Math13 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I don't quite know how to write this, I've never been too great with words and just thinking about typing this out is bringing on the tears again. I'm sorry that this will be so long, but I feel I need to type or do something to stop me obsessing. She and I had met under strange circumstances, she was 16 and I 21, now I know that is a pretty big age gap, but at the time we were both under the impression that we were around each others age. She was a friend of a friend as I had just gone to university after working for a couple of years and doing some extra education in the mean time. We'd started texting and I thought she was 18 or 19 and she thought the same for me. However after about 3 weeks of messaging we found out the actual age gap and of course decided not to see each other. But she'd keep messaging me eventually and wanted to meet up and after a couple more weeks of me saying no, our chemistry just seemed too good not to at least meet this girl. It was love on the first date for me, and her too I think. Even though she was young she was very intelligent and we just clicked, before continuing on in the relationship I met her parents and got their approval and for the next two years we lived for each other and I know that I experienced the most happy and intense love I will ever experience. However, I'm certainly not perfect, and we had our little struggles, and I had some big struggles, mainly with depression. I have a pretty serious eye condition making my vision very poor. I find it quite difficult to cope with university work due to this, and I let my studies slip and had to repeat the year of university. I was relying on her for a lot of support, and for someone so young I can now see how much strain that will have put on the relationship. I can't drive due to my eyes, and I'm very nervous about looking for work because I'm never sure if I'll be completely useless, and it's a viscous cycle of being depressed because I want to do things with my life and feel like I'm doing well, and want to be able to support her and myself, but finding my physical limitations hard to deal with. I made a mistake at the two year mark, I was trying to pull myself out of a rut, I'd been going to the gym and exercising, I'd done some of the best work in university and felt like I was really progressing, but I'd started talking to a female friend and my insecurities took over. I asked for a break with my girlfriend because I was confused, and went out with this other girl for a few dates. It was the single biggest mistake of my life, I immediately regretted it, hated myself for it, and told my girlfriend everything. It was hard but she forgave me, I think from that point on I knew that I wanted her for the rest of my life, but I hated myself for what I'd done. I quickly went back in to the same rut, I tried to spend the summer improving myself, but failed and I think she could see what was happening to me. I sometimes took my frustration out on her, even though not very often, it must have been hard for her, as she always tried to help me. Once university started back up again, she said she wanted to leave me, and I was crushed, but she came over and after a lot of crying and talking she decided she still loved me and wanted to be with me. We carried on for another couple of months, I'd made a much bigger effort this time, I'd been studying harder, going to the gym, opening up to her a lot more. Although not perfect things were looking up for me at least. However, it seems it was too little too late. She asked for space, and said she didn't know how she felt, and that she wanted to be on her own. I then found out she's been talking to another guy for about a month, and seeing him on nights out with her friends. I'm totally crushed, I can't function, and I feel like the only thing I had in my life that made it worth living has disappeared. I understand why she went to someone else, she wasn't getting what she needed from me, and for that I will never forgive myself. I don't think I can ever forgive myself for letting down the most amazing person I could ever hope to meet, and all I want is a chance to show her I can be the man needs me to be. I'm totally broken, and I know coping with this will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do, I have a counselling session coming up to help me with my depression, and to get me through uni so I can get out in to the world. I've been at the gym as much as I can, and I'm trying to improve myself. I still have hope that I can get her back, that I can show her why she loved me, and what she saw in me. Thanks for reading.
Zetarry Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 (edited) Dear Math, Welcome to LS. From what i read i understand she is 19 now and you are 24. I don't understand why you think 5 years difference is an impediment, i know plenty of people, including me, who can testify the opposite. It can be tricky in the sense that you met her and she was young and she may want to be apart from you for a while to find herself and decide what she wants to do in the future. It can also be, as you said, that she may have an attachment to the other guy and want to break things Off completely. Only she knows that. If she has the 'grass is greener' syndrome and is just looking for a break it is imperative you do not contact her and leave her space to figure out what she wants. It could Take months, it could take years. If you love her that much it is difficult not to want to fight for her, but trying to win her back by begging is not going to help much. I believe you must have a conversation where you can ask her what she wants and try to figure out her plans regarding your relationship. My X broke it off suddenly with me more than 4 yrs ago saying he still loves me and that we would eventually get back together but that at the time he was not the best thing for me so i waited 2 years in vain. You need to continue with ur Uni and ask for extra help, just like dyslexia, the fact that your sight is slightly impaired should determine alternative forms of assessment of additional help from staff with assessments. You should focus on continuing your studies, go to gym and finding a job you will enjoy doing. It is normal to feel frustrated sometimes and depressed, but that's what family and therapy are there for. You must feel down and hurt right now, but if you have confidence and balance in your life, you will become a better man who another woman will appreciate if the one you love doesn't. Edited February 9, 2013 by Zetarry
Author Math13 Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Thanks Zettary, I know I shouldn't contact her, She'd text me twice in the following days after the breakup but I resisted the urge to text her back, however today I gave in, and sent her a text simply wishing her luck in starting her new voluntary work, but didn't say much more than that. I haven't begged for her back, even though I want to, but I feel I can't just give up on it. I'd already bought her some gifts for valentines day a couple of weeks back as they've had to come in from the US, so I was planning to go and drop the gifts off at her home. If i saw her I would just act as happy as I could, maybe tell her how my work has come along, and I've lost a pretty substantial amount of weight in the last month and a half, so I'm looking very different. I know it might be too soon, but I want to maybe give her a glimpse of the possible new me, and I'm also worried that if I leave it too late she may have progressed further with another guy. I'll still keep up no contact afterwards until it seems she's interested again, but I just want to fight for us, even if it is indirect and behind the scenes. That's my current strategy anyway, sometimes I get a little bit of hope, then it just disappears at the thought of her with another guy.
