Boyfriend and Games

[Mana]

My bf is a gamer and so am I, though he plays more than me. There is this one game that he recently started where he tends to ignore me and have this "I don't care" attitude and "I'll play when I want".

 

Here's the problem. After a couple weeks of being ignored while he played this game, he finally said he would remove it from his computer and never play it again. It caused so much conflict between us.

 

Yesterday, while I was at work, we were texting and I asked him what he was up to. He was very vague and didn't give me an answer. Finally, after about 20 min, he said he was playing this game. I was shocked since I thought he told me multiple times it was off his computer and he wouldn't play it, it wasn't worth hurting our relationship.

 

After he played for an hour, he stopped but we spent all day and all night arguing about it. All I heard from him was "what's wrong if I play a game while you're at work" and "it's fun, I want to play". The point isn't that, the point (imo) is that he told me it was deleted and he wasn't going to play. It's dishonest. He said he re-downloaded it a couple days ago.

 

Am I wrong here?

[Keenly]

I am curious what game it is.

 

 

Him playing it at work is not the problem... I can see why would be upset over him going against what you said though.

 

How long has this been going on? how long have you been together?

[Mana]

The game is Dota. He only played it for about 2 weeks before he originally removed it.

 

We've been together over 1 yr. He's always playing games while I'm at work or while I'm sleeping but this is the only game where he actually ignores me while he's playing and seems a bit more obsessed about.

[Keenly]

There are games that can be played casually, off and on, without really paying attention and you can leave at any time.

 

And then there is Dota.

 

Dota requires 100% concentration through an entire match. It can not be interrupted once a match is started.

 

That being said, if he continues to start additional matches instead of stopped when the current match is over, then that is a huge problem. You might have to scare him a little bit... Hint at leaving him because he is not spending enough time with you, while at the same time you can't make it sound like a threat.

 

Tell him you are lonely and you miss his company / attention and gauge his reaction. If he seems disinterested or indifferent then he may not be mature enough for a relationship.

 

Don't make him take the game away completely per se, and also tell him how you feel he lied to you.

[Sith]

The game is Dota. He only played it for about 2 weeks before he originally removed it.

 

We've been together over 1 yr. He's always playing games while I'm at work or while I'm sleeping but this is the only game where he actually ignores me while he's playing and seems a bit more obsessed about.

 

My brother plays Dota2 18 hrs per day. I'm not even joking, he takes adderall and just plays Dota2 because he's in par with the pros now. I know for a fact that it's a very addicting game.

 

I would give him an ultimatum. That he may only play Dota while you're at work or away from the house but once you're together he must give you his full intention or you will be giving second thoughts about the relationship.

[sabre80]

These kings of games have been clinically shown to have the same effect on gamers as crack/cocaine. They (along with most MMOs) have this keep playing. Play X amount of time in the game and get rewarded with some digital item that makes you marginally more powerful. I am unable to google the exact study I read but it made me rethink my gaming habits.

 

Rewards in these game trigger the same happy chemicals that upper drugs do. They also experience the same emotional down effect as a drug user prompting them to play more and more.

[Snowman219]

The game is Dota. He only played it for about 2 weeks before he originally removed it.

 

We've been together over 1 yr. He's always playing games while I'm at work or while I'm sleeping but this is the only game where he actually ignores me while he's playing and seems a bit more obsessed about.

 

If he was in the game with XxSnowmanxx219, I hate him cause he left and now we lost cuz of it! That jerk! Oh and I call him noob cause he ping a spot on map and we all go and then he doesn't go. So to pay him back I toss him into fountain : D. Mebbe we should all play dota, u know, have a three some? I'm down!

[Ninjainpajamas]

If he's a gamer then gamers are already known to spend countless hours invested in their video games, the fact that you are in a relationship with him doesn't change that fact....he's likely done this before with other video games.

