Me, Myself, and I

[promises]

I got a third letter. I write today in a slightly numb and somber state, however.

 

Without going into too many details, I will not be forwarding this to his wife. I will not be sending along a do not contact note, I will be doing nothing.

 

The note explained some details of the W's life that is now public knowledge. Everyone we have in common is also aware.

 

Long story short, she is ill. Just like I was ill. Except she was ill then, too. He just didn't share what was really happening.

 

I feel rather numb. Suddenly all of this seems so clear, and also so small and it is just sad.

 

His heart is heavy and he thanked me for my friendship in past years. I've known him for some time. In the letter there was also a reference to an understanding that he is deeply afraid. And, I knew his sincere love for her at that moment.

 

I can't explain it, but, I know it will be the last letter.

 

My guess is that all of us, from whatever corner of infidelity you come from have pain and sadness. All, somewhere, somehow, searching for love and validation.

 

I feel no need to write anymore, at least not about being angry about my feelings, feeling lost about her pain. Everything is quite clear now. My reasons, his reasons. Her life.

 

I imagine I'll be spending quite awhile in this state of introspection and becoming a better version of myself. And, it seems exactly the right time and place to do that.

[sweet_pea]

Here is a big hug *BIG HUG* for you, Promises.

 

Stay strong! You will find a wonderful man who will love you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and everything will fall into place. You're a strong young lady! You know this! I'm sorry for all of the pain that the A caused you. Your posts (along with a few others) have shown me a different side to the OW dynamic, and I do appreciate it. I hope you can come back and share some wonderful news with us about your fabulous life You're a special woman, promises, and everything will turn out fine... just takes time.

Edited February 9, 2013 by sweet_pea

[promises]

Here is a big hug *BIG HUG* for you, Promises.

 

Stay strong! You will find a wonderful man who will love you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated, and everything will fall into place. You're a strong young lady! You know this! I'm sorry for all of the pain that the A caused you. Your posts (along with a few others) have shown me a different side to the OW dynamic, and I do appreciate it. I hope you can come back and share some wonderful news with us about your fabulous life You're a special woman, promises, and everything will turn out fine... just takes time.

 

Sweet pea- you live up to your name. thank you.

[Hope7]

Promises, Im new to this site in the form of posting but I've been a long time lurker. I just wanted to say I've read your posts and you seem like a very loving, smart and wonderful woman! I'm so sorry for the pain you are going thru! I wish there was a magic wand that could make it all go away. You honestly deserve great things in life and I hope you are very kind to yourself during this time. You have a lot of people here who are ready to rally around you whenever you need it! Not sure how long it takes before I can pm people ..but I'll be here if you need a sounding board..

 

Hope7

[stevie_23]

I think this is an amazingly positive outlook you are taking for yourself from this situation, and I commend you.

 

I find personally that it helps to move on if you truly can understand as much as possible the reasons for people's behaviour and how it impacts on you.

 

I'm sorry his wife is sick...I'm sorry you were sick...I find MFH70's words about karma causing HIM to get sick hurtful and unnecessary. If she were truly sympathetic to the wife, she would not wish to burden her even more with her husband being sick too.

 

In any case, this is obviously a period of deep introspection and growing for you, and I hope it happens naturally and without too much further pain.

[OpenBook]

Oh man. Hugs to you promises. So so sad, all of it. But I'm glad you've been given greater understanding. It will help stop the "churning in one place" for you.

 

My guess is that all of us, from whatever corner of infidelity you come from have pain and sadness. All, somewhere, somehow, searching for love and validation.

 

Well said! Your entire post was so well-written, but especially this.

[beenburned]

promises,

 

I'm glad you got the closure/truth you needed in order to move forward with your life!!

 

At the same time, I am livid with spouses that cheat when their spouse is ill.

Especially if the illness is life threatening, like cancer. This reminds me of the Edwards man. Yuck!

[Mount]

The reality is - in this world, nowadays, kind-hearted/good people suffers, as they constantly think of others; evil people win, they get what they want. Actually it happens all along with the human history developed. What we had been taught in school being good people, which is totally unfitting the surviving mode of real life. So if you want to get what you want, go figure.

 

QUOTE=MFH70;4596562]So shoot me LadyGrey for wishing the wrongdoers suffered instead of the innocent. To wish the alternative by implication seems quite, well I'm not sure I have a word for that.

