OctEmber Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 So the guy that I like has a girlfriend and kids. I come from a broken home so I know how difficult it is for kids. Therefore I have no desire at all in hurting his family life. However, I would like to become closer friends with him. He really is a great guy and if in the future if he and his girlfriend were to split and we did become a couple I think we would be great together. Anyway, would it be inappropriate to offer to help him with a side project (if he can't get someone else to go) it meant it would be just the two of us together for at least 4-5 hours? As I said, this would be an offer out of friendship, nothing more. Would it bother you if another girl offered to assist your boyfriend - alone?
serial muse Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 So the guy that I like has a girlfriend and kids. I come from a broken home so I know how difficult it is for kids. Therefore I have no desire at all in hurting his family life. However, I would like to become closer friends with him. He really is a great guy and if in the future if he and his girlfriend were to split and we did become a couple I think we would be great together. Anyway, would it be inappropriate to offer to help him with a side project (if he can't get someone else to go) it meant it would be just the two of us together for at least 4-5 hours? As I said, this would be an offer out of friendship, nothing more. Would it bother you if another girl offered to assist your boyfriend - alone? Oh boy. But it's not "an offer out of friendship, nothing more." You do have designs on him; be honest with yourself here. This strikes me as an idea that will not end well. It wouldn't bother me if another woman offered to assist my boyfriend. It would bother me if another woman who wanted to date my boyfriend offered to assist him, though. People do tend to sense this. So you would be creating drama. Do you really want to be that person? 1
Author OctEmber Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Well, I certainly don't want to cause drama. That's honestly NOT my intention for wondering if I should offer to help. I've always been the type of person to help someone in need and it looks like he may need a "wing man" for something he has coming up so I've just been wondering if I should offer is all. My offer would be out of friendship. I do not want anything to happen between us and I really don't think anything will anyway. He seems to love his girlfriend very much and I respect that. I have met his girlfriend and she's pretty nice. I'd just rather have him in my life as a friend than to not have him in my life at all. If my offering to help him here will cause more grief than anything else, I'll definitely reconsider offering. Now, if by chance he asks me for help should I or shouldn't I?
clia Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Well, I certainly don't want to cause drama. That's honestly NOT my intention for wondering if I should offer to help. I've always been the type of person to help someone in need and it looks like he may need a "wing man" for something he has coming up so I've just been wondering if I should offer is all. My offer would be out of friendship. I do not want anything to happen between us and I really don't think anything will anyway. He seems to love his girlfriend very much and I respect that. I have met his girlfriend and she's pretty nice. I'd just rather have him in my life as a friend than to not have him in my life at all. The thing is, your intentions aren't pure, as much as you want to try to convince us (and yourself) that they are. You have a crush on him. You want to get closer to him. You want to be there to swoop in should something happen between him and his girlfriend. So, yeah, I'm not buying that you are wanting to do this out of the goodness of your heart, or just to be friends with him. (Surely there are single guys out there you can be friends with, if you need friendship so badly.) I really don't think you should offer to help him. I just don't see what good it does you to even try to develop a friendship with this guy. Why would you put yourself through that? Why not try to find someone who is not in a relationship? Now, if by chance he asks me for help should I or shouldn't I? What makes you think he might ask you for help? How do you even know him? 1
Janesays Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Yes. It's inappropriate. YOU'RE inappropriate. And the only APPROPRIATE thing you can do right now is find a SINGLE man to 'help' with their 'side projects.' Jeez. The audacity of some people!
Author OctEmber Posted February 8, 2013 Author Posted February 8, 2013 Yes. It's inappropriate. YOU'RE inappropriate. And the only APPROPRIATE thing you can do right now is find a SINGLE man to 'help' with their 'side projects.' Jeez. The audacity of some people! Yeah no kidding! I came for a some honest advice and you guys are treating me like a piece of ****. I'm sorry I haven't dated slept with a gazillion people. I'll be the first to admit that my dating experience is not where it should be for someone of my age, but I'm trying to figure things out. I don't need the attitude I'm getting. So, you can all just go shove it. For a forum that's supposed to be helpful, none of you are! Seriously, drop the god damn attitude and try to help instead of making them feel like useless pieces of ****.
MyPoutine Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 You want to put dibbs on a man who is already taken. He is taken. He has a gf and children. He is taken. He is taken. He is taken. That's all you need to know.
