My BF EX.........

[emra]

[color=red][/color] I have been dating this guy for 6 months now, for a short introduction, him and I are both in recovery. He filed for divorce over a year ago and his ex comes up with every reason in the world not to sign these papers. They have 3 children together. He just got custody of them and since that time, he now calls her everyday. (She may be losing her parental rights) And when I asked him about calling her all the time, he just yelled at me.

 

Because that is the mother to his children, he has to talk to her. I told him, I don't think he is ready to close the door to that relationship yet, because if he were, he wouldn't call her at work and at home all the time. They haven't been together for 2 years now. Mind you, I have 2 children, my children's father is deceased and I was with this guy for 3 years, and that person is whom my children know as there dad. When that person called me My BF had a fit, called him up told him to leave me alone, among some other choice words. When I defended my ex for calling, he told me "When the real father to those girls calls, I won't have a problem with it" This really hurting me as he is dead. He is so jealous over me and other guys, yet when , I say, hey what is going on here with you ex, he freaks out on me.

Tonight, my BF is with his EX for their child's birthday, and not once did he even think to say, "Hey would you like to go" I would have said no, because, I would not have been comfortable. He just got madder then hell at me because, he has explained his relationship to me over and over with her and I don't listen, blah blah, blah. MY response was, that isnt what I am upset about, i am upset because, you don't seem to care why I am hurt, yet you make it your business, what she is doing all the time. if she calls you give her all the time in the day, if I am upset, you give me stop your whining.

 

So I think alot of things about this, I guess I would just like others thoughts too. Thank You

[uriel]

Of course he needs to have regular contact with his ex in order to coparent 3 children. I understand why that might lead you to feel jealous / suspicious of his motives. However, you're just going to have to develop more trust about this or end the relationship.

 

If you find that he's spending the night with her, going on long shared vacations, or that kind of thing, you'll have a more legitimate reason to draw a line. In the case of regular phone calls (even once or twice a day), I don't think you can or should have a leg to stand on. They shouldn't be sharing their intimate lives any longer (beyond the kids), but if they can be friendly and decent to one another, that's a bonus for the kids.

 

If he's acted inappropriately in the past, then that's unfortunate. He didn't understand the step-parent relationship you believed another man had to your children -- if I'm getting what you're telling of your story. He seems to place a premium on biological parenting (something to think about if you ever expect him to act as a step-parent to your children). However, you can't go to his level and play a game of tit for tat. His jealousy before was inappropriate. Yours now isn't either.

 

Put his children and your own first. As long as they are young (in the home and not on their own), their welfare should be both of your top concerns (if you're going to accept them as your step-children, that means you care about his kids as much as your own). It may take some time before you feel comfortable interacting with his ex. It may take her time to accept you. Iin which case, it's understandable that he didn't invite you -- their mother's upset could ruin his kids' good feeling about the birthday, and that's not right. It's okay for them to have -- on a temporary basis -- that old family unit reunited again.

 

I suspect that's what you don't like. But, it can't be helped post-divorce. Such reunions help the kids to deal with the terrible split down the middle of their emotional selves. Let them have it.

 

You need to do your best to help and heal this blended family. That's going to take strength, courage, and sacrifice.

 

-- uriel

[She's Come Undone]

He sounds like a control freak. Talks to his EX all the time, but doesn't "allow" you to talk to a man you were with for 3 years and whom the children were close with?

 

I have a child by an ex and I don't feel the need to talk to him regularly, even though we get along fine.

[emra]

I have no problem with having to get along with my boyfriends ex. I have known both of them for years. And as a matter of fact, she came into the store where I work today, and I talked to her for about a half hour. We talked about the kids getting ready for school and all that happy stuff.

I would never want to take the place of those kids mother. NEVER.

My problem is this. First of all, Him calling her all the time, is a problem. If it were once a day I would not have a problem with it. But it is more then that. When he yells at me about it. I get pissed because, my thought is this. She is still using. She can not see those kids without supervision. If she cared so much about those kids, she would get herself clean. But she is not making that choice. And, when I have a problem, he doesn't give it the time of day, yet, if she calls, he sets aside so much time for her. That is BS.

I understand the wanting someone to be the parent. Those are their children. Unfortunately I had no choice in the matter with my children as their father killed himself. I would have loved nothing more, then for my children to have the biological father, I don't have that choice.

In order for him and I to have a relationship our children need to be involved with one another. And His Ex has no problem with us being together.

I just get hurt because, you are right, he can be controlling and it is BS. Why can he do what he wants, yet I can't?

[uriel]

Why has this become a competition for who has more rights / attention? That's what you need to address. You're feeling more generally in the relationship that he's not focusing on you and giving you the love and respect you deserve. Sounds like his talking lots to his ex and dealing with the kids is just a symptom.

