Philosopher Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I have been doing OLD for over a year now, on both POF and OKCupid. Last year I was generally doing quite well in turning phone number into dates (about 80% or so). However since December three out of the four women I have contacted by phone have either flaked or said they were too busy to meet up . First women: I called her up, we spoke for a few minutes and then I suggested we meet up. She said she needed to check her diary and would get to me. Never got back to me. So I texted her, she replied saying she was busy and would be unable to meet anyone that week and said good luck with your search. Second women: Called her an evening a couple of days after getting her number. She missed the call and a subsequent one. Then arranged a date the next day by text for the week after. The evening before the date she cancelled because she had forget her hair appointment. Texted her back saying that's fine, lets rearrange for another day but never heard back from her. Third women: Again made two calls one evening, both went to voice mail. Thought this seems familiar. Then texted her asking how her day had been. Got back to me the next day and we had a bit to a text conversation, with I intending to arrange a date later that evening. However before that occurred she e-mailed that evening saying she was going travelling in a month's time and could not meet anyone before then. Is there something I'm doing wrong here, have I been messaging the wrong people or have I just been plain unlucky?
OJ loved Nicole Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 2 things: 1.) You never call twice, and most importantly you never call twice then text!! It's needy/borderline psycho behavior. If she is really interested in you she will knock over her first born to answer the call/call you back. She already knows you're interested, you asked for her number and called (hopefully only once). 2.) Women get waaaay more attention online than men do. I had a female friend on POF, she's maybe a 5 out of 10 looks wise (that's probably pushing it). I looked at her inbox and she had 20 plus guys emailing her, she said this is normal for her. You either scared them away with your multiple contact attempts (if you're that clingy without even meeting, you're sending a baaaad message). Or somebody more desirable than you (to her) contacted her. Either way it's ok..... you don't date/pursue unavailable/uninterested women. 2
NYC-BigKat Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I have been doing OLD for over a year now, on both POF and OKCupid. Last year I was generally doing quite well in turning phone number into dates (about 80% or so). However since December three out of the four women I have contacted by phone have either flaked or said they were too busy to meet up . First women: I called her up, we spoke for a few minutes and then I suggested we meet up. She said she needed to check her diary and would get to me. Never got back to me. So I texted her, she replied saying she was busy and would be unable to meet anyone that week and said good luck with your search. Second women: Called her an evening a couple of days after getting her number. She missed the call and a subsequent one. Then arranged a date the next day by text for the week after. The evening before the date she cancelled because she had forget her hair appointment. Texted her back saying that's fine, lets rearrange for another day but never heard back from her. Third women: Again made two calls one evening, both went to voice mail. Thought this seems familiar. Then texted her asking how her day had been. Got back to me the next day and we had a bit to a text conversation, with I intending to arrange a date later that evening. However before that occurred she e-mailed that evening saying she was going travelling in a month's time and could not meet anyone before then. Is there something I'm doing wrong here, have I been messaging the wrong people or have I just been plain unlucky? Uh...I used to chase girls just like u & it never got me anywhere & it wont get u anywhere either sorry. I come to see that when girls make excuses not to meet no matter what the excuse is she dont wanna meet. I had to learn this the hard way .
Mr_Flay Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Here's my take on flaking... As I see it, there are two main reasons: 1) She's not interested enough. Either she was wishy-washy from the start and agreed to a date just because she had nothing better to do, or she received a better offer in the meantime. In OLD, people usually multi-date, arrange several dates in a single week then cancel all others if one of them goes out really well. If you can pique her interest online, if she really enjoys talking to you, she will never flake. In this case, she might even become afraid that you'll flake, which can be evident from some things she says, like asking you to confirm a date multiple times, or expressing concern (jokingly, of course), that you might not show up. If you hear something like that, you can be sure she'll come. 2) She became nervous. That usually happens because she thinks very highly of you. When she accepts an invitation for a date, she feels happy, but as the date approaches, especially on that very date, she gets cold feet because she feels she'll do something stupid and embarrass herself in front of you. Or rational fear may take over, telling her: "Wait, you're traveling 50 miles to meet this guy you've only spoken to online and once on the phone. What' if he's a criminal freak?"...causing her to flake at the last moment. If you want flake-free dating, make your messages upbeat so that you come across like a fun, laid-back guy. This will reassure her that you're not a freak, and she'll eagerly await a date with you.
Cutiepie1976 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Mr Flay hit the nail on the head! With these particular women you described, they weren't interested or were on the fence and changed their minds. It happens. Just keep plugging away. Please bear in mind that there's nothing wrong with a couple of texts or a couple of calls. If she likes you, it simply gets interpreted as sincere interest. That is a positive! Two calls don't make you clingy. Sometimes the person doesn't get the message. There are times when I didn't get a text. If my phone is turned off, I don't get a missed call symbol and your number doesn't show up in my caller ID. Some people don't check voice mail, at least not very regularly. It's smart to try again. If she didn't like you: well, you were going to be creepy, clingy, and all types of wrong whether it was zero, one, two, or more attempts anyway. What I would recommend in the future is two different forms of communication. A call and a text with a day or two in between the first and second communication. From what you shared, you didn't do anything wrong. Just keep trying!
PhillyDude Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Two calls in the same evening.....................LOL
StanMusial Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I had a "Summer of Flaking" last year. My opinion is, if a girl doesn't like me I would rather she reject me outright than flake all over the place. Instead, I had two girls up in my grill until I asked them out... they would enthusiastically agree to a date then disappear... then reappear and jump on my jock... then disappear... I usually give one or two reschedule opportunities then give up.