 

I wish that my cheating father could have suffered instead of his dying child too, you can add a couple of barrels for that. Why the betrayed suffer AGAIN and AGAIN while cheaters don't I will never just accept and say "oh welll".

[woinlove]

The reality is - in this world, nowadays, kind-hearted/good people suffers, as they constantly think of others; evil people win, they get what they want. Actually it happens all along with the human history developed. What we had been taught in school being good people, which is totally unfitting the surviving mode of real life. So if you want to get what you want, go figure.

 

Stay positive, Mount, and don't let cynicism get you. Feeling really good about oneself and one's behavior brings much in contentment and happiness. Just look around here on LS. One doesn't see much happiness for people who don't live by the golden rule. The few who seem fine with it, don't seem very strongly connected to others in general, so they seem to be missing out on much of life's riches. The ones who have moved on to happiness have learned and changed.

 

Hopefully, the BW will regain her health and, with time, all three will heal from the A. I can understand why that letter would leave you numb, Promises. As you say, so sad. Good luck with your own healing.

[awkward]

I know you have the strength to move and heal from this.

 

It is so sad that he couldn't be a honest man. Honest with his wife and honest with you. So many lies, omissions. It can't be worth it.

[promises]

Whatever LadyGrey. I see you as defending the perpetrators here. So be it.

I hope Promises is now actually sorry forbwhatcshe did to the wife. The original post just sounds sorry for herself again.

 

you sound a bit like 'mommy dearest'..

[promises]

I find personally that it helps to move on if you truly can understand as much as possible the reasons for people's behaviour and how it impacts on you.

 

I agree 100%.

[Mount]

No, woinlove, it is not cynicism from me, I dont usually have cynical attitude. It is my sincere suggeston to OP or everyone else, but of course not everyone think it being right, but it is ok-it is what it is.

 

You can take/act any side of it.

 

Stay positive, Mount, and don't let cynicism get you. Feeling really good about oneself and one's behavior brings much in contentment and happiness. Just look around here on LS. One doesn't see much happiness for people who don't live by the golden rule. The few who seem fine with it, don't seem very strongly connected to others in general, so they seem to be missing out on much of life's riches. The ones who have moved on to happiness have learned and changed.

 

Hopefully, the BW will regain her health and, with time, all three will heal from the A. I can understand why that letter would leave you numb, Promises. As you say, so sad. Good luck with your own healing.

[stevie_23]

Whatever LadyGrey. I see you as defending the perpetrators here. So be it.

 

I hope Promises is now actually sorry for what she did to the wife. The original post just sounds sorry for herself again.

 

Firstly, I'm sure Promises does not feel proud of what she did in terms of being in this situation previously and how it ended up affecting EVERYONE. In terms of this situation, it seems like she was more on the outskirts of her ex and his wife's situation, and didn't really have a choice or a say in a lot of things because he didn't let her in on some of those things.

 

I don't think she sounds overly sorry for herself either. She seems to have found at least the begininngs of a place of real peace and a useful acquirement of valuable life experience and raised self awareness.

 

Secondly, LadyGrey does anything BUT defend so-called "perpertrators" here. I am one of your "perpertrators" and she has never "defended" me. She tells it how she sees it (and she speaks from experience and a fairly wise and balanced place), and I get the impression her main purpose in her comments and words to OWs is to assist them in realising how they were not ever going to be happy in their A relationship, and to realise that by definition, an A relationship can never be truly honest or true valid love...and she wants to help the OW grow within herself as totally independent from any A (or relationship in general). Because she knows (and you seem to agree, MFH70) that most issues arising in this section of LS stem from issues inherent to themselves, not the MM or ex-MM or anyone else involved. And by doing THAT, these ex-OW will hopefully and ideally never be in an A again, thus eliminating those people from being FUTURE OW...which has got to be all good in your opinion, right? Less "perpertrators" walking your pure earth?

 

There's no "defending" going on to come from a place of understanding in order to help others going through that situation see the truth that may (or may not) be shining from that situation while they themselves are still blind to it.

Edited February 10, 2013 by stevie_23

[Got it]

So shoot me LadyGrey for wishing the wrongdoers suffered instead of the innocent. To wish the alternative by implication seems quite, well I'm not sure I have a word for that.

