Won't now be seeing my MM lover for Valentine's?/Frustration

February 9, 2013

I recently started a new job about a month ago after a while being unemployed, so was extra keen to give a good impression with attendance whilst settling in. However, recently I decided to take a day's leave near Valentine's i.e the day after being a Friday when I also happened to be scheduled an annual gas check appointment at home which was overdue, so planned to do both i.e see him as well on the same day. I told him this two weeks ago and was pleased when he said that we could go out that day after the gasman had gone. Now yesterday when I confirmed with him that I got the ok from work to have this day off, he said it is unlikely we'll meet now then as his wife has a new contract and it'll be hard to just wander off. I also have a dentist appointment the day before i.e Valentine's itself (the soonest available), when it's been agreed with work that I'll go in for a half day beforehand, but don't think I'd be comfortable to meet him afterwards as will be having a tooth out (am currently in pain). I'm now regretting not asking for a day's leave for then too, but obviously I didn't realise that Friday's plans would fall apart. Also when I told work that would need the afternoon off for next Thurs for a dentist appointment, the secretary said "What on Valentine's day?!" I am now thinking on Mon when I go in to work to tell them that unfortunately my dentist has had to make the appointment earlier that day or perhaps saying there was a mix up, so then I would be able to see him then (obviously that evening's not going to happen and he hasn't suggested any other evening next week). I'm also going to see if I can change the dentist appointment to next Fri when I have a day's leave, but am guessing that day will be booked up now. I also plan to go to the theatre next Sat afternoon. Tbh I wouldn't be too disappointed if he made up for not seeing me next Fri if he sent some flowers for example along with a card, but somehow think that he probably won't do that unless I see him in person. I'd hope for more than a card in the post and I've got him one too (along with some cupcakes), but obviously can't send a card as don't have his address. Any advice please? It's times like this when I just want a normal boyfriend, but realise being 34 who would like to meet someone and have kids one day, I've not really the time to wait indefinitely for someone who may or may not leave his wife and (adult) kids!

Edited February 9, 2013 by goldengirl11

February 9, 2013

Hellfire girl, I want to give you a kick up the backside!

You are running your life around someone who is not making time for you. Plan your life for yourself, not him.

February 9, 2013

I forgot to say that we've been involved/seeing each other for 6/7 months, after we were friends/old colleagues before. Not that I guess it makes much/any difference to this scenario though!

February 9, 2013

k, apart from being very much against valentines day, i will not go on about that and i'll just say this:

you choose to be second fiddle. you need to accept everything that comes with that title.

February 9, 2013

If your goal is marriage and kids, and you are now 34 years old, do NOT date MM!!

I would join a singles dating service, as it increases the odds of meeting lots of different people. Enjoy your time with them, and strive to achieve your goal!

February 9, 2013

k, apart from being very much against valentines day, i will not go on about that and i'll just say this:

you choose to be second fiddle. you need to accept everything that comes with that title.

I understand what you're saying. He tells me I'm not a back up plan (when I've asked if that's how he sees me) and when I go quiet he contacts me to say so i.e he's not heard from me and wants to know how I am etc, so don't feel like I'm doing all the running. It's just that often I need to think twice when making plans if there's a chance to see him. I also secretly feel a bit bitter as before we got involved last year, he told me he had a crush on one of his wife's friends who he said he wanted to be with and had the feeling she may feel the same, but then she emigrated abroad with her boyfriend! He said though not that long ago that he and his wife are getting along a bit better i.e had a few chats, but that the flame went out long ago. Also a factor why he's hesitant to leave is because I want to get married and have kids one day, whereas he's done all that. He's also said he doesn't want to regret not being with me properly though, but he doesn't think (and said that he thinks I'll agree with this) that we haven't really spent enough time together to know.

Edited February 9, 2013 by goldengirl11

February 9, 2013

If your goal is marriage and kids, and you are now 34 years old, do NOT date MM!!

I would join a singles dating service, as it increases the odds of meeting lots of different people. Enjoy your time with them, and strive to achieve your goal!

Thanks. I did recently (properly) join a dating site and am also hoping to go to a speeddating event next week, so am trying not to be too hung up on him!

Edited February 9, 2013 by goldengirl11

February 9, 2013

Stop, stop, stop! Your career must be a higher priority than this!

If nothing else, listen to this!

