Mrlonelyone Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Fellow long time LS'ers this is really about you and I who have been around here for a while and single ....or one disastrous romance after the other. Are we just too damaged by rotten experiences to have a truly healthy relationship? Divorces, Abuse, Being treated badly, Chronic rejections, etc. Maybe we really are just not date-able even while most of us are good looking enough that some segment of the population would find us attractive.
fortyninethousand322 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I feel like it. Often. I have a hard time seeing myself with someone, it's very much like imagining myself as a crocodile or something. After a long time of being single and dateless, you really start to think that there's something wrong with you.
Green Light Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I think a lot of it comes down to luck. Theoretically, the more chances you take the more your chances for success increase. However, the human mind keeps track of things and it sounds the alarm after so many failures. Plus, failure is mentally tiring.
serial muse Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 (edited) I've been through phases when I was too damaged to successfully date. I originally came to LS during one of those times, as so many people here do. It took a while, and it was a long road for me, but now I'm happily remarried. So I don't think people on LS are necessarily permanently damaged; I've been here a verrrry long time and I've seen a whole lot of people come and go, "graduating" as it were from damaged to OK to happy or at least content. Happens a lot around here. I do think people put a lot of pressure on themselves about this damaged thing, perhaps because people assume all damage is permanent. They have a hard time giving themselves permission for it, out of a fear of stigma. Which is funny, because one does not just walk into LS...happy. It's the one thing we all have in common. Not that that keeps people from judging others, even so. But still. We've all been damaged. Anyway. The damage may leave scars, sure, but it can also lead to wisdom. I've seen a lot of that around here too. Edited February 8, 2013 by serial muse 1
Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 @49322, Green Light It would be a little insane not to question ones self if one relationship fails after the other. @Maverick 78 Well, it is a fact that there can't be someone for everyone. One of my idols, Issac Newton, as far as anyone knows never found anyone (woman or man). Could have been from various childhood trauma's.
mesmerized Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 You are only as damaged as you want to feel. You can instead choose to feel wise, realistic and experienced. When I compare myself to my girl friends who had the same boyfriend since 19, I just feel like and see that I'm much more grown up than them and I like it. Each to their own. 1
Necris Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I think some of us are either unlucky or really aren't exactly ready to date, have sex, and get in relationships.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 @Serial Muse I hope you are right. But then I know people who are HIV +, drag queens, who none the less have wives and children. Their wives know all of this and accept them as they are. It is both reassuring that if that can happen, then a healthy person like me should have hope. It also raises the question, why hasn't it? @mesmerized That's certainly one way to look at it.
Green Light Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I think some of us are either unlucky or really aren't exactly ready to date, have sex, and get in relationships. And I'll add another category: don't really want a relationship right now even though our hormones, society, and habits tells us we do.
Green Light Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 @Serial Muse I hope you are right. But then I know people who are HIV +, drag queens, who none the less have wives and children. Their wives know all of this and accept them as they are. It is both reassuring that if that can happen, then a healthy person like me should have hope. It also raises the question, why hasn't it? Some people get lucky and win the jackpot.
serial muse Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 @Serial Muse I hope you are right. But then I know people who are HIV +, drag queens, who none the less have wives and children. Their wives know all of this and accept them as they are. It is both reassuring that if that can happen, then a healthy person like me should have hope. It also raises the question, why hasn't it? @mesmerized That's certainly one way to look at it. Because it's entirely possible that you're not in a place to have a healthy relationship right now, and sometimes the only way out of the damaged period (for lack of a better term) is through. Like I said, I've been here for ages (actually since 2004 ) and it's not like things got better for me overnight. It took me a while to really address what I was contributing to my own dating woes, as well as just time to find the person I wanted to be with. I know that by the time many people decide to join a dating advice site, they already feel like they're at their wits' end. So advice to be patient isn't going to go over well. I get it. I didn't like it either. But the reason I get so frustrated with people looking to external factors (women are all shallow, men are all jerks) is that that's just going to keep you in the same place for longer. The only person anybody can make any alterations to is him(her)self, and not addressing that prolongs the inevitable. 1
serial muse Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 @49322, Green Light It would be a little insane not to question ones self if one relationship fails after the other. @Maverick 78 Well, it is a fact that there can't be someone for everyone. One of my idols, Issac Newton, as far as anyone knows never found anyone (woman or man). Could have been from various childhood trauma's. I don't think there's any evidence that Newton was looking, either. I remember another poster bringing this up as somehow significant - but how can it be indicative of anything beyond one man's circumstances? For all we know, he may have simply been asexual and flatly uninterested in a relationship. That doesn't apply to most people who come to LS. A LOT of extremely smart people, including many introverts and societal outcasts, have found people, however. I don't subscribe to soul mates or that there's someone for everyone - I just think it's possible to find happiness with many people, depending on what you're open to and where you are in life.
carhill Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Are we just too damaged by rotten experiences to have a truly healthy relationship? If one has the awareness to examine, process and consider this dynamic, IMO the answer is 'no'. OTOH, we could be hardwired like salmon to swim upstream, spawn and die. That's definitely a simpler, clearer life. Me, I'll take some ambiguity and damage. 1
outsidethebox Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 This could be more relevant than OT, but Newton was smitten with neighbor girl from childhood on through adulthood.
serial muse Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 This could be more relevant than OT, but Newton was smitten with neighbor girl from childhood on through adulthood. There are also those who claim he was gay. I mean, who knows, it's all speculation.