 

I wish that my cheating father could have suffered instead of his dying child too, you can add a couple of barrels for that. Why the betrayed suffer AGAIN and AGAIN while cheaters don't I will never just accept and say "oh welll".

 

Is that an offer? I would be careful what you post here.

 

Just jokes!

[Got it]

Promise, you have made some amazing steps in this whole process. I know it is a hard road but you are doing amazing. Big hugs honey. (((((((Promises))))))

 

I hope you have/had some fantastic plans for this weekend and you are taking care of you.

[promises]

Promises, I'm so sorry to hear of MM's wife's illness.

 

I've also seen a lot of growth and understanding from you.

 

I do have a question and I'm not asking for details on BS's illness, just the basics. Is it possible her illness is affair related brought on by the extreme stress? Or could the effects of her illness have been made worse by the trauma?

 

I ask this only because I wonder if more knowledge would be helpful or destructive to her physical health. The extreme stress and trauma of my husband's affair has cause long term permanent damage to my health, but having every single piece of knowledge was vital to me in my healing and therapy, both physically and emotionally.

 

I wish both you and BS peace.

 

Although I believe stress is the biggest angst in breakdown of health. I do not take notion that we caused her illness. She was ill prior to the A.

 

Also, I am extremely aware of stress in relation to being sick from a personal perspective. One thing I also know is that nutrition, naturopathy, surgery, eliminating stresses, etc. etc... sometimes cannot stop illness.

 

You can do everything 'right' and sometimes, illness doesn't give a crap.

[wisernow]

MFH I don't think your posts are having the effect that you would like them to. I think you believe that stating the same cold harsh words in post after post is somehow going to bring other people around to your way of thinking. I actually agree with some of the things you say (not in this thread but in some others) but your delivery is terrible. I'm a longtime anti-affair poster here and your posts make even me want to defend the people you attack. In an odd way you are actually creating peace on the board among the other posters because nobody wants to align themselves with your opinions so we're all on one side while you are mostly alone on your side.

 

I don't wish to offend you or hurt you, but I do think that your judgemental bitter anger here is somewhat over the top and that it has more to do with your personal life than it does with anyone here. Cheaters don't deserve sickness and death or to lose their children forever or any other catastrophic event you can think of. Yes I loathe cheating and lying but we have all hurt people at some point in our lives. We have all made bad decisions and had to suffer the consequences of those decisons. I haven't cheated on anyone but I made some poor decisions when I was young and stupid that negatively impacted my children and I will have remorse for that for the rest of my life. Is my remorse sufficient for you or shall I suffer some horrible illness and death in order to fulfill your hunger for justice and vengence?

 

Like I said I agree with a little of what you say and I too have at times become frustrated and perhaps a little harsh with certain posters here, usually when they are refusing to see what is right in front of their face or refusing to accept any responsiblity or consequences for their choices, but I don't understand the constant attacks on every OW here, even when the affair has ended and the AP is clearly suffering and trying to find their way out to the other side.

 

In any case if you want people here to actually pay attention to what you're saying you're going to have to work on your presentation. I have started just scrolling past most of your posts as I don't have to read them anymore to know what's in them - "you deserve it. It's your own fault. You are a bad person". You actually don't even put forth much of an argument against lying and cheating, you just attack, and weirdly you appear to blame the AP far more than you blame the MP. Oh I pick on the OW/OM a little bit but nothing riles me up more than the MP, especially MM. I only occasionally venture into their threads and then I have to leave because their twisted self-centred thinking and inability to see beyond themselves gets me feeling like my head is going to explode....LOL.

 

 

Wish I could triple like this post. Awesome, A35!

[waterwoman]

MFH I don't think your posts are having the effect that you would like them to. I think you believe that stating the same cold harsh words in post after post is somehow going to bring other people around to your way of thinking. I actually agree with some of the things you say (not in this thread but in some others) but your delivery is terrible. I'm a longtime anti-affair poster here and your posts make even me want to defend the people you attack. In an odd way you are actually creating peace on the board among the other posters because nobody wants to align themselves with your opinions so we're all on one side while you are mostly alone on your side.

