Andy833 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 2 and a half years ago the summer of 2010 my life was at a low then the most incredible thing happend to me I met a girl called madelene only problem was this was online, i'm from england and shes from sweden she was fun clever nerdy everything i was looking for the attraction between us was instant and we found ourselfs in love those days together i hold deep in my heart I had never felt love of this level before someone who loves me for who i am who cared so much I knew in my heart that she was the one the one i had been searching my whole life for she had said the same back to me i genuinly believed it I could not commit to make the visit to see her I had no job, no money and times got tough she changed, became distant, met a new guy did it make me jealous.. yea a bit I'm wise now when it comes to love past relationships, the hurt anguish pain despair of what people have done to me in the past I know the signs, I'm not stupid she breaks up with me and blames it on me saying its jealousy of her "friends" is the reason but i knew the real reason yea it hurt but i knew i did nothing wrong to her i find out a week later on my birthday the new guy in her life had gone to stay with her I was heart broken but at the end of the day.. I could not give her what she needed and that was to be there with her I let her go, I wanted her to be happy I said some bad things out of anger as we all do when you feel betrayed when i feel i got the blame for her wrong doing ofc emotions get in the way of what i really wanted to say But i moved on, as much as it hurt she said she didnt want me in her life so i respected that, got a job, joined the gym, looked after myself and i had never felt better but still everyday i would think about her, wondering if she was happy I never stopped loving her wished upon all the shooting stars, prayed every night wondering if i would ever meet the most amazing girl i had ever met for months i dwelled if i should contact her or not wondering if she felt the same 6 months pass and i nearly died my lung collapsed and i was 2 hours away from dying I had seen other girls but i would always compare them to Madelene they didnt even come close to the way she made me feel maybe because i was still inlove with her. i dont know I'm laying in hospital thinking life is to short to not chase your dreams to spend a life time wondering what if ? I contacted her and asked how she was, if she wanted to catch up my heart in my throat anxious nervous wondering if she would reply then out of the blue her name flashes up on messenger my heart beated so hard i could hear the thumping in my head we talked for hours and hours day after day, finaly the girl of my dreams was back in my life all the old feelings came flooding back she had seen i changed for the better, had money was more attractive than ever we soon found ourselfs back in a reltionship only this time i was determined to make it work we played it casual for some months I had to build up trust again and be sure she wont repeat her mistake of the past Finaly 18 months from when we first met, a day after my birthday we met in person those first 12 days with her was just simply the best days of my life the spark chemestry connection it was all there the love felt so pure and true she said she thought about me everyday we was apart she said she never stopped loving me losing me was the biggest mistake of her life and she never wants to lose me again meeting me was the best thing that ever happend to her she asked me to come back as it was the start of something so special so i gave her my heart fully with the promise she would never break it again I dedicated myself to her and payed to visit many times from april - october 12 days 4 days 1 week 2 weeks 4 days 10 days to have the money to make it work i worked so hard, 60 hour weeks to afford it, to afford to take that much time off work i took her out bought her food i payed for it all i cooked for her i cleaned shared everything i had, made love to her so good the times we had was special and i treated her like a queen I cooked for her family even cooked a bbq for her dad and his friends she had never been so happy, her whole family had thanked me for treating her so good her mother thought so highly of me she called me her future son in law she would say i was perfect that i was the love of her life that she wants me for eternity we was even looking at apartments to rent together because i believed that she was commited buying stuff from ikea together for our future place I was prepared to sacrifice my whole life in England for her and move there to live what more could i possibly do, what more could she possibly ask for I stayed the last time in october after another perfect amazing 10 days I nearly missed the flight home that day and how i wish now that i did so sad everytime i leave, the sadness in our eyes the ache in our heart wishing for the next time like it was tomorrow the last day with her we played online together in her kitchen she met a new guy that day i thought nothing of it because i knew she was commited to me, right there next to me loving me like no other shes making new friends, great i was happy for her I'm on the train home after the flight back to england trying to talk to her thinking shes missing me like i miss her she online playing with her new friend hardly talking to me lonely sad stuck on a train going back to where im from, wishing that i was back in sweden by her side I was a bit upset but i didnt show it We had just planned a christmas together for the first time in 3 years i was going to supprise her with a visit on her birthday in 4 weeks so i was happy at the thought of that but i knew i had to work extra hard to pay for it the next 3 weeks i worked 6 days a week for 12 hours a day spent 500 pounds on tickets 600 pounds on presents for her and her family.. even her pets I would log on messenger at work to talk to her but she was playing with this guy I would get home from work to play online with her but shes playing with this guy I would go to bed and she would stay up late chatting to this guy I said to her i think shes spending to much time with him, not enough with me and i think thats fair for all my efforts, why discard the person you love so much one thats doing so much to be with her why the sudden need for change when everything was so perfect She tells her new friends what i said and they verbaly abuse me I ask her kindly to not play with guys that are going to be rude to me she said no, we argued, i bought up the past because im wary of the signs saying i dont want to be hurt again she broke up with me 3 days