Difficulty understanding his anger

[m.rasp]

I'm going to try to make this as short as possible. Please leave all your thoughts.

 

 

Married a short time to a man I really love. It's been very difficult for me to even be with him but I've wanted it so bad because I love him and he makes me feel complete in my love life.

 

A bit ago he found some information on me that really hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him. He went through my e-mail when I was asleep and found some things that happened while we were dating.

 

My friend had e-mailed me years back about our little adventure at the strip club. We both needed money and our parents are broke so we decided strip. We were only there for a few nights and decided to call it quits because we're really not into that life. She got money for school and I had some to fix my car. I tried to explain it to him, we had been dating about 3 weeks possibly less, and I wasn't sure even what we were at that point, I really liked him but I didn't even know if I was going to see him again (he left the country and we only had IM & e-mail.) I did go full nude on stage or down to thong and I gave 3 lap dances (no grinding or touching). Everyone there knew my situation, I really liked the guy, I thought I loved him, but I wasn't about to ask him for money, and I wasn't going to do anything but dance. Usually I just sat at the bar and talked to people, I even sat there and IM him from my phone, I told him I was at the club with my friend, but I didn't mention what I was doing. I mean it's really private. Most the women in there are married and there husbands are fine with it, they even pick them up from the club. I didn't see it as cheating in the least bit.

 

Well after he found out he was really angry, called me a whore. Said strippers are worst than prostitutes because at least prostitutes finish you off. He didn't believe me when I told him lap dances are clothed (wore a bikini) and that I wouldn't ever grind on someone (gross) and if you get caught there grinding you get thrown out.

 

He went off and told everyone about it. My family, his, and even messaged my friends parents to let them know what she was doing. I think that's ridiculous. There's a reason you don't use your name and there's no pictures allowed. I and even my family thinks it was very caddy for him to tell everyone. My family was okay with it, I've pretty much grown up a little rough, and stripping was never seen as bad, I mean my grandma used to go to see the chippendales. Apparently he even thinks watching them is terrible, and that I would be outraged if it was him doing it. Honestly, I wouldn't have cared. More power to him. It takes a lot of guts to get up on that stage, the first night I even fell because I was so nervous and shaking.

 

I don't really see it as different that watching nude girls online, which he does a lot. I mean he's even asked me to go nude in front of omegle with him... so how is that any worse?

 

 

Also, there's a lot of things he's told me that could totally ruin his relationship with his family, but I really don't want to stoop to his level. My family is accepting and will love me no matter what...his not so much. I don't feel it was right for him to immediately pick up the phone and call his mom..I mean am I married to him or his family. His biggest gripe is what would my family think of me if I stayed with you. Well, I would never leave someone just because my family disproved (which they didn't approve of him).

 

I'm thinking does he even love me? I mean if someone cares more about their families opinion of their spouse than they care about their spouse what does that say?

 

Also on his part, he told his family I was doing this a month before we were married...well no far from. And he told them I was grinding on men and probably giving them hand jobs...another lie. I think he really just doesn't care about me. I mean I've been there for all of the things he's gone through and I was the only one there, his family wasn't they usually didn't even talk to him for months at a time. He's kept many secrets from me that are huge and for some people would had been deal breakers, (he told me things a few days ago when he was drunk). I mean I'm a pretty forgiving person, as long as you love me I'll love you. I don't want another man, but apparently he has many interests in other women (not that he's said he's cheated on me, but he thinks about it). It's very strange to me.

 

Anyways please leave your thoughts.

[imtooconfused]

m.rasp... It's pretty obvious that he probably knows what goes on in a strip club from personal experience rather than from reading about it on-line. That means he's completely disingenuous about his anger towards what you have done. And you know about things that he has kept secret from you which only adds to the confusion. And his reaction of telling all your friends and relatives is quite over the top. I commend you for your level-headedness in the wake of his scorched-earth response. Others will tell you to leave the relationship ASAP.

 

I have no good explanation for how he is reacting, but... Such a strong and fierce reaction in an otherwise stable partner would seem to have a very specific trigger. Identifying what that trigger may be will be the first step in resolving the conflict and avoiding future conflicts. It perhaps has to do with a bad experience in the past, broken trust, something like that.