Necris Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I don't know what to tell you. I don't know the dating habits and preferences of Isaac Newton. From my understanding Issac Newton was voluntarily celibate his entire life.
Necris Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 There are also those who claim he was gay. I mean, who knows, it's all speculation. I do find it funny nowadays if a guy isn't having sex with women he's automatically assumed to be gay. Even I had people think I was secretly gay, because I've never had a girlfriend.
serial muse Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I do find it funny nowadays if a guy isn't having sex with women he's automatically assumed to be gay. Even I had people think I was secretly gay, because I've never had a girlfriend. Well, I agree with you there. My point, however, was meant to be that the only thing we know is that he didn't have a relationship. Beyond that, it's just speculation. But I wouldn't think of him as an example of how hard it can be out there.
Treasa Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Fellow long time LS'ers this is really about you and I who have been around here for a while and single ....or one disastrous romance after the other. Are we just too damaged by rotten experiences to have a truly healthy relationship? Divorces, Abuse, Being treated badly, Chronic rejections, etc. Maybe we really are just not date-able even while most of us are good looking enough that some segment of the population would find us attractive. I have to admit that I had this, rather CHOSE this, with two horrible guys in a row. I dated the first guy from 2004 until 2010, and then the other guy almost all of last year. Both are selfish, narcissistic *******s. My only mistake was not realizing it a lot sooner and getting the hell out. I know what to completely avoid, and now my standards are really freaking high. Luckily for my current boyfriend, he not only meets them, he exceeds them. I stick around when it's entertaining or someone's story grabs at me in some way and I really want to help them. I'm not damaged. I'm weathered. Broken in. Strong. And see? I have a bunny.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Well I can list off all my long term sexual relationships and how wrong most of them were. Suffice it to say, oddly, my earliest relationships with women were with much older women. I was a high school student, and they were teachers. I had lost it before the first teacher to a girl. I had to sneak around, and keep my relationship a horrible secret...I was a horrible secret. Every relationship I've had has been one where I wasn't a point of pride for my partner for one reason or the other. I was forbidden taboo fruit of the garden, not a person.
Author Mrlonelyone Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Maybe in my case what I need to do is get over and let go of the past hurts of so many really bad relationships. It's not easy to do . Even as I radically accept what has been with every fiber of my being that dosen't make it any easier to move forward. I am so scared of getting hurt. 1
SJC2008 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I think I am. I can't even get a gf but mabye I shouldn't. We live in a world of dishonesty, liars, cheaters, gigs and the list goes on. Do I really want into societys shytty night club?
serial muse Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Maybe in my case what I need to do is get over and let go of the past hurts of so many really bad relationships. It's not easy to do . Even as I radically accept what has been with every fiber of my being that dosen't make it any easier to move forward. I am so scared of getting hurt. I hear you. Not that it makes it any easier to do. But...hugs. 1
soccerrprp Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 The simple answer is yes, there are those so damaged that establishing a meaningful relationship is very difficult. I've dated a few ladies where depression is so much a part of their lives b/c of past experiences that they cannot see a good thing when it hits them in the face. They can't let go....yes. The answer for too many is, "yes." 1
ShannonMI Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Fellow long time LS'ers this is really about you and I who have been around here for a while and single ....or one disastrous romance after the other. Are we just too damaged by rotten experiences to have a truly healthy relationship? Divorces, Abuse, Being treated badly, Chronic rejections, etc. Maybe we really are just not date-able even while most of us are good looking enough that some segment of the population would find us attractive. I absolutely feel this way. I feel like my "good guy" radar is broken. I pick good looking guys who seem to have things going for them, but they all turn out to be @ssholes. I was burned horribly 2.5 years ago by an 8 year relationship. Thought I had the greatest guy, was happy, but he dumped me and left me for someone else. Since then I've dated unsuccessfully. I've been in one serious relationship and the guy was not a good person. I think it's all because of my past and how badly I was hurt. Now I hook up and feel lousy about it afterwards. It's tough going. It's like I'm punishing myself for something. For not living up to the expectations of my 8 year guy. I obviously wasn't good enough or we would still be together. I'm seeking valuation in all the wrong places.
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