macintosh Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Hi everyone, I want to thank you for this forum and reading my post, and hopefully someone giving me some answers.... So I have been with this amazing girl on and off for about 4 years now. There is a very deep connection between us, she always breaks up with me and in some was we always find ourselves back together again. This has been going on for about four years. We met where I used to work and yes that did put a strain on things at the time. I no longer work there which is good for us, that isn't the problem. Every couple has issues, every person has issues, I have mine and she has hers, we are both working on our own issues separately and we do talk about these things with each other. This issue, or the game that seems to being played is one that we have always played, and quite frankly I simply do not know how to stop the game and prevent it from happening. I do see myself with her until the day I die, she sees that too. The issue is that we break up, get back together, break up, get back together and this time the game has changed a little. Let me explain. Just before Christmas we broke up, started talking again, spend NYE together and the shortly after NY's we stopped talking again, she stopped talking to me. Then she started talking to me again and we started hanging out again. Then she tells me that she needs some time to think and to be alone and would prefer that I didn't contact her. I honored that and didn't. Mid February she texts me that she wants to go on in life alone, I don't respond to her, yes it hurt and quite frankly I didn't have anything to say, she made her mind up. Two days later I get around 17 texts messages from her ranging from can we still be friends, to please answer me I get very depressed when you don't answer me. I finally gave in when I got back into town and after an email from her I responded, I couldn't take not talking to her anymore, I was giving her what she, or I assumed, what she wanted and both of us didn't like it much. So everything is going along fine, we talk every day, hang out, make dinner together (always something we loved to do), we start getting to know each other all over again until two days ago. She starts an argument with me over text over our dog that I am minding for her while she is out of town (she's out of town this weekend with some friends). He is doing well with me and she wanted to talk about either him staying with me for good or going to another home, I told her would could talk about it at another time, not 10:30 at night when we are both tired, I was informed that I was being rude. Yesterday she informed me I was being inconsiderate to her because after being asked how my day was I replied it was busy and asked how her day was. She informed me that her day was probably way busier than mine and that I had no clue what busy was. The whole conversation degraded into her saying sorry and that the conversation was stupid because we are acting like a couple and we are not that. Its all very confusing to me because less than three days prior she was telling me she loved me, and then she starts a fight for what? In fact one of the nights we were together she told me that I didn't seem to be fighting too much for her, which simply means to me please fight for me (or am I wrong?). If anyone has any insight to any of this I would love to hear your thoughts as I am utterly lost and confused. Thanks you.
TaraMaiden Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 WTF are you two playing at? I haven't got a clue, but whatever game it is, the rules seem to have got thrown out of the window ages ago.... here's a question: Are you two still 'physical' with each other? 1
17paris17 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 sounds like a test or comfortably. either she wants to take the next step and wants you to show her that you do to ( this is what I see from a girls perspective) or maybe she's trying to get over you and move on if you don't show her you want exclusive and serious about the next step. she wabts to be chased because for some reason there are mixed signals. so if you don't chase her I'm guessing she will assume you don't think she's worth it and she will put her mind to ending this. but if you chase her which I believe is what she's looking for. the dog fight sounds like it was an easy push to make you chase. and say something like no he's our dog. we cab take care of him together. I used to play these "games" because being blunt is scary but its less confusing. she's human she's scared of rejection. so this is a round about way for her to get in your head and see if your all in or not without her being blunt and making hersef available to rejection and hurt
NoMagicBullet Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 (edited) I agree with 17paris17 -- she's unsure of how much you're invested or willing to make the relationship work. If you two have been on/off for four years -- seriously, four years? -- a lot of doubt would be normal. It's not the best way to address the issue, but I do think it's kind of a test, even if she's not consciously intending it be like that. After four years of on/off, I suspect that she thinks that you think you'll always be able to come back to her and that you aren't that serious about getting serious with her (the "we're not a couple" comment). I think she feels you don't appreciate her or care much about her or what's going on in her life (the "you don't know what busy really is" comment). Are you a "go with flow, whatever" kind of guy? Emotionally reserved? Play your cards close to your chest? If so, she may be trying to get some kind of more passionate emotional reaction out of you, even a negative one, just to see how much you value the realtionship -- or if you feel that much at all about her and being with her. I suggest clearly expressing, with no waffle-words or qualifiers, that you want her in your life and want a serious realtionship with her... and demonstrate that with your actions. (If, in fact, that is what you want.) Otherwise, I think she's considering breaking up for the final time. Edited February 9, 2013 by NoMagicBullet additions 1
