Decisive Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 After a three year relationship, my gf has informed me she's going back to her ex. They were married for a number of years and had kids together. Their marraige was filled with issues of controlling and self-centered behavior and she made no secret that she was misserable to everyone around her. I met her through friends and knew she was on the verge of a divorce. I tried to support her through the process and was great to her kids. I knew something was up and problems started to enter our time together but when I asked, I never got a straight answer. Then, not days after our split, she tells me they've decided to give it another go. She said she had to give her family unit another try. Makes me wonder if I ever knew her at all - especially how she made her old life sound so terrible. It all feels like such a huge betrayal. I've decided NC is the best approach and, aside from a few minor exchanges there has been and will be zero contact. I don't believe the last chapter of all this has been written - but who ever knows.
startinganew777 Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I am sorry you are going through this. This same think kinda happened to me although we were only together 3 months. I think when kids are involved, the mother/father of their kids will always hold a special place in their heart no matter what they say. I have seen so many instances where parents got back together to try for their kids. You have a child with someone, that person is always a part of you and I think if is it possible, it is hard to pass up a chance to reconcile. 3 years is a long time and I can't imagine how you feel. If it is meant to be, it will be. I think no contact is best for you and her. Again, I am sorry.
meeji Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 The one thing you can do is think about the kids. Think about how happy they will be that they have their parents back. It sucks that things didnt work out but its better now than later after you proposed to this woman. I would try to move on and look for someone that you can be with with without the baggage.
jovan Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 There is nothing some1 can say that will make you feel any better. But if I learned anything from my past is " doubt everything you know ". 2
Ajax Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 While I'll agree that at least for the time being the kids will be happy to have their parents together again, if it's an abusive relationship it can do more harm than good. Regardless of the good that this may do for others, for the OP it's devastating. Granted I've never been on this situation, but I suspect that there's a high likelihood this woman may still use you as an emotional crutch, or keep you hanging on in case things fall apart again with her ex. For your own good and sanity, I think you should cut all ties with this woman and her family.
Author Decisive Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 I hate that this has happened but, I understand the draw that children can have on a couple. From what I have heard, he was never much of a dad to the kid so I can't image how or why that would change now. What I can't understand is the logic that anything that was so broke before - would miraculously be better now. Aren't people just who they are in the end? And in the end, she would toss away everything we had. Either way - I'm out. NC from here on. It's whats best for me and I know it. Thank you all for being so kind and helpful.
GingerVixen Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 You're doing it right my friend. Keep the NC alive. There's nothing you can do about this situation so keep it alive.
Author Decisive Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Agreed. NC is the key - for those of you out there with any doubt (when you are the one on the receiving end of the breakup) know this: You can be viewed from the perspective of Dignity, Self Confidence and Self Respect (meaning - No. I don't accept you back on your terms - I accept you back on mine) or You can be viewed from the standpoint of pitty and total comprimise (meaning - I want you back in my life so bad I'll accept anything you do or have done). I believe it is possible to win him or her back - by letting the person own their own decisions and finding out on their own what life is like "where the grass is suppossed to be greener". But if you beg, plead and try to force them to feel something they do not (if only during that time) you - and the feelings you would like to regain in the relationship are doomed. Best of luck to you all. 1
KatZee Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Your mistake was getting involved with a married woman. He's not just her ex, but her husband. They may have been separated but at the end of the day they were still in a marriage, and nothing with you would have progressed unless she got a divorce. In three years that never happened. I think you need to just go NC. This was always a dead end relationship for you.
Author Decisive Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 (edited) Your mistake was getting involved with a married woman. He's not just her ex, but her husband. They may have been separated but at the end of the day they were still in a marriage, and nothing with you would have progressed unless she got a divorce. In three years that never happened. I think you need to just go NC. This was always a dead end relationship for you. No - they did divorce. Which is why this is all so difficult to comprehend.Sorry if I didn't make the clear enough in the original post. The marraige has been over (formally) for some time now. Edited February 9, 2013 by Decisive
big bear Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 After a three year relationship, my gf has informed me she's going back to her ex. They were married for a number of years and had kids together. Their marraige was filled with issues of controlling and self-centered behavior and she made no secret that she was misserable to everyone around her. I met her through friends and knew she was on the verge of a divorce. I tried to support her through the process and was great to her kids. I knew something was up and problems started to enter our time together but when I asked, I never got a straight answer. Then, not days after our split, she tells me they've decided to give it another go. She said she had to give her family unit another try. Makes me wonder if I ever knew her at all - especially how she made her old life sound so terrible. It all feels like such a huge betrayal. I've decided NC is the best approach and, aside from a few minor exchanges there has been and will be zero contact. I don't believe the last chapter of all this has been written - but who ever knows. Hats Off dude.. You are handling it really bravely..
Author Decisive Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Hats Off dude.. You are handling it really bravely.. The support is very much appreciated. Thank you.
StraylightRun24 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Agreed. NC is the key - for those of you out there with any doubt (when you are the one on the receiving end of the breakup) know this: You can be viewed from the perspective of Dignity, Self Confidence and Self Respect (meaning - No. I don't accept you back on your terms - I accept you back on mine) or You can be viewed from the standpoint of pitty and total comprimise (meaning - I want you back in my life so bad I'll accept anything you do or have done). I believe it is possible to win him or her back - by letting the person own their own decisions and finding out on their own what life is like "where the grass is suppossed to be greener". But if you beg, plead and try to force them to feel something they do not (if only during that time) you - and the feelings you would like to regain in the relationship are doomed. Best of luck to you all. I really love this. I don't know how many times I've read something along these lines but you somehow finally made the light bulb go off in my head!
Author Decisive Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 I really love this. I don't know how many times I've read something along these lines but you somehow finally made the light bulb go off in my head! Good. Be better to yourselves folks. That's all that is missing here. Believe me. If you are on the side of 'right' (not that there always is a right or wrong), moreover; if you have been betrayed or dishonored by the actions of a person you trusted or committed to - then think more of yourselves than to accept anything just to have them back. Don't you at least owe it to yourself to try???? God Bless you all. May we all find what we seek.
Author Decisive Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 I mentioned this in an earlier thred but it bears repeating.... The moment you can demonstrate to someone that you can live without them, you'll never have to. Words of wisdom. God Bless All.....
CptSaveAho Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 I met her through friends and knew she was on the verge of a divorce. . No - they did divorce. Which is why this is all so difficult to comprehend.Sorry if I didn't make the clear enough in the original post. The marraige has been over (formally) for some time now. 1 word... rebound... never let her have her time alone
Author Decisive Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 Interesting observation. Not saying I disagree - but how is that my decision to make (giving her the "space" between relationships)? At some point, the accountability has to go back to the person who leaves. I don't accept her deciding to flee back to what was *known and comfortable* has anything to do with my fault - aside from my contribution to any problems we had when we were together. Else, it's on her.
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