She won't give me answers but can you?

[aussie sam]

hey guys. This is my first time posting here but I'm hoping that by doing so I can come to terms more with my breakup and hopefully find a little insight into what happened from you guys. There are infinite complications which make our story different but I'll try stick to some basics.

 

So we have been close friends for the last 2 years, 1 year officially together and the last 6 months have been long distance while I have been in Amsterdam. she had just moved over to Germany to complete her 3rd year of university. The rough plan was that we would then spend the next year long distance (but still closer than the last 6 months). We had both made our travel plans before getting together.

 

Anyways so after 6 months of being apart she visited me once and it was nice. Then she traveled and visited family for about a month before starting university. 2 weeks after starting university (and 2 days after planning her next trip to come and see me), out of nowhere she dumped me and didn't really give me much of a reason, something about our relationship wasn't what she wanted in her life. She had made some new friends and was having a really good time. Naturally I was in shock and didn't know what to say so we ended the conversation. I asked the next day if she could just call me and explain what happened so that I could move on and of course she said no and that I should deal with it alone. So naturally without knowing why I was at a loss. Did she find someone new? was she planning this for a while but just waiting till she had a new life to distract her through the breakup?

 

So a few days later she said that she was sorry that it was so hard for me and that she could call me and tell me what I wanted to know and hoped that we could be friends one day. I told her that I didn't really feel like I would be able to trust her as a friend (since I was still so shocked by the sudden cut off without warning) but accepted her offer of closure. She called and I got a few more vague answers and she seemed really defensive about everything but I felt a little bit better. After that I wished her well and started No Contact, It's been two weeks since the breakup.

 

What do you guys think might have happened? I'm pretty sure now that it wasn't a new guy. I can understand the breakup and her wanting freedom maybe but the way she did it was really out of character and selfish I feel (maybe that's just my emotions at the moment). Did her new friends suggest it maybe? As I write this I feel pathetic but I know many of you guys have been in the same boat and I know that this is a common situation. I'm trying to move on but still deeply in love with this girl and am finding it hard to shake the hope of her calling or something. I've never felt this way before about someone.

 

Thanks a bunch! - Jason

[TaraMaiden]

She won't give me answers but can you?

 

Yeah, but you're not going to like it....

 

.... I wished her well and started No Contact, It's been two weeks since the breakup.

 

What do you guys think might have happened? I'm pretty sure now that it wasn't a new guy.

 

Well, I think it might have been.

Or maybe she got a taster at university of how much easier it is to lead a social life if you're actually unattached to begin with....

There may have been a 'new guy' who acted as a catalyst, but maybe not.

In any case you should thank your lucky stars that it would appear, on the face of it, she ended it BEFORE embarking on a cheating fling.....

 

Well done with the No Contact by the way.

If you need 'backup' or revision, read the link in my signature.

 

Expect her to contact you soon to 'touch base, see how you are, just thought I'd say 'Hi'.....' even if you asked her not to, it's likely she will.... so read the Guide for some pointers....

 

Thanks for coming in and sharing.

Like I say, hard to believe, but maybe you got off lightly.

[aussie sam]

First and foremost, Thanks Taramaiden! I think you have confirmed what I thought.

 

I am a bit of a newby to this type of thing. Would you believe that at 24 I haven't had a proper relationship since I was 18 and so this one was hard to jump into but I felt ready again. So naturally when she broke up with me I had no idea what to do. Unfortunately I had already sent one short angry message and was about to send a second and final one that was longer and more emotional and said how I felt and that I was going NC with her. literally 2 seconds before I was about to send it is when she said that she would let me have the second closure call. I sent the message anyways so she could read it before the call and then I haven't had contact since that call. (about 1 and a half weeks ago). That was also just after I found about about Caliguy's NC thread (and your revision) and it blew my mind (I know that the second email was contradictory to NC but I felt I had to say something since it just ended out of nowhere.

 

Just after starting this thread I found the thread on G.I.G.S and it spoke even truer to me. It was scary how accurate it was!!!!! It even explains how I felt after I ended my first relationship at 18. I was kind of already aware of this concept in some way so I thought that by being supportive of her making new friends and a new life that we could avoid it by not making her feel restricted but I think she's got a bad case of G.I.G.S and I have to deal with that

 

I am taking active steps to convince myself that it's over and that I should move on and I think I might even be strong enough to ignore her if that "Hi" message comes up. Do you think that it will maybe still come even though I have sent those two unhelpful emails?