before i visit, i had no proof what was going on but i knew once again she blamed me for being jealous and that i dont trust her as her reasons for breaking up i did trust her but i know from past hurt when the trust begins to fade, and it did fade lack of commitment a chnge in personality neglect starts to make me question her actions she finished with me, deleted me off everything the day we broke up, ignored my texts i thought she was over reacting i went there anyway on the day i was supposed to visit after all if she really did love me and respect everything i did for her she would atleast be decent enough to meet me, give my stuff back and talk to me give me some awnsers, some closure but no.. she dumped my stuff outside the airport and ignored my calls, my texts left me out in the cold like i never meant a thing, not even an offer of a sofa to sleep on so i booked a hotel and tried to be civil with her after all what did i do wrong in the whole relationship ? complained about her spending to much time with this guy saying how it made me feel if you love someone so much then you respect thier feelings right ? you dont do things to hurt them she started calling me a stalker because i wanted to give her the birthday card i had bought with me I spoke to her father and asked politely if i could talk she said no i spoke with him, he said i was a great guy and thanked me for makng her so happy he said he will miss me, that i was as good as family to him he hugged me with a tear in his eye and said he loves me offered me money offered me a lift to town, to the airport. i said no and walked away thats not stalking, its being polite and civil just wanting some awnsers for her to show me just a little compassion for the effort and sacrifice i made show some respect and understanding of the love, the connection we shared I asked her to meet me in town before i go home, she did not show I cross the road to the busses to find out what one goes to the airport A bus goes past and shes sitting on the window seat i walk over as the bus stopped at the lights and asked her to talk yea i said the wrong things that day but she said she loves me i asked her if it was because she met someone else and she looked me in the eyes and said no i just want to be myself i did not know what to believe, just why drop me so easy after all i done I go back home and leave it for a week, i was angry, sad, emotional we talked again and i got angry at her called her a bitch in the heat of the moment for wasting my time, asking why she does not appreciate what i had done to make it real between us she deleted me blocked me ignored me treated me like i never existed never meant a thing emailed me back saying she hates me, she dont love me because i stalked her when i did not and that she never wants to hear from me again i ask text email asking for closure asking for awnsers for everything i had done for her its the least i deserve I had gone from the all time high to the all time low in my life full time worker full time lover to a full time depressed jobless alchoholic depressed, drinking everyday taking drugs all alone nobody to talk to crying out for help but nobody feels my pain, all i get is hate going out of my mind, the pain the heartache the empty feeling inside crying myself to sleep every night texting her bad things for treating me so bad but only making it worse she starts to tell people that im a bad guy that i was a bad boyfriend to her that i meant nothing saying **** about me to my best friend.. making me more angry more desperate I said some awefull things to her, im out of my mind, insane same questions in my head over and over.. no awnsers slowly making me lose my sanity pleading abusing apologising to her asking why what did i do wrong ? i said my feelings and got dumped i asked for awnsers and got hated, treated like i meant nothing I get told she cheated a week before we broke up, that she left me for this new guy, i asked about, made a few lies and forced the truth and it all makes sence now my suspisions got confirmed all the hate and blame gets put on me to hide her guilt blaming me to make it look like she never did a thing wrong all the promises all the words of love was all lies my money my time my love i invested in her, it didnt mean a thing no remorse for her actions, not even a thankyou I gave everything of myself into this reltionship and treated her like a goddess when we was together and i get called a bad boyfriend ? i get called a liar ? a stalker ? scum ? for what... why I dont understand how someone could be so cruel to me for giving so much intstead of just being honest.. decent.. kind.. atleast show me a bit of respect for what i did i feel taken for granted.. used.. I never felt betrayal this bad in my life 10 weeks on and the pains the same she ruined me but do i still love her... yes.. i dont know why.... was i a fool to go back ?
gonegaga Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Sorry for the both of you guys... i perfectly understand how you feel and i absolutely agree with mutantswordfish. It hurts a lot, even on a physical level. The only solution is acceptance, just waiting for things to get better and going through our own personal hell . You can't let a person destroy your life, you make your own luck and happiness in life. It's just that sometimes you fall in love with the idea of a person or the qualities you believe you've seen in that person, not with the person his/herself. The problem sometimes comes when there's a fight between heart and rationality, like in my case. My relationship with a man living in the uk, while i live in Italy, ended up more or less the same way. I bought plane tickets a short time before i was supposed to visit him, and a couple of days before my departure told me not to come. After that we had a brief email exchange and then he completely and literally erased me from his life. Feel like used toilet paper, not even like a tissue . It's a long and complicated story, but probably was a self- and consequently other people deceit. By the way he let me believe, and i believed it, i could move to his country and start a new life with him. I really would have done that, i was ready, but this was not the way things were meant to be, probably. Now i'm suffering like a dog, but can't compell or beg anyone to be with me. You have all my empathy and support guys!!! life might bring lots of pain, but also lots of surprises, never ever give up (i am telling you this while my heart is completely broken, don't sleep, don't eat, i'm paralysed). Happiness is not mandatory in life, but the need and search for it is a right!
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