TheOW Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Why is it that sex with MM is more comfortable and exciting than with my H ? Why do I feel more open sexually with him ? Is this the case with all A's ? Our sex is amazing and we have done things with each other that we havent with our spouses. I couldnt imagine doing these things with my H it grosses me out thinking of him touching me the way MM does i also know the MM wife is not the adventurous type either. My question is why is sex more exciting with a MM than with a normal relationship ? I'm not trying to belittle BS or brag Im trying to get my head out of this A and one of the things im struggling with is sex.
Pierre Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Why is it that sex with MM is more comfortable and exciting than with my H ? Why do I feel more open sexually with him ? Is this the case with all A's ? Our sex is amazing and we have done things with each other that we havent with our spouses. I couldnt imagine doing these things with my H it grosses me out thinking of him touching me the way MM does i also know the MM wife is not the adventurous type either. My question is why is sex more exciting with a MM than with a normal relationship ? I'm not trying to belittle BS or brag Im trying to get my head out of this A and one of the things im struggling with is sex. The two of you are very much alike. The two of you think along the same lines and want to impress each other in bed. You put on a show and so does he. Sex in the affair is always great. It is like comparing a brand new sports car with an old 10 year old car in the garage. The NEW is always more exciting. I thought you stopped having sex with your H a long time ago. 3
Author TheOW Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 The two of you are very much alike. The two of you think along the same lines and want to impress each other in bed. You put on a show and so does he. Sex in the affair is always great. It is like comparing a brand new sports car with an old 10 year old car in the garage. The NEW is always more exciting. I thought you stopped having sex with your H a long time ago. Yes me and H have not had sex in few years but im trying to get my head out of A and think of MY family and that includes involving myself again with H, it sickens me at the moment the thought of him touching me .. urgh but it is in the best interest of my children. I know i wont enjoy sex with H there is no excitement and im not attracted to him as i am with MM.
woinlove Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I don't think staying married for the children is necessarily in their best interests. Children benefit from examples of a loving relationship. Also, if the idea of sex with your H sickens you, I don't think it is a good idea to try to have sex with him. Are you two in MC? If so, maybe you can discuss your feelings there and decide whether to stay married or not and, if you do stay married, work out a plan on re-establishing intimacy first, without sex. I don't know how honest you have been with your H about the A, but you can't have true intimacy without honesty and openness, and without intimacy, the sex will likely always suck. 5
Pierre Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Yes me and H have not had sex in few years but im trying to get my head out of A and think of MY family and that includes involving myself again with H, it sickens me at the moment the thought of him touching me .. urgh but it is in the best interest of my children. I know i wont enjoy sex with H there is no excitement and im not attracted to him as i am with MM. The best hamburger I ever had was the burger I had yesterday. If I had a similar or better burger years ago I don't remember. Comparing the sex you are actually having now with whatever you did with your H years ago is not practical, there is really no comparison. Tiger Woods thought the sex with the multiple OWs he had was better than sex at home. That the women looked hard or were well below the league of his model quality wife was a moot point. The NEW is always more exciting. It takes special people to enjoy sex with the OLD partner. It takes a lot of imagination and creativity in bed to have great sex with the OLD partner. Those that can achieve that are the ones that are really good in bed. OTOH, having great sex with a NEW partner is relatively easy because most folks with no imagination always seek the NEW to avoid boredom. It takes two to be bored. Your MOM is probably boring in bed with his wife. That is why he needs a NEW body. Lastly, you are emotionally connected to MOM and not connected to your H. That in itself makes a huge difference regarding sex. You and MOM are in love in the affair bubble. The sex is way better than the sex MOM gets at home. However, you know quite well that if there is a d-day MOM will throw you under the bus and pick his wife. How do you feel about that? 6
Author TheOW Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 The best hamburger I ever had was the burger I had yesterday. If I had a similar or better burger years ago I don't remember. Comparing the sex you are actually having now with whatever you did with your H years ago is not practical, there is really no comparison. Tiger Woods thought the sex with the multiple OWs he had was better than sex at home. That the women looked hard or were well below the league of his model quality wife was a moot point. The NEW is always more exciting. It takes special people to enjoy sex with the OLD partner. It takes a lot of imagination and creativity in bed to have great sex with the OLD partner. Those that can achieve that are the ones that are really good in bed. OTOH, having great sex with a NEW partner is relatively easy because most folks with no imagination always seek the NEW to avoid boredom. It takes two to be bored. Your MOM is probably boring in bed with his wife. That is why he needs a NEW body. Lastly, you are emotionally connected to MOM and not connected to your H. That in itself makes a huge difference regarding sex. You and MOM are in love in the affair bubble. The sex is way better than the sex MOM gets at home. However, you know quite well that if there is a d-day MOM will throw you under the bus and pick his wife. How do you feel about that? Honestly at this moment i think it would be easier, then the lying, deceiving would stop we could stop completely it would be easier to move on from him, im not deluded in thinking he would choose me over his wife i know he wont. this is going to sound horrible and insensitive and plain right nasty but at least i wouldnt have to pretend to H that everything is ok, he will kick my ass out and i can then move on .... what is wrong with me thinking this is the easy way out of it all ? I wouldnt reveal to his W or my H ironically i dont want to "betray" MM in that way and i dont want to be labelled and chased by his wife and family neither. But most importantly i do not want to hurt my H in this way finding out like that and my children growing up and thinking this is ok behaviour (u know my parents history) i do not want this for my children.
