no intention of breaking no contact whatsoever... it's like I don't want her back, but this feeling makes me sick. I would just like to travel back in time when everything was fine...I don't expect anything to come from NC, since when I already broke it the first time she said 'I'm not thinking about you anymore' (which I didn't consider completely true: it's hard to believe that all those facebook posts weren't referred to me...)

 

I was able to overcome my problems about the past and in fact now I'm fine: she used it as a cover for dumping me, because everytime I made her notice that I solved stuff, she just moved the problem to another thing.

 

Also, this girl does not want someone more mature than her. She wants someone less mature than her, someone who doesn't make her think about life, about decisions, about responsabilities.

 

She is in a 5 years university degree and she will probably need 3/4 years more to complete it...even organizing a paper of 5 sheets it's a problem for her.

 

I suppose that the 'relationship' with that guy will go bad, not because it's him, but because she always destroyed all her relationships. She just want to live in the first part of a story, where it's all sex and instinct. When rationality, every-day stuff comes in, she feels in a cage and sets fire to everything.

[NoLeafClover]

Ciao Bando,

 

I am sorry to hear your story my friend, but you need to realize this girl is not good for you. The problems she has, none can fix. Not you and not her mom, not her dad...noone but herself can fix.

 

Like someone else here said, if she has been with someone else, the deal is closed. Have some dignity for yourself and don't contact her. You don't want to show any type of weakness and ask for her to her friends because sooner or later, they will start talking bad about you and how clingy and stalkerish you are being(eventhough you are not trying to be)

 

Another thing you NEED to know is that her girlfriends are not going to tell you what your ex has been saying. Her friends played dumb because they knew her story. I seen this happen many times even with myself. If your ex didn't talk to her friends then how come your ex found out you asked her friends about her?

NEVER BELIEVE A PERSON WHO IS CLOSE FRIENDS WITH AN EX.

 

You saying you didn't like her "Slutty Past" was not at the heat of the moment. You said it because that is how you felt but you tried to justify it. That is totally understandable when you don't like something you say it. If she gets mad, than it's like her being mad for her own actions only thing you did was stating how you feel about in the heat of the moment.

 

Let her be mad, let her f*** this "A.Celentano" guy she met. Don't be part of her life. I know it's hard because this was like a childhood dream about to come true, but it's simply not working.

 

Go No Contact, you don't need to be treated that way. Look for other girls and I'm sure you will find plenty sooner or later that will not make you drive 1800 km (Umm that's 1100 miles a day WOWW)

 

Unless she feels like this song -

 

...she is not worth it.

 

Keep your head up and avoid any type of contact with her. Out of sight - Out of mind and sooner or later you will be forgetting about her. Just give it time.

 

- Buona fortuna.

[Bando89]

NoLeaf, thank you for your reply. The italian references were cute:)

 

I agree with your view about the friends, but I trusted this friend of my ex. She studies psychology, prefers serious stories (she's going to marry in may) and my ex discovered about that because I asked her friend to investigate about me, like 'hey have you ever heard about him lately?'. I won't ever ask to her other friends because they are trash - but that girl is okay.

 

To be fair, I broke no contact badly after the bad talk we had and I wrote her a text 'I'm still in love with you..' to which she didn't reply. It was a mistake, I know, but I felt relieved after it. It was like 20 days ago.

 

The other day I had to contact her again, but this time on a matter of money/car fines, so it was more of an 'administrative' thing where I was just very cold. In fact we will have to meet one day (...) because she has to give me some money. (not being a Scrooge here, it's a long story I won't bother explaining)

 

This guy she is dating has his birthday on the same day as I. Oh, the irony... 365 days a year and I have to share the birthday with this scum. Uff...

 

The first weeks after the breakup were terrible, then I had a 2 weeks where I felt almost great, then it's since 4-5 days that I feel bad again. I think that if this thing doesn't improve, I'll go see a psychologist. I can't go on like that...

[Bando89]

My God, why am I so unlucky? This afternoon I went out for a walk with a friend of mine and who do I meet in the street? Her, walking with the guy she is dating. They both smirked at me and I had to immediately turn in a nearby alley :/ this hurts so bad.