 

-- uriel

[smile95]

the guy I dated was going thru a divorce and the child is 2. He never lived with them, as they were sep when the child was born, but sees his son 3 times per week-which means he sees her. I hated it. I find that he still takes pics and videos of her and the son together and I asked and he said "you just do not understand, she will always be his mother". THat is true, but videos?? What? It was hard to swallow. Esp cause it was long distance relationship. I always wondered what they were upto. They do not still do things together and time with the son is sep, but it still made me wonder and get scared that they would get back. She will be in your life forever. Talking several times a day is not right. Maybe once to check on the child, but not to talk about anyting else. We have since split. Well sorta. He stopped calling while the divorce goes thru(lawyer advised I am thinking). Bottom line.....he is prob having a hard time dealing with all that is going on....if it tears you up like it did me to the point where I worried alot and cried, then take a break til he is divorced......Divorce is emotional and he prob does not want you nagging him about things. I learned the hard way. He just stopped calling after 2 yrs with no explanantion. He did this before and called when I stopped chasing him. But this time I am not going back. I am not sure how good he is to you, but mine was great in the beginning and now he takes me for granted since i let him do whatever. Ok I am rambling. Do what makes you happy. You deserve to be with someone who makes you feel like a queen and is ok with explaining and compromising to make youunderstand. Good luck

[emra]

Thank You all for the replies.

First, I want to say I do not nag at him for calling her. When he lied to me, I asked him about it. Like I said, I get along with his ex. The problem is, why should it be ok for him to communicate with her all the time "for the sake of the kids" and when the person that my children came to love as "dad" calls, he has a fit. Shouldn't it be mutual respect?

Had he never called my ex. Non of this would be a problem. But because my ex calls and asks how I am doing and the girls are doing he has a fit and calls my ex and freaks out. Because my BF thinks he has "hidden motives. That is BS. Maybe my ex does, maybe he doesn't all I know is our conversations are nice how you doing talk, that's it.

He can talk to whom he wants, but I can't. I have a problem with that. Obviously that tells me 1 he is controlling(already have that one figured out) 2. Jealous. I am trying to figure out a way to say hey I have no problem with you calling your ex. I don't believe it should be all the time, but I can work with it. But I also, need to be able to feel that I can communicate with my ex when he calls once a month to say hey how are you doing. and not have him freak out.

[uriel]

Emra,

 

I agree that your kids should be allowed to have a relationship with their stepfather / your ex and that you should be able to talk with him about how they are. Your current partner simply needs to understand that. You may need to go to couples counseling to get through to him on this.

 

As I was saying earlier, though, there's a lot more in your post than just the problem over your being able to talk with your children's stepfather / your ex. You talk about how your partner didn't respect you enough to ask you to his kid's birthday party, how he lied to you, how you feel he puts you second (he drops everything if she has a problem, but wouldn't do that for you). That's why I'm concerned this isn't just about his jealousy, but your feeling like he's not valuing you / your relationship as he should.

 

-- uriel

[emra]

You are right, at times, I feel like him and I can take on the world, well at least a small portion of it, then there are other times, like I am nothing except a convience. Does that make sense.

I adore his children. Our kids get along great.

I don't understand a lot of things and it is always easier for me to look at someone elses situation and say hey, maybe this is it or whatever. When it comes to mine. It seems to be harder.

Maybe I want more out of a relationship then what he is willing to give?

I guess, I want back what I am expected to give.

There are a lot of things, I want to write on this, but am unsure if that would be the right thing to do.

I had been in a very abusive relationship a few years ago and when my BF yells at me now over some things, I tend to withdraw from him.

I just can't understand how he can find it acceptable to do what he wants and yet expects me to sit at home.

There are times I feel, he would be happier for me to talk to no one. He even gets upset sometimes over one of my girlfriends and I talking because we have a past together, we have always been very close and she has been so supportive of me as I am with her. He was fine with that for awhile but now, if I am talking to her when he is home he gets all crappy cuz I am on the phone.

I think it comes down to this. At times, he wants everything to be all about him and what I will do for him, yet he is not willing to return it and it is frustrating.

I want him and I to be friends above everything else. When all the kids are together, the kids have all our attention in the world, because, they deserve and because, they need it.

I am just trying to figure out how to deal with this.

I love him very much and I am a person that when something is wrong, I need to talk about it and he isn't like that.

Thank you for all your replies, it means a lot to me.

[uriel]

Emra,

 

The behavior pattern you describe is typical of emotionally dysfunctional men, especially the kind who are emotionally or physically abusive. I'm not saying that your partner is, I'm just saying that it's a red flag. He's attempting to control you through limiting your circle and, as you say, making everything all about him.

