Girlfriend kissed someone else

[joseph1994]

Ok, this is going to be long. So I am 18 years old and my girlfriend is 17. I know thats young but please don't base your response on just age telling me to move on because there's time to find someone else blah blah blah. She is really special to me. I have never felt anything like how I feel with her. We have been together for 11 months and I love her very much and she says she feels the same and she show's it most of the time. There's something about her that makes me feel so connected and so right with her and it's amazing.

 

But lately, she's been acting different. She's been dealing with some family issues at home as well as at school and it's affecting her a lot. She sometimes lashes out at me and starts fights with me over unrelated things because of it and "breaks up" with me only to later take it back saying she's sorry and just doesn't want to drag me into her problems. This has happened twice and it really hurts me and I've told her that it really hurts me. She's broken a couple promises to me and I've caught her in a couple lies, I was pissed at first but over the course of a few weeks forgave her and got over it. It hurt my trust in her but it was just starting to really build back up until yesterday.

 

Now yesterday, in the morning she did it again for the 3rd time. She said she doesn't want to be with me anymore and she doesn't love me. It really hurt me bad. Really bad... but at this point I never know if it's for real or if it's just one of her breakdowns so I just didn't talk to her for a while. So later on what-do-ya know, she asks me to come over. I reluctantly say ok. I get there, she can't keep her hands off me as usual. She's always holding me, hugging and kissing me and I think it's adorable but I of course was like "what the hell you broke up with me this morning". We talked, she said again that she feels terrible, shes sorry, she's a terrible girlfriend, she really does love me and didn't want to drag me into her problems. We keep talking and eventually I give in.... I know she has a lot going on and a lot of stress and I really live her so I figured I shouldn't give up on her and that I should be there for her. We cuddle, talk, and have make up sex... So that was that.

 

So now finally getting to my main issue, the next morning we're texting each other. She sends me "I kissed someone yesterday." My heart sank... and I felt a huge pain. She was crying, and telling me how much she loves me and cares about me when she had just kissed someone else that afternoon. I just don't understand that. Where did all her love for me go when she made lip contact with this person? I know it's not considered cheating since she had broken up with me for that day but it still really really hurt. I don't understand how she could do this to me. I've never felt worse in my life than I feel right now. I don't know the details of how or why she did it. I don't know if it was some sort of rebound, or she was just trying to see how she would feel kissing someone else, or worst case if she actually feels something for this guy but I am going to see her and try to talk it out with her this afternoon so I will update this after that.

 

 

I know she loves me but this is still a giant blow on my trust for her. It's good that she told me, cause that should mean she feels sorry about it. She seems to be pretty vulnerable and it's difficult for me to deal with that because now I'll be paranoid whenever I'm not with her.

 

I know she didn't cheat on me, but I'm still extremely hurt and this is still a big deal to me and I basically want to know how I should go about it?

[Keenly]

If it happens once, its extremely likely the pattern of behavior will continue in frequency and increase in severity.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, let's just examine the facts, 'ma'am'....

 

She SAYS she loves you, and shows it 'most of the time'.

She lashes out with you and repeatedly breaks up with you, then takes it back later...

She's broken promises, and lied to you too...

Then she breaks up with you yet again, and then calls you, asks you over, yet again, then has make-up sex with you - and then tells you she's kissed someone else.

 

You admit you've been hurt repeatedly by her, had your trust broken, and you still don't know what to do?

 

First of all, please make no mistake.

 

She cheated.

 

Never mind that she did it happened once.

This IS a pattern of behaviour that is extremely likely to repeat itself. Precisely like her pattern of breaking up and making up with you, she WILL do this again, and you know why?

 

Because she's yanking you along on a chain like a trained monkey.

You're a push-over, and frankly, she does this because she knows she can talk you round, crook her little finger, call you to her side and you go running.

 

I'm sorry, but your protestations about your age, and asking us to not base our responses on that, frankly doesn't wash. because she will do this to you no matter what your age.

She's a little minx and she's wound you right round her little finger.

She absolutely doesn't give a damn about hurting your feelings, and coming up with the same old, same-old excuse.

in times of trouble, we look to our other halves for support and shelter.

She shoves you away because she's a spoilt brat, and she thinks she can do what she likes with you..

And it would appear that she's absolutely right.

 

You need to man up, grow a pair and stop letting her get away with it every single time.

She clicks her fingers and you go running (what-do-ya know!).

 

The only person who has the capability to change this, is you.

You need to, as they say, get your power back. And while you're there, grab yourself a fresh portion of spine.

Honestly dude.... you really are a complete push-over.

 

You really need to grab your cojones and be a bit more pro-active. Because you are definitely falling into the 'henpecked doormat' category.

[galv]

She's not in a good place emotionally right now, and you can't be expected to deal with her disrespectful behavior towards you, there may be a reason for it, but that doesn't mean its a valid excuse.

 

Tell her that she obviously is not able to be in a relationship right now, and then go into no contact. She will beg for you back, but keep NC long enough to rationally decide if you actually do want to take her back.

 

Maybe something like this is exactly what she needs to knock some sense into her. Guaranteed if you go back to her she's going to think long and hard before she pulls this **** again.

[fungusamungus]

You may not realize it, and even she may not realize it, but deep down, she has absolutely no respect for you and this has the signs of a very toxic relationship. I know that you think that she is nice, wonderful and sincere, and no doubt she feels bad when she goes off the wagon, but deep down, there just isn't any respect there because you're being a doormat.

 

It's kind of funny that you say to disregard your age... because your age and relative inexperience is likely what has gotten you in this spot in the first place.

 

When you get older and date more women, you'll see this for what it is.