 

This website (and especially your posts Taramaiden) have helped me see light on something that I had no idea about 2 weeks ago. I just wish I knew this from the start!

 

Thanks a bunch!

[cavalier99]

Yes. She will most likely try to contact you again in a few weeks or months. Doesn't matter. Ignore and stay NC. Quickest way to recover hands down.

 

The longer I've been on this forum and with more personal experience the more obvious and clear it becomes.

 

Those who stay hardcore NC recover. Those who break NC or respond to contact are still in a world of hurt.

 

Hang strong your doing the right thing. Rock On! Cav

[TaraMaiden]

You're very complimentary aussie sam and I appreciate it.

A lot of times, I get blasted by newbies for being cruel, heartless, insensitive and bitchy. One person accused me of being "a right little ray of sunshine, aren't you?"

 

But bless them, they now contact me in PM's for 'insider advice'.

 

So once they get to know me - I'm not so bad!!

 

Nice to meet you.

Hope all goes well with you - Stick around - we could do with someone sensible!!

[BarbecueMan666]

Just been through a very similar situation, almost too similar.

 

I live in Arizona and play video games for a living in a house of gamers, - My partner moved in with me for 6 months or so after being long distance for 6 months prior. We were happy. Her grad school started in LA, and off she went. Things were cool initially, talking frequently, everything felt comfortable until she started messaging much less frequently, and eventually came out and said she thinks she wants to break up. She didn't really have much of a reason, besides she doesn't see it working, distance and all that - wasn't a problem prior but hey, things change.

I tried to make it work for an extra 3 months or so, in which I visited her more frequently, but rather than being the sparky upbeat person I was fond of (she suffered from depression) - she was this mopey individual the majority of the time.

 

While I don't know exactly what happened, what I do know is I wasn't truly happy, mainly because she wasn't - and being in love with someone, who was distancing themselves from me would cause more friction in the long run.

Was it another guy? Possibly. Was it that she was too busy? Possibly.

Did she just slowly fall out of love with me? Possibly. Honestly what ever answer you'd get - it all points to her not wanting to be with you anymore, and while cruel/harsh - I'm sorry to come across that way, but getting a "reason" is something we all think will help, but whether we know the reason or not, it's her not wanting to be with you, and most of the time, even if we think we can prevent it, or change it - we can't.

 

While I'm still not recovered at all, (I think about my partner hourly) - Your story sounded so similar to mine that, I just wanted to share with you, and let you know you're not alone. Sometimes people just find it very hard to open up and share what they're going through. Be it because they don't want to hurt you, or they think it'll be easier for you. Either way, you'll be fine dude.

[aussie sam]

Thanks for your insight BarbecueMan. I think you raised a really imperative point:

 

it all points to her not wanting to be with you anymore

 

I think sometimes we (I) search for answers in acronyms and to try make ourselves (MYSELF) seem like a victim of a perfect love.

 

We had similar problems with communication and I felt it hard to get her to connect with me on a deeper level while we did the 6 months long distance. She told me that she just found it too hard to express her deep emotions over Skype etc and that by me trying to hard to reach her, that I was pushing her away. In hindsight I think she was doubting if she wanted to be with me and just didn't WANT to make it work like I did. Like Tara said I should be thankful that she ended it before cheating or something.

 

All your comments however harsh are helpful to me. Partly because I can get some answers so that I know where to improve myself for next time and learn to trust again. More importantly though, because I need to take active steps to accept and confirm the breakup because my heart is still trying to trick my mind into distorting the reality of what has happened. Having other people (who aren't just biased friends) spell it out for me makes it really hit home.

 

I hope it helps you to know that there is someone else going through a similar pain with you. In fact many many others. I actually reached out to this forum because I have seen this type of thing happen a lot back home in Australia when students come to study there. I just tricked myself into thinking that it wouldn't happen to us!

 

Thanks!

