FrannyForty Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 I am new here but I am looking for advice. I have been married for 18 years and we have had the usual ups and downs of marriage. One thing that keeps recurring is his emotional affairs with other women. Currently he is texting a coworker and I know of her. She is married with a child. They both work on a secured site so it is virtually impossible for me to follow him or drop in on him. They text things like come see me and meet me for lunch, but I can't see much more then that through the texts. Today I read the messages from yesterday and they had a lengthy conversation about me and our marriage. He uses a part of a story that is true and then dramatizes it to the level that I am painted as an evil bitch and he is just trying to make things work between us. This is just an out right lie. He has been very distant from the me and the kids for the past year. We started going to counseling, but he just lies to the counselor. Makes it all about me being crazy. He always want to go out with his friends without me, won't answer call only texts me to communicate, comes home from work and "plays"on his phone for the rest of the evening. Even the kids say "dad is hiding again". When we do talk all he tells me is that I am making stuff up and I am the problem. He keeps his phone locked at all times and never lays it down. I can only get my hands on it when he is in the shower so my time is limited. I only got his password by accident because if he thinks I am looking then he will not turn it on until I look away. This is what made me suspicious to begin with. So now that I have read these messages I don't know what to do. Do I wait and keep reading things to find out more or do I confront him with what I know so far?
Mr. Lucky Posted February 8, 2013 Posted February 8, 2013 Do you have access to the cell phone account? Lots of info there. Assuming you can get your hands on his phone, you can also forward the text as email so you can print it out. And yes, armed with this info, I'd confront him in counseling. It's hard for someone to say a relationship is appropriate if there's dozens of texts per day, regardless of content. Have you heard the term "gaslighting"? That's what's being done to you... Mr. Lucky
Mack05 Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 (edited) Franny for me this obvious questions is why do you want to stay in a marriage like this and with a man like this? I know marriages have there ups and downs. I know many couples reach the brink, but surely he has crossed the line for good? Why have you put up with his emotional affairs? His lack of commitment to you and the marriage? His constant lies? Some people stay together 'for the kids'. They shouldn't. Life is too short. Marriages are build on good communication, respect, trust and honesty. Your marriage has none of these attributes. I think (reading between the lines) you are currently lacking two things. Courage and self esteem. Without either life sucks... Confront him? A woman with courage and self esteem would leave him.... Edited February 9, 2013 by Mack05 1
Author FrannyForty Posted February 9, 2013 Author Posted February 9, 2013 Why is it so hard to do what you know you have to do? I know I deserve better than this but giving up the house and disrupting the kids is such a huge hurdle to get over. I really really love my house but there is no way I can afford it even if I could get him to leave. War of the Roses comes to mind. Thanks you for the reaponses. I guess I really know what I have to do. The courage and self esteem are there I just need to stop suppressing them with my excuses.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 9, 2013 Posted February 9, 2013 I know I deserve better than this but giving up the house and disrupting the kids is such a huge hurdle to get over. If that ends up being the consequences then you wouldn't have done either of those two things, they're on him. Sounds like, were it up to you, you'd still be happily married. That you're not - and any resulting fallout and collateral damage - is a result of his actions. Why aren't you angrier at him ??? Were it me, his sh*t would be piled in the driveway... Mr. Lucky
Author FrannyForty Posted February 10, 2013 Author Posted February 10, 2013 You are right it is all on him. I just can't understand how a man can throw away everything over such stupid behavior. I have thought about throwing his sh** out but he has a right under the law to be here. He can just call the cops and get back in. He's not physically abusive so I can't get a retraining order. There are very limited options when it comes to being able to keep my house. As for anger....I am furious but remember I am still trying to firm up the extent of this affair. I made an appointment with our counselor for next week. I am going to go alone and hopefully he can give me the guidance to get me over this hurdle. Thanks Mr Lucky
Survivor12 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 If I were you, I'd cancel that appointment with the counselor and consult an attorney instead. It's important for you to know your rights and have a plan before confronting the issue with him. At the very least, the texts you have seen are proof that his relationship with his co-worker is inappropriate, and it is very likely that you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. Whatsmore, if, as you stated in your first post, he has a history of emotional affairs, you have good reason to believe that he isn't going to change. Another thing I would recommend is to start gathering copies of important documentation (bank & cc statements, bills, insurance policies, etc.) and put them in a safe place outside of your home (a safe deposit box would be best). Good luck. PS Many attorneys offer free consultations. Call around & ask. It's usually only 30 min. So have a list of questions with you. 1
hopesndreams Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 One thing that keeps recurring is his emotional affairs with other women. In the 18 years together, how many emotional affairs has he had? How long do they typically last? What is his childhood background? Were his parents divorced? Currently he is texting a coworker and I know of her. She is married with a child. How many of the emotional affairs were with married women? I am painted as an evil bitch They are bonding and no doubt she has a few paintings of her husband too and in their own ways are justifying how they are treating their spouses. If their spouses weren't so "evil" this wouldn't be happening. Sharing outright lies, half truths, baked up theories are just ways for them to get around the guilt they are experiencing and to draw them closer together. The relationship is built on lies and they are blinded to it, instead focusing on each others needs and wants which builds up their own self-esteems. Cheaters have very little self-esteem. They twist all this into "love" feelings for each other. The thrill of what is being done makes them think they are in love. Two peas in a pod just looking out for each other, being good friends and whatever happens--happens mentality. All this could fizzle out for him just like it has so many times before OR you could be playing right into their hands by giving them the time and space needed to sort out their feelings and plan their escapes from "unhappy" marriages. Do I wait and keep reading things to find out more I am furious but remember I am still trying to firm up the extent of this affair. What more do you need to know that you don't know already? Forget the phone. Look through all his belongings/garage/his car/under the bed...everywhere and anywhere. He will want something of hers to go to when he's lonely and needs an ego boost--handwritten note, intimate apparel, that sort of thing.
butterfly1968 Posted February 10, 2013 Posted February 10, 2013 My ex started an emotional affair with a co-worker. The emotional affair evolved into a fulfledged extramarital romance. I found text messages, cards, and emails. Being afraid to be alone and in denial, I did the waiting game. Not a good thing. In hindsight, I should have gone straight to an attorney. You are setting yourself for more emotional abuse, hurt, and pain. He paints you as being evil to justify his actions.
Recommended Posts