Author Philosopher Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Thanks for all the advice. In future I will stick to calling girls up only once and then waiting to the next day to send a text if they don't reply.
PhillyDude Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Thanks for all the advice. In future I will stick to calling girls up only once and then waiting to the next day to send a text if they don't reply. It doesn't have to be the next day, it can be 4 or 5 hours later. And yes you need to call ONCE a day and not every day
Imajerk17 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 (edited) If you were able to convert 80% of your numbers to dates, that isn't bad. Meanwhile, these are my specific thoughts on each one (forgive me if I sound like I am nitpicking)... First women: I called her up, we spoke for a few minutes and then I suggested we meet up. She said she needed to check her diary and would get to me. Never got back to me. So I texted her, she replied saying she was busy and would be unable to meet anyone that week and said good luck with your search. If the phone call was choppy, then there probably won't be a date. Why was the phone call so short? I'm not a fan of really long phone conversations (usually) but it needs to have enough in it to show that meeting up will be fun. If it was for 5--10 minutes it better be filled with a lot of banter and laughter. If the first 5--10 minutes are awkward or only small talk I like to stay on the call at least until we reach some sort of high point. You typically have enough material from her profile and emails so that you can prepare for the phone call by having ready some questions/comments for her. Second women: Called her an evening a couple of days after getting her number. She missed the call and a subsequent one. Then arranged a date the next day by text for the week after. The evening before the date she cancelled because she had forget her hair appointment. Texted her back saying that's fine, lets rearrange for another day but never heard back from her. I like to at least acknowledge the number the day of getting it, even if it is to text her to let her know that I will call in a couple of days. I don't like to sit on a number a couple of days.... The major thing here is though... you arranged a date by text a week ahead and then you didn't stay in touch that week. Or at least that is what I am suspecting. That is a recipe for flaking. Third women: Again made two calls one evening, both went to voice mail. Thought this seems familiar. Then texted her asking how her day had been. Got back to me the next day and we had a bit to a text conversation, with I intending to arrange a date later that evening. However before that occurred she e-mailed that evening saying she was going travelling in a month's time and could not meet anyone before then. C'est la vie. Although why don't you just call *once* and leave a message "Hey Jen this is Phil from Match.... I am looking forward to hearing back from you and talking to you soon." Edited February 10, 2013 by Imajerk17 2
SmileFace Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Uh...I used to chase girls just like u & it never got me anywhere & it wont get u anywhere either sorry. I come to see that when girls make excuses not to meet no matter what the excuse is she dont wanna meet. I had to learn this the hard way . So what are doing now to get girls?
Pinky777 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I wouldn't have called those women twice in one evening, next time wait for them to get back to you first. Sure it's annoying when they don't pick up but calling again isn't necessary. If she wants to continue talking to you she'd get back to you. To me it isn't borderline psycho/stalkerish by any means, but just no necessary. I'm trying OLD for the first time and what Mr. Flay says about "multi-dating" is so true. I'm in contact with a bunch of different guys, mostly through email but got a few numbers and have been on a few dates. It's so hard to guage interest just online so then you take it to the phone, to see if we click that way, and for me anyway it's a little awkward talking to someone who's basically a complete stranger. Sometime a guy will seem nice but in the meantime someone else asked them out or they got weirded out by the prospect of meeting someone they don't know from online.
PhillyDude Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I wouldn't have called those women twice in one evening, next time wait for them to get back to you first. Sure it's annoying when they don't pick up but calling again isn't necessary. If she wants to continue talking to you she'd get back to you. To me it isn't borderline psycho/stalkerish by any means, but just no necessary. I'm trying OLD for the first time and what Mr. Flay says about "multi-dating" is so true. I'm in contact with a bunch of different guys, mostly through email but got a few numbers and have been on a few dates. It's so hard to guage interest just online so then you take it to the phone, to see if we click that way, and for me anyway it's a little awkward talking to someone who's basically a complete stranger. Sometime a guy will seem nice but in the meantime someone else asked them out or they got weirded out by the prospect of meeting someone they don't know from online. I think calling the same woman twice in one evening without her responding back is bordeline retarded
Mr_Flay Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I have a fresh winter flaking story from this week. Last weekend I met a girl online, and there was incredible chemistry in those several hours of chatting. This is one of those opportunities you can use to spontaneously set up a date immediately, but the problem is that she lives in a town 100 km away from me, and studies in a town 300 km from me. So she suggested that she could come to my city this weekend, and then maybe next weekend I can travel to her hometown, and I said okay. In the last six days, she seemed like she couldn't wait to meet me, constantly asking indirect questions to test whether I was still interested in meeting her. Yesterday, when we she was supposed to tell me what train she'd take and exactly when she'd arrive, she disappeared. I sent her one e-mail in the course of the day, but no reply. So, either she's dead, or she's become nervous. Just think: she was supposed to travel 100 km to meet a guy she barely knew in a city mostly unknown to her. Maybe she thought nothing of it before, but as the day approached, her anxiety rose. I only blame her for not being open and straightforward with me. Just ignoring somebody is extremely rude. Maybe she'll contact me later today when "the danger has passed" or something.
Author Philosopher Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 I like to at least acknowledge the number the day of getting it, even if it is to text her to let her know that I will call in a couple of days. I don't like to sit on a number a couple of days.... The major thing here is though... you arranged a date by text a week ahead and then you didn't stay in touch that week. Or at least that is what I am suspecting. That is a recipe for flaking. When I have got a number from the girl I have always messaged them on the dating site the same or next day with my number. So provided they checked their messages they should know who is calling. You are largely right about the text messaging though. I did send the odd text after the date had been arranged, but they probably were not enough or flirty enough to keep them interested.
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