ComingInHot Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Ow; What did your husband do to you that things are So awful?! Have you always had intimacy issues w/him? Did he say or do things that this is where you are? I'm not curious (maybe a little*) but more so concerned.
Author TheOW Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Are you planning to resume your sex life with your husband while you are actively in the affair or has the affair ended? When the A has ended, i couldnt sleep with 2 men at the same time, MM is the first man i have slept with in a few years.
ComingInHot Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Pierre ..."needs a new body" or do you mean Wants a new body?
Pierre Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Pierre ..."needs a new body" or do you mean Wants a new body? The point is: Men and women that need the NEW to have great sex are probably lacking in the sex department and that is why they need the variety. For women it is not so much the sex, but finding NEW external validation. 9
Author TheOW Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Ow; What did your husband do to you that things are So awful?! Have you always had intimacy issues w/him? Did he say or do things that this is where you are? I'm not curious (maybe a little*) but more so concerned. he has done nothing, i just dont love him anymore i havent done for many years but my mistake was thinking having children would "fix" things it didnt it made it worse. He is a great man and he is trying to please me but im not interested, i just want out and not so i can be with MM that wont happen, im just not happy everything is bringing me down.
ComingInHot Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 What a bummer. Couple things: You Do realize you only have This One life, right? Same for your husband. It is my (humble) opinion that if you cared one iotà for the man you married, the one you Call husband & the father of your children, you would release him from the marriage contract allowing him to live a genuine, authentic life. There is probably (most likely) a woman who would jump at the chance to be w/who you Call a great man/husband. Is there a reason you don't do this for him, for yourself? 6
KathyM Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 For the life of me, I can't understand why some people think that telling the BS the truth about an affair is more hurtful than keeping this huge deception a secret and robbing the BS of the truth of their life and their choices in their own life. Maintaining the lie and deception is far greater of a harm. 15
Pierre Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 he has done nothing, i just dont love him anymore i havent done for many years but my mistake was thinking having children would "fix" things it didnt it made it worse. He is a great man and he is trying to please me but im not interested, i just want out and not so i can be with MM that wont happen, im just not happy everything is bringing me down. You don't love your H because he does not behave like a typical player or philanderer. Your H is not a cheater and he is not smooth with women. He cannot pick up a woman with low self esteem even if she is in front of him. He does not need to pick women with low self esteem because he is a happy man. He is quite happy under his own skin and does not need to bed other women to feel good. I bet that if your H took advantage of your voracious need for validation you would be into him. But, your H is not like that. He is calm and clumsy. YOur H does not know how to meet your needs. It is not rocket science! You need to tell your H about the affair. That would solve all your current problems. BTW, when your daughter grows up. Would you like her to get married to a man like your MOM? 1
Author TheOW Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 What a bummer. Couple things: You Do realize you only have This One life, right? Same for your husband. It is my (humble) opinion that if you cared one iotà for the man you married, the one you Call husband & the father of your children, you would release him from the marriage contract allowing him to live a genuine, authentic life. There is probably (most likely) a woman who would jump at the chance to be w/who you Call a great man/husband. Is there a reason you don't do this for him, for yourself? simple answer -im scared. I have never been on my own in my life and im petrified of bringing my children up without the comforts we are living in now.
