Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 @ Soccerp I wish it was just a matter of letting go. Those ladies needed to get professional help. Perhaps a stint in the hospital, meds and therapy. @ShannonMI I can only imagine how that must have felt. All I would say to you is this. Without forgetting the hurt of the end, try not to define the whole relationship by the ending. You had 8 years togehter, most of which was probably pretty good. Think of all the years you and him worked. Think of what you learned from that.... like Barnacle-bob said. As for me, my longest relationship was an on and off affair with a woman who for all sort of cultural and racial reasons would not openly date me. Oh she could screw me...just not date me. I've had so many relationships like that.
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 @ Soccerp I wish it was just a matter of letting go. Those ladies needed to get professional help. Perhaps a stint in the hospital, meds and therapy. I'm convinced of that...to this day, I keep in touch with one of them. Healthy? No, but I feel that I need to be close enough to help. God knows she needs all the support she can get. We have a "strange" relationship...but going back to a romantic relationship is not one of them. I think I'm screwed...and perhaps becoming one of the people the OP is talking about.
ShannonMI Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 @ Soccerp I wish it was just a matter of letting go. Those ladies needed to get professional help. Perhaps a stint in the hospital, meds and therapy. @ShannonMI I can only imagine how that must have felt. All I would say to you is this. Without forgetting the hurt of the end, try not to define the whole relationship by the ending. You had 8 years togehter, most of which was probably pretty good. Think of all the years you and him worked. Think of what you learned from that.... like Barnacle-bob said. As for me, my longest relationship was an on and off affair with a woman who for all sort of cultural and racial reasons would not openly date me. Oh she could screw me...just not date me. I've had so many relationships like that. I do cherish what we had. As I say he is my favorite ex boyfriend. Even though be hurt me so badly and I'm scarred from him, I will always love him in some way. And not many can hold a candle to him. He really was a good boyfriend to me. The end was bad though. As barnacle bob said I now know what a relationship is and what makes it work. I don't waste my time. I'm the dumper now. If things aren't going well, I jump ship. Or I just have FWB relationships or hook ups which don't satisfy me at all. I'm truly a relationship girl. I want nothing more then to be with someone and build a life. I just can't find anyone to do that with. Or the ones i date just don't turn out to be the relationship type of men. My man picker/radar is busted. It's incredibly frustrating.
ShannonMI Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 @ Soccerp I wish it was just a matter of letting go. Those ladies needed to get professional help. Perhaps a stint in the hospital, meds and therapy. @ShannonMI I can only imagine how that must have felt. All I would say to you is this. Without forgetting the hurt of the end, try not to define the whole relationship by the ending. You had 8 years togehter, most of which was probably pretty good. Think of all the years you and him worked. Think of what you learned from that.... like Barnacle-bob said. As for me, my longest relationship was an on and off affair with a woman who for all sort of cultural and racial reasons would not openly date me. Oh she could screw me...just not date me. I've had so many relationships like that. And it's funny what we accept and go along with isn't it? How long did you date that woman? Awhile I'm sure because you said it was your longest relationship. I've accepted and put up with all sorts of bull$hit that most would not dream of putting up with. The longest relationship I had after my epic breakup was with a guy that had all sorts of issues. And I put up with it for over a year. Always thinking he would change and we could make I work. I heard a quote once that really makes sense to me. "We accept the love we think we deserve" A lot of it has to do with our self esteem and the way we value ourselves. Some of us just don't value ourselves like we should and the people we date sense it and follow suit.
Desensitized Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I feel like the problem with many people on this website is that they spend so much time theorizing about how to be successful in the dating world and spend less time going through the trial and error process. There is no streamline path to dating, there are many different ways of being successful at it.
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 And it's funny what we accept and go along with isn't it? How long did you date that woman? Awhile I'm sure because you said it was your longest relationship. I've accepted and put up with all sorts of bull$hit that most would not dream of putting up with. The longest relationship I had after my epic breakup was with a guy that had all sorts of issues. And I put up with it for over a year. Always thinking he would change and we could make I work. I heard a quote once that really makes sense to me. "We accept the love we think we deserve" A lot of it has to do with our self esteem and the way we value ourselves. Some of us just don't value ourselves like we should and the people we date sense it and follow suit. Hi Shannon, Who are you addressing?
ShannonMI Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Hi Shannon, Who are you addressing? Mrlonelyone but what I said goes for anyone
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I feel like the problem with many people on this website is that they spend so much time theorizing about how to be successful in the dating world and spend less time going through the trial and error process. There is no streamline path to dating, there are many different ways of being successful at it. For many you are correct. But as many or more have gone through the trials and tribulations of dating and it hasn't been that much easier. So, we come to sites like this to find solace, affirmation, advice....nothing "wrong" with that as long as it is with the intent to improve ourselves and be closer, commiserate, support... I don't have problems finding dates, rather, finding the right person for me. Figuring out why so many people have such debilitating issues that I find troubling and sad...preventing form having a healthy relationship. I'm seeing now, why, what to look for, what to consider....and learning from people on LS
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 And it's funny what we accept and go along with isn't it? How long did you date that woman? Awhile I'm sure because you said it was your longest relationship. I've accepted and put up with all sorts of bull$hit that most would not dream of putting up with. The longest relationship I had after my epic breakup was with a guy that had all sorts of issues. And I put up with it for over a year. Always thinking he would change and we could make I work. I heard a quote once that really makes sense to me. "We accept the love we think we deserve" A lot of it has to do with our self esteem and the way we value ourselves. Some of us just don't value ourselves like we should and the people we date sense it and follow suit. Well, I've learned I'm not the great guy that I thought I was. If I keep with my current trend, I'll find myself overly burdened and burned out and so have learned to let some things go, however, insensitive it may have seemed to me at one time. I know what I want and NEED, but after the dating experiences I have had over the year (mostly very positive), I realize that in order to survive, I have to be more blunt, more shielded, more cynical, less idealistic....ugh. I am and continue to be a very optimistic and jovial guy, but, man, dating has been a chore...