todreaminblue Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 When people cry out for attention or have the perception they aren't getting any attention, any reaction be it negative or positive is good, in saying that it can be the death knell of a relationship due to game playing and needing constant reassurance, can become very draining on the person having to explain his or her feelings and justify their existence . I agree with magic bullet, you should sit down have a heart to heart and express how you feel and how you want her in your life, you cant continue to have to do this though,it is draining and doesnt allow for progression of the relationship, it will always be a limbo ....or break make up scenario I question the not a couple comment because you are looking after her dog and she was discussing the dog staying with you.You dont do that with just anyone.....best wishes....deb 1
NoMagicBullet Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I question the not a couple comment because you are looking after her dog and she was discussing the dog staying with you.You dont do that with just anyone.....best wishes....deb Very true. I see a red flag in her comment "we're not a couple" -- why does she say that you two are not a couple, although you act like it? Methinks she wants to officially be a couple... and that something or someone has been getting the way of that? Just what is this relationship, anyway? You say you've been with this amazing girl, that you both see being with each other for the rest of your lives, but not once do you explicitly call her your girlfriend. Is she your girlfriend? Do you acknowledge each other as boyfriend/girlfriend in public? Have you met each other's friends & families? For the times that your relationship has been "on", have you two been exclusive/committed to each other and the relationship? The problem might be that it's time for you two to develop a more formal, committed relationship, if the things above have been lacking. It's hard to say, because although you've given us some specifics of her actions, you really haven't said much about your own actions or clearly defined the nature of your relationship with this girl.
Author macintosh Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Thank you for all the replies, and yes everything you are all saying makes a lot of sense. First of all when we are together we hold hands on the couch, kiss and yes we are still physical with each other. In the last four years we have broken up from the smallest thing from me leaving a pan in the oven overnight because I forgot to lift it out after cooking to me not telling her something she later found out about, and no before anyone thinks its not cheating or anything like that, a speeding ticket I forgot to pay. She is extremely insecure, very and constantly needs the reassurance from me that I won't cheat on her, which I never would as I do believe cheating is a choice we make to either do it or not. She gets jealous when I talk to other women, she was questioned my friendship with a number of women even though I have never cheated on her ever, never strayed once from her. Part of the issues have always been her insecurity and judgement, she is extremely judgmental about everything. We both have children, she has a daughter from a relationship and I have a daughter from a marriage, that has never stopped her judging my parenting schedule or anything like that. I think you are all right that the game is how much do you want me, prove to me you are willing to step up and do this for me. 4 years is a long time to be constantly pushing and pulling away in my opinion and quite frankly as much as I love her I am a little tired of this push and pull. When we have been together we do refer to each other and boyfriend girlfriend, now we refer to each other as I just know what you are. Everyone around us treats us as together, we just don't. I do to a certain extent but there is the fear in me to say it out loud to her and get rejected, but then again if I do and get rejected then it could be time to close this down and move on? I just don't know, all I know is that I want the game to stop and to either piss or get off the pot for this relationship. I can't be her friend, if I stay just that the first time she kisses someone or goes on a date it would rip me up inside and I cannot let myself go through that, she does mean the world to me, I love her deeply and I cannot take that kind of hurt in my life. We do need to sit down and clear the air, she needs to know how committed I am to making this work once and for all, if not then I do need to cut off all contact, no matter what it is, give her back our dog and move on with my life.
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