 

You should NOT back down about having equal rights in your relationship. You should not allow anyone to limit your self-expression, as long as you know you're doing it in healthy, positive ways. Perhaps past abusive relationships, and the childhood issues that led to them, are still at work in this one, even though it's in a much more subtle pattern.

 

I do recommend you get couples counseling. Sounds like you need to sort out these issues with him in a safe, more objective space.

 

I apologize for misreading your cues earlier. I thought you felt in competition with his ex. Instead, I believe that you are in a relationship that is somewhat suffocating. You need some breathing room.

 

-- uriel

[emra]

Uriel,

I have read other posts you have replied to and you really have some great advice or intake on things.

I never thought about what you said and you are right they are red flags. I have told him before that he is controlling and he will reply by saying, that is who I am. In the beginning he told me "I can be very possessive and jealous" And he can be, I would tell you about something that happened at work, but don't know if I want to hear the reply Iwould get.. Maybe because, I fear that someone may be right?? I just don't understand how people can be this way. And there was one time, I got a bit jealous and he got pissed off at me. It is just strange and I think he tells me he loves me, does he or does he just love to control me?

[uriel]

Men with this emotional make-up want to control you BECAUSE they love you. They're afraid that love makes them vulnerable, so they want to limit the potential for their getting hurt.

 

They are really so fragile that their egos can't even stand disagreement. They see that as a sign that you're getting away from them and judging them. Same thing with other people being around. They don't want you to get influenced by anyone else, to hear any outside views about them, yourself, or the relationship.

 

It's really part of an old patriarchal mindset, that women follow men's mental direction as well as provide for his domestic needs.

 

His first response to any rebellion from you will be rage. Then panic and emotionality like crying, begging, etc. if he'll let himself go there. Some men get stuck on rage, especially if that seems less vulnerable to them and has worked at keeping women in check.

 

It's a learned behavior that men often justify by saying it's who they are. Nonsense. Anyone can change how they are behaving and even control how they are feeling if it's harmful to others. I grew up with a father like this, who used to say he was his anger. Well, he's driven everyone out of his life except my stepmother (whom he's even managed to separate from her family in the last couple of decades). I grew up thinking I was my feelings, too, but I learned I wasn't. I'm able to have healthy relationships now.

 

You and he can too, if he'll work on it. I think couples counseling would be an excellent first step if you can get him to go.

 

-- uriel

[emra]

I talked to him and told him why it bothered me. I told him everything I possible could say. And It old him, I would not have a problem with any of this, if you would lighten up on me.

So, thus far, I saw another ex I was with a year ago and I told him I talked to him and he said oh yeah hows he doing.

Is this just covering things up or do you think he will listen. He does agree to have a "3rd party" hear us out. SO who knows.

This seems to be the only thing that we can disagree over.

So, who knows, what tomorrow will bring. I will just keep taking it day by day.

[uriel]

Good. Stay firm on your being allowed to connect with other people and direct your own life. Do go to couples counseling. If this man is willing to do that for you, there's real hope.

 

-- uriel

[emra]

Things had been going alright, he found out he was going to get his children, which was so great, we(us and the kids) have spent a lot of time together and then all of a sudden, we dont see each other when his has his kids.

He told me it is because, they told him he is confusing his kids, his divorce isn't final and the kids still think they will get back together, to which my reply was, who has put it in their head that you were getting back together? they haven't been together for 2 years.

So, now, when he has them, right now wed-sun. we talk on the phone. I told him, until his divorce is final, I don't know that i want to see him. How is it right, that because, he doesn't have the balls to be honest with his kids that I can't have a relationship with him except when his kids aren't around, by the end of the month, he will have them 7 days a week, I am starting to feel like a mistress and I am hurt. I don't understand why it is so difficult to tell the truth and what does he want me to do. act like I have nothing to do with him around his kids until he gets the divorce over and then gee hey kids her is ****** she has been a part of my life all along, deal with it. How unhealthy does that sound for everyone involved.

I am really hurt, half of me wants to say goodbye, the other half wants to hold on. But this is so disrepectful.

I don't want to spend day and night with him. However, we were doing things with all the kids before and now we can't....

[uriel]

Emra,

 

I don't think he should have been introducing his kids to you and bringing your two sets together before his divorce was final -- and really not until they'd had time to grieve the loss of their family. He could have stayed firm with them about he and their mother not getting back together, without introducing them to you. That's what he should have done. Children should be kept out of adult relationships and their implications until they stabilize into genuine family. You and he aren't there yet.

 

Of course, this is in hindsight. Now, his kids know you exist and that he's seeing you. Their mother is no doubt confusing them even more than their seeing you with their father is doing.

