17paris17 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 sorry. this will be long but I seriously need advice. I don't need criticism please. my bf and I have been together for about 4 years now and our first child is due in 7 weeks.now about. 2-2.5 years ago I cheated. was not an affair it was a one night thing. now I have been diagnosed with a mental illness that infidelity is common but I do not see that as an excuse for my actions nor do I see alcohol as an excuse. I do have my reasons as to why I did but believe they are invalid. I should have delt with it a different way but did not. now he found out about what I did when we broke it off a little over a year ago. we got back together 3 weeks after we broke it off. now I vowed to change all of my being and that is exactly what I did. I now can say I no longer lie, talk to other men, trying everything I can to get my mental illness under control, I don't even have dreams or thoughts about other men. and the biggest thing is I have learned from my mistake and forgave myself. I'm 21 I have a lot to learn yet. now its been a year and for 6 months it was euphoria. we were both happy. but now he has done a 180 and is constantly thinking about what I did to his poor heart. now is telling me he doesn't know if he can forgive me even though he trusts me completely and doesn't have crazy senerios invading his thoughts anymore. but just can't forgive me. I mean one day he treats me like a queen and accidentally calls me his wife in a conversation with coworkers. but the next week he can be disrespectful cold and very distance. now my question well Crossroads is this is seriously starting to wear on my emotionally and physically. and we have a baby on the way that we are both excited about. but when our son is here I feel I wont be able to give him the constant reasurence and may slack off on showing him I love him just due to baby taking most of my time and when not I will more than likely sleeping. now I love him with all my heart and would do anything to make us work. he says so to. but I seriously can't stand to see him hurt and me being unable to help fix it because I feel I've done all I can now. so what do I do? will the pain ever go away with us together? or is the only way for him to be happy and pain free not to be together anymore? now I seriously resorted to telling him he has a freebie weekend to do what he wants with whom he wants. with me not trapping him and throwing it in his face or questioning. and I mean freebie as in hooking up with who ever he wants to this weekend. just maybe for him to figure out what he wants. its a risk I'm willing to take to save us. he's not a cheating type didn't even want to have sex before marriage ( part of the reason I cheated) so am I just feeding a mouse a cookie with this notion or.... I just don't know what to do anymore. I just want him happy and pain free even ....... even if that means I remove myself from the picture. that's the last thing I want this is why I'm here asking for ANY advice anything please. again sorry this is so long but this will be a huge life changing decision either way. please any input please. thank you for taking the time to read this.
RR1 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Asking him to cheat on you is not the answer. That will just make you feel how he's feeling now. So both of you end up resenting each other. If you stand any chance of working it will only be because he knows you aren't going to cheat again and he really believes you love him. You have to show him that through your actions. Only you know him and whether you can make it work still. You will have to talk to him and lay it out clear where you want to go with the relationship. A relationship with lingering resentment is doomed to failure so you have to find a way to deal with it between you both. It's ok coming here to get some advice but remember to talk with him about all the issues you raise here. I had a g/f cheat on me so i do understand some of the resentment he must be feeling. The thing was i couldn't get her to talk with me directly so we failed because of that rather than the original issue which caused the distress. Maybe if we could have sat down and talked things through we could have worked stuff out but i just got the door slammed (metaphorically speaking) in my face everytime i tried to talk about stuff. Loved her to bits but could never get her to open up to me, if you cn't talk about stuff then you are going to fail, simple as that. Try talking and see how you go as all i can advise.
PogoStick Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Most likely, you are too young and this isn't actually a good relationship for both. When you're young you are supposed to have several relationships where you learn what is a good match and how to properly manage the relationship. You've been together 4 young years and have missed this process. But if you're going to stay together then he has to learn how to move on. The best thing you could do is go to couples therapy so a professional can help smooth things out. Does he take an active role in your treatment? What's your "illness", bipolar? The freebie won't make anything better. Are you sure that isn't just a way for you to sabotage the relationship? Really ponder that and tell me what you think.
KathyM Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Telling him to have a freebie will probably insult and hurt him even more. That is not going to help anything, and will only further damage your relationship. It's a long process for the betrayed SO to heal from infidelity, and you can't expect him to get over it anytime soon. He will probably go from feelings of wanting to distance himself emotionally from you, to feelings of wanting to connect with you. He'll have to ride out this roller coaster of emotions himself, and it will take time. All you can do is keep reassuring him of how much you love and appreciate him, how glad you are that he is with you, how much you want to make your relationship work. And I hope you are getting individual therapy for your condition. There is medication available that helps people with impulse control disorders. Make an appointment with a therapist and work on yourself so that you can get better control over your impulses. You are probably dealing with other issues as well, like control over your emotions, so please see that you get professional help for that.
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