ShannonMI Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Well, I've learned I'm not the great guy that I thought I was. If I keep with my current trend, I'll find myself overly burdened and burned out and so have learned to let some things go, however, insensitive it may have seemed to me at one time. I know what I want and NEED, but after the dating experiences I have had over the year (mostly very positive), I realize that in order to survive, I have to be more blunt, more shielded, more cynical, less idealistic....ugh. I am and continue to be a very optimistic and jovial guy, but, man, dating has been a chore... Yes dating is a chore. One that I'm sick of partaking in. I've done the whole trial and error and found no one. The ones I find are the wrong ones. Like I've said my good guy radar is broken and I think a lot of it has to do with accepting what I think I deserve. Which is @ssholes apparently. It's all about my self esteem. I've never had a very high one and after I was kicked to the curb by my 8 year guy my self esteem took another nose dive. It's hard to build it back up. I find men and very attractive ones at that so it's not that it's a barren wasteland for me, but they are not quality guys. At least not for me and my personality. So if you've had mostly positive experiences why haven't you gotten serious with anyone?
ja123 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 This is a very good thread. Thanks for starting it, MrLonley! You mentioned having put up with being other people's secret, in the past. So, I think you can firmly say that that's not something you're willing to put up with in the future. You deserve to live openly and freely with someone who cherishes you. As for me, I've been terribly hurt. I am currently terribly lonely, but I realize there's a few bits of housekeeping I have to get in order before I can accept someone's love, and before I can offer all the love I have to give. So, for me it's just not going to happen right this instant. I was in an 8-year LTR and lost pretty much eveything. It's been a helluva climb back up, but I do have more self-esteem now. I guess I'm terrified of opening up and being vulnerable again. And, yet, it's in not doing that that keeps me in my lonely prison. Sometimes, I wonder if my housekeeping argument isn't just a rationalization in order to protect myself.
soccerrprp Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 This is a very good thread. Thanks for starting it, MrLonley! You mentioned having put up with being other people's secret, in the past. So, I think you can firmly say that that's not something you're willing to put up with in the future. You deserve to live openly and freely with someone who cherishes you. As for me, I've been terribly hurt. I am currently terribly lonely, but I realize there's a few bits of housekeeping I have to get in order before I can accept someone's love, and before I can offer all the love I have to give. So, for me it's just not going to happen right this instant. I was in an 8-year LTR and lost pretty much eveything. It's been a helluva climb back up, but I do have more self-esteem now. I guess I'm terrified of opening up and being vulnerable again. And, yet, it's in not doing that that keeps me in my lonely prison. Sometimes, I wonder if my housekeeping argument isn't just a rationalization in order to protect myself. ja123, You remind me of someone I know all too well. Keeping up very high walls makes it difficult for you to find someone... pushes away some real keepers...
ja123 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 ja123, You remind me of someone I know all too well. Keeping up very high walls makes it difficult for you to find someone... pushes away some real keepers... Indeed it does! Yes, my walls are very high right now and I have been self-imprisoned. It's coming up to five years of being single! Oh sure, I've met people, and had some laughs, etc. But I won't dare let anyone get close. I run for the hills! I had one significant connection in all that time. And the only reason I could let my heart open was because I knew he was leaving the country. We're still sporadically in touch, but if he said he were coming back, then I'd probably collaspse from anxiety. I'd run. I really, truly would run. And somewhere, I am sad in that I couldn't, in the time that I knew him, ever tell him how I felt about him. I am becoming the author of my own tragedy of loneliness. It's encouraging to hear Barnacle-Bob, serial muse, and others say that it's possible to be happy with someone again. But I honestly, don't know quite how to get there, in terms of letting someone in. It's not like I haven't grieved. It's not like I think of my ex very often, and I certainly don't pine it's having ended. It was so horrible. But, perhaps, I'm just still (though you'd never guess if you met me: I hide behind well-crafted charm, and false bravado; I have become cavalier) a sensitive romantic ... and it was the crushing of that dream ... that I never truly got over. The gates of some other reality were opened, and all of the sudden it's like I'd found myself in some foreign country, not knowing anyone, not knowing how to speak the language, and feeling unbearably alienated, and yet keeping up the façade that things are OK, and life is quite normal. So, I "adjusted", and now I act as though I speak the language, but I never truly felt it was my own. I guess I'd have to meet a horse-whisperer at this point.
ScienceGal Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 Put in the ideal situation, I am most certainly ready. Despite all the relationship woes I have been through, I feel like I've come out a better person. I am more prepared now to be a great partner to someone than I have ever been before. But, will I get out of my own way and start making better choices so I can actually ever land in an ideal situation? That's a different story.
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