Shreaded Heart

[Roach]

Dear Love Shack'

 

I'm 29 she's 26. I've been dating this women now for almost great 3years and she broke it off about a month ago now. It started off kinda bad, I dumped her for another girl on a ski trip after seeing her for a month. I dated this other girl for about a month and then started missing her so I went back to her and she accepted me back. Before I met her I was kinda promiscuous and she knew it. I've settled down and changed alot since then and I'm madly In love with her, never wanting anyone but her. Since the day we've got back together I've been devoted to her, but she still can't find it in her heart to forgive me, and does not trust me. There have been a few instances where she thought that I was not loyal to her, but told her the truth and she didn't believe me. Every time I'm away with friends I think she thinks I'm hitting on other women. How do I gain trust back?

 

We moved in together after about a year into the relationship and we recently moved back home to our parents places, as I went back to school fulltime, it's been 3 months now. I quit a good paying job sold my new car, and I didn't see her everyday; I gave up alot. Now I have nothing, although, I don't regret going back to school.

 

I'll admit our relationship got stale since moving out, well for awhile now as I wouldn't do outdoor activities as much as she wanted. We had our mild arguments and I seemed to forget about the problem when she kept thinking about them. We should have worked them out right then and there, but I was lazy. I didn't pay attention to the signs that our relationship was going down hill, as I thought that we were safe, locked in.

 

She has anxiety attacks that makes her fainty and she gets stressed out about her job and until recently has got medication for it. I'm afraid that she will get better from this medication and blame all her anxiety on me, thinking that now she's not with me she won't have anxiety.

 

Every waking moment has been thinking about our relationships demise, and I found a number of things I was doing to push her away and didn't know it until she was gone. I noticed that we didn't resolve many of our problems, I put more weight on my opinions, I didn't take her birthday as serious as I should have, sent her flowers much, some inconsiderate situations, pressured her into some things I thought was a good idea. There are more, but they all were little things that built up and I can see now how they might of been pushing her away.

 

I wrote her a huge a-mail explaining to her that I see all these things in hindsight and want a second chance, well a third chance. We just about broke up in the summer because of these same reasons, but I didn't feel the things I'm feeling now. I guess I had to loose her all the way to see this new outlook I have on us working out. This has been a very traumatic experience and feel that it brings out alot of feelings and thoughts out. I think she doesn't think it's possible for me to change, and eventually I would go back to my old self, but I've had a revelation. It's been a real eye opener and a kick in the ass. I know she doesn't think that I am able to adapt to put more into us and do the things she wants to do more of because of the almost break up, and me not changing. The things she wants to do I love to do, I was just lazy. She says that she doesn't think that we could ever get back together even after all I said. I've read that after situations like this that couples reunite and the relationship gets stronger than ever. Do you think mine fits this category?

 

I've tried to give her time, but my heart won't let me. I showed up after her night school class after about a four days and tried to get her to give me another chance. She still said no, I cried, we hugged and departed. A week later I sent that huge e-mail and told her that I would leave her alone now, along with roses to her work and house. She e-mailed me back saying a simple thank you there beautiful. Four days went by she never responded to the e-mail. With my optimism and impatient I stupidly called her at work to see what she thought. She said no again and sent me an e-mail saying that we should cut ties until after Christmas; I was sad. I sent her another one asking her if we could e-mail on Dec 15 or so just to see how she is doing, no response. Love made me do things that might be driving her away more with me not leaving her alone. I think she's mad at me, and losing some respect for me, lowering my chances of getting her back.

 

My heart says still fight, but my head says give her more time; I know absents makes the heart grow fonder, but I've got it in the back of my head that she could be out looking for someone else, and if I don't act now I will loose her forever.

 

My heart has been aching huge since the day she walk out on me, and I feel that it' s going to ache for a very long time if she doesn't give me a chance. I wanted to marry her and have children with her some day. I thought that she was the one and I think that she thought that once upon a time too. I love her so much I feel like I could die. I think that she still loves me too.She was so much apart of me, it feels like I lost a leg since she left me.

 

I've remained faithful to her and told her that I'm going to wait for her. I can't see myself with any other ever and wish she believed that, and I think that she thinks I'm out chasing women. I screwed up in cheating on her the first time and I'm not going to screw up now, even she told me not to wait. It seems so much of a waste that she can't know that I would never cheat on her and jeopardize loosing her, or that she can't see me changing. Right up until the last day I saw love in her eyes. I feel that she should give us another chance if all our past happiness we had is worth it, and really work on our problems. I know we could really be happy if she only knew. How do I get her to know that? Should I risk loosing her by totally leaving her alone? How much longer should I leave her alone. Should I confront her and tell her how I feel now? Does she want to see me fight for us? Do you think she thinks once a cheat always a cheat, and if so what can I do or say to convince her I couldn't? Should I ask her to go to counselling? I know there is a lot of questions her but could you answer them to the best of your ability?Thank you! I need her back!

 

Signed'

 

owner of a shreaded heart

[Ed]

Well sir, you've gotten yourself in a fine mess.

 

She is in control now. She has given you the new terms of this relationship. You have to abide by them. I doubt that she is doing this just to make you squirm. This woman is serious!

 

We all make mistakes sometimes. Just because you realize what those mistakes were does not make them anything other than mistakes. You can't undo what has been done. Will she forgive you? Will she want to try again? Her future actions will answer those questions. I don't think continued contact with her under these circumstances will help.

 

The best you can do now is learn from your mistakes and try to forgive yourself. You need to find some things to do to occupy your time and your mind. Look up an old buddy that you haven't talked to in a while. Eventually, you'll have the chance to make up for the things that happened.

[Deejette]

You can do nothing else at this point. You have let her know time and again that you want her back. Now it is up to her. You have to give her time.

 

But as is the case with a lot of ladies, by the time they leave, they really have left already months ago in their heads. Then the poor guy is left with seeing what went wrong as he analyzes the situation, but it is too late. The woman has already distanced herself emotionally and doesn't want to throw herself back into the turmoil that the problematic relationship had already put her through.

 

It takes a number of causes to crack up a relationship. They build up over time and then there is no going back. The memories can't be fixed and there is a lingering lack of trust that behaviors will be reapeated. There is also lack of hope that sets in if a person thinks that the other person won't change and it is better to cut their losses than get back into something that does not produce happiness and security inside.

 

Remember forever all those things you mentioned that you did not do when she was with you. You will get another chance. It may not be with this same lady, but it will be with someone even more suited to you.

 

I know you are in a lot of pain and don't even want to think about being with someone else. But you have to face the possibility that she may not come back to you. Be strong and wish her well. Don't act so obsessed: Ever since Fatal Attraction people have gotten spooked by the lover who won't take "no" for an answer. You are not helping your cause by acting desperate. Step back and be confident that, armed with your new knowledge, you will attract and keep a wonderful person who really wants to be with you.

 

Well sir, you've gotten yourself in a fine mess. She is in control now. She has given you the new terms of this relationship. You have to abide by them. I doubt that she is doing this just to make you squirm. This woman is serious!

 

We all make mistakes sometimes. Just because you realize what those mistakes were does not make them anything other than mistakes. You can't undo what has been done. Will she forgive you? Will she want to try again? Her future actions will answer those questions. I don't think continued contact with her under these circumstances will help. The best you can do now is learn from your mistakes and try to forgive yourself. You need to find some things to do to occupy your time and your mind. Look up an old buddy that you haven't talked to in a while. Eventually, you'll have the chance to make up for the things that happened.