[aussie sam]

Hello again family! So I've been forcing myself to go out and meet new people (guys and girls) to try and move on from my breakup 2 weeks ago. I am hanging out with a girl tonight who is a friend of a friend. I met her the other night and she seems cool, I asked if she would like to come out to this thing tonight with our other mutual friends as an open invite (hinting that they should come with me together). She told me that the others can't make it and it's just the two of us now and I feel she has turned it into a date. I also don't know if our other mutual friends have told her about my breakup. I'm not ready to start dating yet and don't want to lead this girl on but would still love to hang out with her tonight. Should I tell her about my breakup and that I'm not ready to date yet or do I just say nothing and ignore any advances from her hoping she gets the message. I feel like I'm in high school again by asking this but I don't want to come across as being using on one hand or presumptuous on the other.

 

Thanks again, Love your work!

[BarbecueMan666]

Hey,

 

I'm glad you appreciated my post - It's not going to be easy, I had a little relapse yesterday where I checked her FB, and immediately regretted what I did but hey, you lose you learn right?

 

As for the date scenario. If she has turned into a date, or just wants to hang out with you privately that's cool. I had a similar thing 2 weeks into my breakup also with a very attractive young lady and thought this was a great distraction and such. What I did do however which, was a massive mistake was assume that this will be a nice replacement to the pain I was feeling.

I was wrong. We kissed, it reminded me of my ex, and we had sex, it even more reminded me of my ex. - It didn't feel as good, I know it's because I wasn't emotionally involved at all, but also I felt like "omg my ex was the best thing ever!" - Was really tragic for a few days.

 

What I'd recommend given my past experiences of recent events is, you can tell the girl you've just recently went through a breakup, and so anything that happens from this point on you'd like to take things as they come, and not rush into anything. Sounds Cliche, but honestly I think if you rush into anything you'll just feel worse, not out of lack of respect for this girl, but just literally for yourself.

 

If you were to go out with a girl who said "I just went through a breakup recently, and would like to take things as they come" I'm pretty sure your response wouldn't be to A) Run a mile or B ) Try hook up with her anyway, just treat her like a person, hang out, who knows - she might be really cool .

[aussie sam]

Good advice at a good time. I went out with her and it was totally a date, It was nice to have the interaction and fun though. She started to get a bit cuddly, touchy and suggestive with her body language. I must admit that at the time it felt good to feel wanted by a good looking girl, and a relief not to be thinking of my EX, but I just went out and told her nicely that I wasn't really in the right place to be with a girl at the moment and then apologized if that was presumptuous, she took it well and we ended up on quite a fun adventure that spanned the whole night. The temptation was definitely there to just go with my hormones and feel a bit of pleasure outside of all this pain, but I'm glad I was able to learn from your mistake and keep it PG.

 

It leaves me wondering though, what is the healthiest way to get over this? I've gone No Contact for two weeks now but sometimes I'm concerned that maybe I'm blocking her out of my mind too much by hanging out with new girls (even if under the pretense as friends) and thinking about them in a romantic and sexual ways (especially when the thoughts of my ex arise). My concern is that I may not be going through a proper mourning stage and I would hate to find out further down the track that I never properly dealt with the breakup and end up back at square one. Does anyone have any advice on how to find a good middle ground, or some perspective for me?

 

I had a little relapse yesterday where I checked her FB, and immediately regretted what I did

 

 

I may be stating what a lot of people already know here, but you can go one step further than deleting her as a friend on Facebook by "blocking her". When you do this you won't be able to see that each other even exist on Facebook and you won't be able to find her profile when you search for her. This is helpful in two ways.

 

1) The obvious, that you won't be able to see anything of her or her "Amazing new life" even if you wanted to.

 

2) She won't be able to see anything of you! This actually gives you back a lot of power and security by not feeling like you have anything to prove to her. Facebook becomes YOUR space again where you can truly be yourself which is what you are trying to become again.

I remember one time when I had a crush on a girl that ended up rejecting me. I was so consumed with uploading pictures and statuses that rivaled hers in the hope that she would see how "awesome" I was doing too. It was really draining and childish and I never got the reaction that I wanted and probably just came across as looking as desperate as I was. I probably would have gotten a better reaction if she was kept wondering.

 

 

The only catch with this is that you have the choice to "unblock" this person at any stage which isn't good if your feeling week. The way I got around this is by asking politely for my ex to block ME. She totally understood and was cool with doing it and I now have a little peace knowing that I can't reverse it and she is the only one who has to deal with that temptation should it arise. It has worked so far for me, 2.5 weeks into breakup and 2 weeks into NC.

 

Hope this is helpful to someone.