 

However, I do think it's still a good idea for him to see them apart from you. You're not their stepmother; you're his girlfriend. And they are still dealing with the fact that their family has exploded. It can take kids a couple of years to get over that.

 

Meanwhile, you and he should make special time together to date and spend time with one another. You don't get to play family until you're married and the kids (yours and his) get some real stability. That may not sit well with you, especially given what his ex might be saying, but it's what is best for them. In these situations, it's the grown-ups' feelings that can and should come second.

 

-- uriel

[emra]

I completely understand what your saying. My problem is this. 1st, my kids always have to been involved in anything him and I do, as I have no where for them to go. All of our kids have known each other since they were born, they all adore one another. His kids mom does not say anything to them, she never even sees them. And she is losing her parental rights to them.

My problem is I believe in honesty. I do not believe in keeping the truth from kids or anyone else for that matter. They haven't had their mom involved in their lives for a year and half now, except, when she calls to see how they are and on their birthdays, and even on their birthdays, she only stayed for 30 minutes and took off. DHS told him he was confusing the kids more so his oldest one because, he has never told him the other 2 don't really even know her, they told him he needs to get the divorce final, I am all for that, they also told him, that even if its that we go out to dinner, we need to let the kids continue to get used to one another and they are behind us being together, they have even said that to get all the kids adjusted and us adjusted, to do family centered services. I do not want to play family. We have not done that at all. When we are all together, we all have a good time.

What my problem is, How much more is it confusing to ALL kids involved when we were all together doing fun things and then you back off, which I understand only to in time be there again. That is very confusing to all involved.

He always stayed here until the last 2 weeks. It has been 8 months now.

His kids were not brought into out relationship until we had been seeing each other for 2 1/2 months. Because that was my choice. I wanted to make sure this was something I was ready for and the kids were ready for, they all knew we were seeing each other and they were very happy.

It is a long story and that is the short of it.

I have no problem with him and them being by themselves. Last weekend he did his thing and I did mine and he was upset because I went over to my friends house. I am not going to sit at home and wait till he decides I can go there or whatever. I am very supportive of him. I tried explaining to him, that that was fine, he can do it that way, however, I am going to go do things too. I will not sit at home and wait around. Is that wrong of me??

I really respect your advice Uriel. You make me think about things which is a good thing. Thank You very much

[uriel]

There's a difference between being honest and involving kids in adult matters that are too much for them to handle emotionally at their ages. Kids shouldn't know all about their parents' romantic and emotional lives. They're not your friends; they're developing human beings who need to be guided, protected, and nurtured.

 

You can get your kids a babysitter to go out with your bf. You can arrange your life so they aren't exposed to more than what's good for them. You should make that a priority.

 

I would never advocate anything less than honesty when talking to your kids. But, again, there's a difference between saying, "Mommy's going out on a date" and "My boyfriend X is going through an ugly divorce and his kids aren't coming over here anymore because his mother wants to get back together with him." These are, of course, extreme examples, but you get the idea.

 

In this case, I recommend you tell your kids something like, "We're not going to see X's kids for a while. They need to spend time with their daddy right now, since they're going through a difficult time. We'll see them again once they're feeling better. I know they'll miss you and I'm sure you'll miss them."

 

They don't need to know ALL the truth. They need to be told honestly what affects them at their level of development -- in a way that doesn't damage them.

 

-- uriel

[emra]

That makes a lot of sense.

What would your advice be on the other. I have backed away and I did tell my girls what you said to say and they were upset. But I think you are right.

So, how do I make my BF understand, that it is not right for him to expect me to sit at home all the time waiting for his call? You know what I mean??

Like last weekend, he got upset, because, I took my kids to my friends house, She has a little boy their age and we stayed there for about 4 hours, had a great time. Anyhow, he was upset. How does that make sense?

This weekend, we are going bowling, he says, no your not... I do not get it at all.

My parents are going to keep my kids next Sat night so I can go to a get together at a girlfriends house and he was not happy at all about it.

Is it right for him to say, stay at home. I cannot change his situation. But, how is it right that he wants me to stay home??

I get so confused over certain things with him.

[uriel]

No -- of course it's completely wrong of him to expect you to stay at home. You should get the most out of your weekends, evenings, and off times.

 

Tell him that you would love to spend time with him if he were available. Since he's not, you plan to spend quality time with your kids (taking them for visits, doing things together), too. Ask him to arrange a phone date if he'd like to talk. That way you can be there for his call.

 

If he still demands you stay home, and gets angry over it, then let him. That's not your problem. And, any man who unreasonably tries to restrict your freedom as an independent adult is NOT good relationship material.

 

You have a right to be happy. Someone who loves you should want that for you -- not to control, possess, monitor you or make your entire life all about him.

 

-- uriel