 

Despite the fact that he's done things that hurt you, if you truly want to get past this, don't use his failings as leverage now. Now is not the time to say "well you did this so I don't understand why what I did was so bad." We know that your personal experience is in the past so focus on leaving that all in the past.

[m.rasp]

Thanks for your opinion =) please other viewers post what you're thinking, I mean only 1 reply for 130 views come on ^_^...

[tojaz]

Thats a bit of a tricky one Rasp.

 

just for comparison, Him asking you to go nude with him on omegle is different because it's with him and this was not only alone, but was also a secret kept from him. Don't make that argument with him.

 

On his anger, and as a guy and former husband, I'll tell you that when hes hearing the story, he's not seeing a girl he'd only been dating a short while on that stage, he's seeing his wife on a stage with guys leering at her and seeing what is supposed to be reserved for him.

 

Yes I know that wasn't established when this happened, and your right, it all sounds very innocent as far as strip clubs go. It's just speaking to his general thought process, its a shock, and it's something he had to uncover rather then having it presented to him as something you felt he had a right to know and thats always going to sting a little.

 

He is overreacting, and in a big way. It sounds to me like he is a very jealous and protective person to begin with (he was going through your E-mails after all) so this played right into his sensitivities.

 

For right now, as long as he's being ruled by anger, nothing your going to say is going to get through. Let the storm pass and for anyone else that asks just remind him that it was something you tried, but it wasn't who you were. Everyone has things like that in their past and it's something that can be understood.

 

Hopefully after the shock wears off and he can look at things with a clearer head, he can too.

 

TOJAZ

[Hope7]

Honestly I agree with you that he is overreacting! I can understand him being hurt and upset, but this was something you did for a couple weeks when you first met him! This wasn't something that you did for years on the side while you were in an exclusive relationship with him. I respect you for doing what you felt you had to do at the time to make money. From your thread you can tell that you are a very level headed, strong, resourceful woman! I personally believe that this was an issue that you two should have worked out together and that he shouldn't have brought your family or his in on it. I really dislike the way he went about handling it.

 

That's not to say he shouldn't be upset at all, but he should have taken that up with you! It would be very hard for me to swallow what he did by way of exposing you! I think you need to sit him down calmly and really try to address what caused him to blow up like that and really listen to what he has to say. Reassure him of your feelings for him and your reasoning for doing it in the first place. I hope once he calms down a little he can understand what your telling him and going foreword I hope he handles any marital issues he has between the two of you! I'm sorry you are going thru this

 

Hope7

[m.rasp]

Thats a bit of a tricky one Rasp.

 

just for comparison, Him asking you to go nude with him on omegle is different because it's with him and this was not only alone, but was also a secret kept from him. Don't make that argument with him.

 

 

 

Well the thing that bothered me with this is that he asked me to go nude on omegle (which I thought was cool) whatever.. it's a stranger what do I care if we get naked in front of them. But.. the problem was that he tricked me (or so he says) and we were actually in front of one of the girls that he met on deployment, which he says was completely just a friend. I didn't even get told this till months later when I found him messaging the girl asking when he was going to see her naked. She told him no. I mean I'm not really jealous over her because I'm way hotter I mean most men say I'm a 9-10 and this girl is about a 3, only because she has big tits..... Although when I asked him about it he said that there's no way they did anything because if they did he would have already seen her naked...well he could have gotten a blowjob without her getting naked right? I mean I wasn't really told what went on during his port times other than he was drinking...I found that he actually got to get off in a port that he told me he had to work the whole time.. I don't understand if there was nothing bad going on why didn't he tell me. I mean I guess he could have been so drunk he didn't remember... he always told me I wouldn't be interested, it wasn't that fun and all his buddies have told me that he didn't do anything. It really shocked me when I found him messaging her though. He told me he met some guy there and hung out but didn't tell me about the girls he met, he said that the reason he stopped talking to them was because they asked him for money , but I don't know because I didn't see anything about that.

[tojaz]

Sounds like there has been a lack of trust on both sides for quite some time and there's a lot more to this story that hasn't been told yet.....

 

TOJAZ

[Yasuandio]

I think he dost protest too much.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think he dost protest too much.

Agreed. And with a side helping of hypocrisy topped by a dollop of double standard.

