Transitioning From Dating To Relationship

[throwaway420]

So i'll try to keep this concise.

 

I met a girl on OKCupid about a month ago. For sake of readability let's call her Leela. We went out to a bar for our first date and it went very well. She asked me to come out with her the day after and meet her friends. By the third date we were back at my place and ended up having sex. Things were progressing swimmingly for the most part. We get along great and she's a fabulous person, not to mention i find her attractive and vice versa.

 

From the start we've been texting eachother a lot. We've gotten to know eachother through discussions in person as well as through our text conversations. We covered a lot of topics and I've heard some things that maybe i wish i didn't hear. For instance, she has an ex-boyfriend. They had separated after she caught him cheating, apparently. She texted me and told me that she had gone out for a burrito with him, and I asked how she could stand being around him after the whole cheating debacle. She informed me that she "was no saint in their relationship either". This ex is leaving the country for good soon and she told me via text that she "may as well have some fun before he's gone for good". This actually upset me a lot because she told me this after our intimate third date.

 

So at this point i'm a little miffed that she's telling me this, but at the same time we aren't exactly in a relationship so it's not like i'm in any position to judge her or tell her that she shouldn't be contacting (and possibly having sex with) this guy. And i'm not that kind of person either! So i stopped thinking about it and she never brought him up again.

 

Now fast forward 2 weeks after our third intimate date. We hadn't seen eachother for quite some time and i'd been texting her that we should do something. So she decided to have people over at her house. I got to meet some more of her friends (who are all quite fun). At some point in the night (we are all a little tipsy at this point), one of her female friends decides to take Leela's phone and basically text her ex to "f*ck off", although not in those words precisely. I didn't understand quite why she was so dead set on doing this, as nobody had even mentioned him at all that night. She just randomly decided to pick up this phone that wasn't hers and tell this ex to go away.

 

Leela had to work at 5am the next morning so she basically kicked us all out of her house and i didn't bother pressuring her to let me stay. It is now a week later and i texted her to do something this weekend. She said she's "not up to much" so i told her "let's do something tonight then!". She texted me back and said that she can't do anything tonight as she's busy. With what, she didn't say. We're usually so talkative over texts and she didn't even hint at what she's doing tonight - and i'm not the type to pry. So i told her we'd do something tomorrow and she happily agreed.

 

SO... Now it may seem that i'm a little insecure and neurotic about all of this - i am a little frazzled that her ex is still an active part of her life but it's not my place to contest this. Tomorrow on our date i want to lay my cards on the table and let this girl know that i have feelings for her and i want to take our relationship to the next level.

 

I want to know, am i forcing things? Am i doing anything wrong? Am i wise to try this now or will she let me know herself if she wants a real relationship? I don't want to force things or rush her, but i also feel that if we don't reach an understanding and establish a relationship that she may very well just be hooking up with her ex on the side while we go out on "dates". I feel that we've been in very close contact this past month and we're very compatible, but i get the feeling she may not be ready for a commitment or maybe she just isn't even looking for a relationship right now.

[Cutiepie1976]

I want to know, am i forcing things? Am i doing anything wrong? Am i wise to try this now or will she let me know herself if she wants a real relationship? I don't want to force things or rush her, but i also feel that if we don't reach an understanding and establish a relationship that she may very well just be hooking up with her ex on the side while we go out on "dates". I feel that we've been in very close contact this past month and we're very compatible, but i get the feeling she may not be ready for a commitment or maybe she just isn't even looking for a relationship right now.

Well, what exactly are you hoping to get out of dating? Are you looking for a relationship? If so, why are you just beginning to question whether this is what she wants out of dating? Is she girlfriend material?

 

Or are you reacting out of fear that her ex is going to take her away from you?

 

If the ex weren't so obviously in the picture, would you be planning to have this conversation with her now?

[oldschool1]

Throwaway, I am sorry to hear that things aren't going as you'd hoped.

 

My first guess is that she's not interested in getting more serious with you, but I could be wrong. Usually an interested woman will make herself available.

 

It sounds like she's not over her ex, but it could also be that she's showing off to make you jealous. In either case, it's not the most ladylike behavior.

 

You could try asking her out again. Right now you're not at the major commitment stage; you're at the "am I going to get a fifth date" stage. If you all have a few more successful dates, you could broach the subject then. Or, you could ask her about sexual exclusivity upfront. Of course, that will lead to a DTR talk. Valentine's Day is also a great excuse to find out whether your lover is keen on you!

[irc333]

To be honest, I think you should communicate to her this relationship she has with her ex, and what she sees out of your current relationship. Don't worry about pressuring her, there are some things you have a right to know.