Author TheOW Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 You don't love your H because he does not behave like a typical player or philanderer. Your H is not a cheater and he is not smooth with women. He cannot pick up a woman with low self esteem even if she is in front of him. He does not need to pick women with low self esteem because he is a happy man. He is quite happy under his own skin and does not need to bed other women to feel good. I bet that if your H took advantage of your voracious need for validation you would be into him. But, your H is not like that. He is calm and clumsy. YOur H does not know how to meet your needs. It is not rocket science! You need to tell your H about the affair. That would solve all your current problems. BTW, when your daughter grows up. Would you like her to get married to a man like your MOM? Nope both men are old H not as old as MM but still 10 years older than me, i want to be on my own and enjoy life just to be free from them both but i neither have the courage nor the emotional stability for it at this moment. Im happy in this A because its a distraction from the real problem in my life my own M
ComingInHot Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 okay, so when you put that comment in print & read it (maybe out loud), how does that make you feel? I am NOT saying what you're feeling is wrong but I'd like to ask, is it fair to everyone in your life that you care about? The sex part. I'm pretty sure part of tat "greatness" is chemical. Obvious physical attraction along w/the excitement of what is entailed. The flip side is when and thinking about when things go south when the A is revealed. I'm sure the body has chemical reactions to both sides. Even though the sex is phenominal, it is still just sex. I am trying to understand, honestly I am but I think I hit a road block because of my experience w/my fWH's A and what has come to light in our R. May I ask (obviously I'm going to*), What was it like when you felt in love w/your husband? 2
Author TheOW Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 When i fell for my H i was head over heals for him, it wasnt reciporated at first but i kept going thinking this was who i wanted, i loved him and i gave him everything, finally after about a year he was starting to show more affection for me and i was happy for a few years, i then realised that we are just different types of people we have nothing in common and i eventually began to lose friends as i would never leave our house, my choice but i felt it would please him. This went on for years then out of the blue i decided i was too young to be housebound like this and started making new friends it almost broke us up because i was experiencing a new exciting life, so i ditched my friends again and became a hermit once more, work, home, work, home and so on. I thought having kids would change things and we would become more of a family unit and start going out more, nothing has changed im still in the house most of the time only its worse as i do not work anymore. MM came along and has literally gave me everything my H could not, this is not my H fault it is just his character i changed my own character to suit him, again he did not enforce this i dont it on my own free will. MM is very similar to me and we have much in common. I have children now and i just want to be happy again, im not happy im self destructing, im obsessing and starting to overthink things, the only thing that is making me happy right (except my children) is MM, yes im selfish and self centered i dont want to be anymore, i want free from my emotions and thoughts.
ComingInHot Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Ow; I never called you srlfish or destructive but I have to be honest and say that I agree w/you. Have you thought of posible solutions? I mean besides great sex w/another MM? Have you ever talked (not to or at) but WITH you husband? And by saying "talking With" I mean listening to him as well. Maybe he has something to say that you can work with or maybe he says something that will allow the two of you to amicably D w/out anger and making your life difficult. It Might take some of the fear out of your leaving to live the life you want in peace and parenting harmony*?** I LOVE great sex! It has taken a loooooong time to get there w/my husband not because we didn't have sex ALL the time but for me to be able to communicate what I like want and need. I couldn't imagine him doing some of thins I wanted & I was too embarrassed to ask. It was actually finding out that he cheated that I gained my confidence to tell him. Come to find out, he likes a-lot of the same thins I do but he didn't want Me to think him "kinky". Dude. I LOVE some kink! 2
Spark1111 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 When i fell for my H i was head over heals for him, it wasnt reciporated at first but i kept going thinking this was who i wanted, i loved him and i gave him everything, finally after about a year he was starting to show more affection for me and i was happy for a few years, i then realised that we are just different types of people we have nothing in common and i eventually began to lose friends as i would never leave our house, my choice but i felt it would please him. This went on for years then out of the blue i decided i was too young to be housebound like this and started making new friends it almost broke us up because i was experiencing a new exciting life, so i ditched my friends again and became a hermit once more, work, home, work, home and so on. I thought having kids would change things and we would become more of a family unit and start going out more, nothing has changed im still in the house most of the time only its worse as i do not work anymore. MM came along and has literally gave me everything my H could not, this is not my H fault it is just his character i changed my own character to suit him, again he did not enforce this i dont it on my own free will. MM is very similar to me and we have much in common. I have children now and i just want to be happy again, im not happy im self destructing, im obsessing and starting to overthink things, the only thing that is making me happy right (except my children) is MM, yes im selfish and self centered i dont want to be anymore, i want free from my emotions and thoughts. IF this post doesn't scream someone who seeks others and situations to make them happy, I don't know what does! What makes you happy? communicate it to you H clearly. Do NOT change your personality to suit another. All GOOD relationships involve compromise, clear communication, and acceptance. Compatibility is HIGHLY overrated but used as the catch all for every excuse. sex with your AP is risk-free, rejection free fantasy adventure. you can both be whatever you choose to be because there is nothing at stake --no reality involved, no bills, no kids, no obligations, no arguments. stop blowing in the wind being whatever the men in your life expect you to be. find out who you are and be that person. You have children and you are their primary role-model. Time to grow up. 7
ComingInHot Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Spark; Once again you are spot on! Hammer, nail, head* Ow is allowing her fear to ultimately inhibite and damage the lives of others & herself. Although I understand fear is a real emotion, it is just an emotion at that and can be faced , overcome and ultimetly change from fear to fabulous.