His marriage and career are both higher priorities than you. If they weren't, he'd insist on seeing you, regardless of his wife's plans. He'd find a way, even if it risked being discovered.

Please don't lie to your employers to make time for him.

February 9, 2013

Very simple - if you WANT TO get the man, you have to make him to "invest" on you. Here the "invest" does not only mean money-wise, but including that too. He has to MAKE EFFORT (time-wise, if he is married) to see you, to meet you, to bring you out to nice restaurant to dining often, buy you (expensive, not cheap) gift.

That is common sense in life (everyone knows that) when a single guy chooses wife, they always utilize the "investing-payout" rule to see if that woman deserves his effort.

I recently started a new job about a month ago after a while being unemployed, so was extra keen to give a good impression with attendance whilst settling in. However, recently I decided to take a day's leave near Valentine's i.e the day after being a Friday when I also happened to be scheduled an annual gas check appointment at home which was overdue, so planned to do both i.e see him as well on the same day. I told him this two weeks ago and was pleased when he said that we could go out that day after the gasman had gone. Now yesterday when I confirmed with him that I got the ok from work to have this day off, he said it is unlikely we'll meet now then as his wife has a new contract and it'll be hard to just wander off. I also have a dentist appointment the day before i.e Valentine's itself (the soonest available), when it's been agreed with work that I'll go in for a half day beforehand, but don't think I'd be comfortable to meet him afterwards as will be having a tooth out (am currently in pain). I'm now regretting not asking for a day's leave for then too, but obviously I didn't realise that Friday's plans would fall apart. Also when I told work that would need the afternoon off for next Thurs for a dentist appointment, the secretary said "What on Valentine's day?!" I am now thinking on Mon when I go in to work to tell them that unfortunately my dentist has had to make the appointment earlier that day or perhaps saying there was a mix up, so then I would be able to see him then (obviously that evening's not going to happen and he hasn't suggested any other evening next week). I'm also going to see if I can change the dentist appointment to next Fri when I have a day's leave, but am guessing that day will be booked up now. I also plan to go to the theatre next Sat afternoon. Tbh I wouldn't be too disappointed if he made up for not seeing me next Fri if he sent some flowers for example along with a card, but somehow think that he probably won't do that unless I see him in person. I'd hope for more than a card in the post and I've got him one too (along with some cupcakes), but obviously can't send a card as don't have his address. Any advice please? It's times like this when I just want a normal boyfriend, but realise being 34 who would like to meet someone and have kids one day, I've not really the time to wait indefinitely for someone who may or may not leave his wife and (adult) kids!

February 9, 2013

I understand what you're saying. He tells me I'm not a back up plan (when I've asked if that's how he sees me) and when I go quiet he contacts me to say so i.e he's not heard from me and wants to know how I am etc, so don't feel like I'm doing all the running. It's just that often I need to think twice when making plans if there's a chance to see him. I also secretly feel a bit bitter as before we got involved last year, he told me he had a crush on one of his wife's friends who he said he wanted to be with and had the feeling she may feel the same, but then she emigrated abroad with her boyfriend! He said though not that long ago that he and his wife are getting along a bit better i.e had a few chats, but that the flame went out long ago. Also a factor why he's hesitant to leave is because I want to get married and have kids one day, whereas he's done all that. He's also said he doesn't want to regret not being with me properly though, but he doesn't think (and said that he thinks I'll agree with this) that we haven't really spent enough time together to know.

Oy. If you can't accept this relationship for what it is and stop having illusions of beng with him then you need to get out pronto. Focus on yourself and live your life according to what you want instead of arranging things around him. There is no future with this man from what you posted. He is only in it for the affair. Make your life number one.

February 9, 2013

I understand what you're saying. He tells me I'm not a back up plan (when I've asked if that's how he sees me) and when I go quiet he contacts me to say so i.e he's not heard from me and wants to know how I am etc, so don't feel like I'm doing all the running. It's just that often I need to think twice when making plans if there's a chance to see him. I also secretly feel a bit bitter as before we got involved last year, he told me he had a crush on one of his wife's friends who he said he wanted to be with and had the feeling she may feel the same, but then she emigrated abroad with her boyfriend! He said though not that long ago that he and his wife are getting along a bit better i.e had a few chats, but that the flame went out long ago. Also a factor why he's hesitant to leave is because I want to get married and have kids one day, whereas he's done all that. He's also said he doesn't want to regret not being with me properly though, but he doesn't think (and said that he thinks I'll agree with this) that we haven't really spent enough time together to know.