 

Here's the thing though, directly confronting him and attacking with him with this issue is going to go you nowhere. You might as well date an alcoholic then expect him to stop drinking...just for you. It just doesn't work that way, and the harder you fight the more he's going to feel like you're trying to rip something away from him...that at least for him, seems to bring him joy and happiness to his life.

 

Everyone that is addicted to something tends to let the positives outweigh the negatives and doesn't feel like they "have a problem"...at least at first.

 

At this stage in the relationship he may have noticed it did cause a big rift in the relationship and caused some separation but he still can't resist the urge to derive satisfaction from that moment while playing the game...and you will essentially become the black hole of attention and disruption.

 

You essentially have to try and work on the relationship around the issue that he has with this game. I'm sure it serves as a distraction and escape from his real life troubles and issues in his life, after all that's why most people develop addictions...to escape.

 

So really try to lay it all out for him and have him try to resolve some of his life issues and stresses...really tell him the impact and make him see the situation for what it is and what it is causing...without trying to argue with him and blame everything on the game...focus on the root of the problems instead of the thing he uses for a distraction. I doubt everything is well in his life at the moment and he's just merely gaming "casually"...especially when his relationship is suffering.

 

If you make it about you and the game I think you'll lose that battle...you'll become a nagging b!itching voice in the background that he gets used to having to shut out just to survive. I mean you really got to look at htis black and white too instead of being all emotional. If this isn't the right relationship for you then don't throw a pity party and to make him want this relationship as much you do and just keep fighting...if that's the case then just dig yourself in a deeper hole and keep whining and complaining until he gets over this game.

 

It's not about you being "right" or "wrong", that isn't going to make a lick of difference...it's whether he's ready, capable or even desiring to get through this addiction of his. Maybe he's not going to get it until you're gone (and please don't tell him that, just go if you're going to go or you just become one of those people who make empty threats)...after all what have you got to lose at this point if you're not getting anything out of the relationship, what is it that you're holding onto? obviously it might not be anything more than you wanting him to love you? you can't make somebody do that or change a person and their faults and issues, so if you're expecting your feelings to change the relationship you're going to be beating your head against the wall a long time...he needs to make that decision for himself and he might not just be at that point in his life to do that.

[BarbecueMan666]

Hi Mana.

 

I can actually talk about this very easily and no you're not in the wrong.

 

I'm a 23 year old professional gamer, who actually makes a living off playing video games to a high level. I travel the globe for tournaments, I play in my designated time slots and even extend that on occasion. But one thing I never did was prioritize what I did above my ex-gf.

 

Of course I'd play a lot of games, let's say 5-8 hours a day on average, but when ever she was with me, or if she wanted me to focus on her and not the game I'd do it in a heart beat. In fact - during the relationship I purposefully cut down on hours to spend time with her, to where my hours went down to maximum of 4-5 hours per day, and lets say 10 hours with her available.

 

I didn't get mad during games, If she needed me for anything I could always let it go and spend time with her. - I obviously don't want to bring out a sledge hammer, but this fellow has a problem. I play Dota2 (on occasion, maybe a game every few days) - and I know of people with addictions, it's not uncommon and that's a highly addictive game. I personally play a game called starcraft, but I'd never let that get in the way of a relationship. Sorry to hear that's what you're going through currently.

 

While you're certainly not wrong - I don't really know what else your fellow does (be it for a living) - Some guys need their alone time. I live with a bunch of gamers and we're all different, but one of the traits they all seem to have is "being a little introverted" - hence playing games to "escape/get away" from the real world and just cool themselves out.

 

I don't know what kind of guy your bf is, or anything about him - letting him have this method of escape is actually healthy for him, but the way you've expressed how he is definitely indicates an addiction.

 

I don't really have an answer besides - letting the guy play games, - if you don't hassle him, but make him aware that you'd like to spend time with him there's nothing wrong with that. Don't make rash ultimatums, but if he's really choosing that above you currently, then there is something wrong.