CarrieT Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Yeah no kidding! I came for a some honest advice and you guys are treating me like a piece of ****. I am terribly sorry you are feeling like you are being mis-treated. But the truth is that many of us have had out marriages destroyed by people who may start out as well-meaning, but end up being affair partners. It is only because we have seen the pattern, even if you haven't. I'll be the first to admit that my dating experience is not where it should be for someone of my age, but I'm trying to figure things out. I don't need the attitude I'm getting. What you are getting is honesty and that is what this site is best at. I think you are so riled is because you have designs towards him that are not entirely honorable; you admitted as much in your first post. And we can see how deep those types of feelings go because many of us have been there. For a forum that's supposed to be helpful, none of you are! Seriously, drop the god damn attitude and try to help instead of making them feel like useless pieces of ****. If you calm down a bit, you will see that we are being helpful. You are feeling poorly because - deep down - you know that you need to back away and the cold, hard truth is hard to swallow. No one has called you any bad names other than "homewrecker" and that would only hit close to home because you are rationalizing that while you don't want to disrupt his family life, you do have a longing for him that is in appropriate. Why else would you have come to a site like this? Again, I am sorry if anyone has made you feel like crap. It was not intended, but the outcome is the same: If you are even questioning if you should do it and THAT brought you here, than you know you probably should not. 2
miss_jaclynrae Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 No. Just no. Leave him alone, leave his family alone. What did you expect people here to say?
JMCOSU838 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Yeah no kidding! I came for a some honest advice and you guys are treating me like a piece of ****. I'm sorry I haven't dated slept with a gazillion people. I'll be the first to admit that my dating experience is not where it should be for someone of my age, but I'm trying to figure things out. I don't need the attitude I'm getting. So, you can all just go shove it. For a forum that's supposed to be helpful, none of you are! Seriously, drop the god damn attitude and try to help instead of making them feel like useless pieces of ****. Yes, it's inappropriate. Janesays, from what I read, is the only person who was disrespectful, so it's inaccurate to say "you guys". The others may not have told you what you wanted to hear, but I do not think they were disrespectful in the way they said it.
LoverOfDance Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 Girl, I've been in your place and I know exactly what it feels like. Some ppl on here are quite rude and blunt and even though they maybe SOMEWHAT correct, they give answers coldly and harshly and really don't give a damn about how you're feeling while others understand where you're coming from and genuinely want 2 help. My advice 2 u is to let him be. Think about it, what if he ends up getting married 2 his gf, what would u do then? Some ppl say if he has a gf, get close 2 him and if they break up, lucky lucky u. Well, what if they get married? U wld have wasted all that time waiting 4 him and it wld be much more difficult 4 u to let go cause u wld have invested 2 much. Plus, do u really want to be like a vulture, sitting around waiting 4 their relationship to die so u can finally have him to yourself. I'm in a very similar situation rht now and I'm pretty much doing nothing about it. I wld advise u 2 do the same. Leave him alone. Don't worry, one day we will both find someone who will love us to the moon and back and guess what, he'll be single:)
serial muse Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 What you are getting is honesty and that is what this site is best at. I think you are so riled is because you have designs towards him that are not entirely honorable; you admitted as much in your first post. And we can see how deep those types of feelings go because many of us have been there. If you calm down a bit, you will see that we are being helpful. You are feeling poorly because - deep down - you know that you need to back away and the cold, hard truth is hard to swallow. Yes, exactly. OP, I don't think I was harsh in my post. But I'm calling it like I see it: You're not being honest with us, or with yourself, when you say that you don't have designs on him. You do. And you have an opportunity to not act on them. That's the crossroads you're at. The only way to make a good choice here is to face yourself honestly. I hope you can bring yourself to do that, even if it's not something you want to see. If you take nothing else away from this conversation, perhaps you'll take away that what you want is still crystal-clear, despite attempts to obscure it or rationalize it away, as CarrieT said. But - and I don't mean this cruelly, it's just the truth - you really aren't fooling anybody, except perhaps yourself. I'm just saying, take a breath and think about it. And yes, by the way, you will find if you stick around here that Loveshack is generally hostile to infidelity. There are other sites that might be less so, but many, many people end up here because their husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends, whoever, cheated on them, and they've seen and heard all the excuses from the wayward spouses as well as from the "other woman/man" that they can stomach, many of which have to do with "started out as friends" and "I didn't plan this". I agree that people can be harsh, but there is something to be learned from that, even so - for many people, it's BTDT, and that's why they aren't fooled.
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