 

m.rasp, how can you be concerned about the privacy aspects involved ("There's a reason you don't use your name and there's no pictures allowed. I and even my family thinks it was very caddy for him to tell everyone") and yet be nude for an anonymous computer recipient? You're as likely to end up as the pin-up on some x-rated website as you are in reaching the intended user. Foolish...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jf2good]

"Well after he found out he was really angry, called me a whore. " That in itself is enough to walk out on him. Some of his friends need to go knock some sense into him. It is not a big deal you were a stripper, you should have told him, but that in itself should have no impact on how much he loves you and how he feels about you. He is totally wrong calling you a whore.

 

On another note, I really dislike when women who get married and then pretend to be holier than thou about their past, always be honest. However, your oversight was small potatoes compared to a lot of women with past boyfriend, drinking binges, and girls gone wild. That being said he has the right to be a little upset, but he is so wrong and does not deserve you.

[KiraAly]

He's definitely overreacting. You were only together for a couple weeks when that happened. Sure it should have come up at some point before you were married, but he still acted innappropriately. I don't understand at all how he can be so upset yet want to put you naked in front of a camera. You can wait to see how this plays out, but I don't think anyone would blame you for leaving. He clearly doesn't trust you (going through your email) and can't resolve issues in a mature way. Calling your family was completely innappropriate.

[trippi1432]

o_O.. I had to look up omegle....OMG!! I guess I just keep things old-school.

 

My advice, in a nutshell, leave this a**clown. He has the audacity to call you out to his family when he wants you to get naked in front of a stranger..and even then it was another woman he was prompting. Right there ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ he doesn't love or respect you.

[Mack05]

If it were me m.rasp I would want out. I just couldn't be in a relationship with someone who stripped in their past. Whether it was for one night or for 4 years. That is just me though. Everyone has their boundaries and limitations. If I was your husband I'd be pissed to be honest..You should have told him all this before you got married. Now there are severe trust issues. He will be thinking what else hasn't she told me. It is like you are a different person in his eyes.

 

There is also a lack of honesty with him. It's like you really didn't know each other when walking down the aisle, I mean how long were you together before you guys got married? He keeps secrets from his family, has kept secrets from you. He reacts to all this by telling his family, your family and friends. WTF! There are ALOT of red flags here.

 

I learnt a harsh lesson in my past and I hope you understand what I am trying to say below. In my past I have been judgemental about the mistakes my ex's might have made. I was very immature, insecure, obsessive you name it. I know now how wrong I was to ever judge any girl. It is something I will always be regretful for.

 

If you don't agree with someone's past/decisions there are two options. 1) You accept and love them for who they are. Deal with the situation in a mature fashion and NEVER use it against them in a argument. 2) You decide certain behaviours are outside your boundaries and you choose to leave the relationship. Your husband needs to figure out which option he is going to take. Even if he picks option 1 are you really sure you want to stay in this marriage?

 

I have found out the hard way that relationships can only work if you have the same moral code and values. That you view life in pretty much the same way and that you want the same things going forward. For example I am a conservative guy. If I am in a relationship with a liberal woman it simply won't work out. In the past I have tried in vain to make two pieces of a jigsaw fit that simply don't belong together. I would bang it, reshape it, until eventually you realise the two pieces don't fit and never will, no matter how hard you try to adjust and readjust.

 

Some people want open relationships (not sexual!) where communication is clear and concise. That both partners know everything about the other (me). Others want to keep a certain level of privacy (many of my ex's). I feel relationships where you hide certain things from your partner (because maybe you are scared about how they might view you) are dysfunctional from the get go. Again just my opinion and many posters will disagree with that.

 

If you are in a relationship where someone judges you, or wants to change you then you are in the wrong relationship. It really is that simple. I think your guy is immature and insecure and it requires MASSIVE change on his part to stop being that way. My point is if you stay in this relationship he will probably use this against you for many years to come. Eventually he will keep chipping away until there is nothing left to chip at.

 

You need to be firm with him about the above options. I know you love him but you need more then love for a relationship to survive. If you stay with him things will be miserable, no matter how hard you try. He won't leave this go. Trust me I was him. I know the type.

Edited February 10, 2013 by Mack05