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Mixed signals and a secret, unsure what to think from here


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Posted

I'm looking for points of view on this situation, since I believe I'm too wrapped up in everything to be able to look at it with a calm head anymore. I apologize if it’s long, but it has been going on for a few months and I wanted a decent description of the situation.

 

First I want to say I've never felt like this over a relationship of any kind before. I have been in short and long term relationships, may have been infatuated or crushing, but never to this degree for this long. But to look into his eyes is to melt, to not think about him is almost impossible. I feel like a pre-teen all over again, despite being 26. And I think I've driven most of my friends insane by now.

 

I began a new style of martial arts towards the end of last summer. I've been in martial arts since I was seven years old and an instructor myself, so I really wanted to continue my favorite hobby, albeit from the bottom since a new style meant new ranks. This particular guy is the head instructor under the master of the school, and at first he did little else but infuriate me. A few months went by and the school had a Christmas party, and shortly after an after-party for the adults of the class and the instructors. There was a lot of drinking, of course, and he, another male instructor and I ended up sleeping on couches at another instructor's house after an amazingly fun night. Nothing happened that night, notably, aside from card games and billiards.

 

Since that night in late November, I realized I had a 'thing' for him. I tried to play it off as it'd make classes far more complicated than necessary. The sport was to be my stress relief, and it didn't need complications! But, eventually, it started to eat at me. I enjoy art, and drew him a tattoo design as a Christmas gift that he had described to me at a group dinner after workout one night. In reciprocation, he bought my movie ticket when the martial arts group went out to a movie together. That seemed to open the window for texting communication. When I went home for Christmas break we started texting every couple of days despite not seeing each other the entire month. By the end of break, we were texting every day, with each of us initiating the conversations equally.

 

When I came back from break, it remained as just texting for the past month, but the messages became heavier, more personal, and more frequent. However, he always rain checked on 'hanging out' or going to see a movie. There was a huge, frustrating disconnect between real life and the phone. Then this past Monday, things escalated dramatically when we were alone closing up the school after class. It was the most movie-esque, passionate build-up and first kiss I could have ever imagined. Certainly beyond any fantasy I’d ever had. But he had an odd look in his eyes as we said goodnight. The text he sent me after was "Don't tell any students about what happened tonight." And that he was going to play video games, and sweet dreams to me.

 

That was a fair request. As a head instructor, having people talk about something like that is difficult and could easily bring an uprising of disrespect. However, it really worried me that it was a one-time thing, and that everything would fall apart afterwards.

 

Class the next evening (this past Tuesday) made me feel better. I have to say I got in trouble from the master for not listening multiple times because every time the guy and I exchanged glances, the world stopped (and so did my attention span). That night, we went for another martial arts-group dinner and the looks we exchanged were intense, but secretive. The dark car drive home involved leaning, leg touching and other subtle things so that everyone else in the van wouldn’t see.

 

So, what's the problem?

 

Although the smoldering looks in class continue, the way we were texting and talking has almost ceased. I'm being careful, trying despite myself to not text him much unless replying to him.. which is tremendously rare compared to how it used to be. The only people he hangs out with (and, thus, who 'we' hang out with) are martial arts people from the school, and so I'm unable to get to know him the way I'd like to. He won't ask me out, or go out with me when I directly say I’d like to spend time with him sometime, and I'm worried I'm chasing way too much. It hasn't been quite a week yet since that initiating Monday, so I may also be jumping the gun here.

 

Awhile back I spoke to someone from the school who, I hadn't realized at the time, dated him in the past. She told me that he needs to be chased for awhile, that he can be complicated, et cetera. So I feel the way I approached the situation initially was appropriate, but now I'm stuck.

 

Why doesn't he want to talk to me like he used to? Or, perhaps, is it too soon after the ice was broken face-first to expect him to feel comfortable? Originally I thought maybe he regretted the kiss, but then I feel like Tuesday wouldn’t have happened. Do you think it's a bad sign that he hasn't legitimately asked me out yet? Do you think this secrecy will make it impossible- or perhaps, it just needs to become a longer term concept before he's willing to make it a more public thing so that it doesn't look poorly on his professionalism? Is there another step I need to take, or do I need to just... learn to wait and see?

 

Thanks so much for reading my tale...

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Posted

I'm not sure if I wrote too much, or my problem has a problem with it that nobody knows what to say about it..

 

As an update, he no longer replies to all of my texts. I'll send him one as a response to something he said, and he may or may not get back to me in the next couple of days. I keep the topics light, asking about his games or his day or whatever- nothing emotionally heavy, but he still doesn't have much to say. He still looks at me differently in class, but the lack of communication now makes me feel like he regrets that anything ever happened.

 

Should I ask him directly about it? Should I continue to try to be patient and see what arises?

Posted
Why doesn't he want to talk to me like he used to?

 

It sounds like he's lost interest in you.

 

Or, perhaps, is it too soon after the ice was broken face-first to expect him to feel comfortable?

 

Or perhaps you can think of other excuses for why he hasn't asked you out on a date yet. Men who are interested ask you out on dates. It may be because you are a student, or it may be for other reasons, but at the end of the day, you aren't dating this guy, you don't have a relationship with this guy, and no amount of excuses you make for him is going to change that.

 

Do you think it's a bad sign that he hasn't legitimately asked me out yet?

 

Yes.

 

Do you think this secrecy will make it impossible- or perhaps, it just needs to become a longer term concept before he's willing to make it a more public thing so that it doesn't look poorly on his professionalism?

 

Are there rules against him dating a student?

 

The thing is...you don't have a relationship with him. You (used to) text with him, you kissed him once, and you claim the two of you are exchanging smoldering glances. You've asked him out and he's said no. He hasn't asked you out. To be honest, it sounds like you are having a fantasy relationship in your head and may be building this all up to be way more than it is.

 

Is there another step I need to take, or do I need to just... learn to wait and see?

 

I think you need to move on to a new guy. This one is not giving you signals of interest.

 

As an update, he no longer replies to all of my texts.

 

Yeah, not interested.

 

Should I ask him directly about it?

 

No.

 

Should I continue to try to be patient and see what arises?

 

No. You should move on and find a guy who is interested in you, and who will ask you out on a date.

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