GreyhoundtoNowhere Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 a lot of your post reminds me of where I was a year ago (M, but having affair with MOM). I was only married 3 years though, and no kids. My H was 9 years older than me, MM 14. But it took a small break from MOM for me to realize just how happy I was in my life and M and how unfair I was being to my exH. I remember a point where I stopped seeing MOM to give it a real shot with my H, did counseling, and then when I tried to be intimate with my H after the first amazing physical relationship I'd discovered with MOM-- it was awful. I remember lying there with tears in my eyes just waiting for it to be over. And feeling the loss of MOM hurting me more than what I was doing to my H. So, I confessed, and ended my M which were the right steps to take. Unfortunately I'm still in too deep with MM but I know in time it will end. The point is... nothing changes if nothing changes. If you know it's not right, fix it. or change. Good luck.
BehindTheseHazelEyes Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Nope both men are old H not as old as MM but still 10 years older than me, i want to be on my own and enjoy life just to be free from them both but i neither have the courage nor the emotional stability for it at this moment. Im happy in this A because its a distraction from the real problem in my life my own M The problem is you and your entitlement issue. You deserve nothing. You have worked for your H to leave your sorry self. You need to work on your personality and how to be a better person. If you want to be on your own, be honest and say it and don't take what doesn't belong to you. You don't have courage, honesty or stability. And that is the real travesty. Grow up and own it. BTHE
Pierre Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 a lot of your post reminds me of where I was a year ago (M, but having affair with MOM). I was only married 3 years though, and no kids. My H was 9 years older than me, MM 14. But it took a small break from MOM for me to realize just how happy I was in my life and M and how unfair I was being to my exH. I remember a point where I stopped seeing MOM to give it a real shot with my H, did counseling, and then when I tried to be intimate with my H after the first amazing physical relationship I'd discovered with MOM-- it was awful. I remember lying there with tears in my eyes just waiting for it to be over. And feeling the loss of MOM hurting me more than what I was doing to my H. So, I confessed, and ended my M which were the right steps to take. Unfortunately I'm still in too deep with MM but I know in time it will end. The point is... nothing changes if nothing changes. If you know it's not right, fix it. or change. Good luck. Congratulations for leaving your husband. That was admirable from your part, he needed to know the truth. Furthermore, some women can only be with one man at a time. So it was either OM or your H. Clearly your emotional attachment was 100% with MOM. I wish all married people having affairs were like you. Nothing wrong with ending a marriage if your H did not meet your needs. I wish you the best with your new relationship with OM.
Got it Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Why is it that sex with MM is more comfortable and exciting than with my H ? Why do I feel more open sexually with him ? Is this the case with all A's ? Our sex is amazing and we have done things with each other that we havent with our spouses. I couldnt imagine doing these things with my H it grosses me out thinking of him touching me the way MM does i also know the MM wife is not the adventurous type either. My question is why is sex more exciting with a MM than with a normal relationship ? I'm not trying to belittle BS or brag Im trying to get my head out of this A and one of the things im struggling with is sex. Since sex was an issue in my marriage, yes sex was much better just by duration of it. Sex quality with him has not changed from the affair to now. We just connect at a different level than I had in the past. He is more open to being adventurous in bed that has allowed me to be more open and adventurous. Everyone wants sex differently and some people are a better match up than others. *shrug* Hmmmm, I think I need to go back upstairs and wake him up now that you got me thinking about him . . . . :love:
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