OK, from your posts, I have to tell you that he is right, you are not a backup plan - you are not a plan at all. Just a free piece of ass and that's exactly how he treats you. Either you are OK with that no string attached sex or you need to move on. But why would you make him a priority in your life when he is not making you one in his?

Oh and if you really want kids and are already 34 you need to get serious fast. And this guy is not a serious relationship.

February 9, 2013

Also a factor why he's hesitant to leave is because I want to get married and have kids one day, whereas he's done all that. He's also said he doesn't want to regret not being with me properly though, but he doesn't think (and said that he thinks I'll agree with this) that we haven't really spent enough time together to know.

You are wasting the tail end of your biological fertile clock, your youth, your most precious time in life with a so-called man that only wants you as his concubine. Before you know it 5-6 years will go by.

Why do you have such an abysmal low self esteem?

Why is this so-called man taking advantage of your extreme need for external validation? Wishing for a card and flowers when he treats you as his concubine with no hope of ever having a legit relationship.

Leave this man right away and seek counseling. Why do you settle for a man that wants you to be the concubine?

Could it be he treats you better than single men?

February 9, 2013

I recently started a new job about a month ago after a while being unemployed, so was extra keen to give a good impression with attendance whilst settling in. However, recently I decided to take a day's leave near Valentine's i.e the day after being a Friday when I also happened to be scheduled an annual gas check appointment at home which was overdue, so planned to do both i.e see him as well on the same day. I told him this two weeks ago and was pleased when he said that we could go out that day after the gasman had gone. Now yesterday when I confirmed with him that I got the ok from work to have this day off, he said it is unlikely we'll meet now then as his wife has a new contract and it'll be hard to just wander off. I also have a dentist appointment the day before i.e Valentine's itself (the soonest available), when it's been agreed with work that I'll go in for a half day beforehand, but don't think I'd be comfortable to meet him afterwards as will be having a tooth out (am currently in pain). I'm now regretting not asking for a day's leave for then too, but obviously I didn't realise that Friday's plans would fall apart. Also when I told work that would need the afternoon off for next Thurs for a dentist appointment, the secretary said "What on Valentine's day?!" I am now thinking on Mon when I go in to work to tell them that unfortunately my dentist has had to make the appointment earlier that day or perhaps saying there was a mix up, so then I would be able to see him then (obviously that evening's not going to happen and he hasn't suggested any other evening next week). I'm also going to see if I can change the dentist appointment to next Fri when I have a day's leave, but am guessing that day will be booked up now. I also plan to go to the theatre next Sat afternoon. Tbh I wouldn't be too disappointed if he made up for not seeing me next Fri if he sent some flowers for example along with a card, but somehow think that he probably won't do that unless I see him in person. I'd hope for more than a card in the post and I've got him one too (along with some cupcakes), but obviously can't send a card as don't have his address. Any advice please? It's times like this when I just want a normal boyfriend, but realise being 34 who would like to meet someone and have kids one day, I've not really the time to wait indefinitely for someone who may or may not leave his wife and (adult) kids!

OMG this sounds obsessive!

My head is spinning.

You mean this is what the thousands of texts and calls are about in the affair?

Do not take a day off from work without having your own plan for what YOU will be doing, seeing and going that day.

if he can join you, fine. If not, you DO IT ANYWAY. DO not pick up your phone to reassure him,or miss him, or in any way let him feel less guilty for being unable to join you on your wonderful adventure.

It is your day off. make it count. Eff him.

with that being said, what are you doing with a MM who makes no time for you, changes plans at the last minute and goes home to his REAL life...his wife and family where they remain unaware that he is a double slime ball?

Dump him and date not one, but many available men where you tell them the truth of seeing others, getting to know people, and do NOT plan to be sexual with ANY of them until you have a RELATIONSHIP where someone treats you with kindness and respect.

February 9, 2013

k, apart from being very much against valentines day, i will not go on about that and i'll just say this:

you choose to be second fiddle. you need to accept everything that comes with that title.

YOu took the words right out of my mouth... I was about to write "Get used to it and deal with it because you will always be left out of celebrations and special events whilever you choose to be the OW">

February 9, 2013

k, apart from being very much against valentines day, i will not go on about that and i'll just say this:

you choose to be second fiddle. you need to accept everything that comes with that title.

Exactly!