 

I don't wish to offend you or hurt you, but I do think that your judgemental bitter anger here is somewhat over the top and that it has more to do with your personal life than it does with anyone here. Cheaters don't deserve sickness and death or to lose their children forever or any other catastrophic event you can think of. Yes I loathe cheating and lying but we have all hurt people at some point in our lives. We have all made bad decisions and had to suffer the consequences of those decisons. I haven't cheated on anyone but I made some poor decisions when I was young and stupid that negatively impacted my children and I will have remorse for that for the rest of my life. Is my remorse sufficient for you or shall I suffer some horrible illness and death in order to fulfill your hunger for justice and vengence?

 

Like I said I agree with a little of what you say and I too have at times become frustrated and perhaps a little harsh with certain posters here, usually when they are refusing to see what is right in front of their face or refusing to accept any responsiblity or consequences for their choices, but I don't understand the constant attacks on every OW here, even when the affair has ended and the AP is clearly suffering and trying to find their way out to the other side.

 

In any case if you want people here to actually pay attention to what you're saying you're going to have to work on your presentation. I have started just scrolling past most of your posts as I don't have to read them anymore to know what's in them - "you deserve it. It's your own fault. You are a bad person". You actually don't even put forth much of an argument against lying and cheating, you just attack, and weirdly you appear to blame the AP far more than you blame the MP. Oh I pick on the OW/OM a little bit but nothing riles me up more than the MP, especially MM. I only occasionally venture into their threads and then I have to leave because their twisted self-centred thinking and inability to see beyond themselves gets me feeling like my head is going to explode....LOL.

 

Yep. It isn't helping anyone to post so aggresively and harshly mfh . It makes me feel awkward to be 'on the same side' at times

[Summer Breeze]

MFH I don't think your posts are having the effect that you would like them to. I think you believe that stating the same cold harsh words in post after post is somehow going to bring other people around to your way of thinking. I actually agree with some of the things you say (not in this thread but in some others) but your delivery is terrible. I'm a longtime anti-affair poster here and your posts make even me want to defend the people you attack. In an odd way you are actually creating peace on the board among the other posters because nobody wants to align themselves with your opinions so we're all on one side while you are mostly alone on your side.

 

I don't wish to offend you or hurt you, but I do think that your judgemental bitter anger here is somewhat over the top and that it has more to do with your personal life than it does with anyone here. Cheaters don't deserve sickness and death or to lose their children forever or any other catastrophic event you can think of. Yes I loathe cheating and lying but we have all hurt people at some point in our lives. We have all made bad decisions and had to suffer the consequences of those decisons. I haven't cheated on anyone but I made some poor decisions when I was young and stupid that negatively impacted my children and I will have remorse for that for the rest of my life. Is my remorse sufficient for you or shall I suffer some horrible illness and death in order to fulfill your hunger for justice and vengence?

 

Like I said I agree with a little of what you say and I too have at times become frustrated and perhaps a little harsh with certain posters here, usually when they are refusing to see what is right in front of their face or refusing to accept any responsiblity or consequences for their choices, but I don't understand the constant attacks on every OW here, even when the affair has ended and the AP is clearly suffering and trying to find their way out to the other side.

 

In any case if you want people here to actually pay attention to what you're saying you're going to have to work on your presentation. I have started just scrolling past most of your posts as I don't have to read them anymore to know what's in them - "you deserve it. It's your own fault. You are a bad person". You actually don't even put forth much of an argument against lying and cheating, you just attack, and weirdly you appear to blame the AP far more than you blame the MP. Oh I pick on the OW/OM a little bit but nothing riles me up more than the MP, especially MM. I only occasionally venture into their threads and then I have to leave because their twisted self-centred thinking and inability to see beyond themselves gets me feeling like my head is going to explode....LOL.

 

Really well said. I've been back from vacation for a couple of days and whenI came in to read up on some of what had been written I kept coming across this same repetitive, ineffective type of posting. I actually started to write a response that had little to do with the thread and more to do with the tone of the comment. I deleted it and decided I wasn't going to post anymore because I don't want my kneejerk response to be something that could hurt someone else in the forum inadvertently. Sometimes it's better to stay silent. See, I can learn!

 

MFH I think there are a lot of people here who want to help you find some peace. I'm one who thinks your posts are suspiciously close to a poster from this time last year, and also a few others that came and went quickly that said exactly the same things. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't. If you are the same person it's painfully obvious you're not moving forward. If you aren't then I am horrified at how overlyinvolved you are in the lives of so many people in your life -- it's obviously not healthy for you.