Zetarry Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Thanks Zettary, I know I shouldn't contact her, She'd text me twice in the following days after the breakup but I resisted the urge to text her back, however today I gave in, and sent her a text simply wishing her luck in starting her new voluntary work, but didn't say much more than that. I haven't begged for her back, even though I want to, but I feel I can't just give up on it. I'd already bought her some gifts for valentines day a couple of weeks back as they've had to come in from the US, so I was planning to go and drop the gifts off at her home. If i saw her I would just act as happy as I could, maybe tell her how my work has come along, and I've lost a pretty substantial amount of weight in the last month and a half, so I'm looking very different. I know it might be too soon, but I want to maybe give her a glimpse of the possible new me, and I'm also worried that if I leave it too late she may have progressed further with another guy. I'll still keep up no contact afterwards until it seems she's interested again, but I just want to fight for us, even if it is indirect and behind the scenes. That's my current strategy anyway, sometimes I get a little bit of hope, then it just disappears at the thought of her with another guy. I don't know, Math, some people would say "you're just a fool, you're giving her presents trying to win her back and maybe she is fooling around with another man and what you're doing is demeaning', But honestly, i think it's very sweet what you're trying to do, I just hope it sends the right message to her and when she sees you maybe she will have another thought about your history together. I would say go for it, talk to her without going into much detail, just read her signs, u will know how the conversation will go once you see how she acts. And I agree, NC afterward, maybe she will send a 'thank you' text for the gifts, just say 'you're welcome' and that's it. Hopefully she'll come around and realise how much she hurt you
blotter Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I hate to say this but how often do you think relationships last long term when one of the partners was 16? I would think close to zero. Sixteen is just so young. She is going to be going to college and meeting all new people, new guys, she is going to want to experiment and date/sleep around. That's just how it is nowadays. Enjoy it for what it was, young love, and move on cause she probably is. 1
Author Math13 Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Thanks Zettary, I appreciate the advice. and to Blotter, I completely understand where you're coming from, and if I was on the outside looking in I'd say the exact same thing. Although what we have is young love, it's still love and I know that even though it may be difficult, I'm willing to wait and put in all the work that's needs to be put to make it work. The way I see it is no matter what relationship I enter, there are going to be some some issues and bumps in the road. I feel like I'd rather put in the work to make it work with someone I know I respect and could be with for the rest of my life, rather than just let her go and hope I'll be able to find someone else. That doesn't mean I won't let it go if it needs to be let go, but I'm just not prepared to just give up. She has talked to me today, She'd sent a few messages before I replied. I tried to make the conversation as positive as possible, and to make sure she knows I'm ok and feeling positive. She's still saying she loves me and that she's thinking of me all the time, but I think that's more out of habit/sympathy at this point. But if I keep playing it cool and working on myself, she'll see that we'll be able to work through the upcoming tougher years.
TaraMaiden Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Read the No Contact Guide in my signature. 5 years is nothing - when life has given you a dose of experience, and you've had time to mature... 5 years separates my H. and I - I am older than him, but us together, you'd be hard put to know who is older.... but at your age, the gap is more telling. She has in no way finished 'growing up' yet. You need to give yourself space, freedom and solitude to get over this. And that means dropping off her radar, completely. COM-PLETELY. Not a trace.
Yamcha Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I then found out she's been talking to another guy for about a month, and seeing him on nights out with her friends. Deceit is unforgivable. Repeat after me: **** that bitch. Yeah, you're gonna be hung up on this **** for awhile. But separating yourself from her is the way to go. She will do nothing but damage you.
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