[joseph1994]

Thanks for the responses. I have realized recently that I am in fact being a doormat, pushover, pussy, you name it I can admit that. I basically just really wanted to make her happy and I guess I tried too hard and made myself too available. I realize this relationship may already be done but I just don't want to let her go yet at least not entirely.

 

These issues only came up in the past couple months when the school/family issues came up and as those issues have gotten worse, so has our relationship. I know it's not an excuse for her to disrespect me, but I care about her and I still want to be there for her if she's going through a hard time. It's a tough situation for me.

 

I think I will just take the advice two posts up and tell her she's not able to be in a relationship and then have zero contact for a while and see how that goes. It will just be so difficult to keep her off my mind. Thanks again for the feedback.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for the responses. I have realized recently that I am in fact being a doormat, pushover, pussy, you name it I can admit that. I basically just really wanted to make her happy and I guess I tried too hard and made myself too available. I realize this relationship may already be done but I just don't want to let her go yet at least not entirely.

Why?

What is it doing for you that builds and nourishes, helps and fulfils you, exactly? Apart form great sex, that is?

 

These issues only came up in the past couple months when the school/family issues came up and as those issues have gotten worse, so has our relationship. I know it's not an excuse for her to disrespect me, but I care about her and I still want to be there for her if she's going through a hard time. It's a tough situation for me.

 

No... trust me - you don't.

You cannot, ever, under any circumstances, be a friend to an emotional attachment, in this way.

Read the No Contact Guide in my signature. It's all explained there.... But to entertain friendship, however kind your intentions, is truly, not a good option to go for.....

 

I think I will just take the advice two posts up and tell her she's not able to be in a relationship and then have zero contact for a while and see how that goes. It will just be so difficult to keep her off my mind. Thanks again for the feedback

 

I'm sorry if it seems so cut and dried, but while Love is an emotional process, detachment and healing are pretty much head-governed.

Good luck, hang in there and don't be afraid, ever to come in for encouragement and support.

That's why you're here, isn't it?

[joseph1994]

Well we met up and talked. I was ready to tell her that she shouldn't be in a relationship and start no contact. She says the kiss was completely random and that she doesn't really know why she did it but she feels terrible and is really sorry about it. Even though she couldn't really explain why she did it I think it was some sort of rebound attempt since we were broken up that day. She also said that there is absolutely zero chemistry between her and the dude, the kiss was completely meaningless and she she called him and told him not to get his hopes up because it didn't mean anything and nothing else was ever going to happen between them. This kind of lured me back in which I'm sure you all will say is a mistake... But I have definitely not forgiven her.

 

She admitted that she finds herself physically attracted to other guys and it was worrying her cause she doesn't think she should be if she's in a serious relationship. As far as I know this is normal right? Even married people will check out other men/women from time to time. I know when I'm walking around campus I see good looking women and acknowledge in my head that they are hot but it is nothing more than a physical attraction. I told her this and it seemed to comfort her a bit and said it was indeed just physical attractions. It is normal right?

 

I also talked to her about respect and effort and told her that she has to want this relationship to work. She agreed, and said things would change in that aspect.

 

So to sum it up, she said she wants us to stay together and be happy. It will take some time to completely forgive her but I am giving her one last chance and I really mean that. If she f--ks up again I'm gone from her life for good and eventually she'll realize after dating and getting played by a few d-bags how good of a guy she had.

[fungusamungus]

Well we met up and talked. I was ready to tell her that she shouldn't be in a relationship and start no contact. She says the kiss was completely random and that she doesn't really know why she did it but she feels terrible and is really sorry about it. Even though she couldn't really explain why she did it I think it was some sort of rebound attempt since we were broken up that day. She also said that there is absolutely zero chemistry between her and the dude, the kiss was completely meaningless and she she called him and told him not to get his hopes up because it didn't mean anything and nothing else was ever going to happen between them. This kind of lured me back in which I'm sure you all will say is a mistake... But I have definitely not forgiven her.

Then you shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

 

You need to take a hard look at this. The problem is not with him and her, it is with YOU and her.

She admitted that she finds herself physically attracted to other guys and it was worrying her cause she doesn't think she should be if she's in a serious relationship. As far as I know this is normal right? Even married people will check out other men/women from time to time. I know when I'm walking around campus I see good looking women and acknowledge in my head that they are hot but it is nothing more than a physical attraction. I told her this and it seemed to comfort her a bit and said it was indeed just physical attractions. It is normal right?

There is a difference between finding people attractive and being attracted to other people.

I also talked to her about respect and effort and told her that she has to want this relationship to work. She agreed, and said things would change in that aspect.

 

So to sum it up, she said she wants us to stay together and be happy. It will take some time to completely forgive her but I am giving her one last chance and I really mean that. If she f--ks up again I'm gone from her life for good and eventually she'll realize after dating and getting played by a few d-bags how good of a guy she had.

So... basically you took her back without having forgiven her because she convinced you to with her sincerity?

 

You don't gain respect from someone by "talking about it". Dude, you haven't even forgiven her for what she did, you're still mad and upset about it, and yet, you still took her back anyway when she told you what you wanted to hear. You don't SAY that "things are going to change in that respect", when you can change things in that respect from the get-go by doing. There is too much emphasis on times on getting back together, but not enough on staying together.

Edited February 9, 2013 by fungusamungus

[Simon Phoenix]

joseph1994, she's playing you for a fool. Again. She's saying exactly the same things she keeps saying when she treats you like s--t. And you are falling for it. Again. The problem isn't her. It's you. You are acting like a wuss again. This girl has no respect for you because you have no respect for yourself. Sorry dude, this girl is going to keep f--king with you and you are going to continue to accept it because you have no backbone.