I used to visit this hairstylist who was a proud OW.

She was so stupid that she would get angry when her MM's wife would call while they were together.

I don't go to her anymore because I am not giving my money to an OW and I am tired to listening to her complain about her situation.

When this woman was bemoaning her circumstances, I just said: "A wife has the right to call her husband any time she wants. You are just the side dish and no matter what he tells you, his wife is first in his heart. That is why he goes home to her and not you."

February 10, 2013

My advice, don't make anyone a priority that doesn't do the same.

My heart hurts for you. You really don't deserve this.

Don't accept crumbs. When someone loves you, they will move mountains for you.

Seriously.

And if they don't, they are not worth it, and move forward.

February 10, 2013

Don't rearrange your life for him. He is just temporary. Your life, career, friends, and family are more important. They will be there when he is gone.

I hope you aren't in this situation on next Valentine's Day. Live your life.

February 10, 2013

Just to say (for now) thanks for all the replies. They've certainly given me a bit to think about!

February 10, 2013

Don't waste your life on this guy. You are 34 and want a real relationship and children. Don't waste your time on someone who is not available. Hoping for breadcrumbs on Valentines Day sounds so pathetic. There are single men whom you could have a real relationship with who would be there for you and give you the time and attention that a real relationship provides. Life is too short to waste it on grasping for breadcrumbs from someone else's husband. You need to value yourself more than this, and not be willing to accept this crap from cheating men.

February 11, 2013

When the bad in an affair outweighs the good, it is time to move on no matter how hard it is. If you can't find your balance with it, and it sounds like you won't, you will only get more miserable.

This MM you are involved with seems to put very little into it, so before he strings you along for the rest of your child bearing years, drop him for good and focus your energy on finding somebody to have kids with. You need to start tomorrow, so you'd need to end the A today. It takes at least 2-3 years from meeting a potential romantic interest to trying to concieve, so abandon the A and focus on your priorities.

February 11, 2013

I'd hope for more than a card in the post and I've got him one too (along with some cupcakes), but obviously can't send a card as don't have his address. Any advice please? It's times like this when I just want a normal boyfriend, but realise being 34 who would like to meet someone and have kids one day, I've not really the time to wait indefinitely for someone who may or may not leave his wife and (adult) kids!

He isn't leaving. deep down I think you know this.

You want a bf who will shower you with love and affection ALL day and ALL night on Valentines Day - It won't be him. He just can't. You know this too, he is going to spend Vday with his wife. And he should because they're married.

You are putting so much love and energy into an affair when it's not going anywhere. He is much more to you than you are to him. You can't even send him a card in case his wife or someone else finds it. Ouch.

Take time now to think about if all this is worth it. You are worth much more than waiting in the wings hoping to spend time with him when he has the time for you.

GO make plans for Vday with some friends and put him out of your head that day. Really! Enjoy and spend some $$ on yourself, go shopping, have a massage or pedicure.

February 11, 2013

He isn't leaving. deep down I think you know this.

I don't know tbh, but I'm not betting on it. I secretly wonder at times though, if he might be waiting for me to meet someone else. Although he's seemed to act jealous when there's been a guy chatting me up before, but he obviously still wants to keep his options open for the timebeing.

You can't even send him a card in case his wife or someone else finds it. Ouch.

We've exchanged cards before at Xmas (we weren't in touch last V day), but wouldn't expect to have his address I guess. And I suppose there are e-cards (not the same as a physical one I don't think though).

GO make plans for Vday with some friends and put him out of your head that day. Really! Enjoy and spend some $$ on yourself, go shopping, have a massage or pedicure.

I'm actually having a tooth taken out that afternoon and looks like I will be working earlier! I'm considering going to a speeddating event in the evening though.

Edited February 11, 2013 by goldengirl11

February 11, 2013

It would probably just end up in the trash. It's not like he can take anything home should she give it to him. Or he would say: keep it here for me.

Yes, still got half a box of chocs here!

February 12, 2013

I forgot to say that we've been involved/seeing each other for 6/7 months, after we were friends/old colleagues before. Not that I guess it makes much/any difference to this scenario though!

Seriously? You expected any different? If you're involved with a married man Valentine's Day is just a reminder that he's putting his wife first.

If you wish to stay involved with a married man, that's your decision. But at least don't kid, fool yourself.

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Won't now be seeing my MM lover for Valentine's?/Frustration

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