Do I really have to go NC to fully heal? Dealing with a breakup with my first love

[Jessica1991]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post on here but since my breakup back in December I've been reading a lot of the post on here.

 

So my ex and I were together for just short of 4 years. We actually broke up on Christmas Eve (Horrible timing). He wasn't my boyfriend but he was my first love. So I am still taking it very hard. After the breakup I cried like every day for 3 weeks straight. Then I went a week without crying now I'm back to crying. I've read a lot about NC on this site and I think it'd probably be whats best but for some reason I can't stick to it. Since our breakup any communication we've had has been initiated by me which is sad because I am the dumpee.

 

When we broke up he told me he wanted to remain friends even when we talked a few weeks after he was telling me how he wanted to remain friends and how he'd still be my friend even if a future gf didn't like it. He also told me he's going to feel jealous when he sees me with someone else. Now he wont talk to me at all. I know the breakup is still fresh and it's probably impossible to be friends this early but it hurts that he won't even talk to me. In case you're wondering we broke up because he felt he was too young to settle down. He felt he hadn't experienced life enough yet. I wasn't pressuring him to settle dow but I mean we were together from the time he was 18 and now he's 22 and I'm 21 so I guess I can understand. I didn't beg or try to get him to stay with me by the way. I just accepted his reasoning.

 

I do feel like I have made some progress in the time since we've been broken up but I also feel I have a long way to go. Does anyone have any advice on dealing with a breakup after being with someone for so long. I think I'm finally ready to go NC but the issue is I borrowed money from him last week (yes even though we're broken up) I have to pay him back in a couple weeks and we'll have to talk to him then. I think the reason he is now not talking to me at all is because when I went to go pick up the money from him I tried to make conversation with him and he basically wasn't having it. So I cried all the way home and then sent him at text saying he was cold hearted. Yes I know it was wrong but I felt so hurt that he didn't even want to talk to me. Because I had done nothing to deserve that. The next morning I felt bad and sent him an email of course he didn't respond. Yesterday I sent a message him didn't respond. I'm so tired of trying and getting nothing back so I'm leaving him alone.

 

My question is do you think I should just officially initiate NC? Do you guys have any advice for moving on after being with someone for so long? Seeing how the last time I saw him it went horrible I'm planning on just leaving the money I owe him in his mailbox when I go to pay him back. Seeing him last time was just too hard. But I was planning on leaving a note saying, " Thanks again for letting me borrow the money I really appreciate it. I know at this point you may not want to talk but if you ever want to be talk you know my email." What do you guys think of that? Other people have been telling me I need to write him a long letter getting my feelings out. I think either way I may just seem desperate but seeing how I don't plan on initiating any contact with him after I pay him back I just want him to know I'd always be open. I think another reason it's hard to move on is because during the breakup and even after we've talked about getting back together one day. He said he hopes one day we could get back together when he learns how to be happy on his own. After the breakup he said he's not ruling it out because we didn't breakup for reasons that made us not love each other anymore. I know it's wrong but I can't get this thought out my head. I need advice on how to stop thinking about rekindling a relationship with him one day. I'm sure it's just going to hinder me from moving on in the long run. UGH as you can tell from this long post I'm a mess but any advice will help. I really do want to recover from this heartbreak and move on and be happy. I don't want to be someone who is still thinking about there ex 10 years from now. I want to heal and be able to fall in love again. Thanks for reading my long saga, I look forward to everyone's advice.

Edited February 9, 2013 by Jessica1991
changed title

[jazze]

I am going through the same thing right now. The difference is there was no official break up from him. He just ignores my calls and texts. Well, I did try the NC but it is hard to maintain especially when at night, lying in bed and the mind start to wander what he is doing or why is he doing this to me. It just so difficult to do the NC.

 

I did a different NC. Instead of breaking the NC and send texts or calls to him, I took a piece of paper and vented out everything I wanted to say to him, curse him, say those hurtful things to him or even wrote things like I missed him, I love etc in that piece of paper. I did that because even if I have sent a text or calls to him, I may or may not get a response. And it will only hurt me further. Of course if I have actually broke the NC, he would know what I was feelings and probably do much damage than good since he isn't bother to respond. I feel so much better after that and very happy because I still stick to my NC. It is something like writing a journal.

 

As of now, didn't break my NC and I get to say what I want about him in my piece of paper. As it turns out, I am healing progressively so I guess I am doing something right for a change.

[grace777]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm 4 months into a breakup, after being together for a bit over 3 years. It sucks. And the first month or two are the hardest. If I could go back and redo the way I reacted the first couple of months, I would... So I'll give you advice based off of that.

 

It sounds like you two had a good thing going. And that is wonderful. It seems like he thinks so too, so treasure that. But, you do need to let it go. He doesn't want it anymore and he made that clear. You must accept it and respect that this is his wish. It will hurt him and it will hurt you. Now I can tell you to not contact him at all. And I really do think that is best, but I think you are going to anyways - you already are planning on swinging by his place to give him money.

 

I suggest you have a friend do that for you. Don't even go with them. Find someone you trust to drop off the money. Thank him for the money, but do not say the "I'll always be around" bit. He knows how to find you if he chooses to, and he knows you still want this relationship. Do not come off as needy desperate. It's a major turn-off. Also, adding any heart-wrenching touches to the letter also do way more harm than good. Leave the money in an envelope with a "thank you - I appreciate it" and that's it.

 

I really recommend journalling. It has helped me tremendously. Say every single thing you want to say. Loving, hurtful, anger-filled, sad, whatever...write it all out. But DO NOT SEND IT. Keep it. I write poetry. I find a certain amount of solace in trying to find abstract metaphors to capture how I'm feeling. Thinking it through to that level allows me to process the emotion. Now when I look back to where I was 3 or 4 months ago, I can see how much I've really grown.

 

This is the hard part, but it helps so much. You have to block or delete, or at the very least ignore him on all of your social networking sites. You don't want to see how he's doing/what he's doing in your feed. It's horrible. Stop calling. Stop texting. And when he contacts you...and he will, do not respond. If it makes you feel better, send one last email where you state that you are going to go NC for your own healing. Wish him well. And that's it. He will reply, but you cannot respond to this reply.

 

It's hard - journal. Talk to friends. Go out and stay busy. Get out of bed before those thoughts creep in. Work out. Put all of the things that he gave you/remind you of him in a box and put that box away in your garage or something. All pictures, etc...save them on a flash drive and add them to this box. You need to remove reminders. They will only prolong the pain.

 

Be grateful that you ended on relatively good terms. Many people have harsh and mean endings. Treasure what you had and look within yourself to see what you've learned. Let go.

 

I've done all of this, but it took me over 2 months to really take action. Two months of HELL I might add. Me and my ex are talking again after over a month of pure no contact. But I'm still not sure it's best. I am really thinking of going right back into the NC very soon.

 

I will say this. I don't cry anymore every other hour. Not even every day. Honestly, not even every week. I do have moments where I'm reminded of the love we shared (we also ended holding dear feelings for each other), but I'm able to shake off the sadness within seconds now. I'm focusing on hanging out with all of those friends and family members I neglected a bit while we were together. It's super fun! And I'm starting to date again -- and actually even developing feelings for someone else (something I thought impossible at first). I'm not out of the woods, but I can see the meadow beyond the trees for the first time.

 

You'll get there. But please, don't prolong the pain like I did. Don't sell out and try to "fix